still no AF. I don't think I've ever wanted her to show so bad in my life! I've been temping the past few days even though I don't have a chart yet, just to get used to it and so I'll have a temp to put in when she does show. I do have some mild cramping and pain in my thigh (always get that before AF), so I'm hoping she's on the way.
I was so down about it yesterday. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I think this journey is going to be hard for me - as well as exciting! But I'm sure there are going to be times when I feel really down about it. Unless I get pg right away (one can dream).
I've been feeling really down lately - for a bunch of reasons. Things at work are a little slow - I'm transferring to another section at the end of the month and it can't come soon enough! I feel like I'm just floating around waiting.....and it's getting on my nervs.
And then there's weight loss. I've lost over 30 pounds in the past year and that's fantastic. I still have more to lose, but I'm not a dangerous level in case I do get pregnant. So, I'm also a fan of the Biggest Loser and watching it used to motivate me - give me hints on how to prepare food and on new exercises. But lately I've been stuck at 179 and not budging. So BL on Monday just made me depressed - like a total failure because I can't achieve what these people did. So feeling like that is a bad cycle because then I get down and I don't want to go to the gym and I don't want to be bothered to make something good to eat and then I don't lose any more weight and then I feel worse! UGH!
And I'm now on CD30. That's counting the entire last cycle I had on BCP because I still haven't gotten AF. So then I feel like my body is rebelling against me and I don't know why. I'm sure stressing voer it is just making it worse, but I can't stop. I need to just step back and take a breath. I'm so glad it's almost the weekend.
When I first mentioned to the doc that DH and I were thinking of TTC, we talked about coming off the BCP. He told me that since I was irregular before starting them (7 years ago!) that I may not regulate quickly. He said if I didn't get AF (for a few months) then they would give me something to kick start it. For some reason I never really thought that was going to happen, and I'm still praying that I don't need him to start AF for me in 2 months.
I'm trying to be positive. I figure I'll just keep temping and checking my CM and recording it. I figure, I didn't get AF, so I haven't ovulated. So if I didn't O, then I will have to at some point. And when I'm really feeling positive about the whole thing, I think maybe I'll O and we'll catch it and I won't get AF at all. Not stressing about it is going to be the key for me. I'm trying to find other things to occupy my mind.
This weekend, we're taking down some hideous wallpaper that's in our hallway and we're going to paint where it was (probably won't get to the painting until next weekend). And I know that, whereas this week at work was boring, the next 2 weeks are going to be busier and I have a lot more things to take care of before I transfer my position. I get to pick a new cube on Tuesday (won't move into it until the end of the month, at the earliest). I'm hoping I'll be able to land one with a window.
I'm also trying to think that everything happens for a reason. I do firmly believe in that. My friend also put it this way - she has 3 kids and she said that if she had gotten pg at a different time, it would have been a different sperm and a different egg and her kids would be totally different kids. Not that they would be bad, but they wouldn't be the same. So, I'm trying to think that when it's the right sperm and the right egg for us, God will give us the child we've been hoping for.