Well, I never thought that I would have to come and start writing in my ttc journal so soon.
Ok, here's the story. I started to spot on Tuesday night, just lightly and although I was abit worried, I thought I would wait and see what morning brought. I got up the next morning (9 weeks) and everything seemed ok, so I went to work as normal. By the time I got to work I was spotting again, but slightly more than the night before. I decided to ring my GP and get an appointment. I went to see the GP, told him that I was bleeding and that I was scared, and he said "there is nothing that can be done, madam" When I just looked at him in surprise, he did offer to send me for a scan, so of course I snapped up the chance, I just needed to know either way. My scan was sheduled for lunch time. We got to the hospital just in time. We were taken through to the scan room and an external scan was performed, the sonographer couldn't see anything and asked me if I was sure of my dates. I admited that they could be out so she went on to perform an internal scan. She told us the news that turned our worlds upside down, that there was a gestational sac for 9 weeks but that the baby had more than likely died at 5 weeks. I ws given the choice of a natural evacuation or an ERPC (d&c). I couldn't go in for theatre at the time as I have no-one to look after my son, So I am due back to the hospital for a repeat scan and then surgery.
We are going to wait ttc out until I have had one "normal" period. So until then......
I am just so ANGRY right now. I don't really know if this is a "normal" way to feel after finding out your baby died. I keep waiting for the tears, but all I feel is anger at the moment. I am angry with myself, with my body for not being able to do what it was supposed to, angry with the sonographer for not giving me better news and angry with people who keep telling me that it was not meant to be and that it may have been for the best. Well, they can all just begger off, because what the hell do they know unless they have been thru it themselves??? I loved my baby all the same, no matter how long s/he lived for.
I went to a wedding reception last night of someone from DH's work. I told DH that I wasn't sure that I wanted to go but he wanted to take Connor for everyone to see, which I guess is fair enough. While I am standing there, having a drink, one lady asks me how I am feeling. I tell her that I have felt better, she just looked at me funny but left it at that. Then someone else comes up to me and says "congratulations, you must be thrilled" I was so shocked that I didn't have time tio say anything before she walked off. Even Mark looked upset by that. Then the lady who had asked how I felt came upto me about an hour later and said "I'm really sorry, I now know what you ment when you said that you have felt better." Then lots of people came up to me to give me a hug and kiss, when all I wanted was to be left alone. No wonder I feel like **** this morning.
I am also starting to get worked up about going back into the hospital tomorrow. I need to go and get re-scaned so that we can determined if I need to have the d&c, which I am pretty sure that I will. I hope that they will be able to do the d&c on Tuesday, I just want this chapter of my life to be over and done with, I think that I need the closure, and then perhaps the tears will come.
On a more upbeat note, I have started to make a memory box for my angel. I know that I will never forget this baby, but it will be nice to have something tangible to lookl at when the need arises. I have put a copy of my pg journal in there, the replys that I got to announcement of the m/c and I bought a little toy just for Boo that I am going to put in there too. I will also put one of the +ive pg tests in there as well as the belly pic the DH took when I was 6 weeks. Also the card that I rec'd from my best friend and maybe a dried flower from the bouquets that I got.
I guess that I am going to have to go now, I need to make arrangements for someone to look after Connor while Dh & I are at the hospital tomorrow, plus I can smell something very distinct coming from DS's direction!!!!
We went to the hospital this afternoon to decide if I need a d&c or not. It turned out that I started bleeding really heavily this morning, so it seems that I am miscarrying naturally, although the hospital are still a bit worried about the risk of infection. I have to go back in again in the morning to get re-scaned again, have another internal to see if my cervix has opened any more and then possibly see about the surgery. I guess that I won't know much more until tomorrow.
I can finally get on with things now. After spending all afternoon monday at the hospital, I then got to spend all day yesterday there too. Although I had a natual miscarriage, they were worried that it was an incomplete miscarriage, so wanted me to stay and have the d&c anyway. Mark left the hospital at 3.30pm and I didn't go to theatre until 7.30pm as they had to wait for an emergency spot to come up. I was so scared of what might happene, and feel a bit silly now as I don't remember anything. All I remember is that we were talking about Connor and then I was waking up and being taken back to the ward. I was kept in overnight, much to my dismay, but am back at home now. So it looks like I am back to the waiting game once again, as we have been told that we really should wait for 2 AF's before we try to get pg again, give my poor body time to heal. I think that I will start charting again, just so that I know what is going on with my body, and hopefully see a pattern emerge within a week or 2. Until then.....
I didn't do much after I came out of hospital. I pretty much sat at home and kept myself to myself (apart from Connor that is!) Then I decided to venture out of the house for the first time in Saturday, so I went into town, bought Connot a thomas the tank video as he has been driving me mad! Then on Sunday Mark and I left Connor all day to go to the V festival at Weston Park. They had some good bands on, Echo and the bunny men, the cardigans, reel big fish, ash, the foo fighters, coldplay and feeder. It was good to get away from everything, but but 10.30 I was knackered and just wanted to go to my bed, which didn't happen until gone 2.30am!
Then yesterday, we had an appointment at 1.30pm to view some family portraits that we had taken about 3 weeks ago. There were some lovely shots, but we kept to our word and had one family portrit and one of Connor. Then to top it all off, we were told that it would take 8 WEEKS (!!!!) to process our order!!???? What the hell are they gonna do, paint it by hand???
Then today, we decided to take Connor to Gullivers Kingdom at Matlock today. We thought that it would half make up for last week as we practially left him with family for 2 day last week due to spending so much time at the hospital. He had such a great day. It's so nice to see a theme park that caters specially for little people, Connor could go on about 2 thirds of all the rides, so a lovely day was had by all. As for the rest of the week, I think that it's pretty much going to be a lazy one.
I am absolutely dreading going back to work next week. I am due back in on tuesday, but I haven't been in since the 9.30 on the 6th Aug. Everyone in my team knew about the baby, one of them only found out 2 days before we found out about the m/c.
As for trying again, Mark wants to wait for 2 cycles, I don't. The way I see it is that the baby died very early on in my pregnancy so there was nothing that could be done. I would rather try again asap. I guess that we will have to come to a compromise. We go on holiday the 26th Sept, so next cycle I may just relax. No charting, but I don't intend on packing condoms in the suitcase either, so what happens, happens.
I just had to get that out. I am having such a crappy day today, and yesterday wasn't too good either.
Yesterday started with a phone call from work to see if I had a sick note for being off work this week. I thought that was totally insensitive. I only had my D&C just over a week ago and work are already on my case. I told her that I will get a sick note as the hospital didn't give me one. I told her that I should be back next tuesday, but that I will see how I feel. I may cut my hours from 20 to 15 per week, at least until I get back from Menorca. It seems that I am always tired these days. From a book that I have read about m/c recently, it seems that it a grief mechanism.
Then I started to get cramps from about 4pm. By the time that Mark got home, it felt like labour, and then the pains just dissappeared.
I had a dr's appointment this morning to get my sick note. I asked himn about these pains, which he says is normal. I am feeling pretty ropey today. I nearly passed out twice while I was out, once in the library, and then in the chemist. After that I decided to come home as I felt that I was a danger to myself, and of course to Connor.
I just don't feel that I am coping very well at the moment.............
I am going to go and give Connor a great big hug and kiss and tell him how much I love him.
I feel a bit better today, not alot, but a bit. I have even attempted so housework today!! I am still having dizzy spells, and am soooo tired, even though I am getting at least 9 hours of sleep a night.
I was listening to one of my albums yesterday, and came across a song that put things into perspective a little bit. It's by Gabrielle: It's gonna get better...
We do what we do
To try and get us through
Our darkest days
A time in life that's not so bright
And there will be days when we cry
And we don't know why
You've gotta fight it
Those days will pass you by
It's gonna get better
Everybody knows there's brighter days
It's gonna get better
Live your life, and take it day by day
Be positive in mind or you'll
Fall before you even try
Sometimes it takes a helping hand
(A helping hand is what you need)
To show you that life goes on
There's a brand new dawn
When you're feeling down
There's always a reason
To hold on
You gotta live your life
Cause life is for the living
And you don't know
If you'll get the chance again
You gotta find a way to hold on maybe
Faith will help you carry on
Just fight it
Take it in your stride
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna get better, pick yourself up and start again
And maybe when you find yourself alone
You'll have the time
To gather all your thoughts
And when you find
You're not so strong
You'll have the strength
To carry on
And even when you find yourself in doubt
You'll never lose sight
Of what your life's about
And when you find you're losing faith
You'll get the strength to help you
Tell yourself it's gonna get better
Just tell yourself that
It is gonna get better
Just tell yourself
It's gonna get better
I am still trying to think of something special to do to remember my angel by. I am not brave enough to get a tatoo of an angel, so I may get a braclet with something dedicated to my Little Boo inscribed on it. I'm going to ask Mark to see if he any ideas.
I'm having a better day today, but am displaying some odd behaviour even for me!! The house is a tip and could use a really good clean top to bottom, so what do I do. I pick one thing and spend all day doing it!! I decided that today was the time to sorty out the cd rack Half the cases didn't have cds in, so I took everything out and started from scatch. I'll have to make more of an effort to clean the house tomorrow.
I'm on CD12 today, not that we are trying this cycle or anything. I hope that I am going to be one of the lucky ones and get AF back within 4/5 weeks. I read one horror story of one lady who didn't get AF for more than 12 weeks. I'm really itching to get stuck back into TTC. I know that it may sound wird, ot maybe seem that I don't care about the little angel that I have just lost, but I am so broody, and just want to feel a little baby in my arms again.
Nicky: (((hugs))). I am sorry that AF is giving you a hard time. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers on Tuesday. It is a lovely image that you conjured in your letter to your angels. Any little baby would be really lucky to have you as parents, and I am sure that it will soon be your turn.
I am supposed to be at work today, but I'm not!!!!!
I was going to go into work today, honest. I didn't plan on stopping for very long as I still have a sick note to cover me for this week, but I wanted to catch up with my emails, see what I have missed, see if there was anything that I could do from home (although I doubt it for security reasons) and to see what my wages are going to be!!
The I had a visiter yesterday afternoon from work. I nearly died of shock, especially as it was a public holiday yesterday. I know that Tracy only lives down the road from me, but I didn't expect her to come and visit. I should explain that Tracy is not my boss, but my boss's boss
Anyway, I answered the door and there she was. She told me that I was hard to get hold of. I did say that I don't always hear people knocking on the door, especially if Connor is awake as he make soooooo much noise. It was nice to see her, and she brought me a card signed by all my team and friends and a big box of chocolates, which was really nice of her. She took my sick note from me and said that I was not to come in this week as I didn't look too well (very pale and tired looking). So it looks like it will be next week now before I go back. I will only be in for a few weeks before we go on holiday (by the way, what is wrong with my ticker??? I input the right date, but it says that I should be on holiday now!!!)
I guess that I need to make an appointment with the GP again and get poked to see if I am anaemic and get that sorted out before TTC again.
On the ttc front, I had some cramping pains down the left side, low down yesterday. It felt a bit like O, but I couldn't be sure. I hope that it was at I would then be able to predict when AF will arrive. (although my temps certainly don't indicate O, but then again, I don't expect then to)
Nicky: I hope that you hear back from your interviews soon. Have fun at the fair today, thinking of you.
Teresa: I know that you are probably busy, but just wanted to say that I hope that your DH is doing well.
Hopefully will get to know some of you other TTC'ers soon. Good luck and tons of babydust too all.
Well, I wouldn't normally write twice in one day, but I just had to say that I am feeling much more positive today. I have just read everyone else's journals and it was so nice to see some mentions for me. So thanks Dayna & Nicky. I hope that you all get to go to the May board. Sending all my spare babydust (afterall, I don't need it just yet, may as well give it away to some deserving people!)
I am also feeling happy because DH and I got some practice in today It was the first time for weeks, since I found out we were pg actually I think that DH was just glad that it hadn't shriveled up and dropped off from lack of use!!! And I know that it won't be long before he is complaning that he's tired and that I on;y want to bd because I want a baby. All I can say is hurry up AF and bring it ON...................!!!!