The big question is *IF*....

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Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15
The big question is *IF*....

I looked on fertility friend today and I'm on my 9th cycle! Yikes! I know I got a bfp back in August, but I don't count it since I knew about it for only a few days and had barely adjusted to the fact I was pg before I got the news that I wasn't any longer. Today is one of those days where I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm not sure if my diabetes is screwing up my cycle or what, but to have a 35 day cycle and no bfp crushed me. I had the worst pain on my right side before af showed up too, which tells me I had yet another corpeus luteum cyst. I've had those with my last 4 pg, and also the past 3 months before af showed. I worry, of course about the cysts not disappearing normally and having to have surgery. Maybe it was just too much stress which delayed af from showing up. I wish I knew.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, but I know in my heart another baby isn't in God's timing for me right now, I can feel that in my heart. I also reflect back that after the death of our first little boy, it took a year and 3 months before I got pg again, then 9 months after our 2nd was born, then 18 months after the m/c, then 4 mos after that m/c, then I waited a year to let my body rest from all the m/c. Then got pg on the first try after we started TTC again. Then God gave us Hunter, such a wonderful blessing. Then the m/c again back in September.

I'm truly happy for all of my friends getitng a bfp, but sad at the same time because it's not happening for me. Things are so stressful financially, I guess there's no need to throw in a stressful high risk pg on top of everything else. I'm trying to focus on other things, like adopting a child. We have all the paperwork in and are now just waiting for everything to be approved. I have all the love in my heart for another child. It won't be a baby, I know, but it will be a child 7 years or older, and we hope for a daughter.

I need to stop throwing my pity party for myself today and look around and realize that it will happen eventually and I need to be thankful for my family that I have right in front of me. I couldn't ask for more.

Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15

Well, no new news. Dh and I just have baby fever really bad right now. I'm about a week out from O'ing. I haven't temped in a few months but my pre o temps seem to be very low. My doc mentioned it a few months back and he was wondering about thyroid problems. I guess that low Pre-O temps are one indicator of that disease. I hope not. Being a diabetic is enough for me.

Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15

Well, officially in the 2WW now....for the first time, I feel like it's going to be my month to see a bfp...but only time will tell....

Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15

Well, back to the time of the month when I just want to disappear. This is 10 cycles now. I'm going to the doctor sometime soon to get my thyroid tested. I'm showing all the classic signs. Dh is getting a new job so it will be nice to afford my diabetic supplies finally. Hopefully my doc will agree to put me on a pump. I'm getting really tired of sticking myself with needles all the time. I'm trying to cut back on carbs to help keep my sugars on a lower level, but it's hard when you like ice cream and chocolate. Smile We're adopting two children soon, but the time line isn't definite. Were it not for that, I might be a little more sad that we're not getting pg.

Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15

Well, God, in many ways, has given me an answer to my prayers for another baby, although it wasn't the answer I really wanted, but I am very thankful he answered.

DH and I have started doing daily devotions together, a first for us. We've started just letting our Bible fall open. Last night's scripture, when dh read it, made me completely just bawl because I knew God was speaking to me.

So I must paste it here and tell you what I got from this passage. This is the NIV version of the Bible:
"Isaiah 54
The Future Glory of Zion
1 "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD .
2 "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

(I took this to mean two things: One, my feeling of God doesn't want us to have another baby right now is correct, and two, we're going through the adoption process right now and everything is falling into place so easily, so I know now that we were meant to adopt at this time in our lives!)

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

(I had an affair on dh)

5 For your Maker is your husband-the LORD Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit-a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

(This passage described my life thus far. I was married young and dh had an affair, but our marriage survived it)

7"For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 "To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD , who has compassion on you.

(I have felt for the past few months that God has abandoned me. My daily prayer has become for God to please not let go of me. I felt I was praying and crying out but not finding God. I have also been stressed to the point that I feel like just giving up. I feel like God is now going to bring my life to peace.)

11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a] your foundations with sapphires.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.

(God is going to rebuild my soul and spirit and only He can make the beauty he created truly beautiful!)

13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children's peace.

(We've had big time frustrations with our two sons lately and have wanted to throw in the towel. God is going to bring them both great peace!)

14 In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD .

(This I took to describe a very situation that we're going through right now. DH has been getting retaliated against work for reporting sexual harassment, and there is a lawsuit involved. One of his supervisors has been calling the police and trying to get him arrested. He's also been told that he's never going to win the lawsuit. And he's on a five day suspension now because he's been falsely accused about reporting a matter to the police that he obviously didn't report. I rest now on God's promise that we're not going to have to worry!)

I had to post this here, just because it has so much to do with my TTC journey. Even as I read back through the scripture this morning, it still touches my heart. I just want to thank the Lord Almighty for answering my prayers because my heart has been so troubled over so many things lately! All I can say is thank you God! Thank you God!

Joined: 12/14/02
Posts: 15

Two months after my last post, I FINALLY got a bfp and after a ton of 1st trimester bleeding and scares and worrying, I'm almost halfway there. I still blink and can't believe it that God has chosen to bless us with such a tiny life. I can't help worrying most days and the u/s days are the most terrifying. What if I go in and the baby's suddenly died at some point? What if they find something wrong with the baby? All the worrying is going to drive me nuts, but yet I know I have so so much to really be thankful for...