I need to vent
So I had an anxiety attack today. SO much stress has been building and eating me alive. I just lost it.
I guess I'll name the things stressing me out?
-as you saw my old post, dh and I got in to it the other day and well now we are trying to work it out. but i feel as if he is distant and he rarely shows affection (which is normal for him..) but for some reason, (maybe ive been watching too many romantic shows??) It's been getting to me. I told him that I feel like he's being distant and he told me "we just watched a movie together last night..I sat right beside you" lol! I said "no I mean emotionally" and he's like oh...
like, for example, yesterday, he constantly kept playing around, tickling me, poking me, it gets very irritating after a while. (sometimes he does cow-bites, or pops my toes!! so annoying!) i kept telling him he was annoying me.
well last night he tossed a toy at me (again, being too playful) and it hit me in my chest bone and of course like a whimpy pregnant lady i start crying and i launched the toy across the room, and went up stairs by myself to cry myself to sleep. he never apologized, he said i was "over reacting".
I am trying hard to get our old flame back but we are working together now, I work from home..( and him being a bit of a stay at home daddy, if you will) and so we're always around eachother, our job can get very boring so we're both bored and when HE's bored, he gets too playful and annoying.
we also have money issues...as in, he wants to spend spend spend...i want to save save save...he thinks $20 here and there is ok...He doesnt realize that adds up, and if we're going to try to buy a house in the next few months we need to build our savings up. so we're constantly bickering because he wants money all the time...for silly things, like video games...i hardly ever spend money on myself...so i get real resentful when he gets money and i dont even give myself any, because i dont NEED any thing or WANT anything.
-DH keeps saying he'll do something, and then he doesnt..like right now..earlier he said he'd go get dinner and now that its time to go get it, he's saying he doesnt feel like going...ugh...he told me if i bought him a 52inch tv that he'd stop smoking....we have the tv....and he's still smoking........so forth and so on...too many examples to type.
-my dog, a shih-tzu i adopted a couple months ago, never had potty problems. well ever since we re-arranged our living room, the dog has started to pee all over stuff. my gram bought my boys a toy story couch set and the dog peed on it this morning. she spent $100 on this couch set, and they've only had it about a week. and there was pee all over it. so i had to take it all apart which is a PITA and wash it to get the pee out. my house reeks of urine. Its so embaressing. I use like a bottle of fabreeze every other day, and use glade plug ins but i can still smell the urine. i set up an appt for him to be fixed next week and hopefully that will slow him down on peeing on everything.
-i run a daycare for aliving and ive been doing it about 4 years now, and its starting to eat at me. in particular i have this 1 yr old baby that ive had since he was 6 weeks old, and he is SUCH a cranky baby, even his parents say so.
well he fusses SO randomly, it drives me insane. he can fuss for HOURS. for no reason! he will be totally fine, playing, or eating his snack, then out of no where-WAAAA!!!! forever. He started one of his fits earlier and it threw me into an anxiety attack, It's one thing if its your OWN kids crying, but honestly its a totally other thing if its someone else's kid. it just eats at your nerves to listen to this baby cry forever.
I also recently started watching a little girl who is 3, that speaks only spanish. she's never been in daycare before, she's always been at home with her mom, so every morning she gets dropped off (shes the 1st to arrive, at 7am, when my boys, my gram, who lives with us, and dh are all still sleeping) and she screams, and fusses, and constantly rambles in spanish.
I use the google translator to translate to her that she needs to be quiet because its early and people are sleeping upstairs, but she always fusses still. after about 15min she will calm down and be fine, and love it here, sometimes she doesnt want to even go. but its always that 7am-crack-of-dawn-too-early-to-listen-to screaming- that drives me crazy.
especially because she doesnt speak english so she has a hard time following my rules and directions. babysitting can get so boring, just watching kids play all day, and even though it does have it's busy times (example, meal times, pick up/drop off times, planned activity time, etc) theres still a lot of down time. it gets very boring.
I can't wait for Septmeber, so many things are to possibly happen in september...I also run a dog grooming business and I like it because it keeps me busy and my mind occupied. only problem is, since i only do it occasionally, since my daycare bizz is #1, I don't do it often, and I am a big fat pregnant lady so i cant lift any big dogs and I get winded very quickly.
In september the baby will be born, i can have my strength and energy back, september is our goal for getting pre-approved to buy a house, and I hope to god I get it, because ive been trying for 8 yrs to buy a house and theres always some sort of issue that arises and prevents us from buying a house. also our area that we live in is a bit ghetto...i dont want my boys to grow up in this area, if we get a house, we are buying a house in a city about 20min away, that is in a WAY better area, and has great schools.
So many things to think about, and so many stresses, my body gave out and threw me into an anxiety attack, ive had these before, normally i have to put my head between my knees but i couldnt do it this time because of my big belly so it took a long time to catch my breath.
i feel so bad for logan being in my belly, i told DH he's going to come out looking like a nervous little rat. i told DH he needs to stop stressing me out, I need to stop babysitting, (at least infants...I enjoy watching 2+ yr olds, they are old enough to play and express themselves, and interact..infants always want to scream forever it seems), once we get a house i would love to do dog grooming full time, and maybe babysit older children just in the evenings, like after school care...i need to train my dog to stop peeing all over the house...so many things to think about...my baby shower is in 3 weeks and it reeks of urine in here, i am going to have to hire a carpet cleaning place to come in and take that smell away. (again, if i had a house, i would have all hardwood floors, i hate carpets...they are just sponges)
anyways i know i am rambling....i can hardly think straight...it takes a few hrs to recover from an anxiety attack when i have them.
anyways sorry for this being so long, thank you if you did take the time to read it.