Here we go again.. p/g ment m/c ment

Excuse my long absence. I couldn't even draw myself to these boards for comfort because everything "baby" reminded me of what I just went through. I had an ectopic in late Jan/early Feb. Two shots of methotrexate treated it, my HCG fell rapidly after the second. When my HCG level got down to a 303 (from 13900) I had to stop going. I know, I know, you're supposed to go until your HCG level hits zero, but problems arose and I couldn't go. I've had a ...I wouldn't call it a pain, more like an uncomfortable-ness in the area where my ectopic was, since I had the actual pregnancy. It never "hurts" and sometimes I don't feel it all, but when my period is about to hit, it shows up a little more.

So, 6 months later..I find out I'm pregnant. I busted into tears when I saw the line. I knew I was preg - my boobs were killing me, but even so, getting the actual "yes" threw me into a whirlwind of emotions.
I'm scared and nervous and mad and petrified. NONE of those are good. I'm not even excited. Isn't that horrible? Instead of thinking good thoughts, the first thing through my mind was, "I don't have enough vacation time to take off of work to get more shots." I automatically assume something is going to be wrong. But after a chemical, then an ectopic, I have little reason to be optimistic.

So - I called a new doctor today. They can't see me for a week and a half. My old doctor won't answer the phone, but I'm not even sure I want to go back to them. I'm concerned about this "uncomfortable-ness" because I never saw my HCG level drop to zero. However, someone pointed out to be that six months going by, probably something would have happened with the old ectopic if it was going too.

I'm confused. I know I need to go to the doctor, but on the other side of that I don't want too.

A friend of mine is having baby #4. She's never had a miscarriage. She found out she was 3 weeks preg and posted it all over Facebook about how she's having #4. It must be nice to be so sure nothing is going to happen. To not even let negative thoughts fill your head.

I'm seriously having a hard time dealing with this.

:bigarmhug: I completely understand. Being pg after a loss is almost as stressful as TTC after a loss. It is very normal to have such a reaction after a loss. There are several ladies on here who are also pg after a loss that I am sure can also relate.

I'm really sorry about all you had to go through. ((HUGS))

CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's totally normal to feel scared and detached. I've had 3 miscarriages and a chemical so with this pregnancy, I almost pretended like I wasn't pregnant for first several weeks. I was very detached and still am a bit, I guess. I don't think the fear really goes away fully but with each good u/s or appointment you start to let your guard down little by little.

About your HCG, it's very likely that your levels did drop back to zero. Especially if it's been 6 months. I'm assuming you've had at least one cycle if not several. I'm sorry you're still having pain. Maybe you're just hyper aware of your ovaries? I know I'm especially aware of my ovaries, uterus, weird twinges and pain after having been pregnant 5 times and having done ivf. I'm sure your OB will want to give you an u/s to make sure everything okay.

Congrats again and please KUP!

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

:bigarmhug:

Ditto to everything said above. I think it's totally normal to kind of detach yourself a little bit from a new pregnancy after a loss; it's so heartbreaking to lose a pregnancy that you want to protect your heart from ever feeling that way again.

I agree with Jina that after 6 months, surely your HCG was back down to zero, and that after TTCing, being pregnant, having losses, we are super super aware of what our bodies are up to at all times. So feeling twinges and stuff isn't as scary as it sounds; you're probably paying a lot closer attention to that area of your body than you used to. I am the same way.

I also totally get being scared to go to the doctor. I am currently also early in the first trimester of preg and my thing is that I am terrified to have an u/s. I know how irrational that is, but I have had two losses, both diagnosed via u/s, and it's almost to the point where I can't even imagine having an u/s that is actually healthy and normal. I try to picture having an u/s where the doctor says, all happy "Look, there's baby! Looks great!" and I can't even picture it. But that doesn't mean it can't happen, it just means that I have had some bad experiences that left me a little shaky in that area. I get it. :) Anyway, welcome, and we are here to support you. Unfortunately, we've all been through it and we kind of know what you're going through.

Congrats on your pregnancy, good luck, and keep us posted!

:bigarmhug:

:bigarmhug: