Amy's Journal- This month will be it!

So I figured I would start one of these journals, if nothing else but to keep me from going insane. My name is Amy and I live is Sunny So Cali.

When my DH and I finally got married (after 9 years together) in September 2005, we decided to have a baby. Took a few months here and there to really discuss it and then we said okay, let go for it. We got no where, we are still no where.

Went to doctor for a check up two weeks before I turned 35. She told me that they would refer me out when I had been trying for a year before 35, but once I turned 35, to come see her after I had been trying for 6 months. I was two weeks from 35 and had been trying for 7 months. I had to wait, because I wasn't 35 yet. Like something happened the day I turned 35, suddenly became old where before I was young? IDK stupid

They did an HSG test and told me I had a tilted uterous and a mild fibroid, nothing that would stop me from being pregnant. Then tried Clomid, cool part of that is usually my cycles are 24 days, on Clomid they became 26 or 27, I really thought I was preg after the first cycle cause I was at 28 days before AF came. Then I realized it was the hormones. This is my first month off and I am right back to 24 days.

Have tried and tried, I am heartbroken every month.

Yesturday the doctor called and told me I was hyper thyroid, whatever that is, and needed to see some specialist. Told me that could be why no baby. Course then they called for the appointment with the specialist and the first avalible appointment is the end of May.

To add insult to injury. I have one daughter who is adopted, I adopted her when she was 9 yo. She is now 19. She worked hard through hs and was doing good, she is VERY immature for her age and out of touch with reality but so are a lot of kids. A few years away at college was going to work wonders. So she goes to college a few hours away and misses home terribly, she is at a Christian college (her choice not mine) and rebels with some rules, dress code dumb stuff. She gets back together with her old bf who is an asshole and treats her like dirt. Their relationship was so intense the first time that she didn't have the maturity to deal with it. She still doesn't. So she came home at Christmas, mom, I am pregnant. I know she tried and I know she wanted this so she could drop out of school and come home to him. So here is a kid who has no right to get pregnant, bf is 17, they ahve no skills, no job, no nothing. No ability to give this child a home and my DD does not have the ability to raise a baby. So why does seh get one and I don't. Why is that fair. I love my dd but she won't even live with us anymore. (She is actually living with my DH's ex wife-- they had two girls too (now 22 & 24) so she is at their condo.

So yeah, feeling sorry for myself.

So this month is going to be it, I have decided LOL

About the time I will be Oing, we will be on vacation in NV for the presidents day weekend. We will have fun, relaxing etc. I have pre-seed to try, robatussin to take, and etc. This month I will test and have a positive!

Otherwise, I will cry in misery LOL.

So, I am pretty excited for right now. I figure that I should be Oing around this weekend, presidents day. On Friday, I have to travel to Los Angeles for a court apperance (I am a lawyer) and my DH is going with me. Then we are going to LV for teh holiday weekend, three plus days away, alone and lots of time for BDing! Maybe this one will be it? Please.. . lol :D :D

Course today is going to suck, it my DH's ex wife's bday. My DD is staying with her during the pregnancy to "get a break from me" read she can't face me. So tonight, I get to be super nice to ex wife, one s-daughter who is really cool, one who is not, and my DD. :twisted: :evil:

Not fun!

Ya know, I usually don't wind up feeling so sorry for myself, I think TTC is really getting to me. When we first started trying, thought it would be quick, just a month or two, shows what I know, how come I spent all that time and money trying NOT to get pregnant! LOL

So yesturday, I went home to grab lunch, I only live about 5 miles from my office, and DH was there. Apparently he had a sinus infection that went outta wack and half his face was swollen. Poor baby spent the afternoon in the emergency room to be told that the infection MAY have to be drained, he had to take antibiotics and take it easy. So I feel really bad for him, but this is also the beginning of our time to BD! Yet the poor baby doesn't feel up to it. YIKES.

So I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for me. Last cycle we didn't really try to much since during taht time my little sister was visiting so not a lot of time to ourselves. Now, I gotta get him feeling better pronto. Sigh,

DH and I had a wonderful Valentines and some good BDing! It is getting to be that time where I am starting to be fertile. God that sounds like farm land, is the land fertile enough? LOL We went out to dinner at the 94th Aero Squadron which is where we were married a year and a half ago. Had a wonderful time, great steak, great wine and great company. I needed that.

Today my DD goes in for her ultrasound so I guess by teh end of the day I will know if I will be a grandmom to a boy or girl. Least I will if she tells me. I am trying hard to maintain that relationship with her but she knows how terribly dissapointed in her that I am. But then what can I do? She has to make her choices and I have to make mine. I wait for the day that it will be my baby that I am waiting for. Still sad though.

Tonight we are driving to Los Angeles cause I have a short court appearance in the morning. We are going to stay in LA tonight I will make my court appareance and then we are driving to Nevada for a weekend away from everything. I am really looking forward to it, I need some down time and it is perfect timing. DH and I can have time to ourselves and fun time to play.

Our weekend in Laughlin NV was absolutely wonderful. DH and I sometimes talk when we have our down time that gee this might be the last for awhile if I get PG. This time we didn't go there.

We didn't do much, had some wonderful dinners, went to Oatman AZ to feed and pet the wild burros, really enjoyed ourselves and each other. Oh yeah, and we did a lot of BDing LOL

The touching part was we talked about a baby. Since DH already has two adult kids and my DD just moved out, sometimes I worry he just says he wants a baby because he knows how much I want one. I asked him to tell me the truth if he wanted a baby, he said very strongly yes, that would be great and yes I want that. It was sweet since I know he really does want one now.

Oh, about my DD. She went and did HER ultrasound Thursday and her baby is healthy and a girl. I will have a granddaughter. I guess I was upset with her because her BF has decided -- for both of them-- that they wouldn't know the sex until the baby was born. When he left the room, she asked and was told a girl, she told me but then begged me not to tell so he wouldn't know she knew. She was scared of him which upsets me. I can't believe she is like that but oh well, she is 19 almost 20 and this is her life.

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with the OB/GYN at 2:00. I have to be in Los Angeles for court in the morning so will have to take the 11 am train back to San Diego after court to barely make it in time. My primary told me I may have one more visit with him and then be referred to the Sharp Fertility Clinic here in San Diego. I am trying to get DH to go with me but sometimes that is like pulling teeth, he gets so embarrased. LOL :?

Oh well, my boss just came in so I have to get back to work.

Update! Today I went to the OB/GYN again. My primary had told me that I would probably have one more visit with him and then go to the Fertility clinic but he said not yet. Assuming that I am not pregnant this cycle, which I would not know for another week plus, he wants to try insemination. Essentially, I go back on Clomid for a few months, and monitor ovulation. When it shows that I have ovulated, DH has to go play with this cup and I have to come in within a few hours. The clean up the sperm and put it where it is supposed to go. Why does this NOT sound fun.

However, under California law, DH has to have all these blood tests first, AID, Hepatitis etc. there was a list of about six blood tests. They said they could do teh Sperm analysis when they try the first insemination.

Now here is the problem, I KNOW DH is not going to be in favor. "Okay sweetie but lets try a little longer on our own, it will happen, these things take time." blah blah blah

He told me this weekend he wasn't worried it has taken so long cause that is just how it is. I don't know for sure if I can get him to go down this road just yet. But we want two kids adn I am 35 and he is 46, we can't wait too much longer!!!

On the good side, Doc said he didn't think the hyperthyroid was a major deal, my hormones are slightly off saying my eggs are acting older than they are , the tilted uterous and fibroid that the HSG test found was no big deal. The only thing he wonders is if the luten cycle (sp?) is to short since my cycles are 24 days. Course the Clomid changed those to 28 for the very short period I was on that.

So back to trying to get DH to participate. I was mad at him today. I told him about the appointment and he said he was coming. At the last minute opps can't come. He did this last time and I KNOW he did it on purpose. He seems embarrassed by all this, he goes to lots of other doctors with me but NOT the OB/GYN.[/color]

So I talked to DH last night about all the stuff the doctor said. He didn't say he wouldn't do it, just that it sounded weird. Course he didn't say he WOULD do it either. But on a positive note he did mention he needed to hurry up and change his doctor. When his insurance changed, he never got around to picking a doctor so they assigned him one. He needs to get back on an change it to his doctor but he hasn't gottne around to that- - - for months LOL. SO I told him he had to do it today so it would go into effect next month.

In the interim, assuming I am not PG this month (which I am in the 2WW and AF won't show up unitl March 4 but while I hope and hope and pray I will plan for the next month just cause htere have been too many months) I ordered the Clear Blue Easy Ovo electric test and that should come in in time, and will try the clomid for that one cycle without the doctors help. THat gives DH time to get what he needs done done.

On another note, my DD sent me a message that she went to the doctor again yesturday and was 18 wks and 3 days The due date of my granddaughter is July 23, 07. She is having issues cause her temp Medi-Cal (medicaid) is running out and she has not gotten around to turning in the final papers. Since she is not in school, we can't cover her on insurance any more so there was nothing I could do to help except encourage her to finish the papers.

test

Okay it is official, the 2ww sucks! LOL I am one week into and going nuts. There is part of me that thinks this has to be it. Every twinge, every cramp must be somting right? Couse that is nothing new for me. Then there is another part of me wishing AF would hurry up and get here. If I am not PG, just want to start on another cycle and try again.

My DH and I are working on cleaning our house, and believe me it needs it. He has "rebuilt" our closet adding some more room to hang stuff cause he says there isn't enough room. Its not my fault I have to have almost 4 seperate wardrobes, one set of suits for court, one for the office, one for casual and one for dressier casual. LOL

We are going through the rest of the house and trying to thin out and clean out stuff. We keep talkign that we need to start now cause when a baby comes, this place needs to be ship shape. That could take awhile. LOL.

Okay back to my cleaning, reading posts nad typing is definately more fun. But I need to do laundry and vacuum -- no fun.

Amy

Three days left

So I was looking at a list of people on another board and was shocked to see that I was at CD 21! Given that my cycles are USUALLY 24 days, I will know at least if I am late by this weekend. Wow that seems soon. Most of me is bound and determined that this month will be mine and I will be welcoming a November baby (cool since my DH is a November baby) but also looking forward to the next cycle so that I can "get started again" since I have gone through this so many times now that I have a hard time being optomistic. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be it.

Was laying in bed last night thinking of all this and the difficult time it has been. I will be so thankful just to have one healthy baby but we want two, I really would like to not have an only child as I see with my other step daughters how important siblings are. So I was trying to figure out if we get number one, are we still going to have so many issues with number two? And then will we have to start trying almost Immediatley?
So that is my rant for the day. I only hope I have to get to that point adn worry about that, cause then I will at least have number one.