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shadow_grey's picture
Joined: 05/03/12
Posts: 581

I haven't been here in a long, long time and it looks like no one else has been either. It is so quiet!

As some of you might remember, we gave up ttc#3 earlier this year. I'd had multiple m/c and surgeries and had reached the biggest age gap we were comfortable with. We had started discussing permanent forms of birth control but hadn't actually done anything. In all honesty, after the last round of surgeries I had been pretty well convinced I would / could never conceive again so it didn't feel like some we needed to get right on to.

Funny how things work. I've had sore bbs for nearly a week, the taste of water makes me think of wet dog and I'm constantly exhausted. I took a test Tuesday in the afternoon, fully expecting a snow-white BFN but not able to shake the urge to test. Complete shock when it came back a faint positive. I've tested again yesterday and today, each positive but only a tiny bit darker.

I should be happy, excited or whatever but instead I just feel numb. I am so convinced I'll just m/c again that I can't feel anything for it at this point. Has anyone else ever been like this? I feel like a horrible person but at the same time, I don't want that she'll to break as I think it's all that is protecting me from a total meltdown if I m/c again.

Audgee's picture
Joined: 08/24/05
Posts: 305

Don't feel horrible at all!! Based on your history, you have every right to feel the way you do!!

I am currently 15 weeks (9th pregnancy, 3 c-sections, 2 living children, 5 m/cs) - and I still haven't even told most of my friends!
I have a friend who just found out a week ago that she is pregnant with her first and has probably rold more people then I have - and I keep having to remind myself that not everyone has that instilled fear of everything going wrong and I have to let her enjoy it because she has no reason to think that things will go wrong.

My first pregnancy was my oldest DS, and I was carefree and excited about it all, then after the 1st m/c it all changed.

I wish you nothing but darker lines and reassurances that everything will be fine!!

ChristaM's picture
Joined: 01/11/04
Posts: 713

Hugs!! I totally get the sentiments you are expressing. That is exactly how I felt after my first miscarriage

shadow_grey's picture
Joined: 05/03/12
Posts: 581

Thanks ladies. I still feel completely apart from it. I just don't want to feel the pain again

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

Totally understandable. I took way more tests with DD2 than I did anytime in my life combined. I had sporatic heavy bleeding/constant light bleeding through my first trimester and I had several U/S so I should have been more confident the baby was fine. It felt very fragile until I passed the 12 U/S where I'd found out I'd had my loss previously. I had lots of trouble telling friends and most didn't know until after 20 weeks, depending on when I saw them. Although I'd told my manager right away, I didn't tell my coworkers until I was 15+ weeks and I show really early. One girl told me that they'd known for a month but figured I would tell them when I was ready.

When I first became pregnant, I thought I was not becoming attached to protect myself from feeling hurt again. However, I was devastated when the bleeding started at 6 weeks so I don't know how protected or unattached I really was.

shadow_grey's picture
Joined: 05/03/12
Posts: 581

Danifo, you have a point with the being more attached than you tell yourself you are. I've also been POAS nearly every day. I need to stop! I did stop temping as I had a massive drop last friday almost back to coverline. It went back up the next day, but it freaked me out so much I put the thermometer away.

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