Becky's TOC to TTC

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Becky's TOC to TTC

Contents:
TTC #1 pp. 1-3
TTCAL - pp. 3-

My first post in my TOC (hopefully soon to be TTC) journal.

The waiting is making me crazy.

I'm still on BCP and will be taking it at least until mid-April, the end of this pack. DH said that depending on our raises at the end of the month I would maybe stop BCP after this pack. I don't really know what he is looking for in the raises. Sometimes I feel like just as we clear one obstacle, another appears. And he won't talk about it. He says I'm pushing the issue. I love him to death but this is so frustrating. We are in an ok position to TTC.

We've been married a year and a half. We have a house. We have no CC debt. We're ok financially and have stable careers. My medication problem has been cleared and I've lost over 30lbs in anticipation of TTC.

This journal will probably make me crazy too.:eek:

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Pros and Cons

Here's my pro and con list that I posted on the TOC board yesterday.
PROS:
* We've been married a year and a half
* We both have stable careers
* We own our own house
* We have no credit card debt, only student loan debt
* We both want kids
* I've lost over 30 lbs to be at a better weight
* I've settled my medication situation
* DH isn't getting any younger! (he's 7 years older than I am)

CONS:
* Student loan debt (not that it's going away any time soon)
* We make enough money, but we could always use more (can't everybody?)
* I could still lose more weight even though the doc said I'm ok for pregnancy

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Names

Here are some names I like right now. There's only the 2 boy names that we can actually agree on. And he doesn't like some of the girl names.

GIRL: (middle name Marie)
Lily
Emma
Claire
Kaylee
Kayla
Leah
Sarah

BOY:
Nicholas Robert
Nicholas Owen

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Not me...Yet

It seems like everyone is pregnant!

It seems like everyday someone new is pregnant! And lots of people I work with or am friends with have recently had kids. And I don't know when it'll be my turn. DH won't talk about it. Since he told me I was being pushy, I haven't mentioned it. I won't mention it again until after his conference next week (so beginning of April). I'm really hoping I won't have to refill my BCP.

And I don't have anyone to talk to. No one I know personally is in the same boat as I am, or they're just not talking about it either. Sad

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Baby's room

So, DH is going on a business trip next week and I wanted to paint our bedroom while he was away. Today he told me he thought it would be a better idea for me to paint the "other room" (baby's room) instead. His rationale was that if I mess it up or don't like it we can paint over it and not have to see it every day and because we're going to remove the carpet in there anyway if I spill.

So, then he told me to paint it like a nursery - whatever I want. And I thought that was a good sign. So, I said that I hadn't thought about painting that room because I thought it would be pushing him more. And then he said that painting the room has no bearing on our decision on when to TTC. I think he should have said his decision, since I'm ready to go.

It's strange how one minute I can be so excited about painting the baby's room and the next really upset because it still doesn't change anything. We still have no baby. And no timeline to speak of.

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Raises

Well, on Wednesday I'll find out my raise. DH said he wanted to wait to see what our raises look like before we TTC. I'm hoping it's good news.

I keep seeing all these people on the TTC board getting BFPs and I know a lot of pg ladies and I'm soooo jealous! I have major baby fever.

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My mother

I was talking to my mother about various things today. First, I was telling her about how DH thought it would be a better idea if I painted the baby's room - so I was telling her the colors I picked out (from the Disney collection at Home Depot) and a moons & stars themed boarder for the wall (I like the moon & stars theme for the nursery). And then I was telling her about this book that DH bought that has a bunch of wood projects (tables, bookshelves, etc) and that one of them was a sandbox. And she says "You do all this stuff for a phantom baby"

That was not nice. :arguing:

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It's official!

DH and I both got awesome raises. My last day of BCP is April 5 and then we're TTC! I can't wait! And I can't wait to chart! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself

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Baby's room part 2

I started painting today. I'm using 2 colors - yellow and green. I've started with the yellow, which is "Tigger's Tummy" by Disney/Behr. I haven't picked the green yet. Smile

I painted after work today and got about 1/4 of the room done. DH is at a conference in Vegas this week, and he knows I'm doing this "project" - I hope he's as happy with the results as I am (so far anyway).

It's finally real. It's not like I'm just painting to paint. We're actually going to TTC. God willing, there will be a baby in there in 2009.

Speaking of 2009, I'm dying for the 09 birth boards to go up! I'm so obsessed.

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I finished with the walls that are "Tigger's Tummy". Now all that's left are the walls that are "Friendly Frog" and then some touch up! YAY! It's really starting to look like a baby's room!

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I need to remember to call the pharmacy and tell them not to refill my BCP (it's on automatic refill). That is so cool Smile

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6 more days until I stop BCP. I cannot wait!

I finished the painting. I'll post a pic later.

I'm going to a baptism today - not going to help with my baby fever when I hold my friend's new baby boy.

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DH liked the room! YIPEE!

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Saturday is the last pill. I'm getting really nervous about how wonky my cycles will be.

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Sometimes I feel like I just cannot wait any longer! I'm so nervous about my cycles off BCP - I have no idea what to expect.

My friend's baby shower is coming up, so I'll be going to Babies r Us soon......I wonder if I'll get something for me too. DH might think I'm nuts if I do that.

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Finally finished with the BCP - now I'm just waiting for AF to show so I can start charting!! Yipee! :kaos3:

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.....waiting for AF.........

At least the 09 boards are up - YAY!

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still no AF. I don't think I've ever wanted her to show so bad in my life! I've been temping the past few days even though I don't have a chart yet, just to get used to it and so I'll have a temp to put in when she does show. I do have some mild cramping and pain in my thigh (always get that before AF), so I'm hoping she's on the way.

I was so down about it yesterday. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I think this journey is going to be hard for me - as well as exciting! But I'm sure there are going to be times when I feel really down about it. Unless I get pg right away (one can dream).

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Limbo

I've been feeling really down lately - for a bunch of reasons. Things at work are a little slow - I'm transferring to another section at the end of the month and it can't come soon enough! I feel like I'm just floating around waiting.....and it's getting on my nervs.

And then there's weight loss. I've lost over 30 pounds in the past year and that's fantastic. I still have more to lose, but I'm not a dangerous level in case I do get pregnant. So, I'm also a fan of the Biggest Loser and watching it used to motivate me - give me hints on how to prepare food and on new exercises. But lately I've been stuck at 179 and not budging. So BL on Monday just made me depressed - like a total failure because I can't achieve what these people did. So feeling like that is a bad cycle because then I get down and I don't want to go to the gym and I don't want to be bothered to make something good to eat and then I don't lose any more weight and then I feel worse! UGH!

And I'm now on CD30. That's counting the entire last cycle I had on BCP because I still haven't gotten AF. So then I feel like my body is rebelling against me and I don't know why. I'm sure stressing voer it is just making it worse, but I can't stop. I need to just step back and take a breath. I'm so glad it's almost the weekend.

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When I first mentioned to the doc that DH and I were thinking of TTC, we talked about coming off the BCP. He told me that since I was irregular before starting them (7 years ago!) that I may not regulate quickly. He said if I didn't get AF (for a few months) then they would give me something to kick start it. For some reason I never really thought that was going to happen, and I'm still praying that I don't need him to start AF for me in 2 months.

I'm trying to be positive. I figure I'll just keep temping and checking my CM and recording it. I figure, I didn't get AF, so I haven't ovulated. So if I didn't O, then I will have to at some point. And when I'm really feeling positive about the whole thing, I think maybe I'll O and we'll catch it and I won't get AF at all. Not stressing about it is going to be the key for me. I'm trying to find other things to occupy my mind.

This weekend, we're taking down some hideous wallpaper that's in our hallway and we're going to paint where it was (probably won't get to the painting until next weekend). And I know that, whereas this week at work was boring, the next 2 weeks are going to be busier and I have a lot more things to take care of before I transfer my position. I get to pick a new cube on Tuesday (won't move into it until the end of the month, at the earliest). I'm hoping I'll be able to land one with a window.

I'm also trying to think that everything happens for a reason. I do firmly believe in that. My friend also put it this way - she has 3 kids and she said that if she had gotten pg at a different time, it would have been a different sperm and a different egg and her kids would be totally different kids. Not that they would be bad, but they wouldn't be the same. So, I'm trying to think that when it's the right sperm and the right egg for us, God will give us the child we've been hoping for.

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OK, so here's what we have.
No AF (currently CD 35)
Funky CM (no pattern)
Wet CM last night and DH didn't want to BD because he was "tired and had a long day"

Equals - major frustration.

And to top it off, I had a rotten day at work yesterday. I'll just say that I had to stick to my guns and policy and be the "bad guy" and I got yelled at because the person on the other end didn't want to accept what I had to say. So that sucked.

On the plus side,, I've been running and I can now run a full mile without stopping and do 2 total miles in a half hour (I have to walk during the second mile). I'm getting there....slowly. And Ali won the Biggest Loser last night which made me so happy. She did such a fantastic job and was such an inspiration to me. I'm very glad she won and I'm very glad a girl finally won!

I wish my new position would start already. I feel like they just keep stringing me along! I just want to transfer and get settled in the new position - it'll be better for my sanity. I've about had it where I am right now and yesterday was the icing on the cake!

Ok enough rambling - I've got work to do. BLAH!

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Positive OPK today!!!!!!! :jumpingbeans:

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And a picture!

I'm such a geek - I took a picture of my OPK, since it was the first + one I've ever gotten.

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Baby's room

Here are some pics of the paint job I did in the baby's room....still needs some touching up - and you can still see the painter's tape!


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Temp spiked today.....I hope I really did O

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I got crosshairs on FF today. It says I o'd on Monday. And my chances og getting pg are "good" - but not "excellent" since we didin't BD on O day. I still feel like I o'd on Sunday though.

I'm trying not to totally psych myself out about it.

But, this is how I feel today:
Headache
Slight cramp in lower left side (I'm hoping it's implantation, but it's probably gas)
Queasy
Exhausted

But that's it. And I keep telling myself that it's too early to have symptoms....or it could be allergies......or completely psychosomatic.

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So, I don't know. I have "symptoms" but as I said before it could be PMS, something random, or psychosomatic. My bbs are sore, and I had some cramping yesterday, but none today. I also have wicked gas and am feeling bloated and constipated. And my scale said I gained a whole pound since yesterday - bloat! I've been sooooo tired, sleeping after work and then at night, but last night, even though I was dead tired, I didn't sleep well - I kept waking up and feeling groggy. And yesterday I was a little dizzy. I won't know for a while...at least 5 days until I can test, and 9 until AF is due. The 2ww sucks!

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I'm going to pick this journal up where I left off because I can't talk about TTC on my blog (too many family members read it).

A few days after the last entry on here, I found out I was pg. We were over the moon! Everything went smoothly until 17 weeks, when I got a high AFP test. We had an amnio and everything was fine, but the doctor said the high AFP could be a sign of placental insufficiency. I didn't think anything about it and was blissfully pregnant for the next month.

At 22 weeks I had an anatomy scan that showed that the baby was small. My BP was a little high, but there were no other signs of pre-e (I didn't have it, in the end). I went back at 24 weeks and the baby had grown, but not much. At 26 weeks they put me in the hospital because there was reverse flow in the cord. Our daughter, Gabrielle, was born at 27 weeks on 10/12 (my 27th birthday).

She only weighed 1lb 1 oz. They brought her to the NICU. She did super well for 3 1/2 weeks - she was still ont he vent, but they were going to wean her off. She was feeding, her feeds were increasing, and she was gaining weight. She didn't have any brain bleeds or a PDA. Finally, she was able to take all her meds orally, and they didn't have a single IV in her - for about 12 hours. Then she started spitting up. And she pulled her tube out. They were afraid she aspirated her feeds and they put her on antibiotics. The x-ray the next day showed she hadn't aspirated anything, which was great.

She was on antibiotics for 3 weeks and she was not getting better. At one point we had a drain put in her belly because of the severe edema. She was getting worse, and the doctors didn't know why.

On 11/27 at 4:30 am she passed away in our arms. She had been satting in the 50s for hours and she was experiencing kidney failure. We were devastated. The autopsy showed that she had a small perforation in her bowel that could not have been fixed - she was simply too small for surgery and too unstable.

The doctor said I could TTC again in March. I had a number of blood tests done to check for clotting disorders, but everything was negative. I have an appointment at the end of February to talk about TTC again.

As it stands now though, DH is having a very hard time and is not ready. I hope he will be ready next month. I'm scared that this will happen again. I'm scared that I'll have a m/c, early or late. I'm scared that I'll have a hard time getting pg this time around. I'm scared that I won't ever have a baby of my own. But I want to try.

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I've been having a super hard time lately.

Let's start with work. I haven't been able to get myself together totally since returning to work in December. I've been slow and making mistakes, and today it just all came to a head for me. I got some work back with corrections, which is normal, but I thought I had done so much better. I just felt so stupid and sat and cried. Like, what good am I at anything anymore? I can't work properly, I can't have a baby, etc.

I have PMS too, that could be a factor in my total meltdown.

I go to the doctor at the end of this month. It'll be 3 months to the day since Gabi died. Almost 5 months since she was born. I have this irrational fear that he'll say "You know what, you shouldn't even try" I know he's not going to say that. I know he's going to say that he didn't find anything wrong with me after extensive testing and that he can't guarantee that it won't happen again, but that we can try again. I know he's going to say that. I'm just so afraid anyway.

And I'm afraid that when I come home from the appointment and tell DH that he gave us the OK, that DH will still want to wait. I don't know if he will....I don't know how long....and I don't want to wait anymore.

But then, when I do get pg, I'm afraid of that too. On the one hand, I truly believe that God will bless us and that we'll have a healthy baby. I do. It's just hard to reconcile with my feelings of late. I'm scared, and that's all there is to it.

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My mother told me about some dreams she had. I'm not really one who puts a whole lot of stock in dreams, but lately I've started to wonder about it.

First she told me about a dream that she just had. In the dream she was holding my baby....and he/she was a chunky healthy baby. She hoped it meant that next time I'll have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Then she mentioned the only 2 baby dreams she had when I was pregnant. In both dreams, there was something wrong with the baby....she had a really big head but no body and she felt like something was wrong. And then Gabi was born and she had a big head and a teeny tiny body.

I guess I'm just feeling so deaperate and grasping at straws.

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Blah. I'm sick. I had a fever last night, and then it went down this morning so I had to go to work and now I feel crappy all over again. Achey and my throat hurts as well as my head. And I bet if I took my temp now, the fever would be back.

I have been in a crappy mood all around for the past week. I'm almost looking forward to AF because then I'll feel better.

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I really hope DH agrees to TTC after my doctor appointment

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Here's where it is right now for trying again.

IF the doctor says it's ok on the 27th, I'll be CD14. Normally, I O around CD 17 or 18. So if DH says ok, I could get a BFP on St. Patrick's Day! HOWEVER, I don't know if DH will say ok or will want to wait a little longer (I really really am praying that he says ok). The downside is if I got pg then, I'd have a Nov. due date, and I can't take maternity leave again until dec. 10, which means I'd have to have the baby on or after 12/10 (since I took it with Gabi because we didn't know what all was going to happen).

IF cycles go according to plan and I got pg in early April instead, I'd have a due date around Christmas, and with the factored in c-section date - it'd be around the 10th (after but probably not by much). Assuming all went well.

Then again, I'm not convinced that I care about not being able to take mat leave b/c I can take it all as disability - the difference is I'd be paid 80% for those weeks instead of 100%. I'm pretty sure we could financially handle that as well as a few unpaid weeks on top of it.

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My cousin is due to have her baby any day. She's not actually due till 3/7, but the doctor said she could go any time now. Since Gabi died, I've been really scared about my feelings when her baby comes. I thought it would be hard for me to see her at Christmas, but it wasn't. I thought I'd be sad when the baby came, but I don't think I will. As the time approaches, I've started to get really excited for her and to see the baby. I hope she has him/her before I go back to my parents' house for my grandmother's birthday, so that I can see him/her. I really love babies, and I really want one of my own, but I'm really happy for her and her husband.

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I'm thinking it'll be a no-go on March, since I'll O so soon after the doctor's appointment. I have myself on the testing thread just incase, but I bet a million dollars that I won't even need to test. Sad

I'm ok with that, really. One more month won't kill me.

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Today is one of those days when I just want to curl up in bed. Today I feel hopeless, helpless, and totally alone. Today I feel like I'll never be able to have a healthy baby. Today I'm bitter and jealous. Today I don't understand why this happened to us. Today I miss my baby girl.

Jesus, please lift me up and carry me today. I need you. I need to get through to tomorrow, because tomorrow will be a better day.

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How come some people can get and stay pregnant at the drop of the hat and others can't? How come some people have such a hard time getting pregnant, some have a hard time staying pregnant, and some a combination of both? I don't really think it's fair.

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I had a really good talk with DH on Saturday.

We were talking about trying again after the doctor gives us the ok. I said that if he gave us the ok this Friday and I got pg right away like last time then I'd be due in November and I wouldn't be able to take mat leave, but only disability at 80% pay and then a few unpaid weeks. This was a perfect "out" for him - he could have easily said that he didn't think financially we could do that and that we should wait longer. He DIDN'T. He said that it wouldn't be a problem and that we could do it.

We talked about me being nervous this time around and we both agree that I will be less nervous. I know that doesn't seem to make sense, but last time I was so nervous over everything and almost everything was just normal. I've done that before. I have very specific worries this time.

I think we'll be good to go by Friday, as long as the doctor says it's ok. PLease God, let this happen for us. Please let us get the ok to try. Please let us have a healthy baby in November.

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Today was my appointment, and it went great! The doctor said to "go for it" regarding TTC again and said that he thinks that it is very unlikely that the same thing would happen again because I tested negative for everything. To be on the safe side, he wants me to take baby asprin and he prescribed a prenatal that has a little extra folic acid in it. And when I get pg, I am to call the doc's office immediately to go on for progesterone supplements, to create a "more friendly uterine environment"

Down side: When I called Dh to tell him how great the appt was, he wasn't nearly as excited about it and didn't want to TTC yet. He said he wasn't ready, and soon, but not yet. I'm hoping he just has to process a little bit.

So, Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful appointment today. Please work on my husband, and allow him to see with the hope and faith in the future that you've given me.

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Looks like I am NOT going to O today or tomorrow as I had thought. Maybe God knows DH needs a little more time so he's delaying my O? That's a pretty positive way of looking at it.

God, please give my DH whatever it is that he needs to help him move on.

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Temp dip today, though I haven't been charting long. I'm thinking I will O soon and miss November. DH still not on board, but I'm praying that he will be by the next cycle.

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Still no sign of O. Nothing. A little temp dip today, but no fertile CM at all. Nada.

I'm praying every night - praying my TTC prayers. Praying for a healthy baby. Praying for a November baby. I'll keep thinking that God is delaying the O until DH is ready unti proven otherwise Smile Other than that, I'm sort of at peace with everything. It will happen and God will bless us.

Speaking of DH, I asked him last night to tell me what he was thinking about the whole thing. And he said he just needs a little more time to process the whole thing, since even though he knew the doctor was going to say ok, it's different now that he has. He says he still has painful moments (as do I), but that overall he feels much better than he did last month. He also said he wants to get closer to the place where he can be happy and excited and not scared to death when I get pg. And he said he's probably not even taking a month, just a little more time.

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HUGE temp spike today. But I haven't had any fertile CM, so I don't know if it was an O temp spike or caused by something else. It's just so rare for me to jump up so high immediately, especially w/o any fertile CM.

I guess we'll see what the temp does tomorrow.

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I don't know why, but AF started today. I had a 21 day cycle with no O and then AF. Weird. I'm just gonna keep on praying. If DH gets on board, and I O on time with this cycle, I'd be due around Dec. 14th or so.

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I'm pretty sure I'm on my last thread. I'm so frustrated with DH. One minute he says soon. The next he won't talk about it. I don't know what soon is. I have no idea what he's thinking. He said probably this month, but he hasn't made any more noise about it. I want him on board. I want to try, at least we'll be trying and it'll be in God's hands. I pray every night that he comes around, but so far he hasn't. In the mean time it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant, and I really feel like I can't handle it anymore. Why not me? Why did this happen to us? Is it ever going to be ok? Are we ever going to have a family?

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I think I might be getting ready to O. I am not happy about this. I've never Od on cd 14 before, so why start now? DH still needs some time.

I'm pretty sure DH isn't going to be ready until after his conference in Vegas next week. So, then if I got pg right away again, I'd be due in January again. But early enough that the baby would be born at the end of December because of the necessary c-section.