After everything that has gone on with this pregnancy, the difficulties DH and I were having, and all the uncertanties, the last few weeks we've seemed to settle into some sort of normalcy. We're still no where near ready for this baby, but I think that has more to do with us being disorganized and busy than anything else.
Things with DH and I have been better, we're talking more, he's talking about the baby, he's getting involved with getting Hailey ready, we're even having some sex! But I spent so long trying to be upbeat and strong about the situation with the baby's arm that I think its hitting me now what's coming.
I'm getting scared. Scared that despite all the testing we've missed something, something big. That the baby won't just be missing half an arm. I had similar fears before H was born, that something was missed and she wouldn't be healthy. I'm trying to chalk it up to "I know too much about all the bad things that can happen". We're finally going to meet with the prosthetic department to talk about our options after baby is here, so I think that will help. I'm a planner, I like to have an idea of whats going to happen.
I've been having some fairly irrational fears lately too. The big one is that Hailey is going to drown at the cottage. I can see her in my mind floating in the lake and it scares the hell out of me. So much so that we got her a new life jacket this past weekend, and I've told DH we're only going up 2 more times before baby. She's never alone at the water, but for some reason its all I can think of. My other fear for her is that she's going to get run over in our driveway. We have a long one, and last summer and this one something like 5 kids in Toronto were killed in their own driveways by relatives backing in/out and not seeing them. Again, she's never out there by herself, and she knows the rules about staying off the driveway, but it still worries me.
I am also scared something is going to happen to DH, unrelated to his liver disease (he's actually doing really well and feels great). He went to help my girlfriend who got a flat on the highway, and I was terrified he was going to get hit by a car while changing it.
I'm going to chalk it all up to lack of sleep and nervousness about actually facing the reality of having this baby soon. I think my fears about the baby are manifesting themselves into other things. I hate it when things are out of my control!!!