I have so many mixed feelings right now. I feel sad, angry, hurt, annoyed, mad, pissed, depressed, lucky, horribly un-lucky, blessed, and not blessed. My miscarriage was early. Much earlier than most people have them, because most people who have them as early as me don't even know about them in the first place so it's just another cycle for them. But I did know. I knew and I was excited. I know a lot of people probably think we don't need a third kid, they worry about my health and if we can afford another kid. While I was nervous to tell some people because of that...I didn't really care. Part of me did though, and that part of me feels like i caused the miscarriage or something, like I didn't want the baby enough. I had been wanting a third kid for a few months though, and Joel just wasn't quite ready yet, which was fine. We weren't trying, but if it happened, then it happened and that was fine. So it happened, and then it didn't. I say it like we got a new appliance or something. We had a baby. I had a baby inside of me. He didn't have arms or legs or anything like that yet, but there was life...or at least the building blocks of it. Who knows how far along these things are when the horrible happens, but it was life to me. I already was shopping around to try and find out how to fit 3 carseats into our small SUV. I bought a pair of maternity pants in anticipation of needing them sooner than i ever had before. I talked with a friend about how i was excited, but how some part of me was just really nervous, but i'm always nervous this early in pregnancy, so no big deal.
I read around on all of the support groups, and message boards about miscarriages and I make myself feel like i don't belong. We haven't been trying to conceive a baby for 4 years without success. We didn't have a stillborn baby. I didn't even have to have a d&c for any of this. I just had my period a week later right? But then how do i really feel? I really feel like I just had a baby taken away. Like i had already seen this kid in my dreams and hopes and wishes, and God just took it away. I really feel like I'm going to think of this child as one of my children for the rest of my life. I feel like when August 13th rolls around, i'm going to feel empty inside because there is no baby being born, or celebrating a birthday. How long will that date be important to me....probably forever. There are women who have gone through this so many times. More times than i could ever imagine. So i make myself feel like i don't belong or have a right to be sad about this.
On Wednesday morning i was sitting on the computer and started to get some cramping. It was more cramping than i'd had before but it wasn't horrible. I got re-assurance that was normal. Then i go to the bathroom, and things aren't normal. I'm bleeding...a lot. Wednesday night I know things are bad. The bleeding keeps happening and I know what is probably happening. At midnight i've lost hope and resign that we've lost our baby. The bleeding is really bad and it's not normal. Thursday morning I have a renewed hope...maybe the bleeding is done. Doc says it can be normal and to wait until the Monday appt. Well that won't work for me, sorry. I go to the ER to have a blood draw and exam. I'm ok checking in. I don't cry because i'm just looking for a confirmation of what i already know. Joel is at work and has to go to school, Joel's mom has the kids so i went alone. I just needed to know. But i'm alone. They call my name and I walk back to get into the exam room. Just then Joel calls my name. He decided he should be there and screw school. Thank God. I get into the room and burst into tears hugging him. I'm so glad someone is there with me. So we wait and joke around. The nurses are all really optimistic and think everything is fine. I joke with Joel that there is no reason to give me false hope, just tell me what i know and we'll move on. After about 2.5 hours my blood draw comes back. Hcg levels are a whopping 32. I should be about 3 days pregnant with levels like that...not 4.5 weeks. The nurse says maybe you just ovulated late. Unlikely. I smile politely and say thanks. Then she leaves. I know with that number that it's over. It's one thing to know the answer...it's another thing to hear it spoken out loud. About an hour later they come to do a pelvic exam. There is so much blood that they can't even see anything. Hearing them say that I lose it. I just want this torture to be over and done with but the exam lasts what feels like forever because they can't find the stuff they need. After everything is done we go to leave the hospital. I've had my time to cry, i've cried all i can for now. We go to check out and pay our co-pay and the woman behind the counter glances at my paperwork and says 'Ooh so when is the baby due.'
The past two days have also sucked. I have moments of every one of the emotions i mentioned before. Sometimes i want to be alone, other times i can't stand to be alone. Kenzie has been a comfort and a joy. We told her that mommy was sad because we were going to have another baby, but that God decided to take the baby away, take him home. Last night i was crying in our room. Kenzie came and asked for a hug and why i was crying. I said because i was said. 'Because of the baby?' she says. I say yeah. 'I want another baby too mommy.' Soon after she crawled into my lap and asked me to sing her a song that we haven't sung to her since she was a baby. That was wonderful. She is still my baby. I have two wonderful children to cling to as well as a very supportive husband who knows he is having to walk on eggshells around me right now. He is ok with that. I'm moody, i'm spaced out, i'm a busy body, and i'm lazy. I'm everything all at once.