Can't.Give.Up. Even though I probably should...
I don't know why I am starting this thing. I think that I am really close to coming to a crossroads in my life. I am 32, hubby is 36 and our daughter is 15 1/2. We had her when we were both REALLY young, on birth control and having a child was the last thing on our minds. We have been trying for about 12 years now to have a brother or sister for her. No luck. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 21. I have had 4 surgeries and 4 miscarriages. 2 of them were under the care of an RE and were the product of fertility drugs-TONS and TONS of fertility drugs. I can remember one cycle using over 40 vials of medication! My RE, Dr. Nezaam Zamah (if anyone needs an awesome RE :D in KC MO call him!) was so kind. He was willing to do whatever I wanted to. But after 2 miscarriages and about 8 cycles of meds, I was done. I couldn't do anymore. I was about... 26 years old then. It was a hard conclusion to come to, but once it was it made, hubby and I were completely comfortable with it.
Then 4 years ago, I actually started ovulating on my own. :blob5: Yes, it was only three times a year, but it was so much better than what I was doing, which was maybe once a year! Two years ago, in September, I ovulated and we actually got pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I really really thought that I was going to faint whenever I took that test and it came up positive. I dropped on my knees and thanked God. :kaos3: (It's amazing how in tune with my body I am now from listening to my RE!) Well, at 5.5 weeks, I lost that baby. I was devestated. I couldn't believe that FINALLY, after 12 years, hubby and I did it all on our own and God took it away. I was angry for a really long time. Then in the following October (the next year), the same thing happened. I ovulated, we got pregnant. I was determined this time, not to lose that baby. I went to my pcp who got me in right away with an OB. She even prescribed me progesterone. Ok, she was an idiot :x and prescribed me provera, not prometium. I took two of them, called her and said that I wasn't comfortable taking them and asked if she could please prescribe prometrium. She did and things were fine. I was going in evey other day for a blood draw for hcg levels and progesterone. They always came back great and my OB said that if I was his wife, he would be celebrating right now. I had several early ultra-sounds and everything looked great and I was measuring exactly I should have been. Then came the ultrasound checking for the heartbeat at 7 weeks. My hubby came with me. I still remember the night before I was so scared. All I could do was cry because I just "knew" that something was wrong. I had no reason to feel that way, I was sick as a dog, had huge sore boobs and no spotting. That morning, I was dreading the ultrasound so much. I didn't want to go. If I didn't go, then I could pretend that everything was ok. If I did go, then I had to face the reality of what I "knew". As soon as she put that wand on my tummy, I could tell that there was no heartbeat. Everything looked beautiful though. a perfect sac and a tiny little bean, but no fluttering. I just started bawling. She then did a vaginal scan and still nothing. The doc wasn't there that day, so I had to reschedule for another scan for when he was there. They wanted me to come back in a week. That was a long freaking week!!!!!
The next ultrasound showed the same thing, no fluttering of a little heart and the baby had only grown 3 days in a week. It was measuring only 6.5 weeks and I was 9 weeks by then.
We had to go into another room and talk to the doc then. He said that we could either wait and pass the baby naturally or have a D&C. I chose to have the D&C. I couldn't stand the thought of waiting and still feel pregnant-which I did because of the prometrium. I was still having morning sickness!!!!!
It was Thanksgiving week. I had the surgery on the day before Thanksgiving and my due date was July 2. It's coming up and it is getting hard.... This miscarriage was the hardest so far because we gotten farther than any other time.
Well, I decided right then and there that I was never trying again. I couldn't go through that pain again. I was so mad at God. :evil: I didn't go to Mass for 4 months and when I finally did go, I had to leave in the middle of it because I started crying. I have only been back 3 times since then. To be honest, I hated Him. Sometimes, I still have major pangs of anger towards Him. But I am healing, slowly, I AM healing.
About 4 months later, I decided that I wasn't going to give up. I wanted another child, I was meant to have a huge family! When other girls were playing Barbies, I always played house. Ever since I was 4 or 5 I knew that I wanted 4 (maybe more) children! So, I weaned myself off of my anti-depressants; that was hard! and decided that I would keep trying. Hubby said that it was my choice b'c it was my body. He was always game for trying!!! :D
I didn't have a period after my D&C until the end of April. It was weird - like 2 weeks of spotting before my flow really started. Then low and behold, 19 days into my cycle I actually ovulated. I couldn't believe it. I NEVER ovulate that early. Hell, it's usually cd 120 or more!
The only thing that I can think that is different is that I started taking hypothyroid meds. (I've only been on it for a month- that has to have had something to do with it!)
I am currently 10dpo, and yes, I have taken a test. It came out negative and yes that sucks. But it doesn't fill me with the sadness that it used to. I think it's becuase in my heart, I have finally realized that no matter what happens, I can deal with it. I have felt the worst pain that a mother can feel, without actually losing a living child. I have moved forward through it and I will keep moving forward. If I don't have anymore children, then I will have my grandchildren to spoil and love.