Back to the waiting game, after the loss of my angel :(

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Back to the waiting game, after the loss of my angel :(

Wow, I never thought that the day would come when I would be starting a TTC journal, the time has gone so fast :shock: You see, I have been lurking around on pg org for a long time now, just waiting for my time and now it has almost arrived.

I guess that I should introduce myself to anybody who may be reading this Wink My name is Kerry, I'm 24 (25 on the 13th June!) and married to Mark who is 33. We have been married for nearly 21 months, but have been together for 7 years next month. We have a little boy, Connor, who was 2 on the 26th of May. He is the absolute light of our lives, the best thing that ever could have happened to us.

When I found out I was pregnant with Connor, Mark and I were going through a rough patch. I felt that I was too young to settle down (we were living together in our own house) and because of the age gap between us, felt a little bit resentful that Mark had the chance to "live" a bit before he met me, but because we got together when I was 18, I felt like I had missed out on something. I now know that this is not true and that the grass is no greener on the other side, but I learned the hard way. I nearly lost everything.

Anyway, I took the test one day after work. I don't even know what made me think to do a test, my cycles were irregualr and I was only 4 days late, which was nothing unusual. The test came back with a faint positive, needless to say I cried, but not with happiness, I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I decided that I wasn't going to tell Mark at the time, that I would wait a few weeks before I said anything, but I needn't have bothered, it all came spilling out 2 days later. Looking back, how mark found out was quite funny. I had bought a new eyeliner pencil and had taken it out of the celephane wrapper. I must have left the wrapper on the side. Anyway, Mark came downstairs holding this wrapper in his hand and then started waving it in my face and asked me if I had something to tell him. I looked him dead in the eye and said "I bought a new eyeliner pencil, I'm sorry I should have consulted you first" The look of relief on his face was a picture. He sighed and said "oh, so you're not pregnant then?" to which i replied "as a matter of, I am" He cried, I cried.

A few weeks later he said that he was going to go to tenerief for a week to stay with a friend because he thought that we both needed some time to think. While he was away, I'm ashamed to admit that I lloked into abortion on the internet. I know that on these boards that this may offend some people and this certainly is not my intention. I also understand that some people do have terminations and I am not against the idea, each person has their reasons, but I just couldn't even think of it after what I read.

Later that week I went out for the night with some people from work and had fun. It was fun just to not have to think about Mark or the baby, even if it was just for the night. I got home about midnight and when I went to the loo found I was bleeding, nothing heavy or anything but it scared the crap out of me and I was so scared that I was going to lose our baby. I called the hospital and they said to rest in bed and that it should stop, which it did. Although Mark had left a number for me to get in touch with him, I didn't call, I wanted to give him chance to think. He came back and I told him what had happened and he wanted to know why I didn't call.

I had my fisrt ultrasound booked for the end of October, and Mark and I still hadn't decided what we were going to do. Then I came home for lunch one day about a week before the scan was due and Mark asked if we could try again and be a proper family for this baby. Needles to say, he came to every scan and even made it to a few of my antenatal appointments. Then on the 26th May 2001, there was not a prouder Daddy in all the world than Mark when Connor came into the world.

When Connor was 15 weeks old we flew to the USA to visit with my Dad and step mother in Florida. We arrive on the 8th Sept. Due to some serious meddling on my step mothers behalf Mark and I agreed to married on Sunday the 9th sept, picked up our marriage license on sept the 11th. At this point we did dicuss postponing the wedding due to that tragic day, but it brought to light that life is too short and that you never know what's going to happen, so on Thursday sept 13th, Mark and I were married, with Connor as our page boy/ring bearer(!), my sister as the flower girl and the only other guests were my parents and my dad's boss and his wife as our witnesses.

Now, here we are, more than 2 years later and wanting to add another ray of sunshine to our little family, but this time it will be in very different circumstances and this "little one", when he/she is finally conceived, can rest assured that it will be loved and very much wanted right from the very start. All we are waiting for is AF to rear her ugly head for hopefully the last time for a long time and our little "Boo" won't be too long in gracing us with his/her presence.

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Now that I have got the whole "introduction"!!!!! off my chest, I guess that I should divulge why we are going to call this next baby "Boo" until it arrives.

Basically Mark and I were watching Monster's Inc for the first time the other night and we both fell in love with the little girl in the film and she was called "Boo" as the monster had no idea what her name was. When the film was over, we just looked at one another and said, we will have to call this next baby "Boo". Plus, if we get used to calling it "Boo", if we do decided to find out what sex we are having, it should be easier not to slip up with the family! I thought that we did really well last time, but then the mother in law told me that she gathered I was having a boy when I inadvertently referred to it as he!! Lol

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Well, today is officially my first day of TTC as AF arrived for me this morning.

I expected to be absolutely thrilled that the time to TTC has finally arrived (don't get me wrong, I AM thrilled), but I also have alot of other emotions swirling around. I feel happy, excited, scared and sad all at the same time.

I think that the happy and excited are self explanitory. I feel scared because Connor wasn't planned. I don't know what to expect from actively trying (apart from the obvious Wink ). What I mean is that I don't know how long it is going to take. How am I going to feel if I get a BFN?? What if I get a BFP??? How will I feel? How will Mark feel?? What about my family?? I haven't told any of them that we are trying. Then what about my first baby, what about Connor???? How will I possibly love another child as much as I love him???????????????????????? I know that we are ready to have another baby, but there are so many what if's. I know that we will just take it in our stride, but sometimes I wish there was a magical answer. I feel sad as well. I'm sad that things will change from the way they are, but then also happy about the coming change.

I'm starting to think that AF is playing her nasty tricks on my emotions. Plus I think that we have been waiting to TTC for so long that I have built it up into this big thing and now I am worried about how I am going to deal with it all. But I know I will, cos that's just what mother's do, cope with everything.

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CD#4

Crikey! I can't believe how slow this cycle seems to be going. I'll be lucky if I O before day 18, I still have just under 2 weeks to go before I really have to get serious, although I guess that I will have to give Mark lots of free "practice"!

I have started to have a glass of grapefruit juice as has been suggested on a british site that frequent. I've been told that it supposedly thins the cm because it is so acidic????? I personally don't see how this can help, but hey, it may work, so what the heck (plus it's a good source of vitamin c!)

Also, we are off on a weeks hols on the 14th and I had a sudden realisation that I won't be able to update my chart! Horror of horrors! Makes me wonder what we used to do before all this technology???

Anyway, off to take a nice relaxing bath.

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Got back off my hols this evening. We had a great time, sun, sea, and and a bit of bd'ing, what more could a girl ask for??!!!!

I have absolutely no idea what cycle day I'm on, but I know that I haven't O'd yet. Hang on.......cd 17, so I must be due to O any day now. I ccan't believe how time seems to drag when you are waiting for something. At least Mark and I are getting the opportunity to get some practice in the BD department. It's amazing how already things don't seem to be very spontaneous. I know that I am "doing the deed" to get pregnant and I am sure that Mark feels this way also. I've tried to make it spontaneous, but it's rather difficult when you already have a toddler in the house and can only find the time when they are sleeping!!! Plus it's hard to get used to when you previous record is once a month and suddenly it's 3/4 times a week!!!!

Anyway, not much else to report, will update when I've O'd.

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CD 20:

I think that I may have O'd already and just not noticed. I think that it may have been yesterday or possibly earlier. I have been charting but don't think that I will be able to rely too much on the temps this month as they seem to be all over the place, plus there have been lots of other factors, such as open windows making me cold, sunburn making me hot, not sleeping well and havng to get up early for work.

I have done all that I can, we've bd every 2/3 days like all the websites suggest. I've been taking folic acid, eating healthy etc.

The only other thing that is bothering me, is the 2 ww. laready my body is playing tricks on me. I'm bloated, have been feeling queasy, a bit dizzy, had sore nips, but my AF is still another 11/12 days away at least. I have no idea how I am going to get through the waiting.

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CD 22.

Yippeeeeeeeee!!!! I have finally O'd, or at least I have according to FF. I thought that I would be due to O on Monday 19th based on my previous charts and FF says that I O'd on that day. DH & I bd on friday,sunday and then again on tuesday, so I have high hopes that we caught our eggy this month. I know that I shouldn't get my hope up as I will be so disappointed when AF arrives but I can't help it.

As for symptoms, I don't think that it is possible to really feel anything at only 3dpo, but I have been having strtchy, AF type crampings in my lower abdomen and back, and what is it with the gas????????? I can't remember the last time I had gas like this, where it is really obvious and you can feel the bubbles popping in your tummy. I also seem to be more hungry, bloated and feel a bit sick if I get hungry.

I'm trying to remember if i felt like this when I was pregnant with Connor, but becasue he was a surprise, I didn't notice anything until after I took the test. I know that it is probably just my mind playing tricks on my body, I never knew that mother nature could be so cruel.

Anyway, it's only another 9 days that I can test at the earliest, so here hoping that I can stop my urge from POAS!

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Well, I haven't posted for a while as I didn't want to seem that I was getting too hung up on what was going on. I kept a list of all my symptoms and figured that I would write them all down at once, so here goes.

I O'd on cd 19, monday 23rd

1dpo: felt a bit queasy when I was hungry

3dpo: I had terrible wind, gassy feelings, I could actuallt see my tummy moving. I also had slight AF type cramps and stretchy feelings

4dpo: I've been more moody than usual, getting teary eyed at stupid things

5dpo: More wind, more cramps, tingling feeling in boobs, that lasted about a minute, sore nipples. Mark says that my boobs look different and that nipples look bigger. Also feel hungry again about an hour after eating

6dpo: tingly feeling in the boobs again, nipples are still sore, still moody, not much patience with Connor

7dpo: Night sweats, full, heavy feeling in boobs, slight tingling again, not many other symptoms till the nite time, then bad cramps, also had 1 sharp pain on the right hand side that went across my tummy.

8dpo: Thought I saw blue veins on boobs after my bath last night, more cramps, creamy cm.

I've brought a test today, will have to see if I can hold out as only 8dpo.

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Well, I really had to pee and my curiosity got the better of me and I got a ..........................................

BFP

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. It's still very early days yet, so am just going to take each day as it comes.......

Tentative EDD 11th March 2004!!

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Ok, I know that I shouldn't really be posting in my ttc journal now that i got a BFP, but too be honest I am a little nervous about starting a pregnancy journal.

As a matter of fact, I was so worried that I imagined my 2 lines yesterday that I have took another 2 tests today, another first response, which gave me a stronger +ive than yesterday and an acon test that I got off the net, which took about 5 minutes to show up the faintest +ive.

I guess that I am worrying because I stupidly read an article about how some women get a positive result, when they re-test, it's negative because the egg hasn't implanted properly. I thought that you only made hcg after implantation :?: I guess this is the downside to testing early, I just want sunday (day AF was due) to come and go, and then I might feel beter.

On a brighter note, I worked out my EDD on preg org which says 16th March, but another site says the 11th March. To be honest the 16th suits me better!!! and as for whether it is a
:sleepyboy: or a :sleepygirl: , I'm honestly not bothered!!!!

I can't wait till sunday, after that I will probably leave it a few weeks before I tell my Dr.....

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Well, I never thought that I would have to come and start writing in my ttc journal so soon.

Ok, here's the story. I started to spot on Tuesday night, just lightly and although I was abit worried, I thought I would wait and see what morning brought. I got up the next morning (9 weeks) and everything seemed ok, so I went to work as normal. By the time I got to work I was spotting again, but slightly more than the night before. I decided to ring my GP and get an appointment. I went to see the GP, told him that I was bleeding and that I was scared, and he said "there is nothing that can be done, madam" When I just looked at him in surprise, he did offer to send me for a scan, so of course I snapped up the chance, I just needed to know either way. My scan was sheduled for lunch time. We got to the hospital just in time. We were taken through to the scan room and an external scan was performed, the sonographer couldn't see anything and asked me if I was sure of my dates. I admited that they could be out so she went on to perform an internal scan. She told us the news that turned our worlds upside down, that there was a gestational sac for 9 weeks but that the baby had more than likely died at 5 weeks. I ws given the choice of a natural evacuation or an ERPC (d&c). I couldn't go in for theatre at the time as I have no-one to look after my son, So I am due back to the hospital for a repeat scan and then surgery.

We are going to wait ttc out until I have had one "normal" period. So until then......

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I am just so ANGRY right now. I don't really know if this is a "normal" way to feel after finding out your baby died. I keep waiting for the tears, but all I feel is anger at the moment. I am angry with myself, with my body for not being able to do what it was supposed to, angry with the sonographer for not giving me better news and angry with people who keep telling me that it was not meant to be and that it may have been for the best. Well, they can all just begger off, because what the hell do they know unless they have been thru it themselves??? I loved my baby all the same, no matter how long s/he lived for.

I went to a wedding reception last night of someone from DH's work. I told DH that I wasn't sure that I wanted to go but he wanted to take Connor for everyone to see, which I guess is fair enough. While I am standing there, having a drink, one lady asks me how I am feeling. I tell her that I have felt better, she just looked at me funny but left it at that. Then someone else comes up to me and says "congratulations, you must be thrilled" I was so shocked that I didn't have time tio say anything before she walked off. Even Mark looked upset by that. Then the lady who had asked how I felt came upto me about an hour later and said "I'm really sorry, I now know what you ment when you said that you have felt better." Then lots of people came up to me to give me a hug and kiss, when all I wanted was to be left alone. No wonder I feel like shit this morning.

I am also starting to get worked up about going back into the hospital tomorrow. I need to go and get re-scaned so that we can determined if I need to have the d&c, which I am pretty sure that I will. I hope that they will be able to do the d&c on Tuesday, I just want this chapter of my life to be over and done with, I think that I need the closure, and then perhaps the tears will come.

On a more upbeat note, I have started to make a memory box for my angel. I know that I will never forget this baby, but it will be nice to have something tangible to lookl at when the need arises. I have put a copy of my pg journal in there, the replys that I got to announcement of the m/c and I bought a little toy just for Boo that I am going to put in there too. I will also put one of the +ive pg tests in there as well as the belly pic the DH took when I was 6 weeks. Also the card that I rec'd from my best friend and maybe a dried flower from the bouquets that I got.

I guess that I am going to have to go now, I need to make arrangements for someone to look after Connor while Dh & I are at the hospital tomorrow, plus I can smell something very distinct coming from DS's direction!!!!

I will update tomorrow.

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We went to the hospital this afternoon to decide if I need a d&c or not. It turned out that I started bleeding really heavily this morning, so it seems that I am miscarrying naturally, although the hospital are still a bit worried about the risk of infection. I have to go back in again in the morning to get re-scaned again, have another internal to see if my cervix has opened any more and then possibly see about the surgery. I guess that I won't know much more until tomorrow.

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I can finally get on with things now. After spending all afternoon monday at the hospital, I then got to spend all day yesterday there too. Although I had a natual miscarriage, they were worried that it was an incomplete miscarriage, so wanted me to stay and have the d&c anyway. Mark left the hospital at 3.30pm and I didn't go to theatre until 7.30pm as they had to wait for an emergency spot to come up. I was so scared of what might happene, and feel a bit silly now as I don't remember anything. All I remember is that we were talking about Connor and then I was waking up and being taken back to the ward. I was kept in overnight, much to my dismay, but am back at home now. So it looks like I am back to the waiting game once again, as we have been told that we really should wait for 2 AF's before we try to get pg again, give my poor body time to heal. I think that I will start charting again, just so that I know what is going on with my body, and hopefully see a pattern emerge within a week or 2. Until then.....

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Well, it has been a busy couple of days.

I didn't do much after I came out of hospital. I pretty much sat at home and kept myself to myself (apart from Connor that is!) Then I decided to venture out of the house for the first time in Saturday, so I went into town, bought Connot a thomas the tank video as he has been driving me mad! Then on Sunday Mark and I left Connor all day to go to the V festival at Weston Park. They had some good bands on, Echo and the bunny men, the cardigans, reel big fish, ash, the foo fighters, coldplay and feeder. It was good to get away from everything, but but 10.30 I was knackered and just wanted to go to my bed, which didn't happen until gone 2.30am!

Then yesterday, we had an appointment at 1.30pm to view some family portraits that we had taken about 3 weeks ago. There were some lovely shots, but we kept to our word and had one family portrit and one of Connor. Then to top it all off, we were told that it would take 8 WEEKS (!!!!) to process our order!!???? What the hell are they gonna do, paint it by hand???

Then today, we decided to take Connor to Gullivers Kingdom at Matlock today. We thought that it would half make up for last week as we practially left him with family for 2 day last week due to spending so much time at the hospital. He had such a great day. It's so nice to see a theme park that caters specially for little people, Connor could go on about 2 thirds of all the rides, so a lovely day was had by all. As for the rest of the week, I think that it's pretty much going to be a lazy one.

I am absolutely dreading going back to work next week. I am due back in on tuesday, but I haven't been in since the 9.30 on the 6th Aug. Everyone in my team knew about the baby, one of them only found out 2 days before we found out about the m/c.

As for trying again, Mark wants to wait for 2 cycles, I don't. The way I see it is that the baby died very early on in my pregnancy so there was nothing that could be done. I would rather try again asap. I guess that we will have to come to a compromise. We go on holiday the 26th Sept, so next cycle I may just relax. No charting, but I don't intend on packing condoms in the suitcase either, so what happens, happens.

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Arrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

I just had to get that out. I am having such a crappy day today, and yesterday wasn't too good either.

Yesterday started with a phone call from work to see if I had a sick note for being off work this week. I thought that was totally insensitive. I only had my D&C just over a week ago and work are already on my case. I told her that I will get a sick note as the hospital didn't give me one. I told her that I should be back next tuesday, but that I will see how I feel. I may cut my hours from 20 to 15 per week, at least until I get back from Menorca. It seems that I am always tired these days. From a book that I have read about m/c recently, it seems that it a grief mechanism.

Then I started to get cramps from about 4pm. By the time that Mark got home, it felt like labour, and then the pains just dissappeared.

I had a dr's appointment this morning to get my sick note. I asked himn about these pains, which he says is normal. I am feeling pretty ropey today. I nearly passed out twice while I was out, once in the library, and then in the chemist. After that I decided to come home as I felt that I was a danger to myself, and of course to Connor.

I just don't feel that I am coping very well at the moment.............
I am going to go and give Connor a great big hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.

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I feel a bit better today, not alot, but a bit. I have even attempted so housework today!! I am still having dizzy spells, and am soooo tired, even though I am getting at least 9 hours of sleep a night.

I was listening to one of my albums yesterday, and came across a song that put things into perspective a little bit. It's by Gabrielle: It's gonna get better...

We do what we do
To try and get us through
Our darkest days
A time in life that's not so bright
And there will be days when we cry
And we don't know why
You've gotta fight it
Those days will pass you by

Chorus
It's gonna get better
Everybody knows there's brighter days
It's gonna get better
Live your life, and take it day by day

Be positive in mind or you'll
Fall before you even try
Sometimes it takes a helping hand
(A helping hand is what you need)
To show you that life goes on
There's a brand new dawn
When you're feeling down
There's always a reason
To hold on
Tell yourself

Chorus

You gotta live your life
Cause life is for the living
And you don't know
If you'll get the chance again
You gotta find a way to hold on maybe
Faith will help you carry on
Just fight it
Take it in your stride
It's gonna be alright

Chorus

It's gonna get better, pick yourself up and start again
And maybe when you find yourself alone
You'll have the time
To gather all your thoughts
And when you find
You're not so strong
You'll have the strength
To carry on
And even when you find yourself in doubt
You'll never lose sight
Of what your life's about
And when you find you're losing faith
You'll get the strength to help you
Tell yourself it's gonna get better
Just tell yourself that
It is gonna get better
Just tell yourself
It's gonna get better

I am still trying to think of something special to do to remember my angel by. I am not brave enough to get a tatoo of an angel, so I may get a braclet with something dedicated to my Little Boo inscribed on it. I'm going to ask Mark to see if he any ideas.

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I'm having a better day today, but am displaying some odd behaviour even for me!! The house is a tip and could use a really good clean top to bottom, so what do I do. I pick one thing and spend all day doing it!! I decided that today was the time to sorty out the cd rack :roll: Half the cases didn't have cds in, so I took everything out and started from scatch. I'll have to make more of an effort to clean the house tomorrow.

I'm on CD12 today, not that we are trying this cycle or anything. I hope that I am going to be one of the lucky ones and get AF back within 4/5 weeks. I read one horror story of one lady who didn't get AF for more than 12 weeks. I'm really itching to get stuck back into TTC. I know that it may sound wird, ot maybe seem that I don't care about the little angel that I have just lost, but I am so broody, and just want to feel a little baby in my arms again.

Nicky: (((hugs))). I am sorry that AF is giving you a hard time. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers on Tuesday. It is a lovely image that you conjured in your letter to your angels. Any little baby would be really lucky to have you as parents, and I am sure that it will soon be your turn.

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I am supposed to be at work today, but I'm not!!!!!

I was going to go into work today, honest. I didn't plan on stopping for very long as I still have a sick note to cover me for this week, but I wanted to catch up with my emails, see what I have missed, see if there was anything that I could do from home (although I doubt it for security reasons) and to see what my wages are going to be!!

The I had a visiter yesterday afternoon from work. I nearly died of shock, especially as it was a public holiday yesterday. I know that Tracy only lives down the road from me, but I didn't expect her to come and visit. I should explain that Tracy is not my boss, but my boss's boss :shock:

Anyway, I answered the door and there she was. She told me that I was hard to get hold of. I did say that I don't always hear people knocking on the door, especially if Connor is awake as he make soooooo much noise. It was nice to see her, and she brought me a card signed by all my team and friends and a big box of chocolates, which was really nice of her. She took my sick note from me and said that I was not to come in this week as I didn't look too well (very pale and tired looking). So it looks like it will be next week now before I go back. I will only be in for a few weeks before we go on holiday (by the way, what is wrong with my ticker??? I input the right date, but it says that I should be on holiday now!!!)

I guess that I need to make an appointment with the GP again and get poked to see if I am anaemic and get that sorted out before TTC again.

On the ttc front, I had some cramping pains down the left side, low down yesterday. It felt a bit like O, but I couldn't be sure. I hope that it was at I would then be able to predict when AF will arrive. (although my temps certainly don't indicate O, but then again, I don't expect then to)

Nicky: I hope that you hear back from your interviews soon. Have fun at the fair today, thinking of you.

Teresa: I know that you are probably busy, but just wanted to say that I hope that your DH is doing well.

Hopefully will get to know some of you other TTC'ers soon. Good luck and tons of babydust too all.

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Well, I wouldn't normally write twice in one day, but I just had to say that I am feeling much more positive today. I have just read everyone else's journals and it was so nice to see some mentions for me. So thanks Dayna & Nicky. I hope that you all get to go to the May board. Sending all my spare babydust (afterall, I don't need it just yet, may as well give it away to some deserving people!)

I am also feeling happy because DH and I got some practice in today :sex: It was the first time for weeks, since I found out we were pg actually :oops: :shock: I think that DH was just glad that it hadn't shriveled up and dropped off from lack of use!!! And I know that it won't be long before he is complaning that he's tired and that I on;y want to bd because I want a baby. All I can say is hurry up AF and bring it ON...................!!!!

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CD16

Have had a fairly good day today. Connor went to spend some time with my Nan & Grandad today, so I got some much needed time to myself. I read a bit of my Harry Potter book and gave the place a damn good clean as I have let it slide recently.

I was quite ecxited by my temp today, which went from 36.7 yesterday to 36.3 this am. I hope that this means that O is imminent (sp?). I also had a nice big glob of EWCM last night as well. I guess that it will be really hard to tell until AF shows. Going from my previous cycles, I usually O at around cd 18/19/20.

As for the rest of my life, I made an appointment to see the nurse to get bloodwork done to test for anaemia and am going to ask to have hcg run as well to see where I am. I am also starting to get a bit worried about some pain that I have in my left hip. I get the pain when I stand up after I have been sat down for a while. I can't remember when it started, but I have certainly noticed it since the RTA we were in last year. I think I am going to see the GP and get it checked out as arthritis runs in the family.

Teresa: It's good to see an update in your journal. I've had a look at your chart and it looks fantastic. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is it for you. I am glad to see that James is doing well. I must have missed all the info on the table, but if it works for you, I may just have to entice DH onto our kitchen table!

Nicky: I hope that your interview goes well tomorrow and I'm glad that AF has finally left, now if you can just point her in the direction of the UK, that way she may also leave Theresa alone.

Dayna: I don't think that the friends thing sounds weird. I can totally appreciate you wanting to experience the whole thing first hand. I am pretty sure that if I couln't have any more, that it would be just DH, me and DS> Maybe I feel different as i have one already?? Keep your chin up, it will happen for you, I am sure of it.

Lisa: Good news on the temp jump and am glad to hear that your headache has gone. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Here's a ton of baby dust for all of you (make sure you catch it!!)

:babydustblue: :babydustpink:

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CD...............Er.......hang on a minute, while I check........20!!!

Ok, mentally I feel fine, physically I feel like shit!! Mark had some head cold thingy last week and just as I thought that I got away with it, I came down with it as well!! Only I swear that I feel worse than he did, mainly because he took all the cold stuff in the house and hasn't bought any more!

On the TTC front, there is no news as we obviously aren't trying this cycle, but we did manage to get some practice in this morning :sex: . lmao!!

As for the rest of me (I feel like a real hypochondriac at the minute!!) I went for my x-ray on my hip on Friday, but the results won't be in until the 8th or 9th (the 9th Sept was a year to the day of the RTA, spooky or what??). I am due to see the nurse tomorrow for some blood tests to check my HB and HCG levels. Connor is due to see the paed dr at the hospital on thursday, even though he has been well for months.

I think that I am also going to return to work tomorrow, although by the time I have been to the nurse, I will only end up going for about 2 hours, but hey, I have to catch up sometime. I am not dreading it like I was when I thought that I had to go back last week. I guess that I am just more at peace with what happened.

Dayna: I hope that you are having a good long weekend and that you are getting lots of practice in. Go catch that eggy!!

Nicky: Sorry to hear that you had to work Saturday, hope it wasn't too bad. How was the wedding?? I hope that the rest of your weekend is going better and that you are getting some B'ding in between all that food on a stick!!

Lisa: How are you holding up in the 2ww?? I hope that you are not driving yourself made with symptom spotting (I am the queen of that!!) I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Theresa: Hope that this is your month, you deserve it. Fingers crossed and much babydust winging it's way to you.

Good luck to everyone, lots of babydust

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CD:22

Obviously nothing happening on the TTC front! Although I have still been temping because I want to be able to see what is going on with my cycle, but to be honest my temps are all over the place, they dropped from 36.8 to 36.3 thim morning, although to give myself some credit, I did get up nearly 2 hours earlier than normal as I had to go to work.

I finally went back to work yesterday. I wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I finally got to work at 11am after my appt with the nurse and left at 1am cos that's what time I work till!! It took me practically the whole 2 hours to read all my emails!! Did a normal work day today (8 till 1) and it was ok, just getting my head down and trying to get some work done, although after about 2 hours my concentration was completely gone. I guess that I shouldn't expect too much from myself yet.

I went to the nurse yesterday to have my bloods done for iron levels as am always tired at the moment. I was absolutely devastated when she asked me if I was there to have my antenatal bloods done :cry: When I told her that I miscarried, she couldn't stop apologising and said that there was no mention of it my notes, which I was totally shocked about as I took the note from the hospital to the dr as soon as I was allowed home and I have seen the dr twice since. I always said my Dr was a pile of shit.

Teresa: Sorry to see that your temps are going down, Ive still got my fingers crossed for you.

Lisa: Well done on the dog show. I have my fingers crossed for you, not long to wait now.

Nicky: I hope that you manage to get some practice in this week Wink

Babydust to all

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CD33:

I feel really terrible about not updating my journal for nearly 2 weeks, but to be honest I have been quite busy with work and stuff. Returning to work wasn't as bad as I had expected, but I am really glad that I reduced my hours, 5 hours a day is more than enough at the moment, plus it's nice to be home in time to put Connor down for his nap.

Mark & I have also been sick this week, we both ended up with some kind of stomach bug that is doing the rounds. Mark was very bad, I just felt iffy and Connor just looked out of sorts, at least we all got it out of the way before our holidays!

I have also been totally engrossed in Harry Potter, and have read the last 3 books in the last few weeks, so now that I have finished reading them all, I have time on my hands to do things, like update my journal!!!

Today is our second wedding anniversary, and it is such a beautiful day here, the sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky and it is quite warm for this time of the year. It is totally different weather from the day we got married, where it rained most of the day, although it did stop while I went from the car to the county court house, and back into the car again. It started raining again just as we finished taking photo's! We don't really have anything planned for today as Mark is at work all day, but maybe we will go to the pub for a drink after dinner, and let connor play in the play area (gone are the days where we could sit and gaze into each others eyes for hours on end, but I don't regret being a parent one bit, some things are worth the sacrifice!!) Maybe we will even get some practice in.

Theresa: That sounds like fantastic news about James, it sounds like he is an absolute gem, you are both very lucky to have each other.

Dayna: Sorry to hear the AF got you, but I like your positive attitude, and I hope that you do get pregnant before the end of summer, you deserve it.

Lisa: Your dh sounds like a star.

Nicky: Hope that you are having fun at the wedding, glad to hear that you got some practice in

Good luck to all TTC'ers
Baby dust to all

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CD1:

OPPS! Double post

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Drum roll please...................

Today is CD1 for me!!

I never though that I would be so glad to see AF in my entire life. I am just so excited to be back in the game. Hopefully it won't take me too long to get my prize! At least the old witch ( :witch: ) had the decency to not show up on my wedding anniversary!

Mark & I had a lovely meal out last night. The pub that we went to was on the top of a hill, so we sat at the highest point and watched the sun go down as Connor played on the climbing frame. That moment just seemed perfect. We didn't get to bd, as we were too full!! We weren't really that bothered, because now that we are back to ttc, there will be plenty of opportunity to bd, especially with us being on holiday. Only 11 more days to go!! I hope that we can bring back more than a few souvenirs for the family :bigwink:

Dayna: Being in a good mood is really contagious. Just reading your happy post made me smile. I hope that AF leaves both of our houses soon, and may it be the last time that either of us see's her for 9 or so months!

I hope that the rest of you are enjoying your weekends.
Love and babydust to all.

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CD 8:

I'm not too good at keeping this journal up to date, but to be honest, my life is fairly boring at the moment, so there isn't much to write about. It seems so weird to think that I do the same things week in, week out. At least thgis holiday is giving me something exciting to look foward to.

AF has finally cleared out (I think). I thought that she had cleared out the other day, only to find her back again, even if it was only for the day, shocked the hell out of me! I guess I can't expect everytthing to go back to normal after everything that my body has been through in the last few months. Mark and I haven't got any practice in yet this month, not that I blame him for not trying. I haven't been shaving my legs recently as I want to wax them before the we go away, and now I feel that I resemble a bit of a gorilla!! Not an image that congures romantic thoughts! Perhaps if I blindfold him.............!!!!

We went to the Zoo yesterday with most of Dh's family to celebrate MIL's 60th birthday (she's 60 on wednesday). It was quite a nice day out. the weather was beautiful for this time of year, sunny and warm. The kids all had a fantastic time, they don't see each other very often, so a great day was had by all.

Not much else to report on the TTC front. I doubt that I will ovulate until sometime between CD 18/23.

I guess that I should get off this damn computer and go do some housework Sad

Theresa: I'm sorry to hear that you have had a rotten couple of days. I really hope that things start to look up for you soon. Remember that we all love you here.

Dayna: I hope that the wedding went well yeterday and that your team won! I'm really glad that you feel good about this month, your positive attitude will hopefully rub off on me!

Nicky: I'm sorry that AF got you. hopefully we will all graduate this month. Your friends daughter sounds like a real sweetheart, very cute.

Lisa: Hope that you had a good time at the army dinner and glad to hear that you weren't hit hard by the waether. Go get that egg!!!

Have to go and feed my monster now before he really starts moaning.
Good luck and babydust to all.

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CD11:

We're all going on a summer holiday
no more :juggling: for a week or two.
Fun and :biglaugh: on our summer holiday,
no more worries for me or you,
for a week or two.

We're going where the :sunny: shines brightly
we're going where the sea is blue. :fish:
we've all seen it in the broucher, :book1:
now let's see if it's true.

Everybody has a summer holiday
doin' things they always wanted to
So we're going on a summer holiday,
to make our dreams (of a :binky: ) come true
for me and you.
for me and you. (and Connor, ofcourse! :lovestory: )

Sorry about that, I just had to get it out of my system as that song has been going around my head all day!

I broke up from work today, much to my delight and everyone else's dismay!! I'm glad because it leave tomorrow free to do some last minute washing and do some more packing, although alot of Connors stuff can't be packed until friday morning. At least our flight isn't until 4pm.

I really can't wait and am so excited. I'm looking foward to going abroad for the first time in 2 years, being able to spend quality time as a family, and ttc without all the conventional stress that comes with being at home! I was in 2 minds about whether to take my thermometer, but decided that I want to try to be as natural as possible this month, have sex because we want to and not just to make a baby (as that is how it seems sometimes).

Anyway, must dash now. I have left Connor watching :bluepaw: , and I guess that I should sort out his dinner!!

I'm not sure if I will be able to get on again before we go away on Friday, so I wish all the ttc'ers the best of luck, especially Teresa, Nicky, Dayna, Lisa & Kelly. Bucket loads of babydust to you all (and a small one for me.) Here's hoping that I come back to see loads of BFP's from you lot!! That would make it worth coming back off holiday!!! LMAO!!!

:babydustblue: :babydustpink:
:babydustpink: :babydustblue:
:babydustpink: :babydustblue:
:babydustpink: :babydustblue:

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CD 28:

Well, I’m back!!!! And very please to be so too (more about why in a moment). We had a good time on holiday, the island was absolutely beautiful, and the weather was fantastic. Our hotel was really nice, very family orientated and quite cosmopolitan with guests from germany, italy, france, UK and mainland spain. Now, the reason why I am so glad to get back, Connor has been so sick. The first week we were there he had a bit of diarrhoea, which wasn’t too bad as he was in good spirits. We had a few days where he was well. Then in the second week, he started to get very high fevers. We took him to the dr who said it was a respirirtory infection. The next night, I had to call a dr out to the hotel as he was crying non stop, and we were told that he had a bad throat infection. He had ulcers all over his tongue, and didn’t eat or drink anything for the last 2 days. We were going to take him to the hospital as soon as we got home, but he had a complete turn around on the plane and was eating and drinking like food and water were going out of fashion. He seems much better now that we are home.
I have never been so worried in my entire life, not even when I had my m/c.

On the TTC front, things couldn’t be better (except, that maybe I could have done without all the added stress of Connor being ill). Mark and I had fun getting some practice in and then I O’d a day later than expected, but did the bd on O day. As for signs and symptoms, I have been trying not to think about it too much, but my nipples are a bit tender, and I have been having some cramps (I didn’t cramp at all last month, that’s why I was so shocked when AF showed up, she snuck up on me). I am also hungry all the time. I have been feeling a bit sicky, but this may be down to my guts churning over with worry, and lack of sleep.

I hope that all you TTC’er are well, I have missed you all. Sorry that I don’t have time to do personals today, but will catch up with you all soon.

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I know that I never post twice in one day, but I just found something that I wanted to write about when I finished unpacking.

While we were away, we bought english newspapers to read. I was flicking through the paper on the 8th Oct, and came across that horoscopes which I usually never read, but felt compelled to read mine on this day and this is what it said:

"The tendancy is to veer between hope and despair. The fact that you are still inclines to mull over recent mistakes is the main factor. Now for some good news - a celebration is in order. Seldom has there been a sweeter moment than the one you are about to discover."

Then the following day:

"Nothing is more exciting than a fresh start or second chance, and that is what the heavens promise you now"

I normally don't bother to read horoscopes because I think that they are a load of garbage, but if these prove to be true, I may well read my horoscopes for the rest of my life. I thought that it was just a bit weird that on two consecutive days, it seemed like they were writing about my life (but then again it could just be the context in which you take it)

Just wanted to mention it before I forgot..... here's hoping....

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CD 30:

I feel like I am going crazy. I really don't know how some people can do this month after month. I just pray that we all get our BFP's soon.

I bought a cheap 2 pack of tests today, but so far I have resisited temptation. I may test in the morning, as I will be 10dpo and have a normal LP of 12 days. I feel sick at the thought that I may get a BFN, but I have to face up to the fact that this may not be our month afterall.

I went back to work today after our holiday, and unfortunately I have to do a full week this week (i normally wotk part-time, 3 days a week). Me and about 8 other ladies are doing an 8 day training course for a new social security benefit that is overtaking an old one, so it will probably be pretty boring as there doesn't seem to be too many differences at the moment.

I was suppossed to take Connor for his hib booster today, but decided against it to let him recovery fully from his illness, plus I need to get myself booked in for a flu jab, but will obviously wait to see what happens at the end of the week.

Theresa: Happy belated birthday!!! I'm so glad to hear that you had a good time. The card James sent sounds wonderful, I guess that you are both very lucky to have one another.

Dayna: Sorry to hear that your team didn't play too good. Caving hey? It sounds like fun!! Can't find so much as a pothole here, never mind a cave!!

Lisa: I hope that you manage to get some practice in before your dh goes away. Also, incase I don't get chance to post closer to the time, GOOD LUCK with your dog show!!!

Nicky: Good luck with the temping this cycle. I didn't temp at all while I was away and it took me a few days to remeber to get back into it (I had to make up my FF chart though because I knew when I o'd, just didn't have temps!) It sounds like you had a great weekend, I just did loads of laundry!! I also love bowling, but am also terrible at it!!

Kelly: Lets hope that you O'd early. I don't blame you for taking a break, may be just what you need, plus, the minute you stop trying......! I hope that your progesterone results are what they should be. Good luck.

Anyway, I'm really tired, so may go have a nice bath and then go to bed (and try not to think about testing!!!)

Lots of love and baby dust to you all

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CD 31:

I'm trying not to get too excited, but it is so hard not to. I did at test this morning as I said that I would and got a BFN. I was so bummed, I can't tell you how I felt. But the more that I thought about it the more it bothered me, so at lunch time I went out and bought a first response test, and went back and did it in the toilet at work (I am sooooo impatient!!)

I didn't have to even wait a minute before I saw my BFP!!!

I am so thrilled and so scared but I am determined to make the most of this pg, how ever it may end. I just wish that I could take all the lovely ladies who also post their journals here with me. I love checking in to see how everyone is doing and hope that you all get to follow me to another board very soon.

I'ver really got myself into gear this time. Last time I didn't see my gp till I was gone 6 weeks, but I have an appointment to see him on Friday so that I can get my early scan arranged. I feel fairly confident about this pg (unlike last time), so lets just hope that's a good sticky vibe sign!!

Wow, my horoscopes actually came true, I guess that means that I should carry on reading them!

Nicky: Sorry to hear that AF isn't quite gone, the same thing happened to me last month and it is so annoying, I hope you weren't on the bus, like I was!!

Teresa: I'm glad to hear that you had a good birthday. I am sorry to hear about your Mom though, I hope that here appointment goes well.

Kelly: That's fantastic news about you O'ing and only having to wait a week. Wishing all the best of luck.

Dayna: I hope that you Mom's test results were good.

Anyway, have to go and feed my boy (if I can get down off cloud nine for long enough!!)

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Ok, here's the deal, with today being infant and pregnancy loss day, I have wrote a letter to my little angel but have nowhere else to put it. I know that it has nothing to do with TTC, but I neede to write it.

To my darling baby "Boo"

Mummy feels compelled to write to you today as it is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day, and I could not let this day pass without telling you a few things.

Firstly, Mummy and Daddy miss you very much. We would have been nearly half way to getting to see you for the first time, as I would have been 19 weeks today, but I don't need to have seen your face. I know that you would have been beautiful, just as your big brother was when he was born. Mummy has made up a memory box and filled it with things that remind me of you. Not that I need much reminding, as I still have the tiny little footprints that you left imprinted upon my heart. We also plan on getting a plant of somelind that flowers in either March or August. I am going to put in a pot and have it on display in the garden. Mummy also has an idea of getting an ornament of your own for the christmas tree. This family tradition was started by your Nanny and Grandad Morgon in Calafornia. Before Connor was born, Mummy and Daddy recieved an ornament for the tree that read "parents-to-be 2000" and we have recieved an ornament for him every year since. As you are as much my child as Connor is, I want to have an ornament on the tree to commemorate your lovely, albeit short exsistence in our lives.

Secondly, Mummy and Daddy have just recieved some astounding news, yesterday in fact. It seems that we are expecting another little bundle of joy. Mummy is very anxious about what may happen, but I feel safer in the knowledge that you are watching over me and baby "pootle!"

Well my love, Mummy is going to close for now, but I plan on lighting a candle for you tonight, afterall, you still remain to be a shining light in my life. I will wait until your Daddy gets home from work and Connor goes to be. Until tonight my angel. I love you. Mummy x