Oh Honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through! I do very clearly remember the ache, the feeling of not being able to breath you are in such pain. Every waking thought being consumed with how much pain I was in and how very much I wanted a baby. At the time it felt like nothing would make it better. But now, years later there is still a corner of my heart that hurts when I think of that time, but it is not an all consuming pain like it once was. It is not even something I think about often. Time is a great healer of wounds. So are the children that I eventually went on to have.
I know how you feel sweetie. I feel the same way still sometimes. Overall, my emotional state is better but sometimes it's all just too much. I'm still bleeding, especially since I'm now taking cytotec for retained tissue. It's been almost 3 weeks for me and it just seems like the process that you go through afterwards never ends. I have trouble at night too. I haven't hardly been able to get to sleep before 4am or so. It's awful. Of course, DH is exhausted so he goes right to sleep and I'm just up alone all night. But that's better than the nightmares. I have terrible nightmares about m/c. It's just a miserable experience all the way around. Tonight my FIL is coming by to get our pack n play to take with him on a trip for our niece. I don't know why but when DH told me that it hit me really hard and I asked him to please get it ready so I won't have to see it. All I could think about was how our baby won't get to sleep in it. Ugh! I hope this process starts to move along. Giant hugs to you sweetie!
Oh and I also meant to say that I think it does get easier but that it just takes a while. It's too bad we can't speed up the process huh?
I keep hearing it will get easier. I don't know if I hate those words just because I think no one knows how I am feeling inside or what, but they make me mad. Time hasn't been helping me yet, but maybe it is because things just keep dragging out. I don't know. I knew on Easter that things weren't good and I was miscarrying. It didn't happen, it ended up being ectopic and I just was finally treated Wednesday. Now it is just more waiting to see if my body cooperates or it I need surgery. blah.
(((HUGS))) I just wanted to say that while each of our stories are a bit different, it is nice to know we have somewhere we can come to where people kind of get it.
Easier? Umm.. no. And not that things won't get BETTER, they sure will. But the pain of losing a baby I think, never really gets easier.
But after time (and it's different for everyone I am sure):
your brain does stop playing the "what if" record.
Your dreams DO start becoming less sad, and more hopeful.
Smiles come easy, rather than forced.
The world stops spinning long enough for you to get off and breathe.
You are able to feel again... that numbness won't be there forever.
Animosity will fade too... as far as I know, its the last thing to go. In fact, I think I still get bitter now and again.
Hold onto your faith, your partner, your anything that will stand hard and fast. What you feel, how you feel is all normal and absolutely OK.
There were times I felt like I had it handled. Then I crumbled to the ground without warning... not understanding why. I can't right say WHEN I came to a better place.. but I DID get there, and you will too..
Star I am so sorry. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but time will allow you to find a path to move forward. I have found that my loss is ALWAYS with me, but I have found ways to celebrate and hold my little one with me. For weeks I was depressed, avoided friends with babies and honestly cried all the time. My husband, reading about loss, felt we should get a physical remembrance and he bought me a beautiful diamond necklace (it's an eternity neclace). I wear that necklace constantly. When I need strength I can hold on to the pendant, symbolically I carry my little one around. It was my way to move out of the spinning craziness and get my feet back on ground. Everyone's path is different and they find comfort and the strength to move forward in different things. I hope you find your comfort and your place to pull your inner strength from.
This board was great to me, please come back whenever you need support.