Thread: Chasing a dream

OK. This is better. No more nightmares.

On the TTC front, I did take a test on Valentine's Day. Negative, of course, but that's what I was expecting so I was only mildly disappointed. Just the general mild disappointment that I walk around with every day about not being able to get pregnant.

Today is AF day. She'll be here anytime with her bags. My temp fell yesterday and today and I can feel her coming, right on time. I guess this afternoon I'll fill the script for clomid.

I had two really wonderful conversations last night. The first was with a woman at our church. She had tried for years to get pregnant and did 5 rounds of IUI. They were in the process of moving on to IVF and she had been really concerned about getting into a particular group before her insurance stopped... I didn't get many of the details because she had to give me an abridged version. I hope to get the whole story sometime in the next few weeks.

[Disclaimer: I am religious so if you are offended by religious things, you should stop reading now.]

Anyway, she had been so wrapped up in the timing of the IVF and realized that she was trusting medicine and science more than God and that her heart was not where it needed to be. So she dealt with her 'heart issue,' but then found out that the 5th round of IUI had worked after all. The interesting thing is that they had two more children after this and had no trouble conceiving them.

One thing that she stressed to me (and this is good for me to ponder) was that we don't know what God's plans are for us. It may be to have biological children, it may be to adopt, it may be to just love the ones he puts in front of us. It's so true. I've been so wrapped up in trying to make my own plans happen that I've failed to seek after what God's plans are. Since I do strive (and regularly fail) to do what I think God wants me to do, I'm a little ashamed to admit that I haven't really cared up to this point whether or not He wanted me to have children, because *I* want them so much.

So I'm going to work on that attitude.

She also mentioned (and I feel guilty about this, too) that we should both try to be as healthy as possible, that if nothing else, it can't hurt. Al and I have been just terrible about exercise lately (and by 'lately', I mean almost a year now). He even ran a marathon two years ago, and look at us. Pigs. I weigh 10 pounds more than I should, but I've also lost a lot of muscle so I've replaced my muscle with more fat than the muscle I had, because fat weighs less than muscle (I know that was a really weird and confusing sentence but I don't feel like changing it). Basically, I could do a LOT better to eat healthier and get back in shape. I know 10 pounds isn't that big a deal in the long run, but it could be the difference (for us) in getting pregnant. I know I've mentioned this before. It's a recurring theme for us...

Anyway, the second conversation was with a good friend. I had had a nightmare (but not one of those awful ones) a few weeks ago that she had gotten pregnant and was mad at me. I should have prefaced this by saying that she and her DH recently got off the pill and switched to charting to prevent, largely because I had mentioned when we told them that we were TTC and that I was charting and had done so to prevent. I had been so convincing that charting was a great form of BC, but since we've had so much trouble conceiving I've had fresh doubts that it's really so easy to prevent by charting after all.

Last night, I told her about my dream and said that maybe charting just worked well for us because we already had issues TTC. She got excited and wondered if maybe it was a sign that they were going to get pregnant soon. Turns out they are going to be trying in a few months. They just added maternity insurance but it won't kick in fully until Jan. 08, so if they had a baby before then, they would have to pay $2k extra. Since it only means waiting 2 months to TTC, it's definitely worth the savings.

So she got all excited about the possibility of being pregnant at the same time and having kids similar in age, etc. It's taken us so long and even though I'm hopeful about the clomid/IUI, it's hard to get my hopes up about being pregnant at the same time as someone else. It's hard sometimes to just get my hopes up about getting pregnant (especially when I'm feeling the AF cramps coming).

I have to say, though, that I was truly genuinely excited about them TTC. They're going to be wonderful parents! And I really really hope that it happens for them the first time they TTC. I can't say this with certainty, but I don't think I'll feel even a twinge of jealousy if it happens to them before us. I guess I've gotten to the point where I wouldn't wish this awful process on anyone, especially a good friend. I don't want anyone to be on this emotional roller coaster of being unable to get pregnant cycle after cycle.

Well, I can't believe it's almost 8:30am and we have a rehearsal at 9am and poor Al is still sleeping right next to me. He's not going to be very happy that we need to leave in 10 minutes and we're both still in bed.

Next time, I'm going to discuss my feelings about clomid now that I'm going to start taking it in 2 days...

Al and I had a good talk on the way home about the F U T U R E. We hate these talks and try to keep these life-changing decision discussion times to 5 minutes or less.

Wow, I just noticed that it looks like a blizzard outside. So nice to be in bed on a Saturday morning with no firm plans when all I see is white!

Anywho, Al and I are often made out of the same stuff, so we can easily flip-flop between discussing future planning for hours with no plans in the end, or spend very few minutes and lay out a reasonable plan for the next ten years. Seriously, I think our decision to stay in the St. Louis area after grad school and buy a house was decided in about 10 minutes.

So we were on the way home from our friends' place last night and it's after midnight; we're both tired. What better time to plan the future?

Question: what are we going to do if clomid/IUI doesn't work? How many times will we try it? What's next after that?

Al's suggestion: let's try a few cycles and if it doesn't work, we'll go back to natural cycles and train for a marathon (he seriously said 'train for a marathon' while discussing TTC and was completely and totally serious! Gotta love my husband).

We did discuss the possibility of adoption and agreed that while we are both interested in this, we would like to have bio children first (our thinking is that we will have a greater chance of convincing an adopted child that they are wanted if we already had some bio children and THEN chose to adopt. We are probably wrong, as we often are, especially when we have no experience in the area.).

So we decided we'll try a few rounds of clomid/IUI and hope for the best. If nothing, then we'll go back to trying naturally and just see what God has in store for us. Since we're basically in the camp of unexplained infertility, we feel fine about this plan. I know it seems silly to start treatment and then stop, but we don't feel comfortable or rich enough to do IVF and we're not ready to adopt for said reasons, and I'm not going to subject my body to month after month of clomid (not that the RE will let me anyway) so what else are we going to do? I suppose we could follow the RE's suggestion and do injectables, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that step either.

I think I'm just still in denial that I can't get pregnant on my own. I keep thinking that it could happen any time (except it doesn't). I mean, they really can't find anything wrong, except for the right tube thing but my left tube is wide open and raring to go! And it's not like the right tube was blocked, anyway.

So here are my feelings about clomid: I'm scared. I didn't do well with BCPs and clomid seems like its made out of the same kind of thing that my body doesn't like - hormones. I'm afraid of the s/e. I don't like what I read about what the other nice women around here experience. While hot flashes might just be a welcome change (I'm always cold), I'm not interested in headaches, nausea, moodiness, or anything else. BCPs always gave me stomach troubles and I'm worried about the same thing with the clomid. I have read a few threads about escaping the s/e the first cycle, so I'm cautiously optimistic that might happen for me, too.

The other thing that scares me is how long I'll be impacted by the clomid. I mean, it's taken for just a few days but then you feel its work for a long time afterwards. I wonder just how long it stays in your system. Also, I feel like my body has never been the same after being on BCPs. I was only on them for 4 or 5 months and during that time I gained 10 pounds and lost my sex drive entirely. I haven't yet lost the weight completely (it comes and goes but I've yet to return to my pre-pill size) and my sex drive has never completely returned. I was on the pill 5 years ago!!!!!! I'm sure anyone reading this will be very skeptical that this was the pill's doing, but hey, it's my body and I think whatever I want.

Well, I could spend all day in bed but I should probably at least do some laundry.

Well, the clomid script is filled and waiting for me to start taking tomorrow. I spoke with my RE's nurse yesterday, and had yet another frustrating conversation with her. I have never come across another person more difficult to communicate with. We just don't understand each other AT ALL, and we're both speaking English!

I had a few questions for them: since I've got the right tube issues and they don't want to do IUI with that ovary, should we also avoid intercourse that cycle, as well? I also wanted to try doing 25 mg of clomid first, because I already have a tendency to develop cysts.

So we went around and around without any answers, and then I gave up and asked about follie u/s. She said that I could come in around CD 14 or 15 and I promptly informed her that I would have long since O'd by then because I've never O'd later than CD 13 in my life (and it's usually a little earlier). So she finally agreed to have me come in on CD 11, "because you think you have an earlier ovulation."

Lady, I don't 'think', I KNOW! I've been charting my clockwork cycles for years! I also asked if the clomid might make me O later and she said it might.

Grrr. I'm always really frustrated when I get off the phone with her. I wish my RE had another nurse I could talk to.

I feel moody already and I haven't even started the clomid yet!

I could scream right now. If I wasn't tired and didn't have a cat sleeping in my lap, I just might. I was so worked up about taking clomid in the first place. I've been dreading it all day... and now this.

I don't generally like to just insult people, but this is really unbelievable to me...

So I just took my first ever dose of clomid. Or perhaps I should say that I just took the first TWO doses.

I'm supposed to be taking 50 mg a day from CD 5-9. It says all over the prescription, "Take 2 tablets by mouth every day starting CD 5 through CD 9." So far, so good, right?

So I had been reading the package insert thoroughly and was about to chicken out when I decided to just take the two pills - as instructed - and then finish reading. I took the pills, continued reading. At the end of the notes, it says: "recommended dose: 50 mg daily (1 tablet)...." "Each tablet contains 50 mg of clomiphene..." Says it on the outside of the box, too.

I was arguing to be on 25 mg, and I just took 100 mg for my first dose.

Great. I'm so mad at the doctor or the pharmacist, or WHOEVER made this mistake!!!!!

OK, so I hope it's not that big of a deal. I'm definitely going to call my RE tomorrow and find out how to proceed (do I skip tomorrow's dose or just resume with the true 50 mg dose?).

Resisting the urge to go have my stomach pumped.

So who do I sue?

I just don't believe it! How can this happen? I'm such a careful person! Shame on me for following the directions from the RE/pharmacist?? Is that the lesson?

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh hhh!!!!!!!!!!

Who am I kidding?

I'm totally freaking out right now!!!! I am not a medicine kind of person. Ever, really. I might take an advil for a headache once in a while, but I resist taking any other drugs. I remember going on the pill and sitting for a long time on my couch before taking the first one. I just kept looking at this little thing and was amazed at how this little tiny pill could have such an impact on my body.

I just went to my poor, sweet husband for comfort. He's like me with the whole medicine issue, and had been a little reluctant for me to take clomid. When I came to him so upset, he said this is just confirmation that I'm not ready for this. So unless I have some sort of epiphany tomorrow, we're going to do IUI without the clomid (besides the 100 mg that is already currently in my system).

This is actually a good plan to me. In TCOYF, she says that doctors often prescribe clomid as a 'catch-all' even though it's not really designed to do anything except make non-ovulating women ovulate. Well, I do ovulate. So far, way more than 12 cycles in a row (confirmed by temps). I've never missed a period or had a late one, even. My longest cycle since I was 13 years old was 27 days. From my very first period, I've been as regular as a drunk goes to a bar. As regular as a cat to its nap... as regular as rain to a rainforest... you get the point.

OK, I have several rehearsals in the morning and I REALLY really REALLY need to practice. Time to get my mind off this and hope that I don't die from overdose in my sleep.

:rofl: die from overdose? I guess there's a flair for the dramatic somewhere in me after all.

Well, 24 hours later I have acquired a bit more composure. I spoke with my RE's nurse and she said that my chart says 100mg even though the script said 50mg. She said they often start patients on 100mg so she thought I should stick with it.

I just took my second dose (of 100mg) and have stepped back to reflect on the day.

Side effects: headache, indigestion, very mild nausea, one hot flash that was the single most weird experience of my life!!! (I'm always cold, so being warm suddenly was a great shock)

Here's the interesting thing - they come and go in waves. The headache is dull, moves around to different parts of my head and comes and goes very quickly. The heartburn has been fairly constant but tolerable. The nausea was brief and may have been related to needing some food!

I just hope it doesn't get worse and I sincerely hope it doesn't affect my mood. I already feel a little wigged out that I'm not 100%, you know?

So I guess I'm on CD 6 and I'll be going in for the follie scan on Tuesday. We'll probably start the BD action tomorrow or Saturday - getting geared up for the marathon!

So I only have two more doses and today I have felt absolutely fine. Actually, I'm in a great mood! I feel more hope that we might just conceive this cycle, or soon.

But I am disturbed that I feel some O pains on my right side. Bad side to be feeling anything, and too early. So now I'm a little worried that I might O tomorrow, on my last dose. I really hope not, but I do O on CD 9 a few times a year.

I just think this cycle is going to be very difficult for me to interpret. My temps have been funky (but more about that in a minute) and I've been feeling wet downstairs. Ordinarily I would say that I am gearing up to O in the next day or so, but maybe this is just what it's like on clomid??? I wonder if the clomid will make me O later, since it's supposed to regulate the cycle. I also wonder if I'll have a longer LP, but I'll worry about that once I get finished O-ing!!

So I finally bought a BBT thermometer. I know, I know, I've been temping since 2002 (with a lengthy hiatus) but I should have not used a digital that entire time. I just thought that it was fine since I always see a clear shift after O-ing. But just a few minutes ago, I decided to test both therms to see how they compared.

Digital: 97.7
BBT: 98.02

I know I'll drop the hundredth, but .3 of a degree is a pretty big difference when we're looking at subtleties. Yikes! Now I feel bad that we're going to be spending all this $$ on fertility treatments when our timing just might have been off. I don't think so, though. My LP is always 13 days and the digital has always clearly shown that. We'll see. I think we need to try to work up the energy to BD one more time, on the day of the temp rise. I know it sounds awful, but in 12 cycles we haven't ONCE BD'd on O day. It probably hasn't made a difference, but our RE told us we needed to and we will this cycle, darn it!

So yesterday was a big day. I went in for the follie scan in the morning and even though I was obviously hoping the left ovary was going to be dominant, I was more concerned about the clomid screwing my body up. Because of that concern, I think I wasn't as disappointed as I probably would have been to find that the right ovary is currently winning the race at 16mm. The left ovary's best follie is at 11mm. So the technician reassured me that it was possible for me to get pregnant still with just intercourse (right) and I thought that was the end of the story.

Well, the RE's nurse called with the results and I was stunned to hear that they still want to do the IUI. When I questioned her about the ovary dominance issues, she said that things can change quickly with these follies and they can grow at different rates, etc., etc.

It still feels like contradictory information to me, but I'm not a doctor. I kept asking her questions for clarification until she was annoyed with me and then I just decided to let it go. I have to trust them at some point and know that they - hopefully - have a better picture of what is going on than I do. I mean, this is their job.

Then Amanda (God bless Amanda!) from the TTC 1st time board said that with clomid it is very likely to have multiple ovulations and that is probably what they are counting on. She's had 2 IUIs so far, so she's learned a lot about the process. Her doctor also told her they are looking for a total follie size count of at least 32 to increase the odds of conception.

Another girl said that either fallopian tube can pick up a released egg but when I looked again at TCOYF, it doesn't really seem possible.

Anyway, so I'm twiddling my thumbs and anxiously waiting for the LH surge. My guess is that I'll O tomorrow or Friday. I just hope I get the + OPK BEFORE I O and not AFTER like last cycle.

Well, I'm pretty sure I actually O'd Saturday (yesterday) rather than Friday. But I went in and had the IUI on Friday morning. I got the + OPK this morning, just like the last three cycles. Why bother with OPKs if they do the same thing temps do - show the morning AFTER ovulation!?!

The IUI was fine, not really painful at all. I think I have been hurting increasingly more from ovulation pains, etc. My right ovary has been really really uncomfortable, and I felt some twinges in my left ovary this morning also. If I really did O yesterday, I don't really understand why I would still feel all these pains (and they seem to be getting worse). But my temp went WAY up this morning and there's almost no doubt.

Let the waiting begin! One last BD for good measure and then the march towards the end of two weeks is onward.

I'm SO tired! Too early to be a 'sign' but I'm tired, nonetheless. Al is watching '24' and practicing trumpet upstairs, so I think I'll stay down here for a few more minutes. I really need to do some dishes and run the dishwasher, but I can't get myself off this chair.

We went out to eat tonight and had a lively conversation without any TTC talk. I was proud of myself and yet horrified to think about how much this is taking over my life. It kind of depends on the setting, I guess. When I'm teaching or doing music-related things, I don't think about TTC at all. But then when I have some down time, it always comes up in my mind. I guess I'm just compartmentalizing.

I'm still troubled by the positive OPK that I got yesterday morning. If I relied solely on OPKs, I would think that I'm gearing up to ovulate or that it was happening today. My body tells me that it has already happened; the chemistry says no way. I don't know what to do! If these were normal circumstances, I would just say let's BD until a few days after the OPK surge. But since we're trying to time the IUI just right, it makes the timing crucial.

Oh, I can't think about this anymore tonight. I just can't stop yawning!