Feeling some anxiety
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    Prolific Poster Leah261's Avatar
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    Default Feeling some anxiety

    I'm feeling some anxiety about trying again. I finally got the green light to try again on Wednesday. I got my last hcg test and it was 3. FINALLY! It was finally down enough that they think my body is all ready to go. I have the Femara and have worked back up to my former pre-pregnancy dose of Metformin so I'm ready to go once AF is here which should be in about a week or so. But I'm so nervous. I feel kind of weird about it. I feel absolutely ready to try and didn't want to have to wait this long to begin with, but I'm going back and forth between feeling super excited and optimistic and feeling like it's never going to happen. In some ways I feel like I was pregnant just yesterday and the pressure of being pregnant again and being nervous about holding on to it scares me. And in other ways I feel like it's been so long that I have a hard time believing I was ever pregnant which makes me feel like it'll never happen again. I'm also nervous about how I'll react whether it works first try or not. I'm afraid if it doesn't I'll be heartbroken and if it does I'll be terrified and afraid to bond. I'm just having a lot of conflicting thoughts about it. I know we're going to try but I guess I'm just nervous about how I'm going to deal with TTC and fertility treatments again after going through this for a year already and having a m/c.
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27)
    Drew (30)
    Diagnosed PCOS 2009 and Endometriosis May 2013
    Currently foster parents hoping to adopt
    Got our first placement at 2 days old 11/19 and hoping she is our forever daughter


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    Posting Addict **Tiffany**'s Avatar
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    Oh Leah big hugs girlie! I could have written this post almost exactly except for the IF stuff. I am so scared right now. I was a total mess leading up to O freaking out that I wasn't going to O at all (that happened tto me my first cycle after my 2nd loss) and worrrying wecwerent bd'iing enough ( we did 5 nights in a row lol) I was driving dh crazy w my moods. I also feel sometimes like my pregnancy w Noah didn't happen it's the weirdest thing and it makes me sad but it's just so surreal I guess is the word?? I am also super worried it won't work this time or maybe anytime, I am 35 now which is sort of a fertility/healthy pg worrying point. I am trying to prepare myself for the real possibility I won't get pg this cycle and I feel sick to my stomach when I consider it. I have it all planned out in my head my edd, when the 2nd tri would begin, etc. and I know I'll be really sad if AF comes. However of I do get pg I Will be ecstatic but petrified at the same time. I feel like I will never really feel safe and my anxiety will be out of control. Ugh this stuff is soo hard!!!!!!! Sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread!!!

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    I felt the same way after my loss back in 2009. For me personally, I found solace in my Christian faith and knowing it was all in God's hands. Hang in there and take it one day at a time

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    PS: Congrats on getting the green light

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    Prolific Poster Leah261's Avatar
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    Thanks ladies. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. This is probably going to sound super weird but this morning DH and I had an illumination done. It's a ceremony type thing done by a shaman. I don't really know how to explain it too well, but it kind of goes along with any belief system as long as you believe there's an afterlife. I'm Christian my Dad thinks I'm nuts for having it done but whatever. Basically, the shaman can sense your energy and the flow of energy in your body or you "light" as it's also called. They get rid of any bad energy or energy that isn't moving and restore it to a proper flow. They said that I had a lot of energy stored in my reproductive area and one of the shaman people is a lady that used to be DH's professor in college. She seems to sense things...I don't know how, but she told me that the baby was still with me and that it hadn't crossed over. She said she could feel the baby's spirit on her way to meet us today. We took care of that though and part of the process is letting go so that energy is restored and you can move on. It did help. For some reason it makes me feel a lot more optimistic and calm about getting pregnant again. It might all sound completely insane but I completely believe that I'm changed both physically and emotionally forever since going through this. So it makes sense to me. I also still felt that my baby was still here with me, but I feel different after this experience. It sounds weird when I tell it but it makes sense to me. It helps.

    And Tiffany my heart goes out to you sweetie! I'm keeping everything crossed for you! I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 17 weeks I think it was and had to deliver. She's got back to trying a month or so later and just found out that she's pregnant again. I think your body wants to be pregnant after all it's been through, and I think your chances are great. Giant hugs to you!
    MMC 4/12
    Leah (27)
    Drew (30)
    Diagnosed PCOS 2009 and Endometriosis May 2013
    Currently foster parents hoping to adopt
    Got our first placement at 2 days old 11/19 and hoping she is our forever daughter


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