How do you know...(xp)

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Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253
How do you know...(xp)

when you are done having children?

After the horrible pregnancy and birthing process I was saying that I'm done and I'll never go through it again. But, now that the memory of the pain has faded a bit I get the feeling that I'm not done. I love my kids and I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful, healthy happy and amazing babies but I can't help feeling I want one more. I always wanted a big family atleast 3 hopefully 4. I know I may be singing a different tune when these babies are 2, but right now, I would be happy to have one more.

Do you ever feel done or am I just enjoying the baby stage and thats why I want one more?

BloomingRose's picture
Joined: 12/03/08
Posts: 992

I can't speak on the whole 'do you ever feel done' part because I would think that those who have had something permanent done would be best to answer that, however, from MY experience, and even though I already have 5, it's a tough battle. ONe day I'm done, the next I see them all growing up and the pics on the wall and it's like, wow I'm gonna miss that, then baby fever hits. When I'm pregnant, I tend to be a total (w)itch especially towards the end, hormones are terrible, and I say things like, why the hell am I having another one, or I shoulda never got pregnant, etc. Mean yucky things, kwim? After the experience I had with Alyssa, the whole baby thing is still there, more so because I feel robbed of numerous things, and after how things were with Hailey after she was born "lots of stress and problems", I vowed that IF there was another one after her, that things would be different. THat we wouldn't go through hell and back, that I wanted things the way they should be, and then, I got pregnant with Alyssa and from beginning to end, it was NOTHING like I wanted, or deserved.

So in the end, I think for alot of people even though you're done, whether it be by something permanent or not, you never truely feel 'done'.

Not sure if my post helps, just me rambling lol. Smile

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

My husband has had a vasectomy and I still don't feel done. Honestly I *did* feel done until Isaiah was born and now I just don't. I do wish he'd go and get checked so I can just know that we're not having another and deal with that, right now I just keep thinking that maybe it didn't even work (his cousin just had that happen in 2009, he had to get a second vasectomy done). I am not the biggest fan of being pregnant but to me the end result is so worth it. I just love all my kids and wonder who we're missing by not having more. We didn't plan Isaiah and he's just such a blessing you know? Plus everything went so great this time around that I can't help but wish I could do it again. I don't know, maybe someday I'll feel 'done' again but for right now I don't, even though we are.

skylersmomma's picture
Joined: 04/10/11
Posts: 927

I had my tubes tied. when i was pregnant with kesler i decided i was done, actually i decided i was done after skyler and kesler was a blessed opps Wink
i knew i was done because i felt blessed with my family 2 boys (who should never be here according to drs) but then again i have complicated pregnancies and have one special needs child so i am not typical.
but to tell you the truth sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice..
(given how my body handles babies i would say i made the right choice just sad to know this in my last. )

zoe08's picture
Joined: 09/09/08
Posts: 665

I don't think I could ever do anything permanent while pregnant. While I was pregnant I wondered if I would be able to do it again because this time was really difficult, but the second I held her in my arms, I knew I would do it again. I am hoping that after the next one I feel done, but we won't do anything permanent until a few years after we have our "last" baby so that I can feel really sure about it.

This is the only thing that bothers me about having the c/s though is that now I really have someone else telling me that I can only have 3-4. And while I don't see myself having more than that or us ever being able to afford more than that, I don't like being limited by something else.

jonibug's picture
Joined: 11/27/06
Posts: 781

I have the same issue. Dh has said after dd2 was born he would have liked to have a boy. But if we try again and get another girl, he still will want to try again b/c he would have to give up his car if we have three kids. And I don't know if I want more than three. Plus, the memory of labor is fading but I still remember the way I felt emotionally through it, and I would have a hard time choosing to go through that again. Plus, I ingrained into my memory the misery I felt in the third trimester.

Unless we have an accident (very possible since I refuse to go on birth control), dd2 would have to be 3 before I consider doing this again.

Roobear's picture
Joined: 03/26/08
Posts: 343

I know we are done because I feel content, and when I look around the dining room table I don't feel like anyone is missing, which I did before Audrey was born. I haven't felt sad packing away her newborn clothes that she has outgrown.

That being said, from a practical point of view, we can't afford more kids. Or at least, to have the lifestyle we want (travel, have the kids in sports etc), we can't have anymore. And with my hyperemesis, I just can't do another pregnancy.

bamsmom's picture
Joined: 05/05/07
Posts: 1635

I knew I wasnt done after I had Izzy, but I can tell you that I am done now. Of course I had my tubes tied, so I really am done. However, for me I wanted 4 and now have 5 and that is a plenty!!!!!! Yes I am content and loving life.

Joined: 12/21/09
Posts: 344

We aren't deciding it. We're anti-birth control, so there won't be any temporary or permanent decisions towards not having more kids.

However, I really need more space between my kids than these two. It is just awful having two so close together.
I used to want like 8 or so.... we're down to liking the idea of about 6... but whatever happens happens. Smile

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

We are supposed to be done, but DH still hasn't scheduled hits bigV and I have an appointment on Monday to find out for sure.

bamsmom's picture
Joined: 05/05/07
Posts: 1635

"Nell4Him" wrote:

We are supposed to be done, but DH still hasn't scheduled hits bigV and I have an appointment on Monday to find out for sure.

HUH?????

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

Yup. Got off schedule with my mini pill about 3 weeks ago. Been having symptoms for about 2 weeks but been ignoring them cause I thought I was pregnant when both my boys were 4 months and I wasn't, but I'm finding it really hard to ignore Evie's dislike of my milk for the last week and the twingy pain and other things that didn't happen when the boys were 4 months old. 2 days ago I had blood tinged mucous that only has ever happened when I was pregnant. My cycle didn't show after the boys until 8 months. Evie isn't even 3 months. I'm hoping and crossing my fingers and praying that I'm not pregnant again. I've got too much other sh*t in my life right now.

If I'm not, then I'm changing to something more permanent. I'm thinking implanon but I haven't done the research. I don't trust the mini pill anymore.

jonibug's picture
Joined: 11/27/06
Posts: 781

:bigarmhug:

I know I would be bawling my eyes out if I thought I might be pregnant right now. I hope that isn't it and you are just "off"..

Roobear's picture
Joined: 03/26/08
Posts: 343

Keeping my fingers crossed for you Janelle! We're here for you no matter what happens!

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

"Nell4Him" wrote:

If I'm not, then I'm changing to something more permanent. I'm thinking implanon but I haven't done the research. I don't trust the mini pill anymore.

I don`t trust the mini pill either, my cousin got pregnant on it ( not to scare the crap out of you) hopefully everything is good. I think I would go insane if I was pregnant right now. Hence why I just dont have sex!! Smile

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

Janelle, keeping my fingers crossed for you, girl!

As for me, I think we're done. I've been very adamant about stopping after two for several reasons, the first and foremost being how difficult pregnancy is for me. I don't have hyperemesis, but I'm not far off from it. I was so sick that I wasn't able to care for DD for a portion of the pregnancy. Thankfully I have an amazing friend who helped me tremendously, but with no family close by I just don't know how I'd survive another pregnancy, especially with two kids to take care of. I know that other women do it, but I just don't feel comfortable putting myself in that position. I also feel like two is about all I can handle! I feel like I can manage things with two, and do a decent job of giving them my attention and what they need, but I don't know if I'd be good with any more than that!

I also think it would be too much for us financially, although I would never base the decision solely on that. I firmly believe that God would provide for us as he as always done. But I would like to be able to offer our children learning opportunities in areas they're interested in (music/dance/sports/whatever) and it's going to be a stretch with two, probably not possible at all if we had three. Being able to take piano/horseback riding/ballet/etc. when I was a kid was a big part of my childhood that I really enjoyed, and has hugely affected my adult life, so it's important to me to provide opportunities for the kids if possible.

There are more reasons than that going toward the decision of being "done," but you get the idea. That being said, I definitely still have moments of wanting another baby. Especially because Ronan has been such a happy, easy baby. I did not feel this way when Catie was this age! Lol! But I really feel like this is a good decision for us. I think the bottom line is, either way would be good. I love our family the way it is, and I know that any other child added to it would also be a blessing. So it's choosing between two good options. That's hard!

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

Thanks ladies..I dunno if its just because they are such good babies that I want another but I think once I get back to work I will know better if I can handle one more. There is also the scary thought that I could potentially have twins again which I know I definitely could not handle. I think I'll just make DH hold off on the big V and wait see how I feel.

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

Sorry, Krista.. totally didn't mean to high jack your thread.

I hope you can figure it out soon. Once you go back to work you might find an increase in your desire for another. I did after my 1st. I decided I missed him too much. I wanted to be taking care of babies instead of working.

But everyone is different. Smile

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

I'd be pretty sad if we are done. I had my own mini pill issues last month and although I was happy to get a BFN there was part of me that was sad we weren't having a 3rd for sure. If its planned then there will be at least a 3 year gap so we might change our minds by then.

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

"Nell4Him" wrote:

Sorry, Krista.. totally didn't mean to high jack your thread.

I hope you can figure it out soon. Once you go back to work you might find an increase in your desire for another. I did after my 1st. I decided I missed him too much. I wanted to be taking care of babies instead of working.

But everyone is different. Smile

LOL you didn't high jack anything!!! I love getting conversations going. Sad as is it, this board is one of my high lights in my day. I get so excited when I get time to check! I hope everything works out for you. KUP Smile

indianajones's picture
Joined: 01/21/07
Posts: 1486

Janelle, my fingers are crossed for you! Please please please KUP! (You *know* I will be stalking this board for an update!)

As for the original question.. I'm not sure.

I didn't get baby fever after my first until she was about 1. And when she was about 1.5, I got pg (unplanned), and for those few weeks before I m/c, it just felt right- the thought of having two kids.

Will we try for more? Not sure. We'll wait until we have a better feel for what it is like having two active kids (i.e. once DD2 is walking/talking/climbing) and then discuss it. I imagine we will, but no final decisions at this moment. I don't really have a strong feeling one way or the other right now.

Starflyr's picture
Joined: 10/20/07
Posts: 428

DH is done. There are 18 years between his daughters and he wants (at some point!) to have kid-free time.

as for me...well... I dont REALLY Want another one, but I wouldnt mind. The pregnancy was pretty bad and my pelvis is STILL out of whack from it (SPD) to the point where sometimes I cant walk right (and yes, I see a chiro).

Plus, it would be c-section #3 for me, and Im not exactly excited about that idea.

so...the only way it will happen is if we have an oopsie.

I

Star

PeppermintPatty's picture
Joined: 08/21/07
Posts: 426

I am having such a hard time with this lately. I have my Essure procedure scheduled for Thursday. I know I will be very emotional before and after .

I know deep down inside I am done with having children. Dh is is DEFINITELY done!!! I too can't help but think about the child that we will never meet because we decided we are done. I have always wanted a little girl name Johannah. Wink

But, right now we are maxed out in terms of space in our townhome. We want to afford to send all the kids to private school eventually as well as have some sort of college fund for all of them. I also cannot go through another false positive on a Newborn screening. That was a complete nightmare. We have three healthy children and I am definitely not getting any younger. But......... part of me wants to NOT get this procedure done..... it is just too permanent...

Such decisions!

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Have you thought of maybe getting an IUD?
DH was positive he'd never want another baby no matter the circumstance, so it was up to him to get it done. At least if you got the IUD and later decided you were definitely done you could still do something permanent. Whereas if you do something permanent and later you decide you weren't done afterall...reversals, IVF, ect would be expensive and nothing is guarenteed

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

"zoe08" wrote:

This is the only thing that bothers me about having the c/s though is that now I really have someone else telling me that I can only have 3-4. And while I don't see myself having more than that or us ever being able to afford more than that, I don't like being limited by something else.

:lurk: I know someone online that has had 11 c-sections. I think it's a case-by-case basis, how many one woman can have, nothing set in stone.

To the original OP -- I think some people feel done, and some never do. (I think the ones that feel done are lucky!) I thought #2 was my last, then #3. Now I'm thinking of #4 and I HATE to be pregnant. I love having a big family. I love my kids. It's fun, but exhausting.

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

"mandi04" wrote:

Have you thought of maybe getting an IUD?
DH was positive he'd never want another baby no matter the circumstance, so it was up to him to get it done. At least if you got the IUD and later decided you were definitely done you could still do something permanent. Whereas if you do something permanent and later you decide you weren't done afterall...reversals, IVF, ect would be expensive and nothing is guarenteed

My cousin got pregnant with am IUD inserted...it seems the women on my fathers side have no problems getting pregnant..myself being proof of that!

LauraMae78's picture
Joined: 01/10/11
Posts: 969

I definately do not feel done! DH, he is done. i would like to have another one, however i understand where DH is. a 16 year old son, 15 year old daughter, a 3 month old daughter, he is 43. im 33. i look at how fast Kendra is growing and i tear up at the thought that her baby phase will soon be over. i am extremely sad when i pull out yet another outfit that she will never wear again. Sad but then, i work full time, i have too. there is no way i would be able to work and afford to have 2 kids in some sort of day care. i am also having a difficult time coping with the fact that i am not there for Kendra the way i want to be. i dont think i would be able to do that twice. double the heart ache, kwim? im done, but im so NOT done. i would really like a son i think, i keep hinting to DH, but ofcourse we all know his response to that LOL

Janelle, i cant wait to hear an update!

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

"LauraMae78" wrote:

Janelle, i cant wait to hear an update!

Dr's in office pee test was negative so I got the depo shot before I left. Smile

PeppermintPatty's picture
Joined: 08/21/07
Posts: 426

What is the mirena and IUD? Do those both have hormones? I am having second thoughts about the Essure tomorrow. I am so nervous.:puke2:

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

"PeppermintPatty" wrote:

What is the mirena and IUD? Do those both have hormones? I am having second thoughts about the Essure tomorrow. I am so nervous.:puke2:

IUD is an insert and I believe the Mirena is a brand of IUD. Dont quote me.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

Yep, mirena is a brand of IUD. It's the hormonal one, it's a low-dose hormone...but me and hormones just don't mix at all no matter how low the dose. I had the paraguard IUD between DD2 and DS1, otherwise called the copper IUD. It does not have any hormones. It makes the uterus a 'hostile' environment to sperm. There's some controversy over it also making the uterus a hostile environment to an embryo in case a sperm gets past, but there is a failure rate so who knows? DH and I decided not to use again due to that (and dh says he's positive he's done, done, done) but as a method of birth control I had absolutely no issues with it. Heavy bleeding but my periods were shorter and I actually had less cramping with it in! My first ppaf was at 16 months pp so it didn't bring af back sooner than it otherwise would have. Insertion was fairly easy, removal was super easy. I loved not having to worry about birth control or an unintended pregnancy and 2.5 years later we decided to go for #3 so I had it taken out (a few months before we started trying just due to the timing of when my annual appointment was) and got pregnant very quickly after we started trying.

nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069

We always knew we wanted at least two kids. Chris has always been adamant that we only have 2, but I have always wanted 3. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like I could be happy with just my two boys but there's a small part of me that wants another down the line. Chris will ultimately decide whether our family is complete or not as I would never push the issue unless he was fully on board. I think we will reevaluate in about two years and make our decision then. We definitely aren't do anything permanent though as far as birth control.

MandyMommyto1's picture
Joined: 06/27/09
Posts: 534

We are definitely done. DH would've been happy with one, but I convinced him to go again because I really wanted 2. Now we are both happy with our two girls. I hate being pregnant, and since I am the only wage-earner in the family, we can't afford for me to be out of commission for any amount of time again. We've got two healthy, beautiful girls, and I had two relatively easy pregnancies and natural deliveries. I'd like to leave it at that Smile