Baby Fever. The obsession that seems to strick many a women off guard. It comes out of no where. One minute you're living it up in the couple life, next thing you know, you're banging like rabbits because you have to be a trio damnit.
Welcome to my journal. My name's Kati, my future husband's name is David. We will be trying for our first child in September. We're hoping for a honeymoon baby.
I suppose a little bit of background history is in order. We did suffer an ectopic pregnancy back in November, that resulted in the loss of my right tube, and overall a highly stressful month or so. The pregnancy was not planned, but was a blessing none the less. Ever since that time, I've been experiencing 'bouts of baby fever.
I was always one of those girls who swore she wouldn't have a child right after getting married. I wanted to wait til I was at least 28. Cause yes, you get to do things by yourselves again when you retire, but heck you're body retires too! However time, and love has changed that. I have a bit of an age difference with David, so if we're going to have children now is the time. Overall it really doesn't bother me to start sooner, at this rate I don't think I could wait 5.5 years.
So far the babyfever comes and goes, it can be provoked by almost anything. A baby story on TLC, or those adorably cute commericials that pop up all over the TV, someone walking with a stroller. It's a consuming fire that no tylenol is ever going to cool off.
I recently went off the pill. And I swear, knowing that I have less than a month before I can try, is killing me. I mean it's like wow! We're really going to do this, I'm really going to be a human incubator for nine months. Then there's the fears, what if I have another ectopic, what if something's wrong with the child, hell what if I can't even have kids.
All of these are unanswered questions that only time will tell. Til then however I remain happily addicted, and counting down the days. I originally swore to myself that I'd just let it happen. I wouldn't be attacking my husband on the days of ovulation. However as soon as he tried showing me an ovulation calendar all bets were out the window. So yeah, now I'm charting, obsessing, resisting going into Babies R'Us, (Horribly addicting store mind you) looking for various pregnancy communities to go to, and gosh knows what else. When I'm online, my mind is seldom elsewhere.
So I invite those who'd like to read, to come along with me on my journey. I'll try and keep you entertained.
Overall, pretty tired at the moment. Could definately use either a nice shower or bath. Overall had a pretty nice day. We went to the zoo, which wasn't too bad. Although I do feel they could keep up their exhibits a little bit better, however the baby polar bear was too cute.
And I swear I have never seen so many young children in my life. Overall did pretty well, the baby fever's pretty dormant at the moment so that's nice.
Learned my brother & his wife won't be coming to Hawaii with us, which I had sort of expected considering they've been avoiding the question for roughly three months now. Overall, it's sad, but I would rather them do what's best for them. And a weekend trip to Hawaii doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. I do wish they would of came out with it sooner though instead of waiting to the last minute.
So today was long. Work was kinda busy... Not to mention I've done something to my back that I can't quite figure out. I thought I pulled a muscle or something, but it's just not getting better. I tried taking a hot bath, but that only helped temporarily. Overall I'm confused.
I'm having a hard time following my CM.... primarily because I don't know the difference between all the types. Overall, it's odd. I suppose it's not such a huge deal right now since we're not trying. However it's important that I don't get pregnant this month as well. We bd sunday night, but I believe it will be fine. I haven't o'd yet, so I think everything's okay.
Other than that. Can't believe it's august already, time flies. Lots going on this month so it should be quite fun.
Had a very vivid dream last night.... although it didn't quite make a whole lot of sense. Not that many dreams do. It was me and the DH.... and we had a little baby boy. Although the age varied. One moment he was a newborn, and the next moment he had to be about a year old. He was incredibly adorable.... although we were at my parents house which was a bit odd as well.
I woke up shorty before having to temp, and I must say it was a very peaceful dream. I don't know if that's a sign for the future.... but it was refreshing.
I'll admit I have some fears about becoming a mother. I really have very limited baby experience. I was the youngest in the family, and while I did have a few younger cousins I don't remember them as babies. I've never changed a diaper, never fed a baby, never even babysat one for more than 10 minutes. I honestly will have no clue what to do. In this aspect the DH is much more accomplished at this fact than I am. Overall I find that quite nervewracking.
I'm kinda nervous. I've been reading online about birth defects and how they increase when the male is over 40. Well, DH is gonna be 47 in a few weeks. And I'll admit this is probaly one of my biggest fears.
Side Note - Considering probaly not many people know this. I have quite an age difference with my DH. Some probaly would refer to is as robbing the cradle. I realize some people are disgusted by such a fact, and overall I really don't know how to explain it anyone. Other than I love him. I've never been so close to anyone in my life. I trust him completely and cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I'm not about to pass up a love like this, just because it doesn't fit neatly into society's view of a proper relationship.
Anywho... I don't know how I would handle having a child with a birth defect. I'm literally terrified of it. Now I realize it can happen regardless of age, so that's really not a big issue. I mean technically if I want to play the number game, according to my doctor I'm 10 times more likely to experience another ectopic than the average person. Those aren't exactly good statistics either.
I suppose we'll see how the whole thing goes. I mean obviously we got pregnant once before, so fertility on either side doesn't seem to be a large issue.
I just worry that time may be against me, and the one thing that I really want, may be something I'll never have.
So my chart is totally off.... Which annoys me. Apparently my thermometer isn't saving the previous temps like I thought it was. So the last three days were pretty much worthless. Of course this has to come at the time when I've either already o'd or pretty close. I had pains the other night, so I was almost certain I o'd yesterday. I took my temp a 2nd time today, although it was no where near my normal time, and it was elevated. So we'll see what tommorow brings I guess.
Overall not such a bit deal since we're not trying this month. However it frustrates me because I wanted to have this charting stuff down before we did try. I mean I wanna make sure we're at least bd'ing at the correct time.
That's dissappointing as well. I was hoping my O time would fall while we're in Hawaii. However it's looking like it's gonna fall at least a week before that. On the other hand, I'll know if I'm pg before we leave Hawaii. So I'll have to take a test with me. We'll see I suppose.
So my charts are totally screwed up, and it's really frustrating me. I suppose I'll have to start clean next month. I'm pretty sure I o'd today or yesterday due to the ovulation pains... However I'm not quite sure do my screwed up temps, although I did have EWCM so we'll see. I suppose I'll still know if my temp goes up. We'll see.
Other than that, had a golf lesson today! Overall it was pretty fun, I schedule another one. I'd like to be semi-decent when we go to hawaii so we'll see what comes of it all. Other than that, went tanning... which i always hate doing. It always freaks me out, however I refuse to be the color of my wedding dress.
So... why is it everytime I try to fall asleep my mind wanders off into babyland? I'm thinking about how my O time isn't going to fall when I want it to next month, and then what if I do get pregnant next month? We'll be in hawaii when I find out, and I'm supposed to go to the doctor right away, and most likely we wouldn't be back for almost a week after that, and then with the insurance thing. Mind you I have decent insurance, but DH's is better, and so is that considered a pre-existing condition.... And so on, so thus, no sleep for me.
On another spectrum....
Personal Observations 1st month off of BCP
1. Hello boobs! Apparently you've been dead most of my adult life, because suddenly I notice your presence again. And while the extra sensistity is nice, I don't really care for the sore boob feeling.
2. Random weight loss. Totally a plus, however I find it very hard to believe that all my weight loss troubles were attributed to hormones. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, however being the hypochondriac I am, I'm all like what if its cause of something else.
3. Pizza face. Ahh.... the joys of acne. You've cursed me all my life, when I finally thought you had primarily left me, you return with a vengence, so I'm yet again forced to slab multiple chemical lotions all of my face.
4. Actual Moods. Granted before I did have some minor mood swings, however today I noticed actually having one. Woke up in a decent mood, however work totally crashed this.... although I suppose it could of been work more so than lack of BCP.
5. Sex! Finally I don't feel like damn nun, seriously I hated playing the field dry, not to mention the warm up took forever. It's nice to have a body that loves me again.
Seriously it seems like everywhere I read this past couple days people are talking about BFP's or thinking maybe they're pregnant. I think it's getting to me.
So we really didn't try this month... however we didn't really not try either. So that leads to the past three days and the oddness of it all. The past two days I've been incredibly tired... I slept 9 hours and could of easily just stayed in bed. Now this could be related to a variety of things, the fact that it's been raining and really is perfect sleeping weather outside, or it could mean impending AF. Mind you that's never been an AF symptom for me, but it's been a while since I've had a natural period... however even in the three years ago when I wasn't really taking BCP I don't remember that happening. Then there's the nausea... not so bad today, but last night? And the couple days before that, ugh.... also possible AF symptom, or heck just a baby on the brain symptom.
Then comes the sleep pattern for the past week or so. Insomnia quite a few times earlier in the week, then a few days of sleeping like rock. And then yesterday regardless of how tired I was, I slept like crap. Woke up every hour, felt like I didn't sleep at all. So I find that interesting as well.
Then comes the abdomen feelings. Cramping, pinching, etc.... this makes me think AF, but I must admit after reading symptoms online it almost makes me hopeful. Also would attribute to my mood swings last week.
So we'll see how tommorow goes. I'm not willing to test yet because I wanna wait til I would be actually missing AF, so I'm thinking thursday? And part of me is a bit nervous about it. It's kinda like really? I hate to get my hopes up and then have AF rear her ugly her a bit later. Then how to tell DH considering we weren't really trying, however I figure he's a big boy he can do the math on that one. Not to mention I know he'll be happy.
So we'll see.... I'm trying to not get my hopes up for a let down, but hey anything's possible right?
However I tested at work today because I couldn't hold out any longer, and got a BFN. So I don't know if it's been too soon, because I didn't do it in the morning, or who knows.
So it's still pretty much in the air. Still having nausea, gassiness, slightly sore boobs, and fatigue. However it's still all quite possible that those are side effects of BCP or AF. So basically I still know nothing.
I'm hoping I'm not one of those girls who's first cycle off of BCP continues on for a while. However I'm pretty sure I o'd due to cm and possible o pains, not to mention the random extremely sore boobs. However I'm not sure of my O time at all.... FF says day 11. So technically wouldn't I get a BFP by now if that's true? Because that was 18dpo.... however if I actually o'd on day 14, I suppose I could still have a few days left, or if I even o'd later who knows.
So basically I'll sit here twiddling my thumbs.
To be honest I'd be happy with either. A BFP would be wonderful, however I'm prepared if AF shows herself. Because then I'll be able to start over to do the charting properly, maybe even some opk's, and I'll be able to take some classes in january. Not to mention that'll hopefully mean BCP didn't screw up my cycles too bad.