So I have just found this TTC Journal place tonight. I've been reading through some of the other journals on here and I feel like this is a good place to vent and record some of my thoughts/feelings/frustrations. Here's my story up to this point...
My name is Jill. I am 25. My husband and I got married in Sept 05. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted children. But it is so much more than just wanting! It's an inner desire that burns deep into my heart. It's an aching, longing. I'm sure you know what I am talking about!
While all my life I have had this desire, I was also told on numerous occasions that I would more than likely have trouble getting pregnant on my own. I was told I had endometriosis (which I now know I don't) and PCOS (which I dont' have either). Needless to say, I was crushed! If this was true, and I really did have problems and issues that prevented pregnancy, the only options were assisted fertilty and/or adoption. Both of which I am/was willing to try, but both of which are very expensive.
My DH and I decided that we were going to start trying for our first child in April 05, despite our quasi-diagnosis. We went for 5 months until one day I had strange feelings. I had a sour/metallic taste in my mouth almost constantly. My breasts hurt. I was exhausted all the time. It seemed like I just woke up to take a nap. I had slight nausea. I recognized these symptoms as early signs of pregnancy, but didnt' want to believe them. Especially since I had taken 7 tests and all were BFN.
Then I began cramping. That isn't normal for me at all, so I took another test. It was very faintly positive. I about fell on the floor. I called my dr because of the cramping and he said to come in right away. He tested me - I had been pregnant. His exact words to me were "You were pregnant. You're not anymore." He then walked out of the room. I was left feeling confused, angry, excited that I actually got pregnant at all, and completely sick.
Once it sank in that I had miscarried, I panicked. What happened? Will I be able to get pregnant again? Will I be able to carry full term if I do get pregnant again? It was an emotional battle for me.
While all this is going on, I found out that a friend of mine who didn't want children was pregnant. I got extremely angry with her. She didn't even want kids and here she is - pregnant! I want children and I lost mine!
In the months that followed, I now have 8 people directly around me who are pregnant. One of whom is my best friend. Her children are my goddaughters. Her new baby will be my godchild as well. It was bittersweet when I saw her test. I was with her - in the bathroom - when she took it. She knows my heart and knows my longing, aching. She cried for me.
I am now waiting for my next BFP. I am back on the road of TTC again. It is so hard for me at times. There are days when I am completely hit with the thought of not being pregnant right now. There are days when all I want to do is cry. But then there are days when hope comes back and a still, small voice says, "Don't give up."
So that's what I'm doing. Or not doing. I'm not giving up. This journal is meant to help me on that road of hope. I hope to be able to keep my thoughts and feelings here without being afraid that I will insult anyone around me. Here I hope to be able to say what I want and hopefully get some advice/encouragement in return.
Here's to not giving up...