OK, so here's what we have.
No AF (currently CD 35)
Funky CM (no pattern)
Wet CM last night and DH didn't want to BD because he was "tired and had a long day"
Equals - major frustration.
And to top it off, I had a rotten day at work yesterday. I'll just say that I had to stick to my guns and policy and be the "bad guy" and I got yelled at because the person on the other end didn't want to accept what I had to say. So that sucked.
On the plus side,, I've been running and I can now run a full mile without stopping and do 2 total miles in a half hour (I have to walk during the second mile). I'm getting there....slowly. And Ali won the Biggest Loser last night which made me so happy. She did such a fantastic job and was such an inspiration to me. I'm very glad she won and I'm very glad a girl finally won!
I wish my new position would start already. I feel like they just keep stringing me along! I just want to transfer and get settled in the new position - it'll be better for my sanity. I've about had it where I am right now and yesterday was the icing on the cake!
So, I don't know. I have "symptoms" but as I said before it could be PMS, something random, or psychosomatic. My bbs are sore, and I had some cramping yesterday, but none today. I also have wicked gas and am feeling bloated and constipated. And my scale said I gained a whole pound since yesterday - bloat! I've been sooooo tired, sleeping after work and then at night, but last night, even though I was dead tired, I didn't sleep well - I kept waking up and feeling groggy. And yesterday I was a little dizzy. I won't know for a while...at least 5 days until I can test, and 9 until AF is due. The 2ww sucks!
I'm going to pick this journal up where I left off because I can't talk about TTC on my blog (too many family members read it).
A few days after the last entry on here, I found out I was pg. We were over the moon! Everything went smoothly until 17 weeks, when I got a high AFP test. We had an amnio and everything was fine, but the doctor said the high AFP could be a sign of placental insufficiency. I didn't think anything about it and was blissfully pregnant for the next month.
At 22 weeks I had an anatomy scan that showed that the baby was small. My BP was a little high, but there were no other signs of pre-e (I didn't have it, in the end). I went back at 24 weeks and the baby had grown, but not much. At 26 weeks they put me in the hospital because there was reverse flow in the cord. Our daughter, Gabrielle, was born at 27 weeks on 10/12 (my 27th birthday).
She only weighed 1lb 1 oz. They brought her to the NICU. She did super well for 3 1/2 weeks - she was still ont he vent, but they were going to wean her off. She was feeding, her feeds were increasing, and she was gaining weight. She didn't have any brain bleeds or a PDA. Finally, she was able to take all her meds orally, and they didn't have a single IV in her - for about 12 hours. Then she started spitting up. And she pulled her tube out. They were afraid she aspirated her feeds and they put her on antibiotics. The x-ray the next day showed she hadn't aspirated anything, which was great.
She was on antibiotics for 3 weeks and she was not getting better. At one point we had a drain put in her belly because of the severe edema. She was getting worse, and the doctors didn't know why.
On 11/27 at 4:30 am she passed away in our arms. She had been satting in the 50s for hours and she was experiencing kidney failure. We were devastated. The autopsy showed that she had a small perforation in her bowel that could not have been fixed - she was simply too small for surgery and too unstable.
The doctor said I could TTC again in March. I had a number of blood tests done to check for clotting disorders, but everything was negative. I have an appointment at the end of February to talk about TTC again.
As it stands now though, DH is having a very hard time and is not ready. I hope he will be ready next month. I'm scared that this will happen again. I'm scared that I'll have a m/c, early or late. I'm scared that I'll have a hard time getting pg this time around. I'm scared that I won't ever have a baby of my own. But I want to try.
Let's start with work. I haven't been able to get myself together totally since returning to work in December. I've been slow and making mistakes, and today it just all came to a head for me. I got some work back with corrections, which is normal, but I thought I had done so much better. I just felt so stupid and sat and cried. Like, what good am I at anything anymore? I can't work properly, I can't have a baby, etc.
I have PMS too, that could be a factor in my total meltdown.
I go to the doctor at the end of this month. It'll be 3 months to the day since Gabi died. Almost 5 months since she was born. I have this irrational fear that he'll say "You know what, you shouldn't even try" I know he's not going to say that. I know he's going to say that he didn't find anything wrong with me after extensive testing and that he can't guarantee that it won't happen again, but that we can try again. I know he's going to say that. I'm just so afraid anyway.
And I'm afraid that when I come home from the appointment and tell DH that he gave us the OK, that DH will still want to wait. I don't know if he will....I don't know how long....and I don't want to wait anymore.
But then, when I do get pg, I'm afraid of that too. On the one hand, I truly believe that God will bless us and that we'll have a healthy baby. I do. It's just hard to reconcile with my feelings of late. I'm scared, and that's all there is to it.
My mother told me about some dreams she had. I'm not really one who puts a whole lot of stock in dreams, but lately I've started to wonder about it.
First she told me about a dream that she just had. In the dream she was holding my baby....and he/she was a chunky healthy baby. She hoped it meant that next time I'll have a healthy pregnancy and baby.
Then she mentioned the only 2 baby dreams she had when I was pregnant. In both dreams, there was something wrong with the baby....she had a really big head but no body and she felt like something was wrong. And then Gabi was born and she had a big head and a teeny tiny body.
I guess I'm just feeling so deaperate and grasping at straws.