Thread: Angela's 2nd TTC journal - TTC after a loss

CD 2.

GRRRRRRR.

Bloody AF.

Onto another cycle i guess. Feb 6th will be 1 year since my cycles returned to normal after the m/c - i never thought even afer the m/c that a year on i would still not be pregnant. I wonder where i'll be in a year from now!?!
My HSG is in one week, i hope all will be ok.
I have booked my reflexology appointment with the lady who lives 2 mns away from me for next weds......will cont later

Oops!! Forgot to come back and finish that previous entry!!
Yes, so i have my apponitment with the reflexologist on wenesday. I spoke to her on the phone and explained where im at....she was so nice, even nicer than the last lady i saw. She has been through all the HSG's/IVF etc etc so is very understanding of my need and frustrations.
Not much else to tell.....i had a good chat with my friend who has suffered 4 or 5 (?) m/c - she and dh are waiting for cd2 bloodwork and are being to referred to the frequent m/c clinic, finally. Im glad she is moving on and loking into things as last time i spoke to her properly i had the feeling she was going to give up ttc. I guess after 12 (?) years and that many m/c's it takes it toll on you big time.

I had such a nice dream last night!! I was pregnant again, and i kept worrying i would m/c and i waited patiently through the first 12 weeks and somehow it flew past really quick, and it was like overnight i was suddenly 17weeks pg with a lovely bump to show off and i could feel the baby kicking and moving!! What an amazing feeling and that was just a dream!! Cant wait for the real thing!!

I have just come home from my first reflexology session with my new lady. She was lovely, so so so much better than the last lady and she was nice. She sat down with me and we had a talk about my history etc and she was so sympathetic and understanding. She talked to me alot asking how i feel about the m/c now, i told her im still very bitter, angry and upset about it and how difficult at work it is with my colleagues wife being pg. It made me feel so good to actually say those words to someone as i havent ever said that to anyone before. In fact, i didnt realise how good it made me feel to say that until i just wrote this sentence. She has been through 2 m/c herself, IUI's and failed IVF's, HSG's etc etc. She now has a little adoptive son. I think thats what makes her so understanding to it all.....i dont think you ever truely realise until you have been through it yourself.
She done the reflexology thing, used energy crystals - cant remember what she called that - and then done some visualization techniques with me. I was nearly asleep!! Im not sure if she was a bit psychic too as some of her evaluations of my personality were spot on. ....think it was more spiritual healing techniques used also.....either way she was very accurate and i could actually feel the energy flowing if that makes sence. I am going back to see her in 12 days, im looking forward to it already.
Yesterday at work was a bit hard, my colleague has decided that him and his wife are going to announce their pregnancy at work. Ugh i feel like i am loosing my positive energy now im onto this subject. In a way its good because i can vent some of these feelings to friends now they now, before if i had said anything i would have felt like i was giving his secret away and thats not nice. I guess im going to hear non stop things from them now.
Ok, back to feeling positive!!! I really cant believe how much talking to someone has helped. When she asked me who do i talk to about it, i then realised that actually i dont speak to anyone about my true extent of hurt and upset about the whole thing. Sure, ppl know it upsets me, but not to the degree it does. She suggested i book i to speak to a councellor/hypnotherapist as a one off and see if that helps so i may look into that.
My HSG is tomo, im kind of looking forward to it but kind of dreading it. I hope all is clear.

I have just got back home from my HSG, and its good news!! My tubes are clear and normal and uterus looks normal too!! I feel a bit silly though as i cried when the done it. The consultant was brill. The cleaning my cervix bit was fine, the inserting the catheter was fine. But then he inflated the balloon at the end of the catheter (in my uterus) and that REALLY hurt. It really cramped me. He has warned me it would as its stretching the cervix. It was definately worse than period pain and thats what made me cry. Some women dont feel a thing, but i did!!! They say the bit that hurts and cramps is when the shoot the dye in but i didnt feel that at all! It was great as i had a monitor next to me and got to watch it as it was injected, really interesting. So now i just have to sort out details for bf's SA next week.
I had another bad day at work yesterday, my colleague very insensitively asked me if i would scan his wife as she is approx 7 weeks along now. (We have a scan machine at work). OMG he must realise i thats completely thoughtless to even suggest such a thing. Im not even a qualified scanner person, i have just looked at myself in the past when i had an ovarian cyst.....he isnt qualified either but perfectly capable of knowing how to do it. I asked why me, and his reason was 'well you have done A before' (A being my colleague who is 9mths gone) to which i said well i havent, i have just seen her scan HERSELF a few times. Either he is trying to rub my nose in it or is completely ignorant of my feelings. It wasnt mentioned anymore so i got out of it. I think if he asks me again i will say i dont feel comfortable doing it at present, what with it being a year on and going thru the tests im finding myself more sensitive than normal.

Not sure if we are going to be able to do bf's SA nxt week as it looks like it will be my O week!! The lab person and the consultants i spoke to said bf must refrain from any ejaculation 3 days before the SA....so, we can either miss this months timing, or get his SA done. I am definately leaning towards the Bd'ing as i dont want to waste this month after having the HSG, they say it gives you a good clean out and increases your chances of falling pg by a further 25%!

And im not sure if he can get time of over the following 3 weeks, i guess its all hanging on my O date at the mo which im not sure what its going to be........last month was CD 18, the month before CD15 and before that CD11 so who Knows!!

Im feeling ok today after the HSG, slight acheyness/cramping but really slight, almost gone. And a small amount of spotting.

Really am going to work hard at relaxing now and getting out of this rut im in and feeling so down and awful at the time. Its mainly at work due to the co-worker so that will be the real challenge.

Cd 18, 2dpo

Again, good timing this cycle. I think this cycle felt a little different than normal.....not sure if this is due to the hsg or just it is different. Anyway, i had no pre o pain like i normaly do, just a few twinges on what i think was o day. Plus there were no high days on my fm, it went straight to peak. And my opk's, WOW!! This was the first cycle where i had a blazing positive, the test line was waayyy darker than the control line and i have never had that before.
I am going to try my best to not stress this 2ww or think about it too much so i may not write on here too often during this time. I am due to go back to see the reflexologist lady on Friday, but im not sure if im able to afford it. Thats a real nuisance as i feel im really going to benefit from it.

I feel really disheartened. I done so well this 2ww, i really didnt think about it a huge amount and i just chilled. I thought after the HSG my chances would be way increased. But no. The spotting has started 11dpo. I havent tested (none in the house!!) but i know im not pg......af will prob be in full swing by tomo or Weds. So i think i have finally made a decision. I am going to start the clomid next cycle.
Bf is going to have his SA Thurs......part of me wonders if i should wait until we get his results but i dont want to waste another month.

We done bf's SA yesterday and dropped it into the hospital. Bless him he didnt moan a bit about it - cant be nice being under pressure like that. It meant alot to me he was willing to go through all this.
So i think my first day of clomid will be tomorrow, im very hopeful of it. Felt annoyed at worl today my colleague and his wife were in the scan room AGAIN then talking about it afterwards. I felt like saying shut the hell up i dont want to know, have some bloody awareness of how i must feel!!!
I spoke to my friend a week or so ago (the one who has had 4 or 5 m/c) they have decided not to pursue any more testing or ttc. They feel its too heartbreaking, that makes me so sad for her. I am going to her house at the beginning of March for a proper catch up.

I forgot to say in my last entry, i was able to afford to go back to the reflexologist. Again it was a lovely relaxing session. I am certainly gpoing back again in a week or so.

I took my first clomid tablet this afternoon! I felt so happy when i took it, like for the first time i truely believed this is going to work this cycle!! So another 4 days of taking it and then wait for O. Im going back to the reflexologist again around O time if i can time it right.
Going to pop into the doctors tomo and see if bf's SA results are in. All being well that they are ok im not sure what the gynae's next move will be.