Not too much to report. I'm 6 DPO, just waiting... I think the first part of the 2ww is much easier than the days leading up to ovulation.
I decided at the last minute to take the day off to practice the Brahms. The concert is on Sunday and I just need a lot more practice time! I've been alternating between the piano and the internet, making this one perfect day! I leave in about 30 minutes to have lunch with Al and then I'll head to the church to test out the two pianos and decide which one I'm voting for. Since I'm technically playing the 'primo' part, I guess I could be mean about it and insist on whichever one I want. But if Annette feels really strongly about one piano, I'll probably let her have it. I'm that nice.
I'll either be pregnant or going through AF during spring break. We're going up to Chi-town and IKEA!! I hope I get to buy some baby stuff, but I won't buy anything baby-related until I get a BFP.
I've decided to test next Friday, at 13 DPO, if my temps stay up. I might cave and test Thursday, but it'll just depend on how I feel/temps. I'm pretty sure I'll have to buy a HPT first, so maybe I'll be smart and wait until Thursday afternoon to buy the test. Maybe.
I go in tomorrow to get my progesterone checked. I keep forgetting and then remembering... I should write it down.
Wishful thinking that yesterday was 6 dpo, when I am 6 dpo TODAY!!
I had my progesterone checked this morning. I know they normally check at 7-8 dpo, so I was all prepared to justify a low number by saying that I just O'd 6 days ago. Turns out that wasn't necessary! When the nurse called this afternoon, she said my progesterone was over 20 and that is very good!
I asked her if this was any indication of pregnancy, and she said that progesterone levels only show ovulation... but she did also say that there is a 'good possibility' that I could be pregnant. We just have to hope that the sperm found some egg(s) and that they're able to implant!!!
The bad news is that I have a sore throat. It showed up last night and has been bothering me all day today. I've been drowning myself in liquids, but I just hope I can either get rid of it or hold it off until after my performance Sunday... yuck!!!!
So during the week, Al has to leave for school by 6:40am. I leave for school around 8:30am. Clearly, I do not need to wake up for almost another hour after Al LEAVES, but out of the kindness of my heart, I nearly always get up at 6am. I take my temp, make oatmeal and lunch for both of us and then dawdle around until it's time for me to go.
This weekend was such a big one with the Brahms yesterday and we're both just very stressed out from teaching and REALLY need a break from the kids (this is the last week before spring break - yay!!! ). So when I finished temping this morning, I decided to roll over for just one more minute.... and Al was still there, 'wanting to cuddle.' And of course we both promptly fell asleep again.... until 6:45am. Not a great start to the week. Panic ensued.
Our bedroom is on the second floor, so I decided to pee in the downstairs bathroom to stay out of Al's way. Sorry... TMI alert... I was SO gassy! I kept thinking, 'WHAT on earth did I eat yesterday?' and couldn't really thinking of anything out of the ordinary. I did have fajitas for dinner, but have never had that kind of reaction before. Al gets downstairs about 5 minutes later and immediately turns on the fan in the bathroom. Pretty gross.
To make matters worse, my temp plunged today. I'm only 9 DPO! Implantation dip my butt! I've been on THAT rollercoaster before and it didn't let me off at the BFP stop.
And I'm still fighting this wannabe cold.
On top of it all, I have a few students coming to my house for piano lessons after school today, so I have to clean it. Should have this weekend but we were either bums or busy.
Boy, I hope this isn't just the beginning of a bad week! Surely not, though. The week before spring break is just the best! End in sight.
I'm so tired. Long weekend, I guess. I just don't feel like doing anything. Thankfully I don't have a class until 1pm. Should work on some lesson plans, but I can barely type right now. Getting the materials for the lesson planning and *thinking* would be way too much right now!
OK, so I admit. I suspect an implantation dip this morning. And I wonder if there are 'other reasons' why I'm so tired. But I play this game with myself every other 2ww and it gets me nowhere.
One of the women in our choir has a 3-month old, and he's just adorable. For the concert yesterday - concert dress is tuxes for men, long black dresses for women - she had found a little 3-mo. old tux! It was too cute.
Maybe I'm weird, but I almost never ask to hold someone's baby unless they offer. I just never want to make someone feel uncomfortable... so anyway, even though I've seen this baby lots of times, the mother offered for me to hold him yesterday. YES, of course I'd love to! So I got to hold the tuxedo'd baby, and he just looked at me the entire time like, 'who are you? You're not my mother.' But he was just adorable. I can't wait to have our own!!!
I feel so discouraged right now. I think I've been counting on the clomid/IUI to work, and this morning I had to face the unbearable truth that it may not have.
All these little 'symptoms' of sore boobs, etc., have been slowly going away... it was definitely the clomid all along, not early signs of pregnancy. My temps are slightly unreliable right now, because I have a head cold and have been mouth-breathing for the past two nights. I felt like I was going to suffocate when I tried to temp this morning!
The one unusual thing I have been feeling is my right side, near the ovary. Every day I feel some kind of twinge or little pain there. I keep debating about calling the nurse, but I feel weird calling. What am I going to say? "Sorry to bother you guys, but I've been feeling my right ovary. Just wanted to let you know so you can finalize your judgment of me as a hypochondriac." Right.
I think part of it is that even though the clomid was bearable, I really don't want to experience again the strong ovulatory pains, and I especially don't want to stress about timing the IUI again.
What a blah mood I'm in. Maybe it's a late s/e from the clomid.
I talked to a dear friend last night who has been my friend since high school. We've been friends for over 15 years and we've been through EVERYTHING together. Unfortunately, we haven't seen each other since his wedding last May and he's in med school now so we've only talked a few times. We were lamenting our distance apart, and I didn't realize until after we got off the phone that I really do miss him!
Anyway, since he's in med school, I decided to finally tell him that we've been TTC and are now getting some help. I also told him that I'd bet him $10 that I know more about the reproductive system than he does.
Of course, he started quizzing me: "so you know about FSH?"
"You mean, the 'Follicle Stimulating Hormone'? The test that is slightly controversial that measures the life expectancy of your eggs and is usually tested on CD 2 or 3? That one?"
He asked me how I was handling this whole idea of children being a blessing from God and the fact that we haven't been 'blessed' yet. I told him that I really do hope that God blesses us with children, but that He's the one calling the shots and I may never know why He does what He does. Adoption is a possibility, too... and that it's much easier said than done - feeling peace about all this is really hard sometimes.
The thing is, I already have so much - a wonderful husband, a house, a good family, jobs, food on the table, so much more. I feel like a spoiled brat whining about not being able to have children. Does this mean God loves me less? No. But it's still hard to believe sometimes.
Man, this must be PMS. I hate feeling this way. Yuck!
I just need to share about how wonderful my husband is. This is his third year teaching band in an inner-city school district. The district is terrible, top-heavy and very unorganized.
When he first started teaching here, he had to start the band program from scratch. No one could play anything. But he taught them to play! They went to a competition in the spring (it's held every spring and not every school goes - only if they're ready) and they were rated a 2 out of 5. Pretty good considering they'd never been before...
The second year, his program was even better. They went to the same competition and earned a 1 out of 5! The improvement from the first year to the second was just incredible. He's so great with these kids.
Then the turbulent district made some big changes and Al got transferred to another school this year. He wasn't happy, especially when he found out that the situation was exactly the same as his first year. No one could play at all, and to make matters worse, they had no instruments.
It's a long story, but they were almost 8 weeks into the school year before he finally got some instruments. Then he started teaching them how to play. He didn't think it'd be possible for them to go to this competition because of the late start.
But they did go, and Al said yesterday that he was really hoping for a 2 out of 5.
The competition was today. They got a 1!!!!
I wish everyone could see how wonderful Al is. I love his approach to teaching and to classroom management. He is always gentle; he never screams. He is very patient, and he has done an AMAZING job with these kids.
We're both really really hoping he can get into a better district next year. I know I'll feel better about him being in a safer environment, and he deserves to teach students who can play. He could take them to such high levels.
I'm feeling cautiously hopeful this morning. My temp went back up (), and I feel absolutely exhausted for no reason. I fell asleep last night before 10pm!! I can't remember the last time that happened. I woke up around 1am and thought it was 5am. I was really happy to be able to breathe through my nose and hope my temp stays high tomorrow.
Tomorrow is test day. AF should arrive Saturday, so if there's going to be a positive, it would most likely show up tomorrow. I'm so nervous. BFNs are unbearable, and yet I'm just so darn curious about what the answer is! I hate all this waiting. I guess learning piano didn't teach me enough delayed gratification.
Today, alas, is Thursday. I loathe and despise Thursdays. I go to another school and the kids there are so out of control. I also have to travel from classroom to classroom with nothing but a CD player. Hardly an ideal music teaching situation... I, too, cannot wait to get out of this district. There are moments when I feel that working at Starbucks would be a nicer alternative.
Sometimes I wonder if God just doesn't want us to have children. It's so hard to conform my will to His, especially in this area. But I have to, because I don't want to spend my entire life fighting Him.
Tonight I started feeling some AF cramps.
Of course, I'm also surrounded by pregnancy announcements. Yesterday, I opened an e-mail from a friend who was posting some pics from her son's first birthday. And surprise, surprise... she's due again in October. Tonight, at our choir rehearsal, not one but two ladies announced the pregnancy of their daughter/sister. To make it so much worse, the sister is 40 and had been trying for a few years to get pregnant and finally just 'gave it to God' and let it go. And He 'gave it back' to her. I hate hearing stuff like that. Plenty of people let go of the idea of being pregnant and it never happens. Does that mean God loves them less, or that they have less faith? I certainly hope not!! We just never hear about them.
I just feel so depressed. This cycle has been such a rollercoaster. Just this morning I was hopeful, now I know my temp will plummet in the morning like it always does the day before AF. Only one cycle in the previous 12 has my temp NOT plunged the day before AF, and it was just the same temp as the previous day.
One thing I've been thinking about is the fact that no matter what my attitude is, my temp will be what it is tomorrow. Does that make sense? Good or bad attitude, I can't control whether or not I'm pregnant. So I can expect it to plummet and see that it does (or be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't) or I can hope it'll stay up and be sorely disappointed (or happy if it does). Either way, I can't affect it at all with my willpower. I guess that's partly why it's so frustrating to hear people say 'just relax and it will happen.' Because it's not true! It's science.
OK, enough moping. It's not over. I'm not done trying yet. Onward to a new cycle.
Well, let's just say I was pleasantly surprised this morning. My temp actually went up! Since it didn't drop, I decided to take a test - and got a +!!!!! It's a little faint, but definitely there. I'll test again in the morning with a digital. But I've been feeling more 'unusual' today so I'm pretty sure this is it. I have never showed Al any of my BFNs and he hasn't spent hours online analyzing other people's HPTs so the poor guy had no idea what he was looking at when I started freaking out. He's decided to reserve his excitement until he sees it on the digital in the morning.
The day before Al proposed, we went to lunch and I was all whiny about when he was going to pop the question. I was about to go home for Christmas and I wanted a ring on my finger, darn it! He said he had the hardest time keeping a straight face when all he wanted to do was say, "TOMORROW - it's happening tomorrow!! Relax!"
Last night, God must have been doing something like that with me. I had a hard time sleeping and was SO sad about the cramping and just thinking that it would never happen and how was I going to deal with being childless. Around 5am, I started thinking about how I needed to just work on conforming my will to God's and learn to be satisfied with what He has given me (or not given me). That it would be very unpleasant but necessary for my own sanity.
That is all still true, by the way, despite getting a BFP today. I do need to learn to rest in what God has for me and not try to control everything and pout like one of my kindergarteners when I don't get my way. SO HARD.
Anyway, I'm still at risk for an ectopic and I still have sticks to pee on and blood to have drawn... I'm not going anywhere yet!!!