Just Venting

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eliann's picture
Last seen: 1 year 5 days ago
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2441
Just Venting

So if you've read the chat threads, you know that DH and I had an argument about having children the other day. I've been hesitant to post this, because I feel like I sound like a broken record. And I've felt like maybe this forum isn't the place to vent about it since most of you have kiddos. Thanks in advance for letting me vent. Here's the story:

DH was getting all excited about buying a place and we've been looking. We found a lot places that we like, within our price range and also between our work places. However, DH went researching public schools in that area and read about how awful they all were. I know its important to research this stuff, but he was getting a little crazy about it. He then started to research private schools (because he went to private school) and they are SO expensive and NOT an option with our salaries (or future salaries). So he flat out said, "I'm sorry we just will never be able to afford children." Can I also reiterate that we are not broke...he's got a sizeable savings from inheritance, but he always says things like "We are so poor." We do live like we are poor, due to his frugalness. I've never understood that about him.

Right now we rent in a really good neighborhood, its a bit far from where we work, but we love our neighborhood. It's unfortunately really pricey to buy over here, but I think we could swing it in another 5 years. I mentioned that we should keep renting until we can afford to buy something in our area. He said that he refuses to raise a child in a rental unit. WTH? We live in a small, but cute duplex in a safe and somewhat swanky neighborhood, I don't see what's wrong with raising a kid in a rental unit as long as it had 2 bedrooms and it was safe. I also mentioned moving to the suburbs (not an idea that either of us like because we would have to drive an hour or longer to work and daycare would become an issue), but he said "completely out of the question."

Anyway, as I mentioned before he was in a bad mood that night so maybe things got a bit exaggerated. But I feel like if he is voicing all of this, then he must serious concerns about having kids. I don't want to pressure him into having a baby and then him resenting me and the baby for it. I don't know what to do ladies. I'm just going to try and put babies out of my mind for awhile and see if he changes his mind I guess. I just wish he would be as excited to start a family as I am. My feelings are just hurt. When we started dating 5 years ago, he was on board with babies and we talked a lot about having children. And he always says that he can't imagine his life without children. But on occasion he ends that sentence with "I just wish we could wait another 10 or 15 years." He just turned 30, so maybe he is going through some kind of 1/3 life crisis or something.

ange84's picture
Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 12/28/09
Posts: 6564

Aww sorry Elizabeth. I hope you hubby gets on board with kids soon. Are there other decent areas you could look at buying in, or are better schools available even though you don't live in the area. Our local school we never hear much about and there is one public schoolw hich is hailed as tthe best in town and I am torn on what to do, but DS will likely just go to the nearest one.

tink9702's picture
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 09/28/08
Posts: 2977

I'm sorry DH is flipflopping! Don't know if you want them, but here are arguments to counter his reasons:

1. Your child won't go to school until they are 5 years old. That is plenty of time to figure out where you want to live, which school district etc.

2. You could homeschool, or at least supplement the public school education with work at home so your child gets a better education

3. Renting is a totally viable option, espcially if you rent until child is 4 years old then more to the area you really want to live in with the right schools. Or what about buying a fixer upper loft type place, and turning around and selling it in 2-3 years, maybe even a place without the two bedrooms? My DD just moved out of our room at 11 months, and many people share rooms with their children until 2-3 years old.

3. if he waits another 10-15 years he'll be possibly too old to father a child at 40-45 the risk increases from even the father's side of things according to new research I've read. Plus being an older father means he will have a harder time keeping up with his child possibly.

4. You do not need a lot of money to raise a child if you are already frugal like he seems to be. Consider grocery shopping at discount type stores, coupons etc. Also consider cloth diapering and the fact that you don't need every gadget on the market and you can save a lot of money to be able to afford a child. The biggest cost is daycare honestly - a homebased daycare is cheaper typically than a center. Do you know anyone who's using someone you would be comfortable with? Or can you and DH rearrange schedules or get family members involved to only need daycare 3 days a week? That is what we do so that we can save money on daycare.

I hope DH was just having a bad day and he changes his mind!!! Hang in there, sounds like he wants children, he's just depressed about the costs.

kitkata's picture
Last seen: 4 years 11 months ago
Joined: 12/17/10
Posts: 103


I'm sorry you're going through this, Elizabeth. I understand a bit. Since day 1, SO has been a 'no marriage, no kids' man but that didn't seem to matter to me...until recent years. SO has come around to at least discussing it and he has voiced some of the same concerns as your DH.

I really like Mel's suggestions and I truly believe that children are affordable.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to add but I did want to say that you're not alone.

Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 04/27/09
Posts: 251


Hey there! I am totally lurking here, so I hope you don't mind my chiming in. Your situation reminded me of my best friend's situation a few years ago. She was BEYOND ready for kids, but hubby not so much. They had always agreed that kids were going to happen at some point, but when the time came to get down to business, he started dragging his heels. This husband shares and important personality trait with yours in that he's very...*ahem*...frugal. (In other words, he's cheap! LOL!!!! It's a trait that he's received plenty of ribbing for over the years.)

Anyway, the reason why he was dragging so much was that he was really worried about finances....a lot of men get freaked out by the pressure of having to financially support another person, and also becoming the sole breadwinner of the household while Mamma is on maternity leave. The role of Provider is SO ingrained in who they are, they really do get scared that they might not be able to provide for their family.

If you want my opinion, I think it might help if you and your hubby sat down and worked out a family budget that you guys could operate on after the baby is born. Maybe once he sees the numbers in black and white, he will realize that it is totally manageable. You could even make a plan to start a savings account for baby expenses now, so that you'll have a financial cushion to draw from once Junior arrives.

You and your hubby are a team, which means that neither one of you can make unilateral decisions that affect the other. Marriage is about working with each other to figure out a solution.

Good luck!!! :bigarmhug:

kat83's picture
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 04/27/07
Posts: 631

Men are jerks sometimes. It does not matter where you raise a child as long as there is love in the household. You will get by, and you will make it work. Yes when you look at it it seems like it cant happen, but you make it. Somehow it works when you need it to. Some months are harder than others yes. But you do what you gotta do, do OT when you can get it at work, Cut back on luxeries-cable channels, iphones what have you, eat name brand food or shop at a lower cost store, use your tax refund etc. I hate that excuse to put off children for money. We had to put off TTC our second due to that and we still arent in the position to be able to afford everything, but we arent putting it off anymore, we'll manage as we always have. We aren getting younger and our first is getting older so ya know...

I hope you can make it work and he was just frustrated....

Last seen: 3 years 2 months ago
Joined: 03/01/09
Posts: 655

It sounds to me like he's scared. And that he's waiting for the "perfect scenario" to have a child. Which we all know does not exist.

I think Nicole had a lot of good advice. And even though DH is in his 30's now, AND you've been together for 5 years, is there an immediate rush? The whole "marriage" thing might need a little time to settle in for him.
DH and I were both over 30 when we got married but I still wanted to wait a little bit before TTC. I really just wanted to enjoy married life with just my husband before adding a new person to the equation. Perhaps this is something he is feeling??? But to be fair, we only dated for 2 years before getting married.

And on a side note, we both commute over an hour to work so that we could stay in our neighborhood. It's rough, but we make it work.

eliann's picture
Last seen: 1 year 5 days ago
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2441

Thanks for all the advice and the reading. Yeah I guess there is no reason to rush, I just want him to commit to trying within 2 years. I'm demanding, what can I say? Haha. It's just that we both said that we would wait until we were 30-31 to start trying and here we are and trying was officially thrown out the window. I talked with some of my girlfriends and they had similar comments. I think I do need to give him time to settle into "marriage." One of my friends suggested he might feel like he has lost a bit of his freedom with marriage. Even though things are the same as always. I'm backing off for now. Going to focus on studying and getting my tests done.

We do have a budget, because we have both been freelancing for the past 1.5 years, so we have to keep track of everything for tax purposes anyway. I feel like we can afford it, he just doesn't right now for whatever reason. He always likes to budget in A LOT extra for emergencies. Which is good, I know.

Anyways...I will keep my baby fever on the Down Low and share it with you ladies for now.
Thanks again.