Angela's 2nd TTC journal - TTC after a loss ((PG MENT))
So i guess now i feel ready to start a new chapter in my life.
I cant believe it was nearly a year ago i started my first TTC journal. Me and bf started TTC in December 2006. After 10 cycles we got our bfp November 5th 2007, we were so so pleased. I felt so grateful this could happen to me and i cherished my pregnancy every minute of the day. I went for an early scan at 6 weeks as i had slight pain and was worried it was ectopic. Everything looked great, there was a little heartbeat and a fetal pole of 3mm i was ecstactic!!
I couldnt believe this wonderful miracle was happening to us.
We went for our dating scan at 10-11 weeks on the 21st December 2007. I nearly passed out when the sonographer told me she was ever so sorry, it wasnt good news, there was no heartbeat. My baby had died at around 8-8.5 weeks. I had to have a D+C a week later as my body wasnt letting go. It seemed so cruel, i had carried my baby for 2 weeks and had not known. I didnt loose any of my symptoms, i wish i'd have known this could have happened, i may have been prepared. But then i dont think anything can prepare you for a loss like that. This was definately the worst time in my life. It is becoming easier as time goes by, im still very delicate about it but then it has only been 3 weeks. But, with all the support from the other ladies on these boards i finally feel a little more like i can look forward. I have ordered a lovely little memorial bracelet in memory of the baby we have lost. It has a heart charm on it with footprints one side and 'angel - 8wks' engraved on the other side. There will be a ruby birthstone put on to represent July - the month our baby should have been born, and a blue topaz for December - our loss. Its amazing how this has helped me grieve.
So whilst i will never forget what has happened, i have started looking forward to being able to TTC again. Once my body goes back to normal and i get my first af then we will start. It has been 2 weeks since my D+C and the bleeding has nearly stopped.
So i went and saw the dr today just to make sure all was ok after my d+c 2 weeks ago. Everything is fine, she has ordered some blood tests for me. She is going to screen me for toxoplasmosis (i work as a veterinary nurse so am higher risk) and she is going to check my immunity to rubella whilst i'm there. I was worried that potentially toxo could have caused my m/c but she said this is very very unlikely. She was really nice and said there shouldnt be any higher risk of a 2nd m/c which was reassuring. It does feel good to be thinking about things that look to the future.
I did get a little upset at work today though, one of my colleagues wife has just given birth to their baby. Dont get me wrong - i am very happy for them, i just cant handle it at the moment, i made sure i stayed out the way as i dont know what i would have said had they asked me if i wanted to hold him.
So i have just poas, and it looks like it is finally negative. I got a faint line just under a week ago so it would make sense it is neg now. I will check tomo with FMU just to make sure it isnt because my urine is dilute but hopefully my body is getting back to normal. Im just hoping af returns asap so i can stop feeling cheated with all these pg symptoms here and no pg.
Things havent been too bad this past week. Time is definately helping to heal. I did have a cry a few nights ago but i havent got that complete feeling of loss and emptiness anymore. I know i will always be sad about whats happened but im definately dealing with it much better.
I poas (pg) and its looking negative still, a very very very almost-not-there line but this is prob evap line so thats good. No af yet, i also done an opk and it had a faint line so perhaps im gearing up to O. If we do fall pg this cycle then it will happen, if not then im not too worried as seeing af will be a fresh start.
Af arrived last week! Im now on CD9 so i guess O will be within the next 2 weeks. Before my bfp i used to O on CD 18, im hoping my cycle will be back to normal and i will O - i cant bear the thought of waiting another month!! Im really keeping my fingers crossed i fall pg very soon this time, i cant wait but i know im going to be so worried that ill m/c again. I guess i just have to try and stay positive!
In the 2ww now! I think our timing was pretty good, we bd about 6 days leading up to O, but not on O day so hopefully thats ok. I think i will be so disappointed if its a bfn, more so after all that has happened. I keep telling myself that yes im pregnant, hoping the positive frame of mind will help. Trouble with that though is i will be even more disappointed if its neg.
Im going to be so careful this time round. Not that i wasnt carefull before but im going to be extra careful, at work its a complete no no for working in the theatre areas. Other staff have safely worked in there through pregnancies but im not taking any chances.
I hope the next couple of weeks hurry! Im not going to test until the day af is due or possibly the day after.
Well, my last 2ww turned out to be a bfn. I was disappointed but not too bad, had a few parties to attend that evening of af arriving so i just threw myself into it and had a good drink lol!!
I am now on CD 21, approx 3dpo so onto another 2ww. Funny, our bd timing this cycle was exactly the same as my bfp cycle, im hoping this is a good thing and it will result in another bfp!
8 dpo - Im wondering why im still not getting tender breasts? Before my m/c i always got tender breast at around 7dpo but i didnt on the last cycle. They are feeling very very slightly tender today but no where near as much as what they used too. Does this mean i may not be O'ing?? Its all so frustrating!! My skin is breaking out horribly at the moment, it did that on my last bfp cycle and i dreamt last night i was pg again. In my dream i was so pleased, saying how it has happened so quick, like 2 months after my loss. Lets hope this dream may mean something!!!
wow its been a while since i wrote here. I haven't been on the boards at all much lately.
My cycles seem to have gotten shorter which im hoping is a good thing, the last couple of months i have been oing on cd17 but im definatley oing today - cd 14. Our timing has been good but i guess that doesnt mean anything anymore as timing in the previous months has been perfect and still no pg!!
My colleague at work in pg again, she was the one who got pg last time i was trying. She is 10weeks now, i saw her scan and i was so happy for her but very sad as thats what i should have been looking at at my scan, the baby was wiggling around waving its little arms. She is so lucky, she has her 7/8 month old baby too. I had a dream last night i got my bfp, i told her and we were thrilled to be able to go through pregnancy together. Im hoping this is a good sign for this cycle. It makes it even more hard as this week is my edd week.