Dealing with the dreaded question (m/c ment)

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aphart0's picture
Joined: 11/21/08
Posts: 681
Dealing with the dreaded question (m/c ment)

How do you ladies deal with the dreaded question(s) "are you pregnant?" or "why aren't you pregnant yet?". I had my two kiddos 17 months apart so if I was keeping that same pace I should be about 8 months preggo right now. And people at work know I want more kids. So I am constantly dealing with the question "are you pregnant yet?". Before I could easily handle it with "we are still trying", but now that I am going through a m/c I can't seem to answer the question. I have gotten it twice in the last 2 days and the first time I just wanted to yell "no, you @#&^$@^#!!! I am going through a m/c right now!!!!" and the second time I about burst into tears. The second one was a close friend of mine who has a big mouth so I didn't tell her that I was preggo and am not ready to tell her about the m/c. But she could obviously tell that something is wrong. So my question to you ladies is how do you deal with this without bursting into tears or hitting the person?

Sorry to have rambled on!!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6561

That is a very hard question. I don't really have answers, but wanted to offer up a hug. :bigarmhug:

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

If I wanted to talk to the person , I told them what had happened. If I didn't, I'd mumble that it isn't time yet.

It is really hard to answer those questions.

rlcummings1223's picture
Joined: 09/19/11
Posts: 320

i've been mistakenly asked if i was pregnant before (2 babies in 2 years can do that to a girl) but if i get asked it now i'll probably just lose it. I would tell them exactly like it is, so they feel horrible about it. I once saw a quote that says never ask a woman when she is due unless there is a baby coming out of her. People don't realize how hurtful it can be for so many reasons...miscarriages, just being overweight, TTC....so many reasons to just not say anything. It's a personal matter, when we feel like they need to know, we'll tell them.

kat83's picture
Joined: 04/27/07
Posts: 631

I tell them we are trying and its just not working out. To some people I hate when they ask that and then when you tell them you had a miscarriage, they disregard it like you didnt say it then it makes me mad cuz they asked and I told them. Then I think they act that way cuz they dont really know what to say. So now I just tell them we are trying but having some issues.

I wish people wouldnt ask unless you yourself bring it up!

yellow.rose.of.canada's picture
Joined: 01/13/10
Posts: 1173

First off, :bighug:

I found myself asking this exact question a month or so ago. (I think there might actually be a thread on this board from me) It stings so badly every time someone asks. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

Mandy, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm really upset to see you here but I hope you find some comfort from this board.

I really can't offer up any advice since I have the opposite problem. Everyone thinks Hubby and I don't want children. I have no clue why they just assume that....so strange. :confused:

I'm really sorry you're getting those questions....:(

:bigarmhug: :bigarmhug: :bigarmhug:

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

It's hard when we get those questions, and with you still going through a m/c, it is especially tough. People usually mean well and don't realize how insensitive they are, because if they've never been through it themselves, they don't realize what others may be going through. There was a time when I could have easily been that person who asked, "So do you guys plan to have any more kids?" But now that I've been through m/c, I never ask that anymore, since I don't know what someone might be going through.

I have never really known how to answer, either. Sometimes I'll just shrug and say, "I don't know." Other times I would have said, "We've been trying, but for whatever reasons it just hasn't happened yet." And now that we are not currently able to ttc due to a medical situation, I have no idea what I will say if I'm asked the question again.

Huge hugs to you,
~Mary

Joined: 10/06/09
Posts: 183

I often said "We've been trying but it hasn't worked out." With the right facial expression/intonation, most people realize that they've hit a sore spot and back off.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

"FLSunshineMom" wrote:

It's hard when we get those questions, and with you still going through a m/c, it is especially tough. People usually mean well and don't realize how insensitive they are, because if they've never been through it themselves, they don't realize what others may be going through. There was a time when I could have easily been that person who asked, "So do you guys plan to have any more kids?" But now that I've been through m/c, I never ask that anymore, since I don't know what someone might be going through.

I also never realized how hard the casual question can be. It never bothered me when people asked and we weren't planning on it yet. I try to remember that most people ask it out of curiosity/small talk and not out of any intent to hurt. Since TTC and having a m/c I'm way more aware that things can be going on that the people aren't telling the world so now the topic only comes up with specific people at specific conversation points.

ambie719's picture
Joined: 10/03/07
Posts: 811

I'm so sorry you're going through this Mandy! Our August board has a FB group, you should try to find it, I know the ladies there would offer lots of support. :bigarmhug:

It can be an uncomfortable question, especially so soon after the m/c. We just went through one in Oct, we hadn't told anyone we were pg and we still haven't told anyone at all about the m/c. I don't get "are you pg yet?" but we do get asked if we're planning on another, which we just answer honestly, yes we would like another, hopefully soon, and leave it at that. We don't make it public that we are actively TTC, (because that inevitably leads to people asking if its happened yet) we just give off an "if it happens it happens" type attitude and most people accept that.

I do try to be sensitive to friends when asking them if they're gonna start having kids soon, but unfortunately sometimes I just end up blurting it out out of curiosity, so I know that people who ask those types of questions aren't necessarily doing it to be hurtful or rub salt in the wound, they just don't know better.

I hope you get through this time and heal, and I hope you find a way to deal with Nosy Nellies.

kadibug's picture
Joined: 07/17/11
Posts: 247

have you ever tried saying something to make them feel just as incredibly awkward? i have.

"i'm a hermaphrodite. so is my husband." (transgender also works)

"i teach school, so i hate kids."

"god said being a mother doesn't suit."

"i wanted kids until i met yours."

"i'm too selfish. you know how that goes."

"i hate sex. i can never orgasm."

i have more but they might be too insensitive for this forum. (i typed them then decided to go back and delete.) go ahead, try one out on someone who really bugs you. they will never ask again... trust me.