I'm feeling pretty depressed and sad today. Part of it is because I seem to be experiencing pms which can be pretty violent when I'm on the pill and I'm due for AF in a week. So I know that's contributing. I took some pamprin today and it helped. I also had a margarita tonight and that helped for a little while but that's long gone now. I know it's because tomorrow is mother's day. If my pregnancy had continued, I would have been nearly halfway through by now and we'd be finding out in a week or two if we were having a boy or girl. We would have found out right around my birthday which is coming up in a few weeks. It just sucks because of mother's day and because I'm having another birthday without being pregnant or bringing a child into this world. I know I'm plenty young enough and all but I'm just about the only person I know who hadn't had a child, including DH's little cousin who neglects her child and had him when she was 18 or something and then got divorced. I feel like such an outcast sometimes at family events because I have no children.
Of course the family knows about everything that's happened but I almost wonder if that'll make eating with the family worse tomorrow. I doubt they'll mention it really. DH's aunt and grandmother have both had m/c. His aunt has had 3. So they both know the pain of losing a child but no one has seen us since the loss and I'm a little worried I'll be really sad. Some people say I'm a mother but I don't feel like one. Sometimes it feels like I was never pregnant and all and other times it feels impossible to believe that I'm not anymore. Sometimes these feelings really catch me off guard.
We're going to be starting back on fertility meds as soon as AF is here which should be sometime next week. In some ways I'm looking forward to it and it can't get here fast enough. In other ways I'm terrified I won't be able to handle it. That the 2WW will make me insane. That DTD will freak me out somehow because I know it could work. I'm also worried I'll be terrified to test and that if it doesn't work I'll be so depressed I won't be able to try again. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety toward the whole thing....I know I want to try again...not trying would be even worse but I'm also completely terrified we'll find out I have damage from the d&c and m/c somehow since it was so drawn out.
Clearly there are a million things going through my head right now...I wish I could turn my brain off for a while. It's wearing me out.