This morning im having mixed feelings again - am i pg? Yes i am this time! No im not it hasnt worked!! And i dont know why as i know for a fact there is no way to tell until the end of this dreaded 2ww!! And the worst thing is, i keep thinking this isnt going to happen to me, i cant even imagine myself pg and then with a baby. Its not fair as i want it so much. Ive always dreamed of this day when i was 'allowed' (ie in stable relationship etc) to get pg, i thought it will happen so easily!!! And now it terrifies me that it may take months and months and months. Im a very impatient person anyway so this really doesnt help.
i havent had any other major symptoms. So im trying to tell myself that its good as normally i get O pain every day post O when i have O'ed from my lhs. Well, this time i O'ed from my Rhs and apart from a couple of days i havent had the same pain. And this is the first time i can remember that i have O'ed from my right side so thats another positive. See, im convincing myself already!!!
Only 4 days to go.
tested this morning and a BFN again! I have started having af cramps now so i think af is hours around the corner.
I was so upset last night when i spoke to bf as he said to me are you pg? I said no i dont think its happened this month, why do you ask (he never usually asks, just waits as he knows ill tell him when im ready). He said he had a dream the night before, he was holding our new born baby and when he woke up he felt sick. When i asked him why he felt sick, he said it was because he realised it was a dream and he missed his baby!! He said he was so happy and then all disappointed when he woke. Ahhhhhhhh that was so sweet - all i wish is that i would have been able to say "YES!! IM PG!"
9.41pm - So iaf still isnt here, day 32!!!! How cruel with all the bfn's!!
Just a very quick entry - Af showed up this morning. Yes im very disappointed but now i am feeling more positive and gearing up for a new cycle. And, the good thing is, where my cycles have changed so much, bf wont be on nights when i O - Yayyyy!!!!
Well, i got a prediction from Cheri
"I am seeing GIRL and JUNE, so that is either birth month, concieve month or the month you find out in. I am leaning towards this being EDD, as I feel its closer to 8 months ttc.......
When it comes to your daughter, I see a girl who has a good attitude about life. Shes someone who has a good sense of humor, someone who is very happy to just be, and is always looking on the bright side. Would tell you that shes fairly "small" for her size, shes going to always be on the petitie size, but has a big heart., I think that you will find that she has more of a lighter color hair and has more than one tone to it. I think that its naturally highlighted. Shes very good with just going with the flow. I think that you will find that she is able to comprimise and just go with what the majority suggests. I think that shes very versatile, and is always willing to try and make things wrok so that everyone is happy.
I think that you will find that shes very polite, well spoken and has a softer voice. Shes not very demanding or arguementative.
When it comes to career paths, i see her as a medical office assitant.
When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 26 (he is going to be about 3 years older) and they will have two girls of their own. "
I cant believe it! Perhaps its a sign or something. My fertility monitor broke a couple of days ago - i rely on it so much. Perhaps this is a signal to say i should stop testing and just 'let it happen'. So, thats what im going to do. Im not going to stop temping or visiting pg.org lol but i will obviously not be using the monitor every day and i wont start using the OPKs (even though i have some in my drawer). I admitedly used one a day or so ago but no more! You never know, it might actually work.
Mon 18th June 07 - Well i had a bit of a falling out with bf last night. And i will put my hands up and admit it was mainly my fault.
My o day is any day now, and knowing this, i planned to make sure we bd'ed every night. So last night i approach bf (in bed lol) and he says he is too tired and he is going to sleep. Immediately this gets me so angry and upset, i cant even bear to be the same room as him. He is on early shifts and had just done two 12 hour days so he probably was knackered. This was at 10pm and he had to be up by 5am. I knew it wasnt his fault and that i was being quite demanding but was so upset. All i keep thinking is that everytime its O time, there is such that small chance to catch that egg and we miss it.
So, i took my pillow and my quilt and went to the sofa. I didnt exactly tell him why i was doing this, i just stormed off. He knew what was wrong but wanted to hear me say it but i just couldnt find the words. I then realised after my dramatic exit i had left my BBT thermometer in the bedroom! I went back in and bf grabbed me and hugged my, he kept asking what was wrong and why am i crying. I cant explain it, but i just couldnt find any words to tell him im fed up with being so obsessed with the whole ttc thing and am getting so annoyed that he cant just 'do it' for the sake of getting our bfp. I wanted to scream he doesnt want this as much as me!! He said i know whats wrong but i want to hear you say it. I still couldnt! In the end he must have got fed up with asking me over and over again with no response so he got a little annoyed agin, and was like how can i help if you cant even talk to me!!! I know he is right but again it comes down to a man just doesnt understand the complete emotional turmoil this leaves us feeling. I went back out to the living room and waited for him to go to sleep. And i had a long think and took a hard look at whats happening. Im so obsessed with this im loosing sight of what really matters, me and him. Its causing tension and arguments as every time he cant bd im panicking we will miss our window and i end up getting annoyed with him. We have this every month and its not fair on him. So, whilst im not stopping ttc, i am giving up temping, opk's, my fertilitymonitor and everything that i use for ttc. Yes i will still keep taking my pre-natals as that is the sensible thing to do, and i will still be visiting pg.org as there are alot of lovely ladies here ive come to know. You never know, it may just happen. I dont have any illusions that im suddenly going to be non-obsessive, but im going to try and be less-obsessive!! I guess i need to be a little more understanding of bf - i dont want to ruin what we have in my quest for a bfp.
Still feeling really low about the whole ttc thing. Giving up all the fm, opks, temping etc was meant to make me relax but i just feel worse!! I feel like i have given up. I know this isnt the case but im so lost at the moment. I have 3 ppl at work who are pg now and i cant even forget about it there - i ended up in tears yesterday to my friend who knows im ttc.
Its not fair!!!!! My body is telling me im o'ing today i think, im sure i have o pains! And my ewcm is just great - it has been the last couple of days!! AND I CANT BD!! Grrrrrr!!
Bf is on still too tired cos of work commitments. Im still finding this so hard, ignoring the perfect time!