I'm feeling pretty depressed and sad today. Part of it is because I seem to be experiencing pms which can be pretty violent when I'm on the pill and I'm due for AF in a week. So I know that's contributing. I took some pamprin today and it helped. I also had a margarita tonight and that helped for a little while but that's long gone now. I know it's because tomorrow is mother's day. If my pregnancy had continued, I would have been nearly halfway through by now and we'd be finding out in a week or two if we were having a boy or girl. We would have found out right around my birthday which is coming up in a few weeks. It just sucks because of mother's day and because I'm having another birthday without being pregnant or bringing a child into this world. I know I'm plenty young enough and all but I'm just about the only person I know who hadn't had a child, including DH's little cousin who neglects her child and had him when she was 18 or something and then got divorced. I feel like such an outcast sometimes at family events because I have no children.
Of course the family knows about everything that's happened but I almost wonder if that'll make eating with the family worse tomorrow. I doubt they'll mention it really. DH's aunt and grandmother have both had m/c. His aunt has had 3. So they both know the pain of losing a child but no one has seen us since the loss and I'm a little worried I'll be really sad. Some people say I'm a mother but I don't feel like one. Sometimes it feels like I was never pregnant and all and other times it feels impossible to believe that I'm not anymore. Sometimes these feelings really catch me off guard.
We're going to be starting back on fertility meds as soon as AF is here which should be sometime next week. In some ways I'm looking forward to it and it can't get here fast enough. In other ways I'm terrified I won't be able to handle it. That the 2WW will make me insane. That DTD will freak me out somehow because I know it could work. I'm also worried I'll be terrified to test and that if it doesn't work I'll be so depressed I won't be able to try again. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety toward the whole thing....I know I want to try again...not trying would be even worse but I'm also completely terrified we'll find out I have damage from the d&c and m/c somehow since it was so drawn out.
Clearly there are a million things going through my head right now...I wish I could turn my brain off for a while. It's wearing me out.
*hugs* Leah. I've gotten pleasantly numb about Mother's Day this year. I think it's a protective mechanism I've developed. I didn't know until Weds that it was this weekend, and it was nice. My poor Mum got a little shorted this year with a card and gift certificate, but I just don't have it in me to do more.
My MIL lives here in town so we went to another overpriced overdone buffet at one of the ski resorts. This is apparently a tradition that has gone on all her life, but someday, when MD is about me instead I'm going to BEG for something different. I hate paying those prices for a snooty buffet full of food that I don't like. We'll head to her house soon and spend a few more hours watching the dog, and giving cards and gifts to her before I can make my escape.
That sounds terrible doesn't it? I love my MIL, but she wears me out, emotionally.
I decided last year that I was the Invisible Mother. Someday, maybe next year, when we have a child on Mother's Day, one of these relatives is going to make some comment about my "first Mother's Day" and they're going to get an earful.
I am so sorry for all you are having to go through.
Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a little better today. I taught Kindergarten and while all day all I could think about, when I had a chance anyway, was what would my child have been like at that age and things like that I do think that overall it helped. I think it helps to stay busy. Sadly I won't have a job for a few months while school is out which might make me insane. I'm hoping that I get pregnant again though and I can just relax and not have to worry about working while feeling bad. Thanks for all the support! I'm not sure how I'd get through all of this without you!
I'm late to this but wanted to say I'm sorry and give you a great big hug, too
I'm sorry Leah its a lot to deal with on any day let alone a day to recognize motherhood. Even though your baby wasnt born alive it doesnt mean that you arent a mom, even if you dont feel like one, that baby was growing inside you so tht makes you a mommy. I get why you feel like you do though my first pg was a loss and I didnt feel like a mom either, in fact I just pushed all the feelings down about my loss. Looking back now though I feel I started being a mom then. I was sad on MD too it really made me miss Noah. I am glad working helped out. I think staying busy helps too. Big hugs!