Chasing a dream
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    Default Chasing a dream *BFP 8/1/07!*

    Wow, I'm actually doing this. I've scouted other journals for a while but didn't think it would be for me. We're stuck here in the never-ending TTC land so this will undoubtedly be boring. But at least I will have a place to get things off my chest, etc.

    So I'm Ruth (30) and DH is Al (28 ). We've been married for nearly 5 years (well, okay, it'll be five years in four more months) and loved every minute of it - even the fights. I mean, I don't love fighting, but I'd rather be with him than without, you know?

    I remember being terrified of getting pregnant on our honeymoon - we're the old-fashioned type and waited until we got married to DTD. I just knew that we'd get pregnant on our first try. Between his parents and mine, there were 5 unplanned pregnancies, so we come from a very fertile bunch. So we took our preventing efforts seriously, what a waste of time and money! To add insult to injury, I didn't tolerate any form of BC that we tried. I stumbled across charting to prevent a few years ago and loved it. My cycles are always short and very regular so it was easy to track my fertile time and avoid. I even stopped temping because my body was so predictable.

    Anyway, fast-forward to May 06. I was just finishing up with grad school and Al has been ready to have kids for a while. I was about to turn 30 and realized that we'd better not wait any longer. We had a little party the day I graduated and I found EWCM that evening. Al was like, let's go and take advantage of it and I freaked out. I just wasn't ready. The next day I realized that I had just been overwhelmed by the emotions of graduating, etc., and that I was really ready after all. I still had the EWCM so we "took advantage" of it. After it was over, Al said, "Go forth and conquer, boys" and we both thought that we had just become parents.

    Right. I took my very first HPT on my birthday, May 19. Big mistake. Not pregnant. Of course, my good friend e-mailed me that day and had just gotten pregnant on their first try. I was devastated and surprised. But we moved on and thought that maybe just one session of BD-ing wasn't enough.

    I resumed the temping and not being so lazy about charting and it's just been endless cycle after cycle with nothing. I know this is crazy, but I was ready to find out what was wrong with us after that very first BFN. We finally did get to an RE in December and had all sorts of tests... all the bloodwork (normal); SA (excellent); HSG (right tube seemed a little 'sluggish' but the dye did go through); u/s (ovaries and uterus look good). The RE wants to move on to a cycle of clomid/IUI so I guess that is our next step. Al initially wanted to wait a few more cycles to see if it can still happen naturally, but he took this last BFN pretty hard for the first time. He was convinced that I was pregnant (I'm still not entirely sure why, because I haven't thought I was pregnant more than one or two cycles). So now he's ready for this to happen.

    So it's officially been almost nine months of trying (but we're on cycle #12 - crazy!). It's been a little hard entering the month of what would have been my first due date. I've been lurking on their board occasionally and wonder how things would be if we had really gotten pregnant the first time. I guess we never know what would have happened...

    I was so ready for the clomid/IUI but now I'm having second thoughts. I need to work them out before we do this because it is expensive. In the back of my mind, I think that the reason we're not pregnant is because I'm out of shape and I don't have the healthiest diet. I know that few people who look at me would think that I needed to lose weight, but I always feel a little "off" when I'm not fit. I haven't exercised regularly since last summer and things are really stressful at work (I'm a teacher). Plus I work entirely too much. Would anyone believe I receive a paycheck from four different institutions? Granted, only one is full-time and one of them is for about 2 hours of work per week but still... no wonder I have a cold for the second time in three months!

    I just want to be healthy and fit before trying the IUI. I don't want to start off a pregnancy unhealthy, and I'm really hoping that getting more exercise and reducing work stress might be all that is needed to get pregnant.

    OK, final thought. Isn't it crazy how you can not have any baby fever whatsoever and then wake up and hardly be able to think about anything else?! What a strange world TTC is!
    Last edited by gottharf; 09-17-2007 at 02:17 PM.
    ~ Ruth

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    So it's Monday and I'm pretty sure I O'd on Saturday. One reason I think maybe we haven't been successful yet is that I don't produce a whole lot of EWCM. Back when we first started, I got two good days of it, but maybe with stress and everything it seems I only have a few hours' worth now. I've been working hard the last several cycles taking Robitussin, evening primrose oil, tried Vitex but it didn't agree with me, drinking tons and tons of green tea. When I started coming down with a cold on Friday I upped my Robi dose, but I had to judge a piano competition on Saturday and broke down and took a decongestant. I just didn't think it would be fair to the competitors if I was coughing and sneezing and sniffling all over the place. Sigh. So I may have blown it this cycle, drying myself up. I should have told all the piano students that they have no idea what kind of sacrifice I made just for them to play in peace and quiet.

    During the 2ww, I always wonder what's happening in my body. I wonder if the little swimmers are crowded around the egg and can't just find a way in. Or if they never made it past the cervix. Or if the egg fertilizes and just doesn't implant for some reason. I wish I knew what was going on inside. There have been a few cycles that I have really felt different during the 2ww, but mostly I just feel normal.

    I can't imagine how awful a miscarriage must feel, but sometimes I think maybe one miscarriage might be preferred to 11 BFNs. At least with a m/c you know you can get pregnant. Right now I'm batting 0. I don't know, a miscarriage just seems almost unbearable. Maybe all the "not a chance, AF isn't even a day late" negatives aren't so bad... I guess.

    Oh well. Must get some rest so I can face the kiddies tomorrow. It's been snowing all evening and it's so pretty. Keeping my fingers crossed for a snow day, even though its highly unlikely. One can dream...
    ~ Ruth

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    I finally started to feel a little bit better this afternoon. This cold wasn't nearly as bad as the one just before winter break.

    So nothing new to report (I just knew this was going to be endlessly boring). I'm really early in the 2ww and I try really hard not to obsess over symptoms anyway - although I always do, so I should just admit it and obsess openly.

    Well, Al and my cat are snuggled and slumbering and I think *yawning* that I'll join them.

    Good night! I'll be back to obsess soon...
    ~ Ruth

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    I had a great talk with my mom tonight. It's amazing that she is so sympathetic and supportive with this whole TTC business. I mean, she married my dad really young (she was 17) and had my sister and my brother before she was 20 - both 'accidents.' Then they found a form of birth control that actually worked for them and waited a long while to have me (10 years). But she got pregnant with me the first month off BC.

    So I really hesitated to tell her about our TTC issues because she is really very ignorant about what is actually involved in becoming pregnant (she never had to try, after all). She did start off by telling me all the things we don't want to hear... just relax... it will happen if we don't try so hard... But I just slowly explained things that I've learned about what's involved with conception, etc. Since then, she's been great. She even told me a while back that she felt so awkward because they never had problems TTC and she can't really relate but that she hurts for me. I just wish everyone could be so sympathetic!

    But I digress... back to our great talk tonight. I told her about my latest bloodwork (everything's normal) and that I was having some second thoughts about the clomid/IUI next cycle. She didn't think that there was anything morally/ethically wrong with doing the IUI. I just feel better about going forward with it after talking to her.

    So I need to talk to Al about this (but he is definitely an agreeable sort about these things ) but I'm thinking about waiting until the end of May to do our first IUI cycle. Since I'm a teacher, this will be the end of the school year and I'll have the entire summer to really focus on TTC. Also, if I conceived right away, my EDD would be the end of February, which would be great, too. Waiting until May would also give me time to get healthy and fit.

    I would be THRILLED (to say the least) if I got pregnant naturally before then, but it feels good to have a plan. I love plans.
    ~ Ruth

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    I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but my RE said that when I do the clomid/IUI that they will monitor me with u/s to make sure that the right ovary is NOT the dominant one. This is because I have an increased risk for an ectopic since the right tube didn't behave as well as it should have during the HSG.

    So yesterday I started freaking out when the thought of an ectopic popped into my head. Doesn't that increased risk apply ANY time I O from the right side? I wanted to run out and get an u/s right then and there to see what's going on. But then the reality of 'why should I be pregnant now when we've had so many cycles with no luck' set in. But I realized that if I ever do get a BFP I will be VERY VERY concerned about it being ectopic until the u/s shows otherwise.

    Anyway, all this makes me want to start the clomid/IUI immediately. None of this waiting crap anymore. AF should show up next Saturday and I will fill the script for clomid that same day!

    It's really exciting to think about the prospect of it now. I feel like with the combined clomid/IUI I have a real shot at getting pregnant... finally!
    ~ Ruth

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    Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms....

    Every cycle I tell myself not to get my hopes up too high. Just be pleasantly surprised if I get a BFP. And yet, every cycle I find myself so excited to wake up and see what my temp is and then every little thing that happens to me instantly becomes a 'hmmmmm it's a sign!'

    I can't stand it! Yesterday I was lurking one of the birth boards and they had a symptoms sticky. Since this was an older board, there were some who listed some really long symptoms, convincing symptoms but their ticker shows that they're on a new cycle. It was a decent wake-up call. And yet, I can't help but feel little things that seem a little different.

    And this happens EVERY cycle.



    So here are my 'symptoms' for this cycle:

    My temp was higher this morning than it's been ever before at 6DPO. (of course, a few cycles ago I had my highest ever recorded temp - twice, no less - and look where we are now)

    Weird feelings in the abdominal region. At times it feels a little tight or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

    Today I found more CM on my underwear than I ever have during a 2ww. In fact, I would think I was getting ready to O if my temps weren't high.

    Tiredness doesn't count because that's a state of being. Nor does sore boobs because they've been getting really sore the last few days before AF for a while now.
    ~ Ruth

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    Tonight we went out to eat and watched a production of a family with two young children. It was insanity and I have no doubt the parents ate all of their food cold.

    For the first time in a while, I appreciated being childless. There are perks, you know. Sleeping in with Al on the weekends, the freedom to go wherever, whenever we want. I get to leave all of the behavior issues and whining children at school and have peace and quiet at home.

    But I want my own child. I want to see the combination of Al's genes with mine. I want to watch Al be a father. I want to hear someone call "Mommy" and be calling for me. I want to bring another human being into our family. I hope I get the chance.
    ~ Ruth

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    One more week and then I can fill my clomid prescription and start getting ready for the IUI. I exercised tonight for the first time in a long while and it felt great. Why I don't do it all the time is beyond me...

    Today has been just about perfect. We had a rehearsal this morning so I got some decent practice in. Then we did some grocery shopping and came home and vegged out on our bed for a couple of hours. Did some laundry and other household-y chores and exercised and got a little more practice in. Now we're back in bed and going to watch a DVD and snuggle all night. I can't really think of what could have made this day better, except maybe if it was warmer outside we could have gone for a hike.

    I've been feeling some indigestion and some weird feelings at the top of my pubic bone, but nothing totally shocking or different with my imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

    My chart is so weird this cycle. It looks like a Charlie Brown shirt zig-zag. It can't possibly be a pregnancy chart. But a really nice girl in TTC 1st time mentioned that it is definitely different from my previous charts and that since none of them resulted in pregnancy, what I need is something different. Bless her.

    Keep hope alive!
    ~ Ruth

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    So today my DH had a brass band concert (he plays tenor horn for them). He was the soloist for "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and before it started, the conductor asked for Mrs. Al --- to stand up. Everyone turned around and looked at me. So the conductor said that Al would like to dedicate his performance to me as an early Valentine's gift.

    So sweet, I know.

    But then at intermission, he told me that it wasn't his idea at all - in fact, he didn't even know about it! The conductor was just trying to get some kind of reaction from the audience. Too funny. Still sweet, though.

    I did get to see a good friend who is also TTC. It's nice to have real-life conversations about this every once in a while. I really feel for her. She's going to be 40 in April. She and her husband got married 1.5 years ago, but they were together for more than 7 years. I think they decided not to use any BC when they got married (they're the old-fashioned types, too) but haven't had any success yet. Because of her age, she's really itching to get pregnant and wants to start clomid.

    The trouble is her husband, although he wants kids, doesn't want to get an SA because he doesn't think he needs it. WTC? She made an appointment with an RE and was hoping he would come. He didn't, so she said she went alone and ended up bawling. She waited SOOOO long to marry him and now she may never be able to have kids. I'm so sad for her. So she's going to do the HSG and all the same tests I've done and keep hoping that her husband will do the SA.

    Here's the worst part about her husband: he works in the SAME building where he would need to give his sample. She's tried everything - offered to bring it in for him, etc. I just don't get it. He could do it at any time.

    Anyway, I'm 8 DPO and feeling pretty normal. My boobs did start to hurt tonight, but that's not unusual for a few days before AF (it's due Saturday). I also feel a little bloated, which is unusual. I'm ready for bed now, and it's only 10pm. Not that unusual, either. Oh, well.

    I decided to break my cardinal rule and test early. I doubt we caught the egg, but since Valentine's Day is Wednesday and I'll be 11DPO, there's a slight chance it might show a + and that would be a fun surprise. I'm hoping that seeing yet one more BFN won't ruin the day. We'll see...
    ~ Ruth

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    Ugh.

    When I was a child, I had night terrors. My parents didn't tell me about this until I was an adult, but night terrors are NOT nightmares. Apparently, there is still much to learn about night terrors, but it must be just awful for a parent to experience. I pray my own children won't have them. Night terrors are only experienced during certain ages of childhood. Your child "wakes" up screaming, unable to be consoled or comforted or waked. They might have their eyes open, even, but they are not awake. It can last for 30 minutes or longer. My older brother and sister didn't have them, so my parents really freaked out when I started "waking' in the middle of the night and screaming bloody murder and wouldn't/couldn't stop. They took me to my pediatrician and that was the diagnosis. The worst part is that there is absolutely nothing a parent can do. You can't wake a child having night terrors, but they seem awake which must be really creepy. My parents said they just took me to the bathroom and would hold me until the terrors went away. I have absolutely no recollection of any of this.

    What I do recall and still experience, are terrible nightmares. I rarely remember my dreams, and the ones I do remember are rarely pleasant. I don't know why this happens, but probably once a month I will have extremely vivid nightmares. I remember a recurring one from my childhood (which may or may not have been a night terror episode) that involved a fire. I still have one image of that dream.

    The problem is that they're so realistic, and they're not these crazy dreams where people grow 15 legs or something impossible. No, my nightmares *could* happen. Since I've been married, many of these have involved my husband and he is usually not a nice person in these dreams. Sometimes in the dream he'll change into a really mean person, or he'll cheat on me, or he'll die. It takes me a while to separate reality from the dream, especially early in the morning, so there were a few instances where I was mad at him for what he had done in my dream. Now that he's used to this, he continues to be his wonderful self and has found a way to deal with it. He holds me, reassures me that it was just a dream and that the "bad Al" in my dream doesn't exist.

    When I was growing up (even in high school), I would wake from these dreams and go knock on my parents' door - unfortunately for the people around me, these particular dreams don't conveniently end in the morning. My dad was always great about getting up and sitting next to me on the couch and talking to me in this slow, sleepy voice. I always felt better after talking to him for a few minutes and could go back to sleep.

    I think that's the worst part about these weird dreams. After a really bad one, they make me afraid to go back to sleep.

    So I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and had a terrible dream that my dad died. It was just awful. The jist is that I dreamt Al and I were sitting in an airport lounge and my sister and mother walked in to find us (see how these are perfectly normal, realistic dreams?). They told me that my father had had some terrible brain issue and that he didn't make it. It was just awful, and it felt so real. When I woke up, part of me struggled to remember what is real in my life right now. Is my father really dead? No. But I'm certainly going to call him today!

    So I guess I have some kind of sleep disorder, but thankfully I never have trouble sleeping. Just sometimes, I don't want to. Another thing I'm thankful for is that (to the best of my knowledge) none of my nightmares has ever come true.

    I think need to put this behind me and start a new post.
    ~ Ruth

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