"So, do you want to have more kids?" Or, "When are you guys going to have another?"
What do you say? I feel so awkward answering this question, because people don't want the truth. They want to hear a nonchalant, "Oh, someday we'll have more." Or a simple, "we're done."
For some reason I think "We are actively trying and have been for nine months. I actually was pregnant and had a miscarriage." isn't the answer they're looking for. But I always feel like I'm lying when I just shrug and say, "yeah, sure."
When I actually told the truth to one of my friends when she asked me she said "Well, you don't want kids close together in age anyway. It's way too hard." Whew. Glad I dodged that bullet.
Has anyone experienced this or am I crazy?
TTC #3 since January, 2011
DH Trevor, married 08/2005
DS Aidan, 12/31/2006
DD Ainsley, 06/26/2010
No advice, but big hugs!
We did when we got preg last time and lost the baby. Then, when we lost the baby, we had people actually tell us, guess it was a good thing so that they wouldn't be so close. We decided after everything we went through getting Liam here, that we would just let God decide if and when we had another. Now, we didn't realize how much we wanted another child and want to be active in having another.
in regards to having 2 close together, IT'S GREAT! Hard for the first few months, but then they are best friends. Sending hugs to you.
Patients often ask me if I plan to have more kids (I'm a nurse at a hospital). My standard answer is usually, "Not sure, but I hope so."
If they pry/ask any more, I say something like, "It was a long journey to get this one, so who knows if more are in the cards?"
The worst was my own MIL, who knew about at least one of the m/c. DD1 would tell MIL about visiting her baby cousin, and MIL would say, "Don't YOU want a baby brother or sister of your own? Tell mommy and daddy to give you a baby brother or sister!" Real helpful, MIL.
It's hard. I never know how to answer, either. I usually just shrug and say, "Well, that's up to God." Or more recently I said with a shrug, "We'd like to have more children, but it just hasn't worked out that way."
Huge hugs to you.
Hey Elizabeth, ugh, those questions are not only annoying but are irritating and depressing as well.
You are right, though. People don't really want to hear the truth...I think they just want the standard "hopefully soon" answer. I say just tell them what they want to hear...it's none of their freaking business anyway...ya know? But, I do know what you mean about feeling guilty about now telling the truth...the guilt has nothing to do with me lying to the person at all, though. I think I feel guilty because I feel like I'm somehow dishonoring my miscarried babies. Like, I need to validate the fact that they existed….or maybe I’m just crazy.
DS - 1/31/13 - My IVF Miracle and the love of my life!!
MC 8/24/10 @ 12w
MC 1/31/11 @ 11w6d
MC 8/18/11 @ 8w1d - ID Twins!
Ugh. I hate that question. I hated that question BEFORE I had my m/cs because I always felt like my "family planning" was not a stranger or acquaintance's business anyway.
I always just smile vaguely and say "Maybe someday." I understand, Jina, what you mean about feeling like you are not acknowledging your lost babies - I feel the same way sometimes. But in the end, I figure it's not worth going in to - everyone that I wanted to tell about my m/cs already knows, and I don't like strangers all up in my business anyway.
-Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)
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I haven't had anyone ask since the recent m/c but I just tell the truth, that we would like one more. We haven't told anyone about the m/c yet, not even family, so I'm sure we'll also get the spacing comments as well, especially since my mother always thought that DS1&2 were too close together and that I should wait longer this time.
I always gave the vague "in the future" and when I was actually pregnant but not telling yet, "Hopefully within the next year." It also depends on who, where we are and if I feel like getting into it.
The worst timed comment was my SIL making a FB comment that our daughter was adorable and we'd better have more soon. Unfortunately she posted it while we were at our 12 week u/s and found out I'd had a m/c. Up until that point only our parents knew.