The Birth of Courage (m/c ment)

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raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
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The Birth of Courage (m/c ment)

I've been considering starting one of these for a while. After all, it has been 33, going on 34 cycles and NOTHING! Nada! Zilch! Zip!

It really does tend to wear on the soul month after month. There is only so long before you snap and can't take it anymore.

I guess a little background might be useful here.

DH Rob and I met at work late summer 2006. We both worked at an IT helpdesk. We were friends first while both of us were dating other people. A few weeks after Rob and I met, he broke up with his girlfriend. I was already in the process of considering breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 years (he was a lowlife going nowhere and extremely possesive!!) I finally got the courage to break up with mine a few weeks after that. We didn't start dating right away, but it didn't take long. We both just "clicked" and moved in together within 2 months.

It wasn't long before we started joking about marriage and the future. Literally...we moved in Jan 1, and I remember our first conversation about it was the middle of February! While it wasn't "official" we kinda both knew that was what we wanted.

A few months later (April '07), we accidentally became pregnant. Not sure how or what happened since we were using condoms, but it did. I got a faint BFP and blood test. Unfortunately, I miscarried 2 days after I found out (literally the same day that the doctor called to confirm the blood test).

At that point we took it as a sign. We are both pagans and believe strongly that it was a sign from some higher power that we were meant to follow this path. At that point we decided to get married and decided we would no longer use any birthcontrol whatsoever.

It's been now...34 cycles I think, and nothing. No BFP.

We were married in August 2008 in a celtic/medieval handfasting. While we've had MANY hardships since April '07 we are much stronger now as a couple and have worked very hard to be together. I won't write everything here and now, because I know there are going to be vents and postings that will more than definately cover the subject in the future.

I guess what happened differently this month that made me want to write this is...well...we've always been "just let it happen" style. Never obsessing, never focusing too much on O time, etc. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. What frusterated me is that I'm pretty regular (29 days avg, all the tests I've bother to do indicate O in the middle CD 14/15) but this month I Oed on CD 18!! WTF! And because I work rotating days/nights, we COMPLETELY missed it. Not one singe DTD in there in more than a week to even cover a chance.

My goal next cycle is to pay attention more and maybe move away from JLIH...who knows...maybe that will work?

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I think I just want this cycle to be over. I know DH and I have NO chance for this cycle so I just want AF to show and get it over with! I just hope it shows by next weekend as I don't want it around for my Holiday Christmas party at work!!

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

UG, today is CD9 - my nips are super sore but I KNOW there is no chances this month. I just want AF here NOW!!!

Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 66

Good luck, Rachel! I think you're moving in the right direction by trying to time it in the future. My Dr. said that by chance alone it will take some couples a looong time to conceive, so it wouldn't hurt to up your chances by DTD when you know it's around O time! A friend of mine tried JLIH for about a year, then they decided to do it every second day for 2 months. She got pregnant!

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Awesome! Thanks! Yeah, it's hard sometimes though just to get the energy. I know it will happen sometime...just don't know when!

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

So, today is CD16 and so far ALL of my OPKs are negative. And up until yesterday, snow white even! I mean, yesterday I had a faint faint faint barely there line. Like....WTF?? This is so odd....

I wonder what today's will have.

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Ok, I suck at updating this thing. I guess when I have things to say I forget to post them?

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

36 cycles. I am on number 36. 3 years (almost, but I guess when it's 28/29 day cycles, it's not a full 3 years per se).

I can't believe I am where I am.

In my heart, I know it will never happen. Is that odd? At some point I think I will have to accept that and move on.....

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I kind of lost it tonight and wrote this on a private note on FB - so far I've only tagged my DH and my best friend to read it, and set it so only they can see it... I do want a few other of my friends to read it as well, but don't want it "public" on FB to read, KWIM?

Here is the slightly edited version:

As of March 17, it will be one year since I got what I would consider really bad news - that nothing is wrong. I know that doesn't make sense, how could the news that nothing is wrong be bad? I will explain.

You see, DH and I sought out a specialist to find out why, after a long period of time of using no birth control, we were not getting pregnant. It was about this time last year we had just finished a round of intensive and intrusive testing at a fertility clinic with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and were pending the results.

My hopes walking into that office were that they might find something minor, treatable, that we could fix and all would be ok. My biggest worry was that they would find something horribly wrong with one of us that would mean we would 100% not be able to have kids. I never imagined that she would tell us that they could find nothing wrong.

So, as of March 17, 2009 we were labeled with "Unexplained Infertility".

There are many problems with this diagnosis. The first being that our chances of becoming pregnant on your own goes from 25% each month down to 1%. The second is, they won't do any further testing to isolate if there is a deeper problem because a) it costs too much when b) the treatment is all the same - fertility drugs and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART).

We were immediately given our options - Clomid (a drug to regulate and stimulate ovulation) and IUI (intra-uterine insemination). This combination apparently works extremely well to combat any potential ovulation/hormone/cycle issues a woman might have and it bypasses any problems the sperm might have in getting to the egg (they wash the sperm and put it in a special super charging solution so it lives longer and swims better and inject it right into the uterus). While this combo works well, it still costs a lot of $$ and only puts us back up to the same chances as a regular couple (I think the latest stats I read for successful IUI with Clomid is 25-30% success each month). We declined and decided to think about our options.

So, here we are, a year later from our test results and I am (obviously) not pregnant. The painful reality is that we are now on cycle #36 since we ditched the condoms....

We did seek out a second opinion this past October when we found out our specialist was moving to an office east just after we moved west. I went to this new place, referral and chart copy in hand and was basically told that the specialist we saw already was "the best of the best" in the field and that the new location could only recommend the same treatment. After leaving in tears that I could get no further testing done to find out if something actually was wrong, I accepted at least that we were lucky that their costs are less than 1/2 of the other clinic. I have coverage for the Clomid with my drug plan, but not for the IUI which is $300 plus tax, all inclusive (the other clinic was $650 I think, plus some "additional costs"). If we ever decide to go that route, it will be easier to budget.

We've been told a thousand times that "it will happen when it is supposed to happen" but I think the most horrible part of this all is the deep down nagging gut feeling I have that it will never happen. I no longer get my hopes up and I try not to over-analyze any potential "symptoms" as I just end feeling crushed when my "friend" shows up each month. I used to love being around pregnant women and babies/kids, but now I avoid it more often than not because it just hurts too much. I no longer think about perfect baby names or look at baby items. I no longer say "when we have kids", it is now "if we have kids".

The hardest part for me is that having kids is the ONLY thing I ever wanted to do in life. While everyone else went to school, planned careers, planned travel, worked to buy cars and houses, the only thing I ever solidly knew I wanted no matter what was kids. Nothing else matters to me as much as that. And now to be faced with the very real likelyhood of not having kids, I am heartbroken. Having kids, having a family, was the only thing I ever planned for. I never cared about school or having a career or a job or "moving up the corporate ladder". My dream come true if I could ever have it would to be a stay at home mom, no questions asked. I would do it in a second if I ever had the option. I had everything planned, a totally organic upbringing with cloth diapers, homemade baby food, I even wanted a home birth with a midwife! There isn't one aspect of me having a child that I haven't planned or researched.

I like to think we have tried everything in the book to increase our chances; OPKs (ovulation prediction kits), vitamins, supplements, "temping" (taking basal body temp to predict ovulation). I've even tried to remove stressors and anything I thought might be causing it not to happen (i.e. moving to a bigger place). I keep thinking that there must be something, either physical or even spiritual blocking us. "Maybe it's the dog?" sometimes I think, because I know he wouldn't be the best with kids...what if fate is holding off on letting us have kids until Odin is gone? (ok, I know that is totally illogicial, but after 36 months, I am grasping at any kind of theory these days!!)

I just want to put in at this point that DH has been very good during all of this. Having kids for him isn't the be all/end all and I understand that. Yes, our philosophies on the subject differ and there have been some really stressful moments, but I love him for understanding how much this really means to me. Plus, I'm sure he doesn't hate the "practicing" and not having to use birth control!!

We have not pursued the fertility treatments/recommendations as of yet. It is somewhat of a debatable point. I have always been against fertility treatments, basing it on the very Darwin-esk "survival of the fittest" theory. I mean, if your eggs or sperm are not good enough on their own, in the past (pre-fertility treatments), you would not have been able to pro-create or pass on those bad genes. I fear that with current technologies, current generations using fertility treatments are passing on these infertile genes to the next generation...which of course gets us no where. But now, faced with the probability that I may have to at least try using a somewhat mild treatment, is that going against my own beliefs? Would I be a huge hypocrite for doing so?

It all comes down to regrets in the end. How far are we willing to go? At what point to I step away and say no more? I know I am "only" 31, and people keep saying "you are still young" "you have plenty of time" "no need to rush it, you just got married!", but I've done my research, I know the statistics, and I know that I DO have to rush it. Despite trying many different options to increase our chances, most of the time we have been doing the "just let it happen" approach and not stressing about doing everything perfect. But it has already been 3 years, and those seemed to go by in a flash. I hate to use this metaphor, but it's soon going to be a "**** or get off the pot" thing, and either we stop altogether or we are going to have to try harder. And it's the try harder part that scares me more, because the harder we try, the harder the fall when we fail, and I don't know how many more times I can fall before I break apart permanently. But if we don't try harder, will I regret that for the rest of my life? It is a catch 22 that haunts me every day.

It's not an easy thing to just let go either. Hypothetically, if we decided give up trying to get pregnant, do we start using birth control again? How do you go back to using protection after this? Or would we consider something more permanent? Because if we don't use anything but just stop trying, it would be just the same as we are now - each month/cycle would come to the end and I would wonder. I could never let it go.... And it's that wondering every cycle that is killing me now. I don't know how much more I can take. I found this quote once (not sure from where) and I think it applies very well for me: "It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen but it's even harder when you know it's everything you want."

If you have made it this far in reading my long long long note, then I applaud you. Again, I am not the most eloquent writer, so I apologize. I don't usually like talking about my problems, especially somewhat intimate ones like this, as I don't like being the centre of attention. I am not really sure what I wanted to gain out of writing this, except that all these thoughts and everything that has happened in the last 3 years and everything that is still happening and will happen in the future...I just felt I needed to get it out there. More and more people know now that we are trying to get pregnant, but I can no longer suffer in silence with regards to everything else that led us to this point.

I guess...there are times where I may not make sense, or I may be quiet, or I may try to avoid certain situations or topics of conversation if they relate to anything above. There are times when I'm just drained physically and emotionally from all of this and I may seem anti-social. I just wanted our closest friends to know it's nothing personal against any of you. I know I am depressed, I admit that. It's something I have already addressed, but due to many of the contradictions posted in this note, I don't foresee it being resolved any time soon. Right now I fight to make it through each day without crying. I feel like a failure in so many aspects. My entire life I have always gone for what I wanted. If I didn't like my job, I found a new one. I went to school for a subject I liked, knowing very well I would never get a job in that field. If I didn't know how to do something, I learned. If it was something I knew I was not good at, I accepted it and moved on. Except with this - this is the first thing I have ever encountered in my life that I could not fix, that I could not move on from. The complete and under randomness that is getting pregnant, the lack of control over it happening... the fact that I cannot make it happen is frusterating beyond anything I have ever felt in my life.

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I swear I do not get my husband sometimes!! We had a fight last night and now he is not talking to me.

DH does NOT (even after living with me and MY dog for 3 years) understand that a dog CANNOT be without a pee break for 14+ hours!!! WTF!! It's bad enough he has to go 10 hours (8 hours plus 1 hour each way to/from work), but 14 hours!!

We drove to work tomorrow (left at 6 AM just after walking the dog) and I work 7 AM to 7 PM. DH gets off at 4. He had to drop by a store on the way home to get ONE thing. I figured he would be home 5:15 at the latest. You can imagine how pissed I was when he called me at 6:30 PM to advise he was still in the city at the store and since he was still there he might as well drive me home!!

A) First I am thinking WTF why the heck did you not go QUICK and go home to walk the dog??? (so of course I am worrying about my dog now)
Dirol It was St. Patrick's day and he KNEW I was going out after work for a drink with work peeps. I told him this a WEEK ago and several times that day!! Yet he totally forgot!

So instead of fighting and since I was tired, I agree to just go home instead of going out for a drink. He calls me back 15 min later from in front of my work and says "why didn't you remind me you were going out??" I told him I didn't want to argue and it was fine and I would just come home, but he tells me to just go out and have fun without him (in a sulky way) and hangs up on me!!

I didn't seriously think he would leave, but he did!! He just left and went home! Of course now I felt horrible because of the mood he was in, because he has a habit of manipulating me by making me feel bad doing anything social when he isn't there, especially with work people. He did the same thing at Christmas for my work party!!

So now, I was done work, I missed my regular train, he left without giving me a ride, too depressed and in a bad mood to go for a drink, and my next train isn't until 8:45 PM!! That was the train I was going to take in the first place after having a drink with work people!!

After he gets home we fight via text message for a while and when I finally get on my train we talked for my entire ride home. Well, I talked mostly. He kept trying to guilt trip me into feeling bad for going out with work people instead of him. He does NOT get that I need to have a social life outside of him and his/our friends. I don't mind our friends, but they are mostly his friends and I just feel like a third wheel going out sometimes because I really have nothing in common with them. With my work friends, I "click" with them. I like that I can be geeky and talk to them about things that I don't get with my other friends.

And besides, what I was more mad about was his lack of responsibility towards the dog, and how he doesn't seem to think about anyone but himself sometimes!! I told him how he needs to be more responsible and start thinking about our relationship as a partnership, not him having fun all the time and me doing everything else. He doesn't clean, he doesn't do laundry, he doesn't cook, grocery shop, NOTHING. Getting him to walk/feed the dog is like pulling teeth, and even when he does he hates it so much that he doesn't even walk the dog properly (he forces the dog to the curb, lets him pee once, then forces him back in the house!!)

Of course, after I told him all this, he got even MORE sulky and sad and now he won't talk to me. He kept saying "I'm just not good enough, it's all my fault", which in turn makes ME feel bad. He already has depression issues and part of the reason I try not to complain or tell him these things all the time is because he just goes into a massive depression. And when he is depressed, I am depressed.

I took today off from work so I could go to "Canada Blooms" which is a garden festival. I go every year and I love it. I was so inspired because we have a garden/outdoor space this year, but now I am so depressed and in a horrible mood that I can't get out of. I can't stop crying and I feel like crap. He won't answer his cell or work phone when I call. I don't feel like doing anything at all.

Why do men have to be so stupid sometimes??

ETA: Just wanted to add that St. Patrick's Day is one of my favourite days of the year, and last year it was ruined for me (we got our Fertility Clinic results on March 17 last year, resulting in the "unexplained infertility" diagnosis which crushed me). This year I wanted to make up for it. I planned this huge event at work, we had "green" treats, a draw for a beer basket, people who wore green. It was en excellent day up until 6:30....

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I know I haven't written here in a while but I've been really trying to NOT focus on TTC at all.

Until...just found out DH's sister is pregnant. 3 months along and she didn't even know!!! She's not married, but at least she's been with the same guy for 5+ years. He has 2 kids with an ex-gf though already. He doesn't work, she's part time at a coffee shop. Fun huh?? His family is always bugging us for money, guess what will probably happen now?

On a side note, this seems to have "woken up" DH with the fertility clinic process. I'm making an appointment for him on Friday for a new SA. Then we just need to book a followup to start with the IUI process. I think he was somehow shaken that his younger sister is pregnant by accident and he can't get me pregnant. lol

On a side note - AF was due yesterday but whenever I say anything about her, she shows up. I'm totally jinxing it, but who cares. I'm pretty sure AF will be here before the day is out...

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Well, it's been a while again. Not pregnant yet!

I have an appointment this Thursday (January 13) with the RE. Finally going ahead with the IUI and Clomid, assuming our second round of testing was normal. This time we did some genetic testing which hopefully is ok!!

I think I'm more scared of it not working that I am of it working. I'm not scared about twins or even being pregnant. It's been so long that I've gotten over that worry. I just don't know how to go through this without being let down. How can I keep a positive attitude and be hopeful and not risk the huge crash if it doesn't work?

I've got three new things to discuss with the RE though. 1) Possible allergy to semen because when it gets on my skin, I get itchy red hives. 2) Temperature - I'm always cold and when I did do my BBT that 1-2 months, my temps were lower than I expected. 3) Laparoscopy - my flow seems to be getting heavier each month. Just yesterday I had to change super tampons hourly for 6 hours!!

At least noting this info here I won't forget. Smile

I'm thinking that if all the testing was normal (no new problems) then we will try one round of IUI/Clomid. If that doesn't work, then I will go for the lap.

Oh! I thought of a 4th thing! 4) CM - or lack thereof. I really don't think I have any CM and when I do it's pasty and flakey! Ewww!

So now I wait. 3 more work days. I also got a new car. Well, not new - used. But new to us. 2008 Ford Escape. Lots of room for camping and travel. I figure, if kids aren't coming soon, might as well have fun with life, right?

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I thought of a 5th thing - 5) Iron!! Can't believe I forgot that one!

Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 66

Good luck!!! I hope you figure out what's going on with your body soon. It must be soooooo frustrating not knowing-sounds like you'll be asking some good questions though.

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Well, the doctor doesn't think it's any of the issues I mentioned above however is willing to do more investigations if I wish.

We decided to go with the IUI and Clomid, which I started on CD 1 this cycle. It's moving fast and it's kinda scary. I really REALLY want it to work, but I'm still very scared of it finally happening at the same time. EEEEk!

So far the only side effect I got on Clomid was a headache that was pretty bad last night. I'm still feeling foggy and tired today from the headache and it's a dull ache now. Hopefully it doesn't get worse tonight!

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

I meant to update this last cycle but it was such a whirlwind that I'm not sure where to start.

Clomid was HELL! Headaches for a solid week and all I got was one folly.

DH's count for the IUI was awesome - 125 mill before washing, 63 mill after washing! Apparently 10X the average count for men!

And....it was successfull. I got my first questionable BFP a week ago on March 1 with a more definite one on March 2. My blood test on March 4 had an HCG of 22.

Unfortunately my blood test on March 6 the HCG went down to 6.7 and todays (March Dirol it went down to 2.5.

I started bleeding today. Sad

Dh says we'll try again but we had only agreed on doing one IUI. Now I don't know what to do. I want to try again but what are the chances it would work a second time?? That's a lot of money we don't have too.

I think I'm just going to cry for a few days while this all passes.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Many, many, many, MANY hugs. I wish there was a way for a community to will their members pregnant - you'd be the next Kate + 8 (only with a better John) if that was the case. Everyone is rooting for you, even people you've never met. Take care. :bighug:

carg0612's picture
Joined: 09/23/09
Posts: 1554

I couldn't have said it better myslef. You are thought of and we are all rooting for you and on your side. Please don't give up. Huge hugs your way. Take all the time you need for yourself, we'll be here ready with open arms for you.

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Awww! Thanks girls!!

I should really update this more often!

Well, I don't think I O'ed last cycle since the CP, but that's ok. I got insane sick right in the middle so that could be why. AF showed today and I was worried she might be late because I had NO AF symptoms at all! My usualy boob soreness was MIA!

Tonight I have to go to the pharmacy and get my prescription for 75mg Clomid this round. They really want me to have 2 follies instead of just 1 so hopefully this does it!!

Last cycle I said (before I started) that I only wanted to try it once, and if it worked they YAY and if it did not then maybe it wasn't meant to be. What I didn't account for would be if it worked then I had a loss. I think that's why I decided to go back and try again. If it had not worked I think I would have given up but I think the fact that it didn't was a sign.

Speaking of signs - I've always felt two things very strongly from a young age: 1) That I would suffer from infertility and 2) That I would have twins. I know - contradictory eh? I really have this sinking feeling this cycle that the latter will come true. I don't know why, I just have this feeling!!

I also have to tell my manager today. I don't really want to because then she will know if it works or not in a few weeks. But I have to tell her as I have to change my schedule around for a few days to accomodate my attendance at the clinic for monitoring. *sigh* I always get so embarrased talking about these things with people. I hope she is ok with it!!!

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Well, Clomid is done and I managed to avoid most of the side effects. I took it around dinner time/8PM every night and slept through any headaches I might have got!! BEST ADVICE EVAR!! (thanks Clomid board!)

I start monitoring and blood work tomorrow. Can't wait (insert sarcasm here

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Looks like this cycle is a bust. I have a complex cyst on my right ovary measuring 3.5cm. Sad

Waiting on the call from the clinic some time around noon today to discuss options.