Chasing a dream

Just got back from the doctor a little while ago...

Well, I wish I had better news. My HCG went up to 1649, but it should have been higher. They couldn't find anything on the u/s, even though both technicians looked and spent about 20 minutes trying to find the darn thing. Maybe that means this baby would have hidden from me all the time. :roll:

So there are two possibilities at this point:
1) it's an abnormal uterine pregnancy, which means that I'll (please God, I hope) m/c on my own or she'll have to do a d&c or possibly give me some kind of pill that will make it go away. or

2) that it's an ectopic and she'll give me another pill that will 'clean' me out. Then they'll follow my HCG levels back down to 0. Obviously, we're hoping it's abnormal and that I'll miscarry on my own - hard to believe that's 'ideal' right now, but it is in this case.

I go back on Wednesday for even more bloodwork and another u/s and hopefully they'll find out where that little bugger is hiding.

The good news is that she's only going to make me wait one cycle before TTC again. And it's good news that I can actually get pregnant (although she said that if it's an ectopic, I have a higher chance of that happening again and if it does, she'll remove the offensive tube).

So there you go... she said we were matter of fact about it, which she thought was good ( :?: ) but I think we just did most of our grieving last week. I'm sure more will come when I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't think it's really hit me fully yet...

I wish it was all over with. I have a terrible feeling that it's an ectopic and that would be the worst, because it means we have an increased chance that it will happen again.

I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork and yet another u/s, so hopefully they'll be able to find where it is this time.

I'm so tired, emotionally and physically. I need some time to just sit and comprehend everything that is happening to us, but I've been so busy. I suppose it's better in the long run.

The good news is that we've decided to go ahead and paint our bedroom this weekend! We have Friday off and we've been itching to paint it since we moved in last June. We finally decided on a color theme and so now it's just a matter of doing it. We had initially decided to postpone the painting because of the pregnancy, but now it doesn't matter. We should get it done before I get pregnant again, anyway (like that's going to happen anytime soon :roll:).

Anyway, I'm looking forward to it.

Warning: only negativity ahead.

I'm going to allow myself this one whine and gripe session and hopefully get it out of my system.

I went back to the Nov. 07 birth board one last time and just found myself so jealous and hurt.

Why did I have to be the one to go?
Why do all the others get to stay?
Most of them just complain all the time about m/s and getting bloated, etc. I was never pregnant 'enough' to get sick, but I've had pretty major cramping and bloating and constipation and I was just so thankful to be pregnant and knew so many who would gladly put up with all of those symptoms in a heartbeat just to have the privilege of carrying their own baby. It annoyed me even when I thought everything was okay, but now it just seems so darn.... okay I'll say it.... UNFAIR! And I hear my parents say, "Life is unfair, Ruth."

Yup, there's the ugly green monster named Ruth. I hate feeling this way. I struggled so hard yesterday to 'lean not on my own understanding,' and it helped. But it's SO hard. I hate that my best case scenerio at this point is that they find out where this poor little lost bean is so they can eliminate it correctly. I hate seeing all the pictures people have posted of their first u/s with that wonderful little sac and healthy baby, as I spent nearly 30 minutes yesterday staring at the screen at my empty womb. I hate knowing that I could suddenly be in a substantial amount of localized pain and just be afraid I was about to lose a tube or ovary. I hate knowing that most likely my next possible EDD is probably March 08, especially since I 'should' have given birth to our first baby this past February. I especially hate that I'm so broken up over this and I just really want to be strong for my DH instead of crying to him all the time. I love that he's being so supportive though. I honestly don't know what I would do without him and it makes me tear up to even think about it.

Darn hormones!!

OK, gripe session over. Time to move on and leave all this behind.

Over and over yesterday, I found comfort in this:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."

Number went up to 1883 today. Still nothing showing on u/s. So I got the added pleasure of an endometrial biopsy.

And now for your reference pleasure, I have decided to rate my own personal pain scale for procedures in the nether regions, from least painful to most painful:

vaginal u/s
pap smear
IUI
endometrial biopsy
HSG

That's everything they let you remain conscious for, right? Ah, the joys of TTC. :roll:

My DH is so wonderful. He prayed for our poor little baby tonight, and that God would hold me up and heal me. So will this little one grow up in heaven? I've always wondered how this works, but I always hoped it would never happen to me.

The good news is that I'll find out tomorrow if it's hiding in my uterus or hiding elsewhere. Please God let it be hiding in my uterus. And if that wish is granted, please let me m/c naturally SOON.

I must say I'll be VERY pleasantly surprised if it is in my uterus. And the worst part is that if it is, I'm still going to wonder if two eggs fertilized and the other one is still going to rupture my tube. That's the scariest part.

Come out, come out wherever you are! No more hiding.

Back from the methotrexate injection...

It really went as well as I could have hoped for. I just love my RE's office. They're all so patient and professional and empathetic. My RE said she sees 2-3 ectopics per month, but she said mostly because IVF runs a higher risk of ectopics. I just appreciate how closely she's monitoring me.

BTW, my HCG went up again to 2250 (from 1883 on Wednesday) and she said it's not unusual for it to go up again when they do the next reading on Tuesday. The important thing is for it to go down by the NEXT reading on Friday. If not, they'll do another injection. And I'm still in danger of a rupture, so I'm supposed to be extremely vigilant about severe abdominal pain (although the methotrexate can also cause that).

The nurse who did the injections said to drink lots and lots of water and that would significantly reduce any possible s/e. She said the women who drink the most water tend to not have any or very few s/e. So Al's mission (since he really can't do much else right now) is to force water down me. The bummer is that I can't exercise. I stopped exercising as soon as I knew the pregnancy was in trouble, but I was hoping to continue as soon as I felt up to it. But my RE said to wait at least a week, which I guess makes sense.

Good news - she's still only going to make me wait one cycle before TTC again. She said it might take 2-3 weeks to have a bleed and then another month to cycle - so it might be 2.5 months before we can try again... but she said we didn't have to abstain or anything and it wouldn't be that big a deal if we conceived on our own (yeah right If we could conceive on our own, we wouldn't even know her ). The other good news is that we do have increased fertility after a pregnancy, BUT the bad news is that we're now at higher risk for another ectopic. Every ectopic increases the risk of having another... but she said she'd take my right tube out if it happens again. I could be headed to even more fun next time around, but let's not even THINK about it.

I'm doing much better than I thought I would. Last night was really hard and I broke down after our Maundy Thursday service. Getting through the service was tough too, especially because I had to perform and I really didn't feel like it. It does seem kind of ironic that we started the process of losing our baby on Good Friday. But the hope given to us on Easter gives me hope that everything will someday be right again.

One last thing and I'll end my little novel... Al said this morning that he hopes this forced break will give me a better perspective on TTC (read: less obsessive). It really would be okay if we never had any children. As hard as that is to hear, he's right. And if I devoted my entire life and all my energy to trying to make this happen, it wouldn't be healthy for us or for our potential children to have our lives be all about them. There needs to be a balance. So I'm going to do my best to try for a better balance and especially to get more fit (as soon as I can exercise again).

I just realized that I didn't say in my last post that the endometrial biopsy showed no baby in the uterus. I suppose it was obvious by the post, but it was decided that the pregnancy is ectopic.

I felt a little out of it yesterday, but today feel better. I'm definitely a lot more emotional but I suppose that's to be expected. We have some friends coming over tonight so I think it will be good.

It's really amazing that I'm not more of an emotional basket case. I think God is just giving me mercy right now...

We're currently in Dallas, celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I don't have much time, just wanted to give a quick update.

Started spotting a week ago today. It's so gross. Every day is a tiny bit worse, but it's not red... it's like tar! Yuck. It burns, too. While I was in the shower today I decided to check my CP and just see what was going on down there and when my finger came out I almost threw up. So disgusting! I may never be able to DTD again - it's just too painful down there.

My number was in the 2800 range on Tuesday and went down to 2300 on Friday. I only have to go in once next week! :yahoo: My pregnancy symptoms are also starting to go away. Boobs are back to normal, painwise. I think they're still slightly larger, though. Hope they stay that way, but I've been so unlucky up to this point I can't imagine getting lucky here. One can hope, though.

So 3 months from my injection will be June 29. I can't believe I have to wait that long before TTC again.

Assuming June 29 is CD 1 (which it won't be)
and assuming I conceive that cycle (which I probably won't)
and assuming it's healthy (which it may not be),
my first possible EDD is April 5, 2008.

That's a year from now! :roll: Am I the picture of optimism or what? :lol:

So frustrated...

... and it was just great being held captive by my aunt this morning while she told me all about her dysfunctional family and all the pregnancies, rehab time, custody/child support issues, etc., etc. :blahblah:

OK, I'm just depressing myself. Next time I'll talk about my mom's surprise party - that's happier!

So I've been sort of chewing on a thought but I think I need to write it down. When I mentioned to my mom that my RE said that if I have another ectopic she'll remove my right tube, my mom asked why she doesn't just take it out right now.

Well, because shots are better than surgery, for starters. I kind of figured two tubes were better than one.

But now I've been thinking about it. If keeping the right tube just means future ectopics, maybe two tubes are NOT better than one.

Let's say my right tube is mostly blocked because of scar tissue from that appendectomy. If the RE goes to clean things out, maybe she can remove the scar tissue and also check for other things (like endo, which I'm a little concerned about). Maybe in the process she can save the tube. So if she does a lap and removes the scar tissue and possibly any endo, I'm in much better shape than before, right?

But what if she goes in and has to remove the tube? Well, if it's blocked enough, I'm assuming it would only cause one ectopic after another. Maybe it's better to eliminate that possibility right off the bat. On the other hand, what if I were to have an ectopic in the left tube and they had to remove it? My only shot at getting pregnant would be IVF and we can't afford it right now. Having just one tube is risky. I know my friend Deb got preggo with one, but I don't like those odds.

Hmmm... guess I need to still think about it and ask someone smarter than myself. :)

back from the ER...

That's right. Last night we were on our way out to dinner and shortly after starting the trip, the mild cramps I'd been experiencing started getting much more severe. I took 2 tylenol at 6pm and then two more an hour later. Think of your worst AF cramps ever and multiply by 2000. I had appendicitis a few years ago and that pain paled in comparison. I wanted to die - I couldn't even go to the ER at first because I couldn't do anything but be doubled over. Poor Al.

So I felt well enough to get in the car around 9pm. These were weird cramps, too. They came in waves. There was always an unbearable 'baseline' pain, but then I'd get these waves of horrendous pain that felt like someone was scraping out my uterus with a knife.

I was bleeding VERY heavily, passing lots of huge clots (sorry TMI) so I doubted the pain was from a rupture. My RE had also said that the methotrexate can cause severe abdominal pain that would be identical to the pain of a rupture so we were told not to take any chances and get to an ER if that happened.

Long story short, I was discharged at 4am and went through lots of bloodwork, 3 u/s (2 external, one internal), 2 pelvic exams, and a partridge in a pear tree. :lol: Thankfully they just saw fluid in the uterus (causing all the pain) and no signs of a rupture.

After catching a 6am flight yesterday morning, we were up for nearly 24 hours straight. Poor Al got only 1.5 hours of sleep before heading to work this morning and he has two projects due for his class tonight. I just feel so bad for him (he slept in my bed in the ER for a while which made the nurses laugh).

The funny part is that shortly after arriving at the ER, the pain almost completely stopped. In fact, we were about to go home because the waiting room was packed and I was feeling tons better - but the *pregnant* technician told us a bed had just opened up and encouraged us to at least get things checked out.

During one of the u/s, the doctor measured the lining of my uterus and it's gotten much thinner, so she didn't think I'd have another episode of such extreme pain unless it really does rupture. Thankfully, my HCG levels dropped significantly since Friday (from 2300 down to 1100) so I'm hopeful that the danger period for a rupture will be over soon.

I had to throw one little pity party for myself last night. It's hard enough to lose a baby, but to have to endure such agony just makes it seem so unfair. I know, I know, life isn't fair. I'm just thankful the pain has almost completely stopped - just back to the mild cramping I was experiencing before. I'm just praying it will all be over soon.

wow, I fell to page 2. That almost sums up my week.

When it rains it pours, right?

So when we got back from the ER Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was starting to cuddle up to my DH when I noticed that my stomach wasn't fond of the pressure. I figured that my body had been through a lot and just adjusted and didn't think much else about it. Well, it kept getting worse. It moved further south and round the lower back and made my bowels REALLY unhappy and I ended up calling in sick yesterday AND today.

This morning I went in for the scheduled HCG reading and was dragging so much they wouldn't let me leave. Another pelvic exam, another u/s, more bloodwork... I'm glad they're looking after me but I'm getting tired of being poked and prodded in just the spots that I hurt the most.

So the good news is that my HCG is down to 170! :yahoo: The danger zone for a rupture has just about passed.

Better news is that I can now take ibuprofen (which is how I'm able to sit here and type instead of the previous two days of rolling about in agony).

All of the tests came back great, or normal.

Bad news is that the u/s technician did an external scan in addition to the internal scan and randomly put the scanner-thing up near my right rib (I swear her hand must have slipped) and found a gallstone!! :? :shock:

Yippee. So my RE said to wait a month or so while we get the ectopic resolved and then go see a specialist. I just googled gallstones and felt a little reassured. Since I have had zero symptoms they mentioned, mine is probably 'asymptomatic' and they probably won't treat it. Ironically, they can be caused by pregnancy. Wouldn't it just figure that my ectopic caused a gallstone? :roll: Talk about adding insult to injury!

I'm just so tired of feeling bad. We're approaching our one-year anniversary of TTC and just have a year of heartache and pain to remember, with no happy ending just yet.

I know I need to be thankful for what I have. Right now I would like my health back and be able to have sex with my husband again. It's been 48 days since we've been able to DTD, and (even though I didn't bother asking) I'm sure I'm still on pelvic rest. Even if she cleared me, I'm in no condition right now. Geez, I'm hardly able to just sit and type. :?

I have to say that I am so thankful for my wonderful sweet husband. I wouldn't have made it without him. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how great he's been. This week has just been a blur of pain and hospitals and my steadfast partner. Never a complaint or a grumble - only calm and concern and love.

I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world.