Question for the ladies - pg m/c ment

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Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937
Question for the ladies - pg m/c ment

Just wondering... if you've had any kind of early miscarriage in the past and had to tell everyone you lost the baby... the next time you'd get pregnant, would you tell people, wait a few weeks or what? I'm in a debate with my fiance.

ambie719's picture
Joined: 10/03/07
Posts: 811

I would wait, once you've been through something like that its just so hard to relax and feel comfortable telling people. We've always held off until seeing an u/s or hearing the hb on the doppler.

Our first pg m/c'd at 13 weeks, we'd already told everyone at that point so we also had to un-tell. Second time we waited until around 7 weeks to tell family (u/s w/hb), and I think it was around 12 weeks before we announced on FB, (hb on doppler). When we got pg with DS2, for some reason we told our family right away, like before the test was even dry lol, and again we waited until we got a doppler hb to announce on FB. Our last pg we m/c'd at 7 weeks, but I'd started spotting at 6 weeks, so we hadn't told anyone about it, and to this day with the exception of like 1 IRL friend no one knows about that pregnancy, not even our parents. Since the next baby will be our last I want to wait to tell our families as long as possible, probably into the second trimester, and I don't plan on making the FB announcement until around 20 weeks when we find out the gender.

rlcummings1223's picture
Joined: 09/19/11
Posts: 320

We kidst early at 4w4d and my family knew so we had to untell them and some friends. This time i'm waiting for the ultrasound next week to tell them, but dh's family knows. I think it's best to wait a little while...

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6568

It depends. I have had four miscarriages. The first one I did not know I was pg until I miscarried, so obviously no one else knew either. With the second one, we were so over the moon excited to be pg with our first child. I had already made four baby sweaters and had told everyone under the sun. Then I miscarried at 8 weeks. It was beyond devastating and made worse by people coming up to me in church saying I was starting to show (when it was just chub). It was a very hurting time. I then had Alyssa. When Alyssa was 3 months old I got pg. We did not tell anyone. Both because of past miscarriage, and because we knew people would not be kind about how close the babies would be together. I had a ultrasound at 7 weeks, saw the heart beat and everything was fine. Then when I went in for my second ultrasound at 11 weeks, the baby was dead in side of me. But because no one knew I was pg, no one understood what I was going through. There was no support. I had to tell my parents after the fact and see their grief in a loss of a grand child that they had not known about. In subsequent pregnancies, I told the people who I would want to be there for me in the event of a loss, close family and friends, soon after we found out. Then did not tell the rest of the world until about 13 weeks.

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

I feel the same way, I want to wait until the first ultrasound, but I need support in the event something goes wrong. If no one knows, then there isn't any support. My fiance tries, but...he's also trying to not get attached to this one...just in case, whereas I was attached as soon as I saw that second line. I don't want to tell the world, but I want to tell HIS mom. She was the most excited last time (besides me...haha). Thanks for your posts!

kat83's picture
Joined: 04/27/07
Posts: 631

We will wait until the end of the firs trimester-start of the second. Its hard to not tell everyone your news...but then again, its kinda nice to have a secret between the two of you...and Im also not getting excited about this one this time. until we know everything is ok..which is so hard...i wanna be excited but im way to terrified to...

Our families didnt give us any support, they were told and were just like IM sorry and thats was me and him and our son the whole way for support...

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

kat - That's what he wants to do. I just don't know if I can keep it a secret that long. I already "had" to tell a few people - like my boss because I do heavy lifting at times and whether or not it's true about heavy lifting - I'm not doing ANYTHING to jeopardize this one. I'm not getting excited about mine either which kind of sucks because this SHOULD be a happy time, for all of us!

Sorry about you not having any support. My family (except my mom) didn't know because even though I'll be 30 in a few months and am quite grown up...they would look down on me for not being married. My fiance did well the first day or two. After that I think he was over it and didn't want to hear about it anymore from me. My dog caught the brunt of my emotions I think.

nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069

We told everyone with my early loss, and when we got pg again two months later I wanted to wait until the first ultrasound but I had spotting issues for the first ten weeks so we were afraid to tell anyone until then. It was really hard on me not telling anyone, especially with all the problems and worry. I only had Chris and my online friends and it was really lonely. If I could do it all again I would probably tell at least one person so I didn't have to go through it alone.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

In general, before I'm showing, I only want to tell people who I want to tell that I had a m/c. I'm a very private person and I would rather tell people after the fact if I decide that I want to talk to them for support. Before 12 weeks, the only people we told were our parents and my manager.

indianajones's picture
Joined: 01/21/07
Posts: 1486

"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

In subsequent pregnancies, I told the people who I would want to be there for me in the event of a loss, close family and friends, soon after we found out. Then did not tell the rest of the world until about 13 weeks.

This is pretty similar to us.

Pg #1- Told close friends/family right away (4-5w). Went public after the first appointment (8w), even though we hadn't even heard a hb yet. Ended up with DD1. No issues.

Pg #2- Told close friends/family right away. Went public (FB official and everything) pretty early (5w). M/C at 8w.

Pg #3- Didn't tell anyone. Planned to tell later.. maybe end of first tri? M/C at 5w. Sucked having no support. Had to tell my mom (big support for the last one) about the pgcy and m/c at the same time.

Pg #4- Kept it to ourselves for the first week, until we saw beta number rising appropriately. Then told close friends/family (5-6w). Told work/went public at 13w.

Next time? I'll probably tell at least one person right away, so I have someone besides DH to obsess over symptoms/lack thereof with. Will wait to go public again till 2nd trimester.