The Baby Addiction

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Chatakat's picture
Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129
The Baby Addiction

Baby Fever. The obsession that seems to strick many a women off guard. It comes out of no where. One minute you're living it up in the couple life, next thing you know, you're banging like rabbits because you have to be a trio damnit.

Welcome to my journal. My name's Kati, my future husband's name is David. We will be trying for our first child in September. We're hoping for a honeymoon baby.

I suppose a little bit of background history is in order. We did suffer an ectopic pregnancy back in November, that resulted in the loss of my right tube, and overall a highly stressful month or so. The pregnancy was not planned, but was a blessing none the less. Ever since that time, I've been experiencing 'bouts of baby fever.

I was always one of those girls who swore she wouldn't have a child right after getting married. I wanted to wait til I was at least 28. Cause yes, you get to do things by yourselves again when you retire, but heck you're body retires too! However time, and love has changed that. I have a bit of an age difference with David, so if we're going to have children now is the time. Overall it really doesn't bother me to start sooner, at this rate I don't think I could wait 5.5 years.

So far the babyfever comes and goes, it can be provoked by almost anything. A baby story on TLC, or those adorably cute commericials that pop up all over the TV, someone walking with a stroller. It's a consuming fire that no tylenol is ever going to cool off.

I recently went off the pill. And I swear, knowing that I have less than a month before I can try, is killing me. I mean it's like wow! We're really going to do this, I'm really going to be a human incubator for nine months. Then there's the fears, what if I have another ectopic, what if something's wrong with the child, hell what if I can't even have kids.

All of these are unanswered questions that only time will tell. Til then however I remain happily addicted, and counting down the days. I originally swore to myself that I'd just let it happen. I wouldn't be attacking my husband on the days of ovulation. However as soon as he tried showing me an ovulation calendar all bets were out the window. So yeah, now I'm charting, obsessing, resisting going into Babies R'Us, (Horribly addicting store mind you) looking for various pregnancy communities to go to, and gosh knows what else. When I'm online, my mind is seldom elsewhere.

So I invite those who'd like to read, to come along with me on my journey. I'll try and keep you entertained.

Chatakat's picture
Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

Overall, pretty tired at the moment. Could definately use either a nice shower or bath. Overall had a pretty nice day. We went to the zoo, which wasn't too bad. Although I do feel they could keep up their exhibits a little bit better, however the baby polar bear was too cute.

And I swear I have never seen so many young children in my life. Overall did pretty well, the baby fever's pretty dormant at the moment so that's nice.

Learned my brother & his wife won't be coming to Hawaii with us, which I had sort of expected considering they've been avoiding the question for roughly three months now. Overall, it's sad, but I would rather them do what's best for them. And a weekend trip to Hawaii doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. I do wish they would of came out with it sooner though instead of waiting to the last minute.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

So today was long. Work was kinda busy... Not to mention I've done something to my back that I can't quite figure out. I thought I pulled a muscle or something, but it's just not getting better. I tried taking a hot bath, but that only helped temporarily. Overall I'm confused.

I'm having a hard time following my CM.... primarily because I don't know the difference between all the types. Overall, it's odd. I suppose it's not such a huge deal right now since we're not trying. However it's important that I don't get pregnant this month as well. We bd sunday night, but I believe it will be fine. I haven't o'd yet, so I think everything's okay.

Other than that. Can't believe it's august already, time flies. Lots going on this month so it should be quite fun.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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Had a very vivid dream last night.... although it didn't quite make a whole lot of sense. Not that many dreams do. It was me and the DH.... and we had a little baby boy. Although the age varied. One moment he was a newborn, and the next moment he had to be about a year old. He was incredibly adorable.... although we were at my parents house which was a bit odd as well.

I woke up shorty before having to temp, and I must say it was a very peaceful dream. I don't know if that's a sign for the future.... but it was refreshing.

I'll admit I have some fears about becoming a mother. I really have very limited baby experience. I was the youngest in the family, and while I did have a few younger cousins I don't remember them as babies. I've never changed a diaper, never fed a baby, never even babysat one for more than 10 minutes. I honestly will have no clue what to do. In this aspect the DH is much more accomplished at this fact than I am. Overall I find that quite nervewracking.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

I'm kinda nervous. I've been reading online about birth defects and how they increase when the male is over 40. Well, DH is gonna be 47 in a few weeks. And I'll admit this is probaly one of my biggest fears.

Side Note - Considering probaly not many people know this. I have quite an age difference with my DH. Some probaly would refer to is as robbing the cradle. I realize some people are disgusted by such a fact, and overall I really don't know how to explain it anyone. Other than I love him. I've never been so close to anyone in my life. I trust him completely and cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I'm not about to pass up a love like this, just because it doesn't fit neatly into society's view of a proper relationship.

Anywho... I don't know how I would handle having a child with a birth defect. I'm literally terrified of it. Now I realize it can happen regardless of age, so that's really not a big issue. I mean technically if I want to play the number game, according to my doctor I'm 10 times more likely to experience another ectopic than the average person. Those aren't exactly good statistics either.

I suppose we'll see how the whole thing goes. I mean obviously we got pregnant once before, so fertility on either side doesn't seem to be a large issue.

I just worry that time may be against me, and the one thing that I really want, may be something I'll never have.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

So my chart is totally off.... Which annoys me. Apparently my thermometer isn't saving the previous temps like I thought it was. So the last three days were pretty much worthless. Of course this has to come at the time when I've either already o'd or pretty close. I had pains the other night, so I was almost certain I o'd yesterday. I took my temp a 2nd time today, although it was no where near my normal time, and it was elevated. So we'll see what tommorow brings I guess.

Overall not such a bit deal since we're not trying this month. However it frustrates me because I wanted to have this charting stuff down before we did try. I mean I wanna make sure we're at least bd'ing at the correct time.

That's dissappointing as well. I was hoping my O time would fall while we're in Hawaii. However it's looking like it's gonna fall at least a week before that. On the other hand, I'll know if I'm pg before we leave Hawaii. So I'll have to take a test with me. We'll see I suppose.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

So my charts are totally screwed up, and it's really frustrating me. I suppose I'll have to start clean next month. I'm pretty sure I o'd today or yesterday due to the ovulation pains... However I'm not quite sure do my screwed up temps, although I did have EWCM so we'll see. I suppose I'll still know if my temp goes up. We'll see.

Other than that, had a golf lesson today! Overall it was pretty fun, I schedule another one. I'd like to be semi-decent when we go to hawaii so we'll see what comes of it all. Other than that, went tanning... which i always hate doing. It always freaks me out, however I refuse to be the color of my wedding dress.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

So... why is it everytime I try to fall asleep my mind wanders off into babyland? I'm thinking about how my O time isn't going to fall when I want it to next month, and then what if I do get pregnant next month? We'll be in hawaii when I find out, and I'm supposed to go to the doctor right away, and most likely we wouldn't be back for almost a week after that, and then with the insurance thing. Mind you I have decent insurance, but DH's is better, and so is that considered a pre-existing condition.... And so on, so thus, no sleep for me.

On another spectrum....

Personal Observations 1st month off of BCP

1. Hello boobs! Apparently you've been dead most of my adult life, because suddenly I notice your presence again. And while the extra sensistity is nice, I don't really care for the sore boob feeling.

2. Random weight loss. Totally a plus, however I find it very hard to believe that all my weight loss troubles were attributed to hormones. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, however being the hypochondriac I am, I'm all like what if its cause of something else.

3. Pizza face. Ahh.... the joys of acne. You've cursed me all my life, when I finally thought you had primarily left me, you return with a vengence, so I'm yet again forced to slab multiple chemical lotions all of my face.

4. Actual Moods. Granted before I did have some minor mood swings, however today I noticed actually having one. Woke up in a decent mood, however work totally crashed this.... although I suppose it could of been work more so than lack of BCP.

5. Sex! Finally I don't feel like damn nun, seriously I hated playing the field dry, not to mention the warm up took forever. It's nice to have a body that loves me again.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

Babies on the brain....

Seriously it seems like everywhere I read this past couple days people are talking about BFP's or thinking maybe they're pregnant. I think it's getting to me.

So we really didn't try this month... however we didn't really not try either. So that leads to the past three days and the oddness of it all. The past two days I've been incredibly tired... I slept 9 hours and could of easily just stayed in bed. Now this could be related to a variety of things, the fact that it's been raining and really is perfect sleeping weather outside, or it could mean impending AF. Mind you that's never been an AF symptom for me, but it's been a while since I've had a natural period... however even in the three years ago when I wasn't really taking BCP I don't remember that happening. Then there's the nausea... not so bad today, but last night? And the couple days before that, ugh.... also possible AF symptom, or heck just a baby on the brain symptom.

Then comes the sleep pattern for the past week or so. Insomnia quite a few times earlier in the week, then a few days of sleeping like rock. And then yesterday regardless of how tired I was, I slept like crap. Woke up every hour, felt like I didn't sleep at all. So I find that interesting as well.

Then comes the abdomen feelings. Cramping, pinching, etc.... this makes me think AF, but I must admit after reading symptoms online it almost makes me hopeful. Also would attribute to my mood swings last week.

So we'll see how tommorow goes. I'm not willing to test yet because I wanna wait til I would be actually missing AF, so I'm thinking thursday? And part of me is a bit nervous about it. It's kinda like really? I hate to get my hopes up and then have AF rear her ugly her a bit later. Then how to tell DH considering we weren't really trying, however I figure he's a big boy he can do the math on that one. Not to mention I know he'll be happy.

So we'll see.... I'm trying to not get my hopes up for a let down, but hey anything's possible right?

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Joined: 07/14/07
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So first off... still no AF.

However I tested at work today because I couldn't hold out any longer, and got a BFN. So I don't know if it's been too soon, because I didn't do it in the morning, or who knows.

So it's still pretty much in the air. Still having nausea, gassiness, slightly sore boobs, and fatigue. However it's still all quite possible that those are side effects of BCP or AF. So basically I still know nothing.

I'm hoping I'm not one of those girls who's first cycle off of BCP continues on for a while. However I'm pretty sure I o'd due to cm and possible o pains, not to mention the random extremely sore boobs. However I'm not sure of my O time at all.... FF says day 11. So technically wouldn't I get a BFP by now if that's true? Because that was 18dpo.... however if I actually o'd on day 14, I suppose I could still have a few days left, or if I even o'd later who knows.

So basically I'll sit here twiddling my thumbs.

To be honest I'd be happy with either. A BFP would be wonderful, however I'm prepared if AF shows herself. Because then I'll be able to start over to do the charting properly, maybe even some opk's, and I'll be able to take some classes in january. Not to mention that'll hopefully mean BCP didn't screw up my cycles too bad.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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Ugh... two posts in one day, obsess much?

So yeah, I must admit I'm insanely obsessing here... I always try and be nonchalant, but I swear it's like a addiction... it just won't get out of my mind. Every little bout of nausea, gas, or a twinge here and I'm like is that AF coming? Or is it pregnancy pains?

We bd'd tonight, and I had some cramping beforehand, and I'm like is AF coming?

Seriously, considering we weren't even trying this month, and were initially gonna try and not bd around o time, this is ridiculous. I can imagine me next month... I have a feeling even though I said "let it happpen" that I'm going to be charting, temping, and cm checking like nobody's business. I have a feeling that's going to be a bit difficult due to time changes.

I wanna make sure I take my temp tommorow properly just to see where it's sitting. In all honesty I usually have a low temp anyways, so I have a feeling that 98/99 would be odd for me. We'll see though... I just need to get back on the bandwagon with that one.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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*sighs*

So still no AF.... which is good I suppose.. However another BFN, actually done in the morning this time. Still hope I suppose, considering I don't know when I ovulated, it's always possible that I o'd sometime last week, and this would still be way to early to test. However... I don't know why I'd start having symptoms already if that were to be the case.

So the symptoms remain remotely the same. A big wave of nausea this morning, slept like a rock, and pretty tired/foggy feeling. Although I did notice something new maybe...

(TMI WARNING)

The veins in my boobs seem darker, like seriously I never noticed one running right down the front left side of my left boob. However to be honest I've never really looked that close either. The only times I do pay some attention is when I remember to do a self breast exam.

So I'm still hopeful. I have one test left, that I figure I'll try and save til maybe saturday, or monday. We'll see... I figure I'll mention something to DH on friday too. Just so I don't have to explain why I'm not drinking on saturday's bbq.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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Well my temp dropped down to 97.5..... however still no AF. Quite honestly at this point, I wish something would happen. I'm making myself miserable, trying to figure out if I'm pg or not. I'm thinking not and that it's been the hormonal changes from BCP. If AF is coming, I wish she'd so.... because that means we'll officially be TTC.

I'm actually feeling in a somewhat better mood about it all today, so we'll see how it all goes.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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*sighs*

So still no AF.... (big surprise huh)

Temp went back up to 97.9. I am up an hour earlier than usual, so if I do the temp corrector it's 98.8.... so we'll see. I should be able to get up at the proper time tommorow. My schedule has just been screwy this week. I'm sure that doesn't help with this whole bit.

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Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 129

Still no af, and my temp went up to 98.3...

So who knows. I figure I'll tell DH today that my period's late, but I don't think I'll test til monday unless he insists. I feel sorta weird telling him that considering we weren't trying, but I suppose he should understand the mechanics of things regardless.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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So I've pretty much owned up to the fact that I'm probaly not pregnant.... I tested yesterday and it was still negative. Not to mention temp dropped a lot today, so I'm hoping AF will come tommorow. It's odd to say I'm hoping for AF, but I really wanna move on to the next month. Because we'll be officially trying, and I want to be a lot better with my charting so I have a better idea of what's going on.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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I'm still waiting.... my temp dropped down to around 97.7 and has been in that general area for the past three days, however still no AF... No real cramps or anything yet either. While most of my cramps come my 1st day of AF, I still normally get a few the day before it starts. I figure I'll tell DH tonight that my period is late, but I highly doubt I'm pregnant.

I can't say this is my longest cycle ever.... I did have one last July that was six weeks long. I'm just so ready to officially TTC, that I just wanna get it started. However if it doesn't start til the end of the week, and I O on the 14 day average, it would be perfect timing.... however I just want my period damnit.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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*bangs head on door*

I was so determined that AF was coming... I had cramping, and all that fun stuff... temp was going down. Til today, it jumped up to 98.3. So now I'm totally and utterly confused.... I'm partially wondering if that cramping wasn't AF cramping, and it was actually me O'ing.

If so that probaly means I'm out this month, because I really wasn't prepared for that happening so we didn't really bd around that time at all. I suppose it's somewhat possible, but very unlikely in my opinion.

*sighs*

Also means my period will be due to start when we leave. That's gonna be tons of fun 10 hours on a plane while on my period. Hopefully it stops by the wedding day.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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Rollercoaster ride anyone? So today was 97.5.... I'm totally annoyed and frustrated which isn't helping I'm sure.

And still no AF.... mind you most of my AF's start in the evening.... I'm just so ready to be normal. I hate this. I should of gone off of it in June apparently.

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So the anno cycle continues.... day 40 now, and so not enjoying it. I can't believe I'm actually upset about not having a period. I keep on feeling like AF is on it's way, but nothing happens. I have cramping, sore boobs, the whole kit n' kaboodle and yeah here I am without even some spotting. Overall not making me feel too hot because if AF doesn't come soon, and I do manage to ovulate next cycle.... we'll be out of the time range while we're in hawaii. So that's totally depressing me.

Other than that just gotta get through the next three days of work and I should be a fairly happy person regardless. That'll leave just about a week til we leave, so I'm totally excited about that.

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Joined: 07/14/07
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So AF finally showed up, and I must admit I was totally surprised by it. I took my temp yesterday morning, and it was 98.1. Everything I've read always tells me it will drop down before AF comes, so I figured it was just the start of more rocky temps. And low and behold, I started bleeding.

Overall I was really excited. I told DF I'm finally normal! So hopefully I'll O this cycle, and it won't end up being another anno one. Hard to tell so far, due to the fact I've only had two temps, but overall I'm hopeful.

Other than that, one week til we leave for hawaii! And I'm getting really excited. Tommorow's my last day at my full time job, and I'm definately ready for it. I still have on day at my part-time one so that's not too bad. Also the girls at that job are throwing me a party friday night, so that should be fun. Then it'll be time to actually starting cleaning, planning, visiting people, and packing! I can't believe it's almost here.

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Cycle Day 6.

So two days til we leave, overall I'm really excited.... although I'm having a hard time sleeping because of it. I have a few errands to run tommorow, and then it'll be time to pack. I can't believe I'm getting married this weekend, it's all just seems surreal. To be honest it feels like we just got engaged. Overall I'm happy with the fact we chose to do a destination wedding, but I've come to the conclusion no matter what time of wedding you have someone will not be happy.

I may end up telling my supposed best friend off tommorow. I was really hoping we could salvage our friendship, but obviously we can't. I just can't handle her negativity anymore, she says she cares about other people, but I really don't think she does. Maybe she does to a point, but I don't think she can see around what she needs. I really feel this stems from her own insecurity, but I've been putting this moment off for the past year. I just can't have a close friendship with someone who is so negative.

Other than that, temps are looking pretty good so far... much more stable than they were last cycle. I'm pretty hopeful I'll O, but to be honest I'm okay if I don't. I'm definately not as obsessive as I was last cycle. I have a feeling because I'm just looking forward to relaxing and spending time with my soon to be DH.

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So the day went pretty well. I got a lot done, and probaly spent a bit more money than needed.... although I still need to run to CVS and get an umbrella. Saw my friend and didn't tell her off, although it was definately awkward.... she didn't even really ask about the wedding. She asked me if I got my shoes and that was about it. I don't even think she could tell someone what islands we're going to. So yeah, shows how much she cares huh?

Other than that, tommorow's looking like a funfilled day of packing and cleaning. Can't believe it, only one day left and then we're hawaiian bound! Overall, I can't wait! I'm so in need of this vacation.

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So we're home! Definately was a wonderful trip. The wedding turned out goregous, everything I could of hoped for. I can't wait til I get some pictures back. However I think I should of planned to just stay on Maui, the island hopping was a bit too much for us. We were pretty ready to come home. It definatley feels good to be in the house. Although I'm not looking forward to going back to work on tuesday.

As for my cycles. I really don't have any clue what's going on. AF came on September 4th, which was perfect because if I o'd it would fall when we were in hawaii. Well, all was going well until the 18th. I started spotting.... and AF came yet again. Well here I am on day 12 now, and yeah guess what happened today? More spotting, I'm hoping it doesn't end up being another AF. If it does end up that way, I'll be calling the Dr on Monday to see what can be done, or if I'm just supposed to wait it out. overall it's pretty frustrating.

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Yeah, so the third visit from the witch this month. Overall quite frustrated because I pretty much feel like shit. I'm tired, cramping, digestion sucks.... so yeah. I will give it a bit longer and then I'm going to go and see my Dr.

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So I'm feeling a bit down today....

The day overall wasn't horrible, I actually had fun at times today. Although it did remind why I don't like my job. I really don't like mean people, I just seriously wanted to tell this guy to shut the **** up. I know this may make me sound inconsiderate, but I just can't stand it. I mean I understand he's in pain, he's miserable, he's been wronged by doctors, however do not ****ing take it out on me and talk to me like I'm a moron when you don't speak clearly. Thus, why I hate my job. As awful as it sounds, I hate patients most of the time more than anything. I hate people thinking I'm their maid.

However other than that, I'm feeling a bit blue about the whole TTC. Going back to work reminded me why I need to go back to school. However I'm not so sure I'll be able to do it. I mean yeah, I can go back, but I'm not a good student. I don't enjoy school. Going to work full time and doing online classes will be hard. Not to mention obviously we want children soon. Am I asking for too much? Is it possible to do it all? I can't possibly ask David to take over all the financial costs, take on baby care/costs. It's totally not fair to him or our future children. At the same time I can't see staying in the job I'm in. Say I go part-time/contingent at both jobs and have a kid. I wouldn't stay that way forever. So that means eventually I'll be in the same place I am now. So I feel like it comes down to what do I want more? A child, or a happy workplace.

My current goal is to still actively TTC. Stay full time at work, do online classes part time, and see how it goes. Either way I can get one semester in... I really need to see if I can still get reimbursed for the schooling through work if I'm not full time. If I can manage it on part time, then I could still make the same amount between both jobs if I worked full time at one. Overall, it's a rough situation, and I feel like I'm leaping around on rocks hoping I don't fall in. I really don't want to wait 5 years to TTC again... David's older and I really don't think that's fair to our children to sacrifice the time/ability he'll b able to spend with him because I want more. Then is it fair to have children at the same time and still want more? I just really don't know right now.

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So I got a partial email back from Cheri. It said June - Girl. Personally hoping she's wrong, considering my cycle started on Sept 30th.... because that would mean June wouldn't be an EDD, it would be a conception date. I really don't want to wait that long. However we'll see, I suppose it's all in fun. At this point I'll just be happy if I ovulate.

In other news went to a wedding tonight, and while it was beautiful. So glad I did not have a formal wedding, my goodness that is just not for me. I had so much fun at my wedding, and I just don't think I would of cared for all the formalities. Also realizing I really need to start exercising.... I so need to loose a few pounds.

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blah.... soooo tired. Could totally go to bed right now, and just sleep the night away.

In other news... feeling a bit weird. I've been having discomfort/pains on my right side. Now mind you I always feel much more on this side anyways even before the ectopic. However you would think removing a tube would change some of that, however my ovary tends to disagree... I'm slightly concerned due to the fact that's how all my other previous billion periods started was with pains/cramps on that side. Hopefully it's not that, perhaps me getting ready to O. However if I do manage to get another period, it will definately be time to call the Dr. Regardless of TTC, I have no intentions of suffering through a period every other week.

Other than that, the weekends already over, which is sad. Tried to show my parents wedding pictures last night, but of course the power went out. I didn't even really get to the good ones. So that'll have to wait a few days.

In happy news! My new bedroom set is coming thursday! So excited, although feeling a bit of sticker shock even though everything was on sale. It'll be so nice to sleep on a good mattress and a bigger bed.

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Quite a temp jump today... overall kinda excited, but not entirely getting my hopes up. Went from 97.17 to 97.71. So far the highest temp this cycle, so maybe I o'd yesterday? Didn't notice a whole lot of cm though, although I did have a decent amount yesterday. Not to mention I slept really good last night, so I suppose that could relate as well. So many possibilities, lol. I think I may go out and pick up some opk's today as well.

*crosses fingers* We did manage to BD last night, however that will be the only time in over a week due to the fact we've been busy and tired from jet lag. I'd prefer a bit more than that, however if I did O I suppose it only takes once.

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So I'm 99.9% I o'd or am o'ing.

I made it out to the store and purchased an opk. Tested when I got home, and got a positive! Sooo excited. I'm not so sure DH is, he just kinda looked at me. Although he's not really one to show excitement in the first place. So we'll be BD'ing tonight and hopefully we'll catch it.

I so know I'm going to obsess my ass off now though. If so I should be able to test around the 20th though. The one thing is though, that if I do get pregnant. This will be almost the same time period that I was pregnant w/my ectopic. I find that slightly unnerving. I'm sure I'm going to be paranoid regardless, but to have almost the same exact timeline is weird.

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So it's looking pretty good temp wise. We didn't really manage to BD again last night.... so we'll see what happens. I'm gonna take another OPK today to see if I'm still fertile. Although I'm really thinking it was mostly yesterday due to the large amount of CM I had. Either way sunday night was pretty good timing anyways.

So now comes the 2ww.... never been in one of these so we'll see how I do. I have a feeling I'm going to be totally obsessing and testing way too early. I'm trying to remain positive, even if I don't get a BFP this cycle I'd be okay with it. We didn't really get to time it properly because I wasn't expecting such an early O. I'm still pretty hopeful, and I know it only takes once, but I wish we had gotten a few more chances in there.

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So I hate fighting... especially when your husband is the type who's silent. Now we've had this discussion before when we were both calm and he does it because he doesn't wanna say something he'll regret. However that gets to me ten times worse than if he did say something mean. Primarily because it leaves me to my own thoughts... I probaly made things worse because I basically kept on bugging him to tell me, and stormed off and came back a few times.

I understand now that I've calmed down a bit why what I said offended him. He's a very how do I put it, almost stand up person. He believes what he believes and stands by it. Well he was teasing me about something and first he said it's against my religion, and I said he didn't have one. Well then he said it's against his beliefs, and I said he didn't have any of this and he gets pissed.

I think part of why I got so upset was the whole TTC thing. I mean I finally ovulated, and part of me feels like he doesn't care like it's an inconvience to him. To me it should be loving and romantic, not just let's get it over with. I realize he may be joking a bit, but it kinda hurts my feelings. This is something I really want badly, I don't appreciate it being made fun of. That's like telling someone you wanna be a doctor and then them yelling at you and telling you how stupid it is.

So overall... even though i had another positive opk it's looking like it's all up to that one night.... so I'm not very hopeful.

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Overall a pretty good day.

TTC Stuff - Overall I'm thinking good signs. Had a nice temp spike today, also been having some mild cramping & nausea. Overall I know the nausea could just be from the prenatals, but hey it's my first real 2ww I wanna obsess. Quite honestly I'm really thinking this is it. It feels very similar to when I had my ectopic, except without the constant bleeding lol. I'm a bit nervous about saying that due to the fact I don't wanna sound like a hopeful idiot when AF shows up.

Life Stuff - Got the new bedroom set today. I must say it looks really good. now I just need a nice comforter and all is good. Other than that, gotta work the weekend, but at least I get to sleep in.

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So quite a temp dip today. Still above coverline, but I'm wonder if it's relating to how cold it was upstairs last night to. The thermometer was quite cold when I picked it up. It could also be implantation dip, or it could just be nothing. I suppose I shouldn't stress it, if it is, it is I can't change it now.

So slept on the new bed last night, and not sure what I think yet. My muscles feel pretty good this morning, but it almost feels like I'm going to fall off the bed. Had a bunch of weird dreams. One of them involved TTC... AF came early, so hopefully that's not the case.

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Mmm... temps going back up, so I suppose that's good. Work was blehish last night, much too busy near the end and I was just way too tired. I also noticed some food aversions.... I really wanted some fries, but once I got them.... they really didn't taste that good to me. Although I still ate them, so I don't know if that's really a food aversion.

A coworker told me she's pregnant, so of course now I'm totally wanting it even more. She just found out, so if I manage a BFP this cycle we'd be due only 2 weeks apart. I partially wanna start testing on 8dpo even though I know it's rare to get a BFP that early.... I was originally gonna start testing on wednesday (10dpo)... I may just splurge and test anyways.

Other than that gotta work the next two days, bleh. Not really looking forward to that at all. It only took me two weeks to realize why I don't like my job again.

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Well work wasn't as horrendous as yesterday. Overall it was rather nice. Not much changed on the TTC front. Had some sticky CM, and some mild nausea. However honestly I don't think much of the nausea considering I take prenatals as well. I did put my stats into TCOYF, and they give me an ovulation date of the 10th. Overall I'm more feeling the 8th just based on how I felt.

Not to mention TCOYF totally ignores the fact that I had 3 periods last month. They just continue on like nothings happened, so they have my cycle starting a day later than normal.

I realize I probaly shouldn't be obsessing this much. I guess I never realized how bad I would be about it. I think about it quite a lot during the day and I'm definately a chart stalker lol. Oh well, either way it goes, I'm just happy to have finally ovulated.

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Yay, off tommorow! Never been so glad for a day off. Work wasn't so bad, I just really would like a day off. Planning on going to visit my mother, and show her the professional pictures. Then having dinner with a friend. Overall sounding like a good day.

On the TTC front, still trying to remain hopeful. So far no implantation dip, which I realize isn't necessary and some women never experience any signs. However it would of been nice to see. Overall an odd day, but I really think I'm reading way to into it. Had a mild headache for a bit, some cramping/pulling sensations, and a bit of nausea later on. Of course all can classify as PMS symptoms, however I normally don't experience symptoms until usually 2-3 days before. However I suppose it's possible to have an early AF. Oh well, I'll know by the end of the week.

Other than that, was gonna go to bed, but DH threw miny hissy fit because I was in the bathroom and turned the fan on and it woke him up. He didn't really say much just came downstairs and shut it off and then stormed back upstairs. *sighs* So does that mean the next time his snoring wakes me up I can kick him?

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So... odd day. I felt like crap for most of it. It started off with some mild diarrhea, which made me think AF is on her way. My digestive track used to always get screwed up when my period was due, however that's normally on the first/second day of it all now that I think about it. Still having cramping, later on realized I really didn't feel good. Didn't want anything to eat, was pretty tired, & quite a bit of nausea. Overall... I figure it means one of three things. AF is coming with a vengence. I'm getting sick. Or I'm pregnant. I'll be 9dpo tommorow, so I think I'm gonna test. I won't be surprised if I get a BFN due to it being incredibly early, but heck... it's my first testing cycle I might as well enjoy poas.

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So temp spike this morning! Woot!

Overall feeling a bit better than yesterday, although we'll see how the day goes. I didn't really feel bad til the evening yesterday. Still having something cramping, nausea. Also it feels like I'm a bit jittery this morning as well. Of course I gave in and poas, and of course it was negative. Really don't know what I was thinking, but oh well. It doesn't upset me because I know it's really way too early.

In other news did have a dream about poas last night with the exact same tests I'm using and it was positive, so maybe it's a sign ^^.

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It's getting bad, like really really bad. I just wanna know. I have a feeling I'll poas all week til I either get AF or a BFP. I can't believe how badly I want this.

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So another BFN.... not surprised there either, although I'll admit I was a bit hopeful. However I'm only 10dpo, so I probaly shouldn't be surprised. Feeling pretty decent so far today as well. Had a bit of nausea this morning, and the cramping seems to have died down a bit. So maybe it was implantation cramping? *shrugs* I am having pain where my ectopic was, and that happened the day my period started last time. Temps still up there though...

Overall I'm hopeful, but not sure.

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*sighs*

Another BFN. My chart looks great though, I know it can still be too early. However I'm beginning to loose hope just a bit.... I really feel like I'm pregnant, but I'm beginning to think that my body is just playing a huge ass trick on me and that I've talked myself into the symptoms.

I think I might try and not test this weekend and wait til monday. Then I'd officially be late if AF doesn't show up. I'd really like to find out before DH goes on his work trip for a few days.

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13dpo - BFN.

Well no signs of AF yet, so here's to hoping temps stay up. Not sure if I'm gonna test or not tommorow. I'm still debating it... I'd have to test before I temp, or just not pee all night, which would be hard. I may just wait til monday.

Been having minor cramping, but it's the same cramping I've had the whole time. So who knows... we'll find out eventually right?

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14dpo - 98.4/ Didn't Test

So I'll admit part of me was scared to test. I figure it's just going to be another BFN, so I really didn't want to see it. I'll be honest, I'm expecting AF sometime today. I think that's just me being negative, I really don't have any technical signs. My temp is still up, but I didn't really sleep very good, so it's hard to tell there. No spotting, but I'm having some cramps, but honestly there the same cramps I've had the whole time.

I will be testing tommorow if AF doesn't visit by then. Primarily because I want to know before DH leaves for his trip. He won't be back til thursday. I know some ladies don't get their BFP til really late, it all depends on implantation. However I fear that if tommorow is a negative then well, it probaly isn't happening this cycle. I think AF showing up would make me feel better than another negative....

I do know I will not be temping my LP next cycle, it's just too much stress. It's all I can focus on right now, and that it just not the way I wanna do this.

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Well, she didn't show yet. So I suppose that's a good thing.... temped a little while ago and it was still above 98 so that's good as well. Did see what I think is some minimal, I'm talking more like not even spotting. I'm thinking however that was from Bd'ing and checking cervix. I think I may of scratched myself. I'll definately know in the morning.

Currently getting a headache.... so I'm thinking I'll be going to bed soon. And then we'll see what happens in the am. DH was so cute earlier.

Him - Did you get your period yet?
Me - No
Him - Yay she's pregnant.

Lol, I wish it was that easy. I really wish I knew my LP, at least then I'd be able to tell if this was normal or not. There's been lots of BFP's recently, and while I'm really excited for those people I'm kinda sad I haven't been able to say the same. My Cheri prediction said June & Girl.... Although June was either birth, conception, or month I find out in.... If she's correct and I don't end up pregnant this cycle, that means a 2009 baby. Not sure how I'll do waiting that long. I know I shouldn't give up hope this cycle, but I'm just so confused. I keep on asking myself am I pregnant? And honestly I can't tell. It'll most likely all come down to tommorow, and it's very nervewracking.

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So.... apparently now maybe I'm going backwards?

Well... depending on opinion I'm 15dpo.... and yup, another stark white BFN. I thought maybe I saw something, but on later thought I've decided it's just my mind playing games.

However no sign of AF either, no spotting, no temp drop, nothing. So I asked advice from a FF advisor, and she said it's possible that FF got my O date wrong, and possibly I O'd a few days later on CD 13. Not so sure about CD 13 due to the fact that I have a negative OPK that day... then if you use a different setting it's CD 11, and another it's CD 17. CD 17 is out due to cervix position.... so thus basically I have no clue.

CD 11 isn't too bad for BD timing, not great though. And CD 13 is a long shot. So pretty much I don't know what will be happening. I think I'm just going to temp and see what happens.

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Hmmm... spoke too soon. 99% positive AF is on her way. Overall, to a point it's a relief. It means that I finally know hey this month didn't hit it, so it's time to move on. I really wanna make sure we BD as much as possible this month. Not to mention I think I'm gonna try and focus on other things this month as well. I think maybe starting tommorow I'm gonna go back to the gym. Nothing too strenous, but I think it will make me feel a lot better. I realize loosing weight before getting pregnant, might be pointless, however my life shouldn't stop just because we're TTC.

Also gonna sit down focus on getting things ready for school. I also need to sit down and go through my stuff for the wedding scrapbook. I need to pick out which images I'm going to use...

So overall gonna try and stay positive, and just focus on more than just temping and try to keep myself positive over the anniversary.

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CD1

Overall in a odd mood. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm one way or the other.. I think I've accepted obviously it's on to the next cycle. Guess I kinda just hoped it would happen right away, however I do have some odds against me. Our BD timing wasn't great, not to mention I'm pretty sure I o'd from the tubeless side. While I believe I read somewhere before that you can still get eggs from that side, not sure how accurate that is. So I suppose all I can do this month is work on the schedule some, and I think I'll order some cheapies, so I'm not wasting 50buck a month on HPTs.

Other than that, just trying to get through the day. Very crampy, and just overall wanting to curl up with a nice book or watch TV. Definately not feeling the working day. I miss DH too, I realized last night, that it was the first night in almost 2 years since I've been by myself for a night. It was kinda fun for like two hours, then it got pretty boring. Also need to pick up after myself when I get home, because I tend to be messier when I'm by myself.

Also need to decide what I wanna do exercise wise. I really need to get back into the mode, but I'm not sure how that's going to affect my cycles. I don't wanna loose a lot of weight, just maybe 10lbs or so, and I think I'd be content. So at the least I can start going for 45 minutes again. However the membership expires in December, I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay 700 again to keep it. I used it, but definately not faithfully. However if I don't, I wont' have any option for exercise this winter. It's definately something to think about.

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CD 2 - Didn't temp this morning. And don't plan on it. Yep, the BBT is being locked up this cycle.

Overall, had a pretty crappy day. I'm pretty hormonal right now, and just not dealing with a few things well. Sunday will mark one year since I found that I was pregnant. I really didn't think that this would be as hard for me, as it seems to be. I found myself at various times to keep from crying. Also learned another girl is pregnant. I should be happy for her, however all I can think about is 1 month. She tried once and bam. It just makes me miserable and I feel like such an awful person for being upset about it.

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CD 3.

Overall not a bad day. Had the day off, so that was nice. I originally intended on going to the college and then to my mother's. Well, bed was quite comfy this morning, so I only made my mothers. It was somewhat sentimental going through all my old toys.

After that headed home, had some McDonalds (Something I need to cut out). Then went and picked up our costumes for Halloween & then headed to Michael's to get some scrapbooking supplies. Started out on the 2nd page, not sure how I feel about it at the moment.... I may change a few things.

DH is home, picked him up at the airport. Sad thing is I really won't get to see him too much until Sunday due to our work schedules. So I doubt that we'll sit down and have any life discussions soon. However it definately needs to be done.

Other than that, feeling moody again. I'm beginning to wonder if it's due to AF. It's never really been an issue before, however maybe it's becoming one? I just spent a lot of time talking with my mother today, and I just can't get past how miserable my job makes me. And how much I hate it, I can't believe that I'm exactly where I was a year ago. I moved to a different hospital thinking it was that place that I hated, it turns out that was the job itself. I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to deal with it.

In other news, I think my mother may not be as against us having children as I thought. I originally thought she'd not be for it. However I think her views have changed some. I'm really impressed with the 360 she's done. It also makes me realize that I can't leave her. I thought I'd be okay with it, but I don't want to be that far from her. I like being able to drive over there when need be.

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CD 5

Had a bit of a rough morning. Was feeling pretty crappy this morning, stomach hurt and had a bit of nausea. It felt like my stomach was in my throat. Not really sure what caused that, maybe the pre-natals? Although I thought I drank a decent amount of water with it.

Another girl at work is pregnant. I'm getting better at dealing with this, I'm actually happy for her. However I'm still a bit bitter. We finally sat down and discussed what our plans were for the future. We're not gonna move for a while, because technically we really don't need to. I'll start school part time in January, and will stay full time at my job til next fall, and then I'll drop down to contingent/part-time. As for TTC we'll continue trying, and if it happens it happens. So overall I'm really happy with this decision. DH's biggest fear was that we'd start school, get pregnant, and then me not wanna go back to school. However I think I would still want to, because I don't want to be a STAH mom forever.

Looks like AF is pretty much out the door so that's good. If O comes around the same time I'll be looking at the 2ww soon.

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