Another chem (m/c poss preg ment)
In late Sept I posted on here about a chem that I was going through. You ladies were incredibly supportive. I went through hell mentally - before I actually got it confirmed what I was having. My doctor was a...bad word. She treated me very cold, said "your numbers dropped, you're having a miscarriage, do you have any questions?" I started to cry sitting there, she told me to get myself together and go out front. Nice lady. Anyhow, I cried and cried when I got home..they didn't want me to drive (my mom was with me), but I needed to drive. Something, anything to get my mind off of it. That was my first child...well it was going to be. My boyfriend at the time (we haven't broken up, he proposed!!! we're getting married in May, woohoo!) did everything he could to make me feel better. I cried at work - my boss knew what was going on and let me leave early almost every day. I cried everywhere. While I think people that have issues later in their pregnancy have it worse than me, I still felt like I had lost my baby, even though it was very early. My doc acted as though I wasn't really pregnant and that hurt, because I WAS pregnant. Fast forward to the beginning of January. I had two regular periods after my chem. In January, I thought I had implantation bleeding because I bled just a little bit on the 1st. That would have been a week before my period was scheduled to start. So I waited until the 5th to take a test. Negative. Figured oh well. The next day, I started my period. This is where it gets weird. My period is usually very heavy and lasts around 4 days. This period lasted around 5 days, but..I never really stopped bleeding. I mean, the red heavy stuff stopped, but there was still old blood when I wiped. On the 14th, my fiance and I BD'd. On the 16th, I was putting up boxes that were heavy at work and I got this pain in my abdomen, like I was about to start my period. I went to the bathroom but didn't see anything out of the ordinary (the brown goo was still there, but very very light). That night when I got home and wiped, it was old brown blood. I had pains all that afternoon.
It occurred to me that this is exactly what happened in September, with the pain and the old blood. So, I took a test. Positive. Immediately.
What in the world? I had a period! I also had a negative test the day before my period started. I know the best thing to do would be go to the doctor, but for financial reasons I can't go until atleast Friday. However, part of me doesn't want to go. I'd definitely go to a different doctor, but..I think I know what's going on. I've been through this crap before. This emotional rollercoaster. It sucks so bad. When I went before, they offered no answers. I was just told to wait. I've noticed that I'm getting bitter again too. I see all my friends getting pregnant, staying pregnant and I don't want anything to do with them. It's so easy for them. They probably don't know what a chemical pregnancy is, whereas I probably know more about them than I'd care to. I can't excited, not even cautiously optimistic. When I see their ultrasounds posted on FaceBook, I really wanna just cry. That's so sad. I should be happy for them, but I can't be. I don't even like looking at strollers or car seats because it just reminds me that my body can't hold a pregnancy.
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent....again.