Amy's Journal- This month will be it!

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Amy's Journal- This month will be it!

So I figured I would start one of these journals, if nothing else but to keep me from going insane. My name is Amy and I live is Sunny So Cali.

When my DH and I finally got married (after 9 years together) in September 2005, we decided to have a baby. Took a few months here and there to really discuss it and then we said okay, let go for it. We got no where, we are still no where.

Went to doctor for a check up two weeks before I turned 35. She told me that they would refer me out when I had been trying for a year before 35, but once I turned 35, to come see her after I had been trying for 6 months. I was two weeks from 35 and had been trying for 7 months. I had to wait, because I wasn't 35 yet. Like something happened the day I turned 35, suddenly became old where before I was young? IDK stupid

They did an HSG test and told me I had a tilted uterous and a mild fibroid, nothing that would stop me from being pregnant. Then tried Clomid, cool part of that is usually my cycles are 24 days, on Clomid they became 26 or 27, I really thought I was preg after the first cycle cause I was at 28 days before AF came. Then I realized it was the hormones. This is my first month off and I am right back to 24 days.

Have tried and tried, I am heartbroken every month.

Yesturday the doctor called and told me I was hyper thyroid, whatever that is, and needed to see some specialist. Told me that could be why no baby. Course then they called for the appointment with the specialist and the first avalible appointment is the end of May.

To add insult to injury. I have one daughter who is adopted, I adopted her when she was 9 yo. She is now 19. She worked hard through hs and was doing good, she is VERY immature for her age and out of touch with reality but so are a lot of kids. A few years away at college was going to work wonders. So she goes to college a few hours away and misses home terribly, she is at a Christian college (her choice not mine) and rebels with some rules, dress code dumb stuff. She gets back together with her old bf who is an asshole and treats her like dirt. Their relationship was so intense the first time that she didn't have the maturity to deal with it. She still doesn't. So she came home at Christmas, mom, I am pregnant. I know she tried and I know she wanted this so she could drop out of school and come home to him. So here is a kid who has no right to get pregnant, bf is 17, they ahve no skills, no job, no nothing. No ability to give this child a home and my DD does not have the ability to raise a baby. So why does seh get one and I don't. Why is that fair. I love my dd but she won't even live with us anymore. (She is actually living with my DH's ex wife-- they had two girls too (now 22 & 24) so she is at their condo.

So yeah, feeling sorry for myself.

So this month is going to be it, I have decided LOL

About the time I will be Oing, we will be on vacation in NV for the presidents day weekend. We will have fun, relaxing etc. I have pre-seed to try, robatussin to take, and etc. This month I will test and have a positive!

Otherwise, I will cry in misery LOL.

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This month

So, I am pretty excited for right now. I figure that I should be Oing around this weekend, presidents day. On Friday, I have to travel to Los Angeles for a court apperance (I am a lawyer) and my DH is going with me. Then we are going to LV for teh holiday weekend, three plus days away, alone and lots of time for BDing! Maybe this one will be it? Please.. . lol Biggrin :D

Course today is going to suck, it my DH's ex wife's bday. My DD is staying with her during the pregnancy to "get a break from me" read she can't face me. So tonight, I get to be super nice to ex wife, one s-daughter who is really cool, one who is not, and my DD. :twisted: :evil:

Not fun!

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Ya know, I usually don't wind up feeling so sorry for myself, I think TTC is really getting to me. When we first started trying, thought it would be quick, just a month or two, shows what I know, how come I spent all that time and money trying NOT to get pregnant! LOL

So yesturday, I went home to grab lunch, I only live about 5 miles from my office, and DH was there. Apparently he had a sinus infection that went outta wack and half his face was swollen. Poor baby spent the afternoon in the emergency room to be told that the infection MAY have to be drained, he had to take antibiotics and take it easy. So I feel really bad for him, but this is also the beginning of our time to BD! Yet the poor baby doesn't feel up to it. YIKES.

So I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for me. Last cycle we didn't really try to much since during taht time my little sister was visiting so not a lot of time to ourselves. Now, I gotta get him feeling better pronto. Sigh,

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DH and I had a wonderful Valentines and some good BDing! It is getting to be that time where I am starting to be fertile. God that sounds like farm land, is the land fertile enough? LOL We went out to dinner at the 94th Aero Squadron which is where we were married a year and a half ago. Had a wonderful time, great steak, great wine and great company. I needed that.

Today my DD goes in for her ultrasound so I guess by teh end of the day I will know if I will be a grandmom to a boy or girl. Least I will if she tells me. I am trying hard to maintain that relationship with her but she knows how terribly dissapointed in her that I am. But then what can I do? She has to make her choices and I have to make mine. I wait for the day that it will be my baby that I am waiting for. Still sad though.

Tonight we are driving to Los Angeles cause I have a short court appearance in the morning. We are going to stay in LA tonight I will make my court appareance and then we are driving to Nevada for a weekend away from everything. I am really looking forward to it, I need some down time and it is perfect timing. DH and I can have time to ourselves and fun time to play.

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Wonderful weekend

Our weekend in Laughlin NV was absolutely wonderful. DH and I sometimes talk when we have our down time that gee this might be the last for awhile if I get PG. This time we didn't go there.

We didn't do much, had some wonderful dinners, went to Oatman AZ to feed and pet the wild burros, really enjoyed ourselves and each other. Oh yeah, and we did a lot of BDing LOL

The touching part was we talked about a baby. Since DH already has two adult kids and my DD just moved out, sometimes I worry he just says he wants a baby because he knows how much I want one. I asked him to tell me the truth if he wanted a baby, he said very strongly yes, that would be great and yes I want that. It was sweet since I know he really does want one now.

Oh, about my DD. She went and did HER ultrasound Thursday and her baby is healthy and a girl. I will have a granddaughter. I guess I was upset with her because her BF has decided -- for both of them-- that they wouldn't know the sex until the baby was born. When he left the room, she asked and was told a girl, she told me but then begged me not to tell so he wouldn't know she knew. She was scared of him which upsets me. I can't believe she is like that but oh well, she is 19 almost 20 and this is her life.

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with the OB/GYN at 2:00. I have to be in Los Angeles for court in the morning so will have to take the 11 am train back to San Diego after court to barely make it in time. My primary told me I may have one more visit with him and then be referred to the Sharp Fertility Clinic here in San Diego. I am trying to get DH to go with me but sometimes that is like pulling teeth, he gets so embarrased. LOL :?

Oh well, my boss just came in so I have to get back to work.

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Update! Today I went to the OB/GYN again. My primary had told me that I would probably have one more visit with him and then go to the Fertility clinic but he said not yet. Assuming that I am not pregnant this cycle, which I would not know for another week plus, he wants to try insemination. Essentially, I go back on Clomid for a few months, and monitor ovulation. When it shows that I have ovulated, DH has to go play with this cup and I have to come in within a few hours. The clean up the sperm and put it where it is supposed to go. Why does this NOT sound fun.

However, under California law, DH has to have all these blood tests first, AID, Hepatitis etc. there was a list of about six blood tests. They said they could do teh Sperm analysis when they try the first insemination.

Now here is the problem, I KNOW DH is not going to be in favor. "Okay sweetie but lets try a little longer on our own, it will happen, these things take time." blah blah blah

He told me this weekend he wasn't worried it has taken so long cause that is just how it is. I don't know for sure if I can get him to go down this road just yet. But we want two kids adn I am 35 and he is 46, we can't wait too much longer!!!

On the good side, Doc said he didn't think the hyperthyroid was a major deal, my hormones are slightly off saying my eggs are acting older than they are , the tilted uterous and fibroid that the HSG test found was no big deal. The only thing he wonders is if the luten cycle (sp?) is to short since my cycles are 24 days. Course the Clomid changed those to 28 for the very short period I was on that.

So back to trying to get DH to participate. I was mad at him today. I told him about the appointment and he said he was coming. At the last minute opps can't come. He did this last time and I KNOW he did it on purpose. He seems embarrassed by all this, he goes to lots of other doctors with me but NOT the OB/GYN.[/color]

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So I talked to DH last night about all the stuff the doctor said. He didn't say he wouldn't do it, just that it sounded weird. Course he didn't say he WOULD do it either. But on a positive note he did mention he needed to hurry up and change his doctor. When his insurance changed, he never got around to picking a doctor so they assigned him one. He needs to get back on an change it to his doctor but he hasn't gottne around to that- - - for months LOL. SO I told him he had to do it today so it would go into effect next month.

In the interim, assuming I am not PG this month (which I am in the 2WW and AF won't show up unitl March 4 but while I hope and hope and pray I will plan for the next month just cause htere have been too many months) I ordered the Clear Blue Easy Ovo electric test and that should come in in time, and will try the clomid for that one cycle without the doctors help. THat gives DH time to get what he needs done done.

On another note, my DD sent me a message that she went to the doctor again yesturday and was 18 wks and 3 days The due date of my granddaughter is July 23, 07. She is having issues cause her temp Medi-Cal (medicaid) is running out and she has not gotten around to turning in the final papers. Since she is not in school, we can't cover her on insurance any more so there was nothing I could do to help except encourage her to finish the papers.

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test

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Okay it is official, the 2ww sucks! LOL I am one week into and going nuts. There is part of me that thinks this has to be it. Every twinge, every cramp must be somting right? Couse that is nothing new for me. Then there is another part of me wishing AF would hurry up and get here. If I am not PG, just want to start on another cycle and try again.

My DH and I are working on cleaning our house, and believe me it needs it. He has "rebuilt" our closet adding some more room to hang stuff cause he says there isn't enough room. Its not my fault I have to have almost 4 seperate wardrobes, one set of suits for court, one for the office, one for casual and one for dressier casual. LOL

We are going through the rest of the house and trying to thin out and clean out stuff. We keep talkign that we need to start now cause when a baby comes, this place needs to be ship shape. That could take awhile. LOL.

Okay back to my cleaning, reading posts nad typing is definately more fun. But I need to do laundry and vacuum -- no fun.

Amy

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Three days left

So I was looking at a list of people on another board and was shocked to see that I was at CD 21! Given that my cycles are USUALLY 24 days, I will know at least if I am late by this weekend. Wow that seems soon. Most of me is bound and determined that this month will be mine and I will be welcoming a November baby (cool since my DH is a November baby) but also looking forward to the next cycle so that I can "get started again" since I have gone through this so many times now that I have a hard time being optomistic. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be it.

Was laying in bed last night thinking of all this and the difficult time it has been. I will be so thankful just to have one healthy baby but we want two, I really would like to not have an only child as I see with my other step daughters how important siblings are. So I was trying to figure out if we get number one, are we still going to have so many issues with number two? And then will we have to start trying almost Immediatley?
So that is my rant for the day. I only hope I have to get to that point adn worry about that, cause then I will at least have number one.

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I want to test I want to test I want to test LOL

Okay, so it is probably too early, i am 9 dpo (ish) but I want to test. I had to stop myself from running out at lunch to get tests so I can take a test, have it say negative and waste money.

Sigh

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Off-Topic Sad and Disgusted.

Right now, I am trying so hard and going through so much to have a baby; and my little girl is throwing away her life and risking the life of her baby-2-be.

Tiff has been staying at my DHs ex-wifes home the past two months since she and I are not getting along well -- gee could have somethign to do with the drop out of college and get preg with an idoiot for a bf -- anyway, Liz calls me and tells me she is done. When she went there, Tiff was supposed to go to community college in the morning, get a job and work afternoon and evening. What she has done is lay in bed 20 hours a day in PJs, whine and cry and wait for the pity party to come to her. Its not emotions or hormones, it is looking for attention. Then the doc said she was gaining weight too fast (she started at like 105 before) so she stopped eating (hey theres a great decision). Then her temp medicaid expired and she is too lazy to call and find out what is up with her new medicaid.

I sent her a long email saying get your act together, you are lazy, whiny and hurting everyone who loves you. Funny thing is her step sister had sent her one too right before that -- definately not as nice as mine.

She called me crying and we had a long talk. She admitted that originally she thought the baby was so great and her life would be great but now she is starting to see that it is ruining her life. She said she would consider adoption when the baby is born in July. Of course her idiot bf told her he would not consider that but then he is 17, a child in many ways, he is not going to want to take this child either.

Yesturday was a long and emotional day but ultimately I think we got through to her at least for now. DH and I are going to start giving his ex money each week to help with food and costs. That kinda eats at me cause when my step daughters were in HS and living 100% with us, one of them even in private school on my dime, we never got a dime of child support. But DH has convinced me, and he is right, that this is the right thing to do.

But then we went out after work and had a bloody mary and a few beers to try to relax and talk, which normally shouldn't be an issue but here in the 2ww, I kicked myself when I got up today.

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So back to the TTC stuff LOL. By my count I am not about 11 dpo. This is day 23 of my cycle. Since I am not taknig Clomid or anything, I should start by tomorrow, Sat at the latest.

So part of me says run get a test and try it, part of me says save the $10 and wait to see if AF comes tomorrow, part says who cares, wait out the weekend and just see what happens. I am bouncing off the walls :blob5:

Haven't talked to DH about all this, he is sooooo laid back, lets just see how it goes kinda attitude that drives me nuts sometimes. I am the hyper one, he is mellow.

He doesn't get how much I want this baby, or maybe he does I don't know. Part of me thinks I must be a horrible mom to my DD for her to have so many issues but I remember that she had such a horrific 8 years before I got her and her emotional stability has a lot to do with that. My step DD drove me nuts when they were in HS, we had FOUR teen girls ages 12-17 living with us at one time. (Good thing DH is so mellow LOL) They all have their issues and baggage. I want one that is mine, looks like me, loves me, that I can actually raise on my own instead of looking at DD and saying if I had had her younger here is what I would have done differently.

So test, don't test? I almost stopped at lunch at RiteAid to get a test at lunch but didn't. I have to stop there anyway to pick up the script for Clomid taht I was to try next month. Wonder what they would think if I am buying a preg test at the same time as fertility drugs. LOL

The worst part of the 2ww is the symptoms I always have. This time I am horribly gassy which is NOT normal. Twinges and cramps. Was trying to figure out anatomy 101 in bed last night to determine if hte cramps were related to my uterous only to realize that it isn't that high up LOL probably a stomach ache from dinner or my bloody mary last night.

Oh well, back to work. I don't know if any one actually reads my ranting but if so, have a GREAT day.

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Oh yeah, I just remembered that I needed to get tampons just in case AF does come, I am out. Now that will complete my shopping list at RiteAid : Clomid, Pregnancy Test, tampons. tee hee. That will make them think!

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Sad

Not sure just yet but it looks like this month WONT be it. Sob. :cry: When I went to bed last night, I knew. I haven't started yet but am cramping and icky just like I normally am. Here it is cd 24 so right on time.

Its sad, you get so excited, you get so sure, but each month same old same old. I don't believe as much in fate or luck but this month seemed great, how cool would it be to conceive our baby while on vacation in our favorite vacation spot, have a November baby near DH's b-day, etc.

Maybe AF isn't coming, yeah right, who am I kidding.

Hey look on the bright side, its Friday! I am meeting with a client at their house at 2 pm and then, if luck holds, can just go home after that and spend the weekend wallowing in my own self pity LOL, actually DH has planned a 15 mile bike ride and some other stuff, and I really need to get some work done around the house, it is a DISASTER.

I am sad, I really prayed that this month would be it.

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Feeling sorry for myself

Okay, I know I am whining. But COME ON. I really did just start, AF is here to stay. So I stopped by the pharmacy to get the Clomid I was prescribed, got the tampons I needed, cried on DH's shoulder, listened to him say poor baby like he always does, and had a big glass of wine, or two, or three, LOL, well not yet but I certainly want to/

I did tell my DH that he needed to get his pride in check and get his SA done. I told him I needed to know. I need to know if it is him or me. I need to know if I am torturing myself for nothing, if it is him. This means a lot to me so he needs to get off his macho horse and go deal with it. He told me it was embarrassing. My response? Next month I have to take a sample of his sperm in, get naked and in stirrups so they can do whatever it is that they do. That is after the HSG and all the pap smears. him going into a room on his own and doing whatever, CANNOT be as embarrassing or humiliating as what we go through.

So I again feel less a woman cause I cannot bear a child. Somedays I hate myself and I hate life. And yes I know I am feeling sorry for myself and whining damn it. I just don't care right now. Sad :cry:

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Am I allowed to cry?

So I was screwing with my sig to get rid of hte baby ticker I knew wouldn't be real but just in case it was cute, and now the whole thing is screwed up and the pic of my and DH is gone and I can't fix it.

I am tired and frustrated. I am going to bed now and cry myself to sleep.

I fixed it I fixed it Yeah! I gotta stop doing stuff when I am frustrated, just makes it worse. LOL

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Get over it Amy

Okay, I am feeling better now, little less sorry for myself. DH and I had a wonderful weekend together. On Saturday he dragged my lazy butt on a 15 mile bike ride by PROMISING me there were no hills, exect for some really big ones he forgot to mention LOL. We stopped at a bunch of little bars and even a winery throughout hte day so it was great. Had dinner adn even some dancing Sat night. Was just a wonderful day.

Then Sunday I slept until noon and woke to my eldest step daughter- Adrienne (24) banging all over the house. She has decided that my dd room will beceom teh "sister" room and she is going to decorate it for all three girls to share when they are home. She wanted to get all their stuff out of the garage (Hallelujah) Did mention to her that after all that hard work that room will become the baby's room if we have one and her response was well when will that happen. Grrr. LOL

Then dh and I went out to lunch, home depot, all around and having fun. Came home to his ex sitting upstairs in the room talking to DD. Gesh, I hate when she comes over, especially when the house it a wreck.

That is my other issue, my house is a complete wreck. I am lazy, haven't felt like cleaning, no one is there but us so who cares, (except when Liz comes over and the I know she is saying somethign cause she is neat nick from hell) Oh well, DH says who cares what she thinks right?

But it was a great weekend for the most part. Today I start Clomid again and I have one of those cool fertility monitors. Maybe this month will be it after all.

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So the good news is I am decidly less whiny. Bad news is I still can't spell LOL. Oh well.

Talked to DH last weekend about TTC and I told him that I was soooo sure last month would be it, I had decided. He laughed at me of course and said I don't think you can just pick those things. Oh yeah!! That is what HE thinks. LOL SO THIS month will be it.

Started Clomid two days ago and immeidately forgot to take the pill last night, took it today but I am horrible about remembering medicine. I gotta get better at that.

Actually, this month would need to be it cause I don't think I will be avalible for BDing next month. I think one of the reasons that I have been so negative is I am soooo very stressed right now. I have this HUGE copyright case going to trial in Federal Court in the middle of April. I am the youngest of four attorneys on this, the one with the least experiance, and most of the work is on my desk. My boss has gotten really hyper, where are we with this, where are we with that, why aren't you here every weekend (and he is NOT btw) Have been really frustrated and exhausted but last night at a trial meeting, the other two lawyers who have done millions of trials said we were doing a great job and we are in great shape for teh trial. So I feel better now.

But in April, if this goes, I will be working 20 hour days 7 days a week for three or more weeks. Sigh. We are going up against two of the best firms in the world on thsi case so it will be a great learning experiance just an exhausting one.

But I won't have time for DH or BDing so if it doesn't happen this month, probably won't until May. Kinda sucks how life interferes with the best layed plans of mice and men.

Speaking of plans, I better get back to all that work on my desk. Otherwise my boss WILL have a reason to freak. HA

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I really hate fish.

Let me explain. One of the more interesting and useful parts of having four teen girls in the house at one time was the long long long list DH and I now have for when we have our own. About 5-6 years ago, we had DH's two teen daughters, my daughter and my little foster sister all living with us. The girls were 12, 15, 16, and 17.

Each kid we took with a lot of baggage. My DD (the baby) was adopted from foster care at 9, when DH and his ex split up, she grabbed the kids and went four states away-- probably to get some distance and separate the girls from their dad who was the disney land dad from hades. My foster sister was raised in the deep south and moved with us to be the first in her family to graduate high school. So with these kids there was a lot of others' influence and little of our own. Especially when it came to food.

This became a huge issue at dinner time. Back then, I was stuck with these ideas of what a mommy should be and what my jobs were. So I spent a lot of time cooking and pretending to clean.

I would cook dinners, or try too. Jenna, my sister, was the oldest. she loved meat but wouldn't eat any meat that had bones and steaks had to be well done hockey pucks. Adrienne had decided the year before she moved in with us that she was vegetarian-- except she hated veggies and salad was "boring" so she only willingly ate pasta and bread. Ashley only willingly ate McDonalds cheeseburgers. Hated "slabs of meat" loved green beans hated peas. Tiffany (who I used to think was picky) loved meat, medium rare of course, hated green beans or any green veggie EXCEPT peas. In sum, there was NOTHING you could make that each kid ate. but none of them ate fish.

I pretty soon gave up, they were all teens, there’s the kitchen go make your own D*&^ food.

So, DH and I talk about fish. It is healthy, low calorie, good for you. I have been taking fish oil under chiropractors suggestions after a car accident two years ago left my back jacked up. Maybe we should try to eat fish, recommended to eat once a week.

And after all when we have kids, we do NOT want them picky we do want them to eat fish.

On a search for fish that doesn’t actually taste like fish.

So this week, we bought some flounder filets.

He marinated them in some garlic and herb marinade and cooked in a fry pan. That was dinner last night.

I really hate fish. Sigh.

Maybe that will come off my list for my children. After all, those little bones in the fish I kept eating last nigh really would pose a choaking hazzard right? :roll:

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Its Friday Its Friday YEAH its Friday!
Biggrin

There is nothing better then Friday -- except Saturday of course. Good news is that I think I have caught up with enough of the trial prepration I don't have to work ALL weekend -- maybe one day but not two. That means I get time with DH. YEAH.

I am here at CD 7 now, after 4 days of Clomid. We were supposed to do the IUI this month but I don't think that is going to happen. DH was supposed to get into HIS doc for the blood tests before my doc can do anything and DH has NOT yet done that, or called for an appointment, or even picked his doctor through insurance. Sigh.

But the Clomid could be good too. The first three months I was on it really had no side effects except my cycle was longer. Now, I do seem to have some side effects. Typcially, my AF lasts about 3-4 days. Even today, 7 days later, I am spotting a little and DEFINATELY cramping, almost like AF is here! Sucks.

O days should be coming up soon, mid of next week, so this weekend we get some fun!

I got a clear blue easy battery tester and have been turning it on every am (except I forgot this morning due to a 6:30 am meeting Grrr) but I never got the strips for it. I need to stop tonight cause I bet it will start asking for them soon.

So thats my day. Except for the cramping, feeling pretty good.

Oh yeah, have been trying to join Curves for Women this week. They avhe somethign that through tomorrow if you bring a bag of food, membership fee is waived. I was too lazy most nights this week, last night I did get dressed and go but they closed early. :x I am going to try tonight or tomorrow night!

I am not overweight but I have gained about 25 lbs in the last two years after injuring my back in a car accident and then quittting smoking. I would like to get back in shape to where I was before. Just gotta get off my lazy butt and get to work. LOL Wish me luck to actually get there tonigh. :roll:

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Monday mornings. I hate Mondays. Especailly when I know I have so much to do- which of course is why I am typing here instead of GETTING the stuff done. LOL

My TTC quandry of the day -- time change.

So I finally bought one of those ClearBlue fertility monitors and the strips -- nice but expensive. When you first start each cycle, you turn it on and set it whenever you want. That operates a testing window of 3 hours before and 3 hours after. Me being the bum I am, set it around 10:00 a.m. the first time cause it was Saturday and I LOVE to sleep in on Saturdays. That made the testing window for work days at around 7:00 a.m. That is usually when I get up if not traveling to LA or Court or something. Not a big deal.

So I get up today, pee on the darn stick, go to put it in and it doesn't want it! Now I know that it wants a stick since the last two days it wanted a stick. What gives. I look at it weird, shake it a bit and get really perplexed until the light bulb comes on. TIME CHANGE.

Now, for the rest of this cycle, it is going to want a stick after 8 am, after I am supposed to be at work! So, I am trying to figure this out, do I wait and take this to work and hope NONE of my associates notice. This has to be with the first morning pee and there is NO way I can wait that long in the morning. Maybe pee in a cup and take that to work -- yeah right like that wouldn't be ridiculous.

Hmm. In addition to losing an hour sleep, getting up even earlier, this time change would have to mess with this.

Okay, gotta get to work. Lots of stuff to finalize today, happy happy joy joy!

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Day 11

So it is CD 11 and my neat little fertility monitor has not changed or done anything yet. Course I am not ENTIRELY sure I am using it correctly though. Today, when I got up I went searching for a cup. Dipped the stick in the cup right before I left for work and then spent the entire drive in turning the monitor on to see if it was ready for the stick yet. Finally, at 8:07 it accepted teh stick-- but nothing. Not even slightly elevated.

Hmm, given my cycles are only 24 days, I am half way through and nothing yet. Don't know if I should worry about that or not.

On the good side, I did finally get off my bum and got to Curves last night. (I went Sat and signed up but got there too late to do anything. It was fun. I am not overweight but I have gained about 20 lbs in the last two years since the accident and quitting smoking. I also hope if I get some strength training in it will help my back not ache so much if it gets stronger. Maybe someday I can even get back into Kayaking!

DH and I made an amazing dinner last night and just sat outside where it was soooo beautiful and ate. He grilled shrimp on the bbq with olive oil and spices and I made linquini (SP?) and put some squash and Zucchini on teh bbq wiht butter and olive oil. Put taht all together and grabbed a bottle of wine. We sat out there for almost 2 hours just talking and laughing. Was really nice. I love getting to spend time with him like that. Don't usually get too much during the week.

Okay, gotta go, my work load for this week just increased cause we got served 12 motions i have seven days to write the oppos to. sigh.

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Me again

So I am not sure about this Clear Blue thing. Here I am at CD 12 and not a jump. Not even to the second of three. Maybe that doesn't mean a lot but again when you have 24 day cycles 12 is pretty far into it. Usually, I thought that I oed before this. Or atleast started up a little. This machine is "supposed" to tell me as O gets close, like within 3 days but if nothing yet, should I worry?

One of the reasons I got this machine is to make sure that I am Oing. The internet cheepies always looked like I was close but I wasn't sure they were always right. I like digital things so that is important.

Of course, now i am stressing, maybe I don't ovulate. Maybe there is somethign wrong with me, maybe I am screwing with my own head and I need to shut myself up LOL. Gee wonder why DH always calls me a worry wart.

But then, there is the real problem that I am not even sure I am using this thing right, especially with the time change and screwing aroudn with it in the car. This I will have to change next month. Today, didn't sleep really good last night so had to get up to pee at 4 am. Since that was the first morning pee, used a cup since I cannot test now until 8:10. (yesturday it was 8:07, this thing is really screwing with my mind. SO maybe the lack of positive has more to do with user error than body error. I don't know.

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Day 15 and still nothing. I wasn't stressing over it too much after I figured maybe the Clomid is delaying O but now I am getting a little more nervous. This monitor is supposed to dectect somethign almost 4-5 days before! It has not detected anything. That is just weird. But hey, maybe normal?

But hey it is Friday again, my second favorite day of the week. I was supposed to be in a deposition in Boston today adn DH and I were going to fly out on teh red eye Tuesday night and play around for the week but that got off my calender with this trial coming up. DH had already taken the time off work though so he is hoem, sleeping in, being a bum and building things. We decdied we needed like a bakers rack in the kitchen, hey I can build that. He is pretty good but sometimes it is scary. so he is home building to day.

I have a bunch of stuff due Monday. I have been obsessive about the fertiity montior this week though so I have been constantly looking up stuff etc. so I have not got my work done yet. Hopefully today I can focus so I don't have to work too much this weekend.

Have a great day!

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Biggrin

Yeah Yeah Yeah. CD 16 and the clear blue fertility monitor went to straight peak fertility. I have or am FINALLY ovulating.

After all this, I was resigned to the idea that maybe I really was not ovulating, maybe something was wrong. I mean after all with such short cycles then it would be too late -- course the Clomid probably will lengthen them somewhat.

Course it doesn't help that I feel like crap and its my own fault. We had a wonderful day yesturday, biked all around Balboa Park and stopped for several beers along the way.

Hit Kellys for corned beef and cabbage (YUM) and then the piano bar where I had actually had enough beers to sing kareoke. sadly problably very off key. DH had fun laughing at me though.

Came home to a flooded house. some valve thing in the toliet went weird and our downstairs was flooded. Cleaned that up and we went to bed.

Told DH wanted to BD and he asked what the monitor said today. I told him that was not the ONLY reason I want to BD. Had fun though LOL

Then this morning, woke up and tried the monitor, just like I have for awhile. Certain again to see the one bar for low fertility.

NOPE PEAK-- called DH said check this out. He said what does that mean? Said it means get your butt back to bed. LOL

Feel better now too. Yesturday biking I told DH this was one of the times I felt bad we didnt have a little one yet, cause days like taht would be great to share with a child.

Maybe that is still possible!

On to the dreaded 2WW but maybe, just maybe we caught this egg and this month really will be the one!

:o

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2dpo

So I survived Monday. That was a miracle. Had HUGE deadlines and just major issues concentrating. That is the hard thing about TTC is sometimes it gets distracting.

So too early to tell anything but still. I guess I just wonder what is going on inside me. Did the spermies swim fast enough and catch the egg? Is life growing? or is this just another month where AF comes and life goes on.

I do know we can't TTC next month so it will be a break time. I will be stuck in a trial for the entire time I would be Oing--- getting to work at 6 am getting home at 10 pm -- not much time for TTC.

But then the next month will be here and things might work then. Guess I am a little more positive. For now.

Okay I really need to get back to work now.

LOL

Happy Tuesday!

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Insomnia

The topic of the day is insomnia.

No, I have no illusions this is some sorta symptom, I am only 4dpo so it would be too early.

Several years ago, when DH and I first were together, he had issues sleeping. He would wake up and be awake for hours. I thought that was really weird. I always had trouble falling asleep but once I was out-- I was out. He said he thought it had something to do with getting older.

A couple of years ago, I started having issues. Not just not falling asleep for a long time -- but not falling asleep at all. One day I had a mental breakdown, crying fit at work, but I had not sleep for four days straight.

After that, I got more agressive. I take a melatonin the first ngiht after hte night I don't sleep and then a sleeping pill the next night if necessary. I still have so many issues, waking up at 4 and staying awake.

So last night was one of those nights-- I just layed there and didn't sleep. all night long! So now I will have a completely exhausting day and have no sleep. Great.

And to make matters worse, I got up this morning and made coffee and all we had was decaf -- what a cruel world!

The question I have, is when (if) I get pregnant -- then what do I do? I can't take medicine then so will I be looking at weeks with no sleep? How long can an ordinary person go without sleep? I know I have done four days or more but that was not pretty. I think I can do without the allergy meds and the other stuff but sleeping could be an issue -- and that is before hte kid is born! LOL

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Its Friday again. I am at 5 dpo. The weird part with TTC is the "symptoms" you get that I can obsess over. Get to the "I just know I am pregnant" each month cause something feels different or something. Only to look back once AF is here and realize I am making something outta nothing.

But you know, this month I do feel positive. According to the fertility monitor, I o'ed pretty far after what I thought I did. I don't temp or anything so use king the online charts to figure when I should o. Now, this month could have been really late cause of hte Clomid or maybe I do ovulate much later then the chart though. In which case, we probably wouldn't have been Bding enough to catch an egg. This month I know we BD at the right time, once the night before the monitor said fertile, once that day. SOOOO if everything worked right, could have a chance.

I know that 5 dpo is way to early to feel any symptoms -- but of course I do. that whole part of my stomach feels really heavy and crampy. Has for day or two. If I push on my tummy, it doesn't really like that. I don't know, maybe I am reading too much into it but still.

So this weekend. I think I am taking tomorrow off, maybe DH and I can go for a bike ride. I need to spend some serious tmie in our house. After the flood last week, our downstairs is in complete disaray.

Then Sunday I do have to work, I have the mock trial/focus group for my upcoming trial in April. I know I mentioned that it will be pretty intense for the next month -- should be kinda cool too though. Huge copyright/trademark case in federal court.

Okay, enough for today. Talk to you later.

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Thought I would share LOL

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Okay-- I have been AWOL for a few days.

I am now CD 25 and I think 8 dpo. I tested today but nothing -- probably too early?

Usually I should get AF today-- my cycles are typically very short, and nothing is on the horizon. BUT with clomid this cycle, I expect that my cycles will get longer so I don't know for sure when AF will come.

Weekend was long-- I worked each day adn we had mock trials for the upcomign case. Didn't get to see DH much which is sad. I love weekends just to spend time with him. This weekend he is on call so we can't do much either.

Sad, yesturday I was up in Orange County family court on a family law case I am taking for a friend of my boss. It is always depressing. All these people who were lucky enough to have kids, and fighting over them, often ruining the kids life. It is always sad too see parents split up. When both are okay parents but each are SURE they are the better parent or want to hurt their former partner cause they dared to leave them, and they put these little kids in the middle. questioning the kids, fighting in front of the kids, making the kids chose. I guess that gets to me after awhile. Reason I stopped doing family law as much. Oh well.
here I want a child so much, as does everyone on this board. You know the children will be so loved and wanted. Wish every child was loved and wanted as much.

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So here I am CD 26 --10 dpo. technically I am late but I probably am not since the Clomid will draw out my cycles. I hopefully will know something, one way or another by the weekend. Yesturday I pretty much thought it was over, thought I had cramping but it wasn't that. IDK. I hate to get my hopes up and obsess over alleged symptoms, knowing that by tomorrow I may be back on here at CD1.

On the agenda today, more trial prep, reading sensless rules and arguments, strategizing with people that get on my nerves, and anxiously going to the potty to make sure AF is not here. LOL.

I do have to go pick out my new office in our new building. Our office is moving at the end of May and everyone else has been checkign it out. I have senority so I get first pick and everyone is driving me nuts to see what I have picked. But everytime we have gone over there, I have been on a deadline. So today I will go.

That is my day. I hate this waiting. I really hate that the Clomid screws wtih my cycle-- not that it may not be good, but I usually get AF like clock work. Now I don't know when I will officially be "late" so I don't know when to get cautiously optomistic.

And yes, I did POAS today still neg but probably too early.

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So here is my morning musings, not that anyone cares or reads this but it makes me feel better LOL :roll:

Today is day 27 of my cycle. If I don't get AF today, this will be the longest cycle I have had since I started tracking a few years ago.

Funny -- told my step dd yesturday that all my life I was sure I had a normal 28 day cycle. Once I started tracking - gesh-- every 24 days like clockwork. Could chart it out months on end. Anyway, I digress.

No cramps, no spotting. Least not those types of cramps.

Funny how hte mind plays tricks on you. Will think that I have no cramping from AF so MAYBE I actually am pregnenat, and sometimes a few minutes later think I feel a cramp coming on. Driving myself nuts over this.

So today, I am either pregnant or the medicine is playing tricks on me. I don't know which.

I didn't POAS today since I woke up at 4 am and had to go to the bathroom. I was going to pleasently report that the insomina I was struggling with last week was gone since I sleep really well the last few nights, but then last night again, woke up at 330-400 and stayed awake.

Soooooo, anxiously waiting. Each day seems more hopefull, and more dissapointing.

Oh and I rescued two ducks today that were looking like they wanted to make a nest in our parking lot.

Happy Thursday All!

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I promised myself I wouldn't obsess, I promised promised promished! Sigh :oops:

Forget about getting through the 2ww -- I am not sure I can even get through the next 24 hours. If AF is not here by tomorrow, something is definitely up. If not by this weekend -- wow.

Could still be the Clomid but you would think the first month I took it would be the most loopy. But AF had come by this time the first month.

So now I am on to obsessing.

I am cramping a little but not like AF cramps. More from the fact I feel really constipated LOL (sorry if TMI)

Had a crazy hot flash and like a hypoglacemic attach which I hadn't had for years right at lunch.

So I was thinking, what if, just what if, this was the month.

And I promised myself not to think that. Gesh and then tomorrow will come and AF with it and here I got my hopes and dreams up only to be dissapointed again.

But still, what if.

Figured out how I would tell DH. I will make dinner this weekend for him, baby back ribs, baby cheese for an apetizer, baby brussel sprouts, baby carrots, you know all the stereotypcial stuff. We will have dinner outside on our deck -- we look over a canyon so it is peaceful and beautiful. It is supposed to be in teh 80s this weekend so that would be nice. Going to tell him I don't want him to make a mess with the ribs and I have a surprise for him anyway. Then give him a baby bib that saids I am going to be a daddy!

I know he will smile and say really? He isn't the super emotional guy outside so he wouldn't get up or cry or anything.

And then he will turn into dh from hell -- watching everything I do, everything I eat sigh. Wink

But who am I kidding.

I am SURE AF will be here long before this weekend like she is every other month.

Or if not, it will be too soon for a positive test so I would be making this up and saying I THINK I am pregenant cause I am late and then AF would show up the next day and DH would be all dissapointed.

Write 10 times on the chalkboard
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess

:oops:

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See I am not obsessing (yeah right)

I got in the habit of getting on every morning and putting in an entry. I didn't today. But hey, I couldn't go all day.

Day 28 and no AF. Early today I was sure it was coming. Cramps were pretty bad but then I have been cramping the last 24 hours. Almost more constipation or gas then AF. Regardless of if this is pregnancy or the Clomid, this is the longest I have gone without AF for a cycle. Kinda nice. But IF AF is coming, I wish it would come already. Waiting sucks.

Tests are still negative but then it is early. Today though I started getting really sick to my stomach, was weird. Waves of nausea but then stopped.

I have to confess I did have a glass of wine tonight. We have this little cafe up the road from us and we stop every single Friday night for a glass of wine. I don't want Dh to know I think I am pregnant in case he gets disappointed. So I can't do anything totally outta whack. Tonight we stopped in and she gave us a whole bottle of wine for free, in exchange for me agreeing to review her contract to sell the place. I didn't have more than 1.5 glass. I will miss her when she is gone but if I am pregnant, kinda glad cause then it won't be so hard not to go there every week.

Also, my DD showed up tonight. For those who have not followed the drama, my DD is 19 and pregnant. She lives with my DH's ex wife (totally weird but she wouldn't live here) So she tells me the following. First, her BF (father of baby -- MAYBE is ex bf) gave her chlamydia cause he cheated in her with the girl he cheated on her with the first time they broke up (Gee let me put on my shocked face). this is the guy who treated her like C%*P, so she dropped outta college, threw away her and my relationship and her future for. What a waste.

Then she dyed her hair this week, got her nose pierced, and was going to play laser tag. And she is five months pregnant! :evil: Trying really hard not to destroy our relationship but talking to her I want to slap her. She knows better, or should. She isn't dumb, just way to damn young and immature to have a baby. Here I am trying like crazy to have a baby, we have even picked out schools and day care, and Tiff doesn't give a D%%M. Or she does but she isn't paying attention.

The good news is she is seriously considering adoption and going back to school. I guess she has even picked the adoptive parents. I told her if her bio-mom had considered that early on (she was 19 too when Tiff was born and really not able to care for a baby) maybe Tiff wouldn't have gone through 7 years of abuse and neglect before I adopted her. IDK

I struggle so much with this, really I do. Tiff isn't ready for a baby. But she is showing and she is definitely preggo. So why can't I.

Anyway, back to my obsessing LOL. I will say for the first time, I do think I am pregnant. Maybe tomorrow I will get on and say AF is here, but nothing not a twinge yet. the cramps are different.

Course if I get a BFP, I will be on here with all kinds of other obsessing LOL.

If anyone actually reads this -- THANKS. Nice to know someone listens.

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Day 30, no BFP and no AF. Seriously wondering what is going on. I had a dream last night -- very very vivid. I got up in the a.m. and took a test and it was positive. Two lines. I was so excited. Wound up taking 2 or 3 to make sure. Took pictures of the test to post online. When I did finally wake up I was not sure that the dream wasn't real and maybe I went back to sleep? Took the test again and so far nothing.

But on the good side, I am only 14 DPO so still could be too early to test. And no sign of AF either. no AF like cramps or anythign similar.

Only bad thing about no BFP (well one sad thing) is I had the whole thing planned on how to tell DH and make dinner etc. Can't happen tonight but don't have time during the week. Sad

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So today really was a bad day. Day 31, AF no where in sight. I don't know what is going on. I hope and hope and hope that a BFP is on the horizon. But I couldn't test today. Spend the ENTIRE day in a horrible pre-trial conference with the judge. Long and long and long. But I couldn't take the chance that if I got a BFP with everything going on today.

Not everything went our way though a lot did. But my boss is stressing which means taking it out on me. Grrrr. :x

On top of everything, woke up sick. here comes the flu. I had to take some medicine this morning even though I was terrified. But today was not the day to be sick. Course my throat was KILLING me and I had to pipe up in court a few times. Sad

I am going to try to test tomorrow. Then when the rest of the day SUCKS if I got a BFP in the morning, it will make the day bearable. Wink

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CD 32.

I keep thinking that I have to be pregnant for AF not to be here. Even using my longest cycle, on Clomid, I am five days late. And I am NEVER late. But still BFN

So today wasn't the day from hell I thought it would be. First thing this morning got a call from the judge's office demanding a conference call with all counsel. Was able to get a few on the phone and the judge gets on, says I reviewed this one argument we kept making yesturday and guess what, realized he was wrong and we were right.

Then he went back to yet another order and said he was changing that.

All in all good. He gave the defendants a choice to move the trial depending on what they want. we are waiting to see.

So my boss was back in a good mood.

Bad news is I AM SICK AS A D&^%M DOG! Nose stuffy, coughing, headache. I just want to go home and go to bed. Without knowing about the trial that could be a little hard but I still may head home in a little while.

I do just wish I knew what was going on with my body. Course the good news is I am not running to the bathroom every thirty minutes sure AF is here. Sorta passed that stage, still cautiously hopefull. After all, maybe it still is too early to test?

'till later- - -
Amy

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I am 9 days past when I would normally get my period. I know Clomid extends your cycle but this is the 4th time I have taken it and never extended for this long.

I didn't test today though.

I am tired of seeing negative tests over and over again. I wanted to wait for tomorrrow.

I am sick as a dog though. My sore throat turned into a running nose, which turned into a worse sore throat. I feel like crap. And I can't really take much. I went and got Tylonal cold and flu cause someone posted that you can take that when pregnant.

I did make an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow at 8:15. Not the Ob/Gyn, my regular doctor. Maybe she can order a blood test at least. I told teh schedular that I needed to see the doc cause I think I have the flu and I might be pregnant. She got all rude and said well for pregnancy you need to call oB/gyn have you taken a home pregnancy test? Gee wish I had thought of that. :roll: But told her the issue was that I could be pregnant, am sick as a dog, and need to know what I can safely take just in case.

But I really do think in my heart there is a baby there. I am cautious about saying that in case I have to jump back on and say, nope AF playing games. But I know we BD at exactly the right time, and the night before, thanks to the fertility monitor. (So happy I o'ed on a weekend so DH was there) I know that my cycles are NEVER this long, ever, even on Clomid.

I just wish I knew why I cannot get a BFP? Maybe I need some new tests. I have used cheepies from earlypregnancytest.com that I ordered earlier but also grabbed I think Answer? from the store. Maybe I will get more.

But shouldn't I have a positive test by now? 17 DPO?

Oh well. Honestly, right now I am probably too sick to care. Just want to feel better and know for sure.

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Happy Easter

Easter bunny brought me a present -- no not a bfp -- but AF. :cry: I don't get it. Got to day 37 -21 dpo and now she shows up? What happened to my clockwork cycles of 24 days?

AF is really heavy now and cramps are horrible. This morning I woke up to cramps and said uh oh. maybe not since I have had weird cramps in the past few weeks but still. Course sure enough, there she is.

I guess it is good though, at least I know. I have tested so many times, each with bfn. Didn't know what was going on.

On the bright side, now I can take some serious medicine for this flu I have. Maybe I can kick it earlier.

Also on the bright side, I was worried about if i was pregnant, my trial is starting in 2 weeks. I was stressing about what I would do if morning sickness hit or I wasn't feeling well. I have to sit in court 8 plus hours a day and only get up on breaks. If I was sick, that would be hard.

On the down side, my trial is in 2 weeks. I have almost no chance of doing anything this cycle since I will barely even see dh as the trial gears up. I have witnesses to prepare, briefs to write, exhibits to memorize. life will suck!

I just don't get how this can be so hard. People get pregnant every day, trying or not.

Oh well.

Happy Easter

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I'm Here I'm here!

Okay, so I knew I wouldn't be around much for this cycle. Didn't realize I would have to go hunting for my journal. LOL.

I figured this cycle would be a bust. I start a trial in federal court on Monday; true David v. Goliath story. we represent a small mom and pop co taking on the Bratz and their high priced top notch lawyers. We have a good case but not going to hold my breath.

So I am exhausted.

Starting next Monday -- will be working 6 am to 10 pm. If I see my DH it will be a kiss and a hug on the way to bed.

So didn't even try the Clomid. Last cycle didn't o until CD 19, too late. Will be crazy in trial.

But JUST IN CASE, did still use the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor.

Didn't think it would do any good. After all, once I did O -- couldn't do anything about it.

Forgot to test several days but remembered most.

Guess what

I O'ed yesterday.

Still shows high fertility today.

I grabbed DH yesterday and told him to expect to play tonight.

So maybe I am not out this cycle?

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I'm BAAACK

Gee wiz, its been like three weeks since I have posted, after posting almost daily for awhile.

Well my trial is over, case went to the jury at 9 am this morning. No verdict today, which rule of thumb is good, at least we haven't lost yet. We have a 1/1000 chance (being the pessimist I always am) but that chance means huge returns.

I am exhausted though. I got stuck working on jury instructions, last Monday we were in the judge's office until MIDNIGHT- after getting up at 6 am. Then I had to get up the next morning and do it all again.

So back to TTC. I did get AF during the trial, actually 3 days early which really sucked. After the cycle before lasting 35 + days, this time was 20 days. Course right now I have NOO idea where in my cycle I am, if I have o'ed or now, if I should have o'ed or not or what is going on. Completely lost track of everything. Guess that means I am probably out for this cycle.

Bugging DH to get his butt into the doctor now that he has figured out his insurance. He needs to go get his swimmers analyzed. Minor argument last night cause he is going "that is embarrassing" specially going to a new doctor and that is the first thing he has to ask for. My response was get over it, I have had to deal with ob/gyns and paps for years, I DON"T want to hear about embarrassing. His response was "that's different, you are used to it." Shows what he knows!

So that is my life. I won't get any sleep until the verdict is in. But at least I survived today and the last few weeks.

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My jury is still out.

I have been bouncing off the walls. This is good-- rule of thumb is the longer the jury is out, the more they are considering the case. At least they didn't reject us out of hand.

So today I go to the doctor, my primary referred me to an endocrinologist (SP?) a few month ago after an "alarming" abnormal result.

When we first realized that we were having trouble TTC, she ran a few blood tests to get a base line of hormones. That was September or so of last year. She called me and said there was a thyroid test that seemed a little low, and could I come back in six weeks and retest.

Of course that means I promptly forgot. LOL

In Feb I was at the docs again with a sinus infection and she realized that I had not gone in and sent me downstairs to the lab.

The next day she called alarmed cause the level had dropped.

Seems she ran a test on something called TSH Thyroid stimulating hormone. it is supposed to have a range of .3 to 3 or something. The first time the test came back .23 so not too low. In Feb it came back .03 so really low. Guess that is a bad thing, seems my thyroid is hyperactive! So in Feb they sign me up for the first available appointment -- which of course was today.

Actually I am relieved. I was freaking that my jury would come back and I could not get to the doctor. Thankfully that didn't happen.

So this doctor tells me this could be a reason I am not pregnant. She asked a lot of questions about our attempts etc and said this definitely could be related. (interesting since the OB/Gyn said hyPER thyroid was unrelated, only hyPO thyroid.)

Anyway she was concerned. Some of the other health issues could all be related to this.

So more tests, always with the d*&m test. Ran to see the vampires at the lab then have to go to nuclear medicine to have the thyroid tested, soon as I get my next period. Told her trust me there was no way I was pregnant this cycle, have been in trial for three weeks! but just in case.

So this may be an answer -- not necessarily a good answer but at least an answer.

On another front, my DD came home. She is now 7 months pregnant and definitely showing. She is saying definitely adoption and has even found a family. IDK though what she is thinking or doing. I am worried about how well she has taken care of this baby who she has named Madison. She is so not ready to be a mom, she asked me for a talk tonight so we shall see.

Okay, I am back to bouncing off the walls waiting for my verdict.

c-ya'll

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Jury came back

After all that-- judge declared a mistrial. Jury was hopelessly deadlocked and we couldn't get a verdict. Now we have to try this case all over again. I will know Monday when we have to go through this again. :cry:

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Pretty sad.

Knew last month was a bust cause I was in trial.

This month was pretty much a bust cause I was too exhausted to do anything, no monitors no nothing. Course cycle was 1/4 over by the time I got outta trial (and when you have a 24 days cycle, that is pretty short)

Now looks like next cycle is over and AF has not even come yet.

First available date for the thyroid uptake is 6/12 and 6/13.

Get this -- appointment on 6/12 at 9 am AND 3 pm and then again the next day at 9 a.m. I am injected with radioactive dye and then they take a series of x-rays or something to see how my thyroid absorbs the dye -- or something like that. Bottom line, cannot take a chance of being pregnant when you have that much radiation. And that will probably be AFTER o-ing for next cycle.

So the earliest I can even try again will be late June early July.

I turn 36 in June. Tick tock tick tock. All this gotta hurry up before too old is NOT making me feel better. Especially when all these months cannot even try.

Oh yeah, and STILL can't get DH in and get his SA done what a baby!

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Well I thought I had posted at some point, guess not.

Hello!

So I am on CD 18, approx 5DPO.

Last Friday, my CBFM said I was at peak fertility-- egg coming and all. Woke up DH early for some fun. Saturday a.m. -- still said peak. Woke him up again with some story.

Not sure how he is about the monitor so I don't tell him. Somedays, when I use it, he asks what it says. However, he is kinda hinky about "sex on demand" so I don't want him thinking the only time its time to play depends on the monitor.

Good news, at least for him, is that his sperm analysis was finally done and came back great. He had plenty of little swimmers and they all swim great. Only issues was his PH was off a little?

So, it is not him. That is a relief I guess, now I know it is me. Wow, how great is that LOL. Here I am 36 and too damn old for a kid.

On the other hand, I am about to be a grandma. My little girl (20 years old-- adopted) is having her baby any day now. We don't talk a lot, she moved out in January, told me to get stuffed, if I didn't like her BF who is now long gone, I had no place in her life cause they were getting married, setting up house and living happily ever after. Now she is mad at me cause I am not part of her life. Go figure.

Anyway, some wonderful people will soon have a new little girl.

Tiff is putting the baby up for adoption. Best decision she could have made because she is NOT ready for a child.

I worry cause I don't think she has taken care of herself very good this pregnancy (again butt out mom) so I pray the baby will be okay.

How come she can get pregnant at the drop of the hat, screw around, change her mind and everything is okay. Here I cannot get pregnant for trying.

Been in Vegas twice over night for the past two weeks, will go again Sunday night. For work, not play sadly. It is hot there and my DH won't get the time off to go with me.

So my stream of consciousness is getting old I am sure, so I will go back and try to pretend I am working.

I do promise to get back involved on the boards, with having to take forced time off for a few months, was easier not to be here.

C-ya

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

I am so frustrated.

I love my daughter but right now I really don't like her very much. I adopted her when she was 9- she is now 20, so I have had her 11 years. Problem is I have no idea who she is anymore.

So she is pregnant, about to have a baby any day. Fortunately for all, she has agreed to put the baby for adoption.

We have been trying and trying for a child. I know if and when I am pregnant, my DH will be horrific at can't do this can't do that. I will be too but probably not as obsessive as he.

Tiff, doesn't give a damn. She says she does to my face but her actions speak different.

9 months pregnant, don't think you want to go swimming in the ocean they just stated was really high in bacteria? Course you do, why not.

Why would anyone think it is okay to go to Mexico and eat and drink the local food-- why take a chance-- she does.

She goes out yesterday and buys some "post pregnancy" clothes and a new bra-- wouldn't you want to wait until you are actually post pregnancy to know what size you are? Especially for a bra-- apparently not all HER friends tell her nothing will change, she will be the exact size she was before with bigger breasts. After all, what the hell do I know since I am not ever pregnant.

She tells everyone how grown up she is now and she acts like a little know it all but she is acting so D?&^M immature.

She refuses to come home because I am "stressful" and make her follow house rules, although NOW she is 20 years old and an adult--then act like it!

Then last night she is looking up on the Internet ways to "induce" labor so she can go ahead and have the kid and then go have some fun.

I just don't know how you can get pregnant and take so little care of yourself and your child, even if you are not keeping it.

BTW, I am 10 DPO and hoping and waiting for either AF or BFP. Sigh.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Sorry for the vent above. One of those days.

I am CD 23 oops, strike that-- CD 1.

I will never get to have a baby of my own.

Least now I know why I am in such a bad mood.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Some days I really look at teh stuff I wrote before and really laugh at it. Days full of hope and days full of despair.

Today, where I am? Ehhh, Idk.

The issues with my daughter just irritate me so much. But then when one adopts an older foster child, life comes with the teritory. I knew that a long time ago.

So I am calling for my script of Clomid for this cycle, maybe even try the IUI they asked for, and move on.

Such is life right? :roll:

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Day 7, third day of Clomid. What fun. I told DH after my dad goes home on Wed, he needs to expect lots of BDing. I know it will be coming up on O time (though that ALWAYS screws up my cycle) and figured what the hell. Don't want to waste the Clomid right? After all, next cycle we will try IUI and he is not too excited about that either.

Keep hoping and waiting. Maybe one of these days. . . . before I get too freaking old LOL

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

I keep dreaming about what it will be like when [if] we have a baby. I dream of what I am going to do in the nursery, of places we want to take the little one, schools to look at, day care. . . I think I have much of it planned out already! Ha.

My dad just left back for the East coast today. He was joking about being out to be a "nanny" for any grand kids etc. He so enjoys coming out when all the older ones are home and around and adores them so much. We have added another Grand kid (I kinda collect stray kids like other people do cats) Tymber is this beautiful little girl who just turned 18. She was in the foster care system for 13 years and is going to college on August 3. Since there was about 25 days between 18th b-day and college, she needed someplace to stay. She has been part of our lives for 3 years now so it was only natural she comes with us. So another kid calling me mom.

Sorta still makes me sad. I want my own child. God always sends me these kids to raise, Tiff as a foster child then adoptive, Ash and Age as steps, now Tymbre, we have had a few others over the years. But they are all older, teenagers etc. Is it wrong to so want to have my own baby? To hold and care for my infant child?

The more I see Tiffany and the things she is doing to her unborn child and how she is throwing so much of her own life away on some loser guy, the more I just want my own baby. I want a child of my own that doesn't inherit baggage. God knows, I love my kids, all of them, I just want my own so bad, is that wrong? I feel guilty about that some times.

I am on CD 8 now, last night took the last Clomid. We decided NOT to do IUI this time, although I am not sure why, maybe when I O I will change my mind. Hmmm, we can still make the decision so maybe I will talk to DH about it tonight and see if he would rather BD all the time or suck it in and do the IUI. The Clomid makes me O later so I am not sure when I will get a positive O on my meter.

Over the last week, Adrienne has been over every night cause Gramps was here, Ashley drove down from Santa Barbara to see him over the weekend, Tiffany was even around a little bit and Tymbre is living with us. My dad went and picked up my brother at his group home and Drew stayed for a few days. It was fun, I love having a full house and all the kids around. We had bbqs and long talks and walks -- tonight Tymbre will be home, she is around until first part of August, but the rest clears out. Hopefully Age will be around to spend some time with Tymbre, she is having a hard time.

Doubt anyone is actually reading this, more musing at the moment. But having everyone home reminds me so much of how I want my own beautiful baby to hold. Need to talk to Charley tonight to see if he wants to go with the IUI.

Okay, I really need to get to work.

Peace Out.

Amy

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