Dont know what to do with myself anymore....

loss ment., child ment.


I feel adrift I guess. I mean I do what I need to do everyday and I interact with my children, they are my reason for living. And my husband he is my rock. But when its just me I feel so sad. My dh and I had a nice talk tonight about the baby and we both ended up crying which is a rarity for him. I dont want to watch my fav tv shows, I dont want to read which I normally love to do, I dont want to go shopping, etc. Its not that I dont leave my house I do every day. I have OCD, mild depression, and generalized anxiety disorder anyway and this just compounds that. I am already on meds to treat those things and attending therapy. I find myself cleaning all the time which is an issue of mine anyway with the OCD and I was trying to work on it in therapy but that has all gone out the window now. Now I am just trying to keep it together. I know things will get easier with time but it just really freaking sucks being in the thick of the sadness now. I do pretty well keeping it together most of the time but the tears sneak up on me a couple of times a day at least and I try to hide it from the kids. They think of the baby being in heaven as a good thing not a sad thing and I dont want to bring it home to them yet how sad losing someone can be. They will learn that unfortunatly on their own. They understand (or atleast the older ones do) that I am sad that the baby died but they think I should be okay now since the baby was born and went to heaven to watch over us, and I do find solace in that. But I am still sad. I am exhausted as well partly bc I lost so much blood during the delivery my Mw said it will take a good 5 wks for my body to replace it all and to be expecting fatigue. But the other part of it is I cant sleep hardly at all, I push myself to clean all day, and I cant seem to relax. I just want to be pg again and on my way to having a healthy baby. Blah well it felt good to get that out!

So sorry you're experiencing this. It definitely seems like you're in the worst part of it. I completely understand though I lost mine earlier and am least grateful, if I can be for anything, that it happened before I had to deliver or anything like that. I feel like that would make the grieving so much harder. I've been feeling much the same though. I do okay when I'm around people but when I'm alone for a few minutes it just comes crashing down on me. My favorite thing to do right now is sit in the dark after DH has gone to bed and watch reruns of some of my favorite shows. I think it numbs me to everything else because it's harder to think about or something. I'm going insane that I can't try again yet too. I should have another 4 weeks at the very least before we can try again and all of that time just seems endless when before a month wouldn't have seemed like much to me. I can't even imagine how it must feel to have gotten as far as you did only to have it end so sadly. Just know that we all understand and we are here for you. :bigarmhug: I wish I had more comforting words.

Thanks Leah. I can say from sad experience that it hurts badly to lose a baby early as well. This was harder n me physically n and mentally bc of the delivery though. Thanks for the support!

Tiffany, I'm so truly sorry for what you are going through. I wish that there was some magical drug that could take emotional pain away. Not that you want to forget your baby or anything but the pain is just too much to bear sometimes. It took me about 2 1/2 months (just recentely) before I started enjoying my hobbies again. Keeping busy seemed to help me but then I had complications from my procedure and had to take it easy. Which you definitely need to do since you lost so much blood. Make sure you have good vitamins and load up on food with iron. I ate a lot of sunflower seeds and cashews and I think that helped. Could you maybe take something to help you sleep? Also, I started a journal and that seemed to help me, that might be something to try? I remember watching a funny show and laughing for the first time and then felt guilty for laughing:(. But i think it does help to laugh and have fun. I know that I don't really know you but if I did, I would bring you a nice cooked meal (not by me because I can't cook!), movies, junk food and a huge hug:). If you need to cry, go to your room, shut the door and let it out. I wish you peace and comfort and hope that your body heals quickly.

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

I DO take done thing to help me sleep, two something's actually, nortriptyline for migraine prevention and klonopin for aanxiety both of which should help me sleep. I am an insomniac though and it just goes to show you how powerful the mind can be bc I can stay up despite both those meds. I just starte back on them too after we found out our baby was gone so they really should be working. I can't be too out of it though bc dh sleeps very soundly and I have to get uup if the kids need anything. And i have made two trips to my roomto cry today the tears just ssneak up on me. A journal is a good idea if I can make myself sit to write in it.

Tiffany I know how you feel about the insomnia. I have such bad insomnia I was even on Ambien when I was pregnant which I guess is perfectly safe and a Cat B or something but they knew it was best for me to keep taking it anyway because otherwise I wouldn't sleep. It effected me really different when pregnant and still has been. It used to work in just a few minutes and now it seems to take about two hours. Since the m/c I've been up most nights to 3-4am. DH goes to bed and I just stay up and watch tv and hope I'll sleep eventually. I haven't slept much during the day either. I think insomnia just makes any kind of emotional stress that much worse because it's impossible to cope when you can't sleep. I hope you get some relief soon sweetie.

I'm sorry, Tiffany :comfort:

Your post-delivery hormones may be contributing, too, so if it is that, maybe you'll feel better soon, I hope. As for the insomnia, have you heard of eating a medium banana before bed? It has melatonin and serotonin which helps calm your mind and regulate your mood so you can sleep. And I just read tonight that they can also help with depression. :goodluck: I will say a prayer for you.

Thanks Mary. I will try a banana I like them but rarely eat them that late.

I just wanted to give you a big (((HUG))). I am so sorry you are going through this. I too suffered from insomnia, anxiety and depression with all of my losses. It will take some time but slowly you *will* start feeling like yourself again. I hope when you are ready to ttc again that you get a sticky healthy baby. :bigarmhug: