m/c ment over Easter Weekend

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KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34
m/c ment over Easter Weekend

My sister told me there was a forum on this site that dealt with loss, and I'm glad I found it.

On March 24 I went and did an ultrasound because I was having abdominal cramping. The radiologist had me do a pregnancy test, but did not tell me the results. Instead she called me on the phone after I left the office and informed me I had an incomplete abortion and would have to do a D&C.

I met with the GYN and he did not agree. So over a week and a half I did 3 blood hcg tests (721, 666, 793). With the last level at 793 we were hopeful, but the doctor told me since we still did not know the location of the fetus, I should be on the lookout for bleeding and cramping.
Thursday night I started cramping like I was getting my period, and when i went to the restroom, there was blood. I went to the emergency room at the hospital at midnight and stayed there until I was admitted Friday morning at 9:30.
Based on the two doctors that saw me and the fact that I was bleeding, they came to the conclusion I was losing the baby. I did an ultrasound, and it showed nothing in my tubes or uterus, and only showed fluid in my pelvis, which was not much of an issue, because of the amount of fluid that was there.

They checked my blood count and it was low: 8.5 on average....when normal is 12. So they ordered another blood hcg test. Saturday they informed me that the result came back at 50. I have lost my little angel. They think it was a tubal pregnancy or an early pregnancy that could not continue.

I know you all can relate to this, and I just need to talk to someone.
Im heart broken, saddened, frustrated, angry, bitter. And now I feel absolute anxiety and fear when I think of ttc again. Suppose this happens again?? I really dont think I could go through this again.

I was discharged yesterday, and I have to do another blood test on Tuesday and take it back to the hospital for a follow up to make sure the hcg levels have fallen below 1.

Joined: 06/18/11
Posts: 1425

KryssyD- ((((BIG HUGS))))

I am so sorry you are going through this. I also found out I was having a m/c yesterday and I just wanted to say that I think your feelings are normal. I had a m/c in November as well, and I know there were no words to make me feel better then. It just helped having people I could express myself freely to. The ladies here are great support.

I am here if you ever want to chat.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

I'm so, so sorry. Sad I know how heartbreaking my loss was and am just so sad for you. There aren't any words that can take away the pain. I will just say time does help as you work through the grief and one day you will likely reach a point where your desire to try again will outweigh the fear. Just take the time you need, one day at a time.

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

I'm so very sorry for your loss :bigarmhug:

Your situation sounds very similar to mine in some ways, though they finally did find a fetus in or near my tube (at first they thought it was just a cyst on my ovary that kept getting bigger). I also had fluid in my pelvis/abdominal cavity.

So glad you found this forum for support. We're here for you. :comfort:

-Mary

StarShine65712's picture
Joined: 08/15/09
Posts: 337

I am so so sorry!!! I just found out my baby was gone last Monday with a ultrasound. No one told me until
Tuesday but I knew. I was ten weeks... Never had any problems. It was a huge shock.

Today I had a d&c done. Sad

KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34

I am so sorry you are all going through something like this. I'm trying to find hope and acceptance, but its not easy and its not helping that I'm surrounded by children daily where I live...with 2 pregnant women.

I'm sleeping a lot and I'm still weak...guess cause of my blood count...and just the shock and pain of losing my child. I keep thinking about the possible gender and the names we decided on long ago.
I pray this is the end of it and that the test Tuesday will show hcg levels below 1...so I can TRY to move on.

StarShine65712's picture
Joined: 08/15/09
Posts: 337

it's so hard when u are around pregnant women... I have a lot of gfs that are pregnant and one even found out today after I had my d&c that she's having twins... I'm
Happy for all
My friends but it hurts knowing I'm suppose to be pregnant too and now I'm not.... I'm scared to death this is going to happen again I don't know if I can take the heart ache again.

Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sad

This board has been an amazing source of comfort during my losses and I hope you are able to find some comfort here as well. ((((HUGS))))

KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34

"StarShine65712" wrote:

it's so hard when u are around pregnant women... I have a lot of gfs that are pregnant and one even found out today after I had my d&c that she's having twins... I'm
Happy for all
My friends but it hurts knowing I'm suppose to be pregnant too and now I'm not.... I'm scared to death this is going to happen again I don't know if I can take the heart ache again.

It is really hard. I have that very same fear right now...what if I get pregnant again and I have another m/c??? I really don't think I could go through it again. I'm strong...but not strong enough for that...or this.

Mamma_Bear_81's picture
Joined: 02/01/12
Posts: 173

"KryssyD" wrote:

I'm sleeping a lot and I'm still weak...guess cause of my blood count...and just the shock and pain of losing my child. I keep thinking about the possible gender and the names we decided on long ago.
I pray this is the end of it and that the test Tuesday will show hcg levels below 1...so I can TRY to move on.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby in October and I know the pain that you are feeling. I pray that it does end quickly for you. The dragging on can be so hard.
I don't know how you feel about it, but when we lost our baby we decided to name him/her. We didn't know the gender so we chose a gender neutral name. For me it helped a lot, because it was our baby, a part of our family. Something you might want to consider.
Hang in there, time does heal all wounds even if it doesn't feel that way now.
:bigarmhug:

StarShine65712's picture
Joined: 08/15/09
Posts: 337

"KryssyD" wrote:

It is really hard. I have that very same fear right now...what if I get pregnant again and I have another m/c??? I really don't think I could go through it again. I'm strong...but not strong enough for that...or this.

Yes!! I'm scared to death it will happen again!! I can't do this again!! My heart is already
Half gone... Another one it'd be totally gone. Sigh... I do have one daughter who keeps me going thank god for her bless her heart. And my friends and family gave been great. But I still fear.... What if

KET_2010's picture
Joined: 08/13/11
Posts: 1737

(hugs) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Last year I had a m/c on Easter. It was hard because my husband had also just deployed and couldn't be there with me for us to mourn the loss of our baby. I was only 6 weeks, but it hurt just as much.

There is no amount of time to take to work through this, I still mourn the loss of my baby from a year ago. All the ladies here are understanding and are willing to lend an ear.

Feel better. (hugs)

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6568

:bigarmhug: I am so very sorry for your loss.

KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34

Mama_Bear, thanks so much for your suggestion on naming the baby we lost. DH and I thought about and decided on the name Quinn. So now when I think of my little bean that we lost, he/she is not a nameless entity, and when we pray, we have a name.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had to go to the lab again and do another blood hcg test (so they can make sure the levels are falling as they should). The technician that was taking the blood sample was rushing to send it to the head office with the other tests that needed to be done, and was not gentle. She literally shoved the needle into my arm (this is the same arm that the labs and doctors have been using over the past 2 and a half weeks). She did it so roughly that it hurt for an hour after.
Then I came home and I tried to sleep cause I'm just tired all the time, but couldn't sleep so well. DH's boss sent him home to be with me when he found out (they were out of the country), and DH tried to get me to come outside with him but I didn't want to.

Then it was time to pick up the results and go to the hospital. We get to the hospital and there's a doctor there joking around with one of the nurses. The nurse asks the doctor (I'm standing right in front of them) if she would like to take a look at me. The doctor literally said Not Really. Anyway, after a few minutes she comes over and says: Uhm, we can't find your file, so tell me about you.
Seriously guys??
I look confused and she tells me to wait again, and some time later comes over with my file. Gives me the most half-hearted checkup EVER and then has me wait while they prepare another form for me to do another blood test on Friday to go back to the hospital.

I am just so SICK AND TIRED of this now. I want all this to end so I can mourn our baby in peace.
My neighbors have been really supportive, and were all outside with DH and I last night talking to us and telling us stories of friends who this happened to and that they have kids now, etc.

I'm trying to be strong, but I have my moments when I just feel like it's a bad dream and I want out. Last night I smiled at something on tv and felt guilty for smiling Sad

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

So sorry for your rough day. :comfort: I hope today is better.

KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34

Hi ladies, I just wanted to post an update on how things are going.

I've been slowly getting stronger emotionally...I still can't physically talk about my loss with people, and actually haven't been getting that much support from my friends...quite a few of them knew I was in the hospital and knew I lost my baby...but I haven't received a phone call or so much as a text message from them...

I had friends telling me 2 and 3 days after I was discharged that 'at some point I'm going to need to stop', and 'I need to keep things in perspective', and 'I can't afford to have this stance'. All those really upset me and I made it very clear that since they have not gone through anything like this they cannot possibly know what I am going through and found a way to end the conversation.

I did two more blood hcg tests after being discharged. The second was 8.3 or something like that and they determined that I won't need to do any more. Thankfully, because DH and I are now broke from all the medical bills, and we haven't received the hospital bill yet.

I have been working from home, so that limits the number of people I need to see or interact with.

I know at some point the 6 week wait period will end and we will be able to try again, and I am terrified of when that time comes, but I'm praying for the strength I'll need to get through each day.

indianajones's picture
Joined: 01/21/07
Posts: 1486

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all the rough time you've had since then. Adds insult to injury, huh?

My theory on comments from friends/coworkers/family is that they just don't know what to say and are afraid of saying something wrong, so they don't say anything. In my experience, no one said anything, because they didn't want to bring up a sensitive subject. I think they were waiting for me to bring it up. And what I wanted more than anything was for people to acknowledge that I had been pregnant and that I had lost a baby.

Hugs to you!

KryssyD's picture
Joined: 01/09/11
Posts: 34

"indianajones" wrote:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all the rough time you've had since then. Adds insult to injury, huh?

My theory on comments from friends/coworkers/family is that they just don't know what to say and are afraid of saying something wrong, so they don't say anything. In my experience, no one said anything, because they didn't want to bring up a sensitive subject. I think they were waiting for me to bring it up. And what I wanted more than anything was for people to acknowledge that I had been pregnant and that I had lost a baby.

Hugs to you!

Thanks indianajones...you're right. I guess people just don't know what to say or do. I had a friend tell me that's how she feels...she says she couldn't imagine what I'm going through or how I'm feeling and she feels like she can't do anything to help me.
I can still only really talk with the people who already know about it. And while to some degree I'm starting to feel a little normal again, it's forever in my mind.