need to discuss this with ppl who arent in the family!
I married DH almost 10 years ago. He came with 2 beautiful children, from 2 different moms. No he isnt "that" guy. lol DH is amazing, kind, hard working etc etc. his sons mom is wonderful, no complaints. she takes care of him, we all work together to parent the child and we all know our rolls. always did. He is 15 now.
As i think you all know, i adopted DD almost 4 years ago. My DD mom is a scum bag! her priorities was always drinking, drugs, men and partying. NEVER her children. she has 2 boys that are now 17 and 18. Right before we got married, we starting suspecting that something inappropriate was going on with DD, . she knew terms that you would be floored to know she knew! and she definately didnt learn them from us! one nite we received acall from a family member, apparently DHs cousin was dating DD mothers family member (who also babysat the kids) and we were informed that the older boys were being um, inappropriate, to put it mildly. thefamily had reported it to domestics and they would do nothing with the childs confession to a counselor who is a stranger. of course, DD wanted no parts of it, but did tell us everything which killed us cause there was NOHTING we could do about it. in the end, we talked her mom into giving us custody and in the end, that is all we wanted. so right after we married, she came to live with us. i was step mom, she was mom, but DD always knew where she had it good. here i was newly married, 22 years old and MOM to a 5 old little girl who's mom could care less. it took her mom 2 months to call after she came to live with us, and after that she was never a big part of her life. for the next 6 years, all she did was hurt my DD, make promises she didnt keep, never showed up , or showed up 4 hours late on xmas morning. Again, men and drinking were her priority. when DD started to refuse to go see her, i tried to explain to the mom WHY she felt that way! i did everything i could to make her see the light. we couldnt even get her to keep DD for a full weekend as it cut into her drinking time. after 3 years of this, DH went to court and files for child support, with the thought that if you wont be a mom to the child, atleast you can contribute SOMETHING to her financially. She skipped the hearing and got $42 a week. 3 years later, after refusing to pay it, the courts put a warrant out for her arrest for contempt of court. She payed to get out of it the first time, the second time, she coudlnt come up with the money. She called me and asked if i would adopt her. Now, by this point in time, i was DD's mom! She had refused to spend her week with her mother cause her mother disrespected me to her on the phone. So when i was aksed if i would adopt her, of course i answered YES, without a doubt. I was then told to draw up the papers. she was signing over her rights to DD, no questions. SHe agreed to let me adopt her, all we had to do was get her out of jail (she got 90 days). Now our prisons our packed, so i doubt she would have spent a week in there, just sayin. she begged, we asked DD if that is what she wanted, and she immediately agreed with the decision! DDwas my child in heart after all. May 10th 4 years ago the judge agreed and she became mine! One of the best days of my life.
Everything was great until that following January when i went back to work. DD started to steal out of my room, jewelry that DH bought me anniversary were found in the dryer vents, in her carpets etc. i have very little left. This kid did everything she could to disrespect me. at first i thought she was angry that i went back to work. we did everything we could to be patient and understand, but 3 years later, you run out of ways to discipline for the same thing. DD is a good kid i just didnt understand what was going on. UNTIL, last summer she tells me, after a massive blowup, that she is angry with her mother and is taking it out of me. i asked her how i could help and she wanted a face to face to vent her feeling to her biological mother. we discussed it and at that point were willing do whatever it took to get this situation settled down. my house was a war zone! At the same time, i was going through my own issues with not being able to conceive for years, DH's brother passed away and we tried taking in our nephew (that didnt end well)... DH and i almost fell apart due to the stress so we were willing to do whatever to try to find peace in our home. so we arranged the meeting and it wast the worst decision we ever made! in the end, all her mother did was lie to her some more, which made her think we have been lying to her for years so she got angry at us. after many discussions, we made her understand and all went back to normal. Things got better after that. DH and i spent alot of time on our relationship, we spent alot of time with Brianna and our home turned into a loving home for the first time in 3 years. we gave up on conventional ways to conceive, found a specialist, got tested for everything and in the end had no idea why after 6 years we werent pregnant. so we had our first IUI done, and it worked and here we are. i made it a point to make sure DD understood that this baby is NOT replacing her and that she is and always will be my daughter, and this changes NOTHING. In February i started suspecting something was wrong, he behavior changed again, and i had reasons to believe that she was sneaking behind our back to talk to one of her brothers. no biggie, except that all contact with them had to go through us on our terms, and for good reason. we never forbid her from talking to any of them. SHe got in alot of trouble for stuff she did on the home front (lying etc) and therefor was grounded and the war zone appeared again. DH and i battled alot over DD too. so 2 weeks ago, i discovered (i am cutting out alot of the details) that she was infact sneaking behind our back, figured out the password to our computer and logged onto a FB account that was under a name that we wouldnt find, blocked us and made sure she didnt add friends that we were friends with. Computers are closely monitored in our home and under NO circumstances is she allowed unless we are home. for 2 months, while i was trying to figure out what was going on, she was sneaking around on FB, talking to her BIO mother and her family. her mom even came out to see her (which she is legally not allowed to do) and encourage DD to sneak and lie to us. She told DD that i was useless, i was nothing, not important. im just a step mom and i mean nothing in the circle of life. only her REAL parents are important ETC ETC. i found her email and password and spent hours reading the message that were sent to her FB account and printing the messages. DH called her and threatened legal action if she ever contacted the minor child again. we understand that the mother messed up, big time, but so did DD. But at 14, one is very impressionable, especiall with a woman who is a pro at lying and manipulation. does this woman really believe she could be a MOTHER by talking to her for 10 minutes on FB CHAT??? SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?! being a mom and being someone to vent to are two completely different thing!! we sat her down and talked to her about everything, again. My BP skyrocketed to the pointed that my nose bled (i know, dangerous). I am at my witts end with all this. DD since then has lied about some seriously stupid stuff! I am not a monster, like most parents, i have my moments when pushed, but i have never hit my child. we are strict, but not overly strict. i am pregnant yet i have a responsibility to my 14 yr old child too. i feel like a failure of a mother and trying to convince myself that i am gonna be good for this baby is quite the task. i mean, if i cant straighten out the kid i have....how am i gonna be a good mom to this baby? i mean, i know im a good mom. however, i cant help but question what i did wrong. DH reminds me everyday that DD #1 is different, she has a history that our DD wont have. DD had a meltdown too and we talked and she doesnt want to contact her mother, but i also know she is confused and i dont know how to help her. Therapy would probably help, but our area isnt known for any beneficial medical professionals. at this point, i am SO stressed out! DH is worried because i get myself so upset that it could cause problems. i dont want to negativeley effect the baby! however, even the small stuff stress me out since i got pregnant! work has become my safe haven lately, here there is little to wrry about. i dread going home, i never know what to expect. everything APPEARS to be civil, but she is good at making everything appear the way she want.
see, now that i am pregnant with a daughter of my own, i just cant understand how her mother could give her up. i would sell my body if it meant i had the money to take care of my kids! She gave her up to save $42 a week!! i am so angry FOR my DD. i can only imagine what she is feeling right now. my heart aches for her andwould do anything to take away her hurt! however, i feel as if there is nothing i can do other than sit back and allow the situation to destroy our family, which i will not allow to happen. i dont want to forbid her from contacting her biological mother, even after all these years. i am aware it could push her farther away in the long run. however, as a parent, we make decisions everyday that is in the best interest of our kids. i do not believe for a second that her mother is good for her at all. and i also believe the DD runs to her when she is angry with me. well she gets angry with me for disciplining her, and i discipline her for LYING!! its like a vicious cycle!! :banghead:
So after all this, i guess im looking for ideas and advice from other mommies. does anybody else have a situation anywhere close to this? AM i doing the right thing? do you have any good discipline techniques that are effective? lol i cant seem to find anything other than grounding from friends, tv, etc etc! BEEN THERE
Sorry this is so long. i wanted to make sure the most relevant stuff was mentioned so that no one got the impression that we were jerks trying to keep a child from her mother.
Thanks for listening!