loss ment., child ment.
I feel adrift I guess. I mean I do what I need to do everyday and I interact with my children, they are my reason for living. And my husband he is my rock. But when its just me I feel so sad. My dh and I had a nice talk tonight about the baby and we both ended up crying which is a rarity for him. I dont want to watch my fav tv shows, I dont want to read which I normally love to do, I dont want to go shopping, etc. Its not that I dont leave my house I do every day. I have OCD, mild depression, and generalized anxiety disorder anyway and this just compounds that. I am already on meds to treat those things and attending therapy. I find myself cleaning all the time which is an issue of mine anyway with the OCD and I was trying to work on it in therapy but that has all gone out the window now. Now I am just trying to keep it together. I know things will get easier with time but it just really freaking sucks being in the thick of the sadness now. I do pretty well keeping it together most of the time but the tears sneak up on me a couple of times a day at least and I try to hide it from the kids. They think of the baby being in heaven as a good thing not a sad thing and I dont want to bring it home to them yet how sad losing someone can be. They will learn that unfortunatly on their own. They understand (or atleast the older ones do) that I am sad that the baby died but they think I should be okay now since the baby was born and went to heaven to watch over us, and I do find solace in that. But I am still sad. I am exhausted as well partly bc I lost so much blood during the delivery my Mw said it will take a good 5 wks for my body to replace it all and to be expecting fatigue. But the other part of it is I cant sleep hardly at all, I push myself to clean all day, and I cant seem to relax. I just want to be pg again and on my way to having a healthy baby. Blah well it felt good to get that out!