New to TTCAL **m/c ment, and long winded**
I'm Jess, and was part of the April 2013 board recently. We were thrilled to be expecting our first, and felt so lucky to have conceived after just a couple months for trying. I got my first BFP on August 5th, and the symptoms followed not long after. I had no reason to believe that I wasn't about to experience a run-of-the mill pregnancy.
I had random spotting and light bleeding throughout, but kept getting positive tests, and everyone kept assuring me that the type of bleeding I was experiencing was normal. After a bit of a scare, I went to the ER and my first ultrasound was ordered. At the time of the first u/s, I would have been around 6 weeks, and knew what I expected to see on the screen. The screen showed nothing. I was confused, because I chart and was very sure of my dates. Following that u/s, I went for a couple rounds of blood work, the first beta hcg level was over 33,000, the second was over 82,000. The doctor was pleased with these numbers and scheduled another u/s.
This past Monday, I went for the u/s, knowing that I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. At this point, a baby would be visible, and the heartbeat would be easy to find. My heart sank when I looked at the screen. No baby, just a couple of empty sacs measuring 6 weeks. Why would my hcg levels be so high without an embryo?
After receiving the report, my GP called and instructed me to go to one of the local hospitals, register through emerg, and an OB would see me right away... she was expecting me. The sense of urgency scared the crap out of me. She was nice, and informative. She said that the ultrasounds and the hcg levels conflicted, seeing the two together led them to believe that I might be experiencing a molar pregnancy. The absence of an embryo, my dates, and the fact that I wasn't experiencing any pain makes them think that I am not experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. No matter how they looked at it, it was clear that this pregnancy would end, and they felt better about doing a D&C to minimize the risk of losing too much blood if it is, in fact, a molar pregnancy.
I had only ever read about molar pregnancies briefly because of their link to abnormally high hcg levels (mine were in a normal range though). I didn't realize how serious they could be, and that if this is what I'm going through, we'll have to wait a full year before TTC again for my own health. It could be a partial molar pregnancy, which means we'd have to wait 6 months. I never thought I'd wish for a "normal miscarriage", but I'm crossing my fingers for that now, we're very anxious to start our family, and being told to wait for medical reasons would be a blow to both of us. DH recently beat testicular cancer, and while he's in remission now, he won't be considered cancer free until 5 years have passed. It's a very real possibility that the cancer could come back and claim his only working testicle, so we're working against the clock.
I went for my D&C today. I'm grateful that it was under general anaesthesia, I didn't want to know what was going on. I felt relief waking up, hearing that the procedure went well, and that the physical part of the healing can truly begin so I can work on the rest of me. I still feel a little shell shocked. I felt for a while that something wasn't going right with the pregnancy, and that it just wasn't going to work out in our favour. I'm just ready to move on.
I'm sure that once we're given the go ahead to TTC again, it'll stir up some of the emotions I've been going through this week. I have a new appreciation, and a different type of sympathy for other women who have experienced losses. I've always considered myself to be a very logical person, like there's a reason for everything and you just take it as it comes. I've also never been one to outwardly express my sadness. When I cry, it's usually in sympathy for somebody else. I surprised myself by throwing a bit of a pity party on Tuesday when I got the news about the D&C. I waited until I got home and cried my face off for half an hour.
Although it's still fresh, I already feel better that the healing process can begin. DH and I can start looking forward to brighter things, and hope that we get a healthy pregnancy soon.
I'm looking forward to hanging around the TTCAL board for a while and getting to know the rest of you ladies. I hope that your stays here are short and sweet.