Blah. I'm sick. I had a fever last night, and then it went down this morning so I had to go to work and now I feel crappy all over again. Achey and my throat hurts as well as my head. And I bet if I took my temp now, the fever would be back.
I have been in a crappy mood all around for the past week. I'm almost looking forward to AF because then I'll feel better.
IF the doctor says it's ok on the 27th, I'll be CD14. Normally, I O around CD 17 or 18. So if DH says ok, I could get a BFP on St. Patrick's Day! HOWEVER, I don't know if DH will say ok or will want to wait a little longer (I really really am praying that he says ok). The downside is if I got pg then, I'd have a Nov. due date, and I can't take maternity leave again until dec. 10, which means I'd have to have the baby on or after 12/10 (since I took it with Gabi because we didn't know what all was going to happen).
IF cycles go according to plan and I got pg in early April instead, I'd have a due date around Christmas, and with the factored in c-section date - it'd be around the 10th (after but probably not by much). Assuming all went well.
Then again, I'm not convinced that I care about not being able to take mat leave b/c I can take it all as disability - the difference is I'd be paid 80% for those weeks instead of 100%. I'm pretty sure we could financially handle that as well as a few unpaid weeks on top of it.
My cousin is due to have her baby any day. She's not actually due till 3/7, but the doctor said she could go any time now. Since Gabi died, I've been really scared about my feelings when her baby comes. I thought it would be hard for me to see her at Christmas, but it wasn't. I thought I'd be sad when the baby came, but I don't think I will. As the time approaches, I've started to get really excited for her and to see the baby. I hope she has him/her before I go back to my parents' house for my grandmother's birthday, so that I can see him/her. I really love babies, and I really want one of my own, but I'm really happy for her and her husband.
I'm thinking it'll be a no-go on March, since I'll O so soon after the doctor's appointment. I have myself on the testing thread just incase, but I bet a million dollars that I won't even need to test.
I'm ok with that, really. One more month won't kill me.
Today is one of those days when I just want to curl up in bed. Today I feel hopeless, helpless, and totally alone. Today I feel like I'll never be able to have a healthy baby. Today I'm bitter and jealous. Today I don't understand why this happened to us. Today I miss my baby girl.
Jesus, please lift me up and carry me today. I need you. I need to get through to tomorrow, because tomorrow will be a better day.
How come some people can get and stay pregnant at the drop of the hat and others can't? How come some people have such a hard time getting pregnant, some have a hard time staying pregnant, and some a combination of both? I don't really think it's fair.
We were talking about trying again after the doctor gives us the ok. I said that if he gave us the ok this Friday and I got pg right away like last time then I'd be due in November and I wouldn't be able to take mat leave, but only disability at 80% pay and then a few unpaid weeks. This was a perfect "out" for him - he could have easily said that he didn't think financially we could do that and that we should wait longer. He DIDN'T. He said that it wouldn't be a problem and that we could do it.
We talked about me being nervous this time around and we both agree that I will be less nervous. I know that doesn't seem to make sense, but last time I was so nervous over everything and almost everything was just normal. I've done that before. I have very specific worries this time.
I think we'll be good to go by Friday, as long as the doctor says it's ok. PLease God, let this happen for us. Please let us get the ok to try. Please let us have a healthy baby in November.
Today was my appointment, and it went great! The doctor said to "go for it" regarding TTC again and said that he thinks that it is very unlikely that the same thing would happen again because I tested negative for everything. To be on the safe side, he wants me to take baby asprin and he prescribed a prenatal that has a little extra folic acid in it. And when I get pg, I am to call the doc's office immediately to go on for progesterone supplements, to create a "more friendly uterine environment"
Down side: When I called Dh to tell him how great the appt was, he wasn't nearly as excited about it and didn't want to TTC yet. He said he wasn't ready, and soon, but not yet. I'm hoping he just has to process a little bit.
So, Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful appointment today. Please work on my husband, and allow him to see with the hope and faith in the future that you've given me.