I'm still a bit dazed, I must admit. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people, after all...
I woke up at 5:59am, impatiently temped (I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop temping after doing it for so long!) and desperately had to pee. I drank a lot of water before bed, so it was a race to get a cup, two tests, stopwatch (yes I'm that anal) and into the bathroom.
After the digital popped up wonderful news, I brought the test up to Al (still sleeping). On a weekday, he would already be up, but he has the gift of sleep and probably won't officially wake up until 10 this morning. Anyway, I told him to wake up and look at this.
He put his glasses on, peered at the digital and handed it back to me. "What is this supposed to mean, there's only one line?"
"It's not a line, silly, READ it!" (must get his eyes checked!)
I handed him a bib that said, "I love my daddy" (I won't even tell you how long ago I bought that - months and months...).
He laughed and said, "Now we only have 8 more months to sleep. Let's spoon." Silly man. As if I could sleep now after finding out I'm going to be a mommy!!
I go in for my first HCG reading today. And I'm going to beg for an u/s of my right ovary. I've been feeling pains there since before I O'd, but they've been getting worse. Yesterday, I was driving and the pain came out of nowhere and radiated out to my hip and down to my upper leg. Not pleasant at all.
So I'm very concerned that I have either a cyst or an ectopic. Either way, it's not a good thing, because a ruptured cyst could harm the baby and/or cause me to m/c. Obviously an ectopic would be a disaster. Enough said.
I've been fretting and not sleeping well (plus the pain woke me up twice last night), but I just have to trust God. He loves this little guy more than I do; He knows this little one better than I do. I really believe He has a plan for everything, and if His plan is to bring this little one to heaven before I get a chance to meet them, then I need to just trust in God's providence. Sure I can be upset and sad, etc., but it just doesn't do me any good to fight God. There's no winning a fight with God (look at Jonah).
So we'll see. I'm certainly not moving over to the pregnancy boards just yet. That just seems way too presumptuous...
The first HCG reading was 109. Nice and normal for a singleton.
Last night right before bed I felt some really intense cramps. I cramp for very brief periods of time several times a day, but I have a hard time telling sometimes if it's stretching, AF-like cramps or intestinal cramps.
My digestive system is currently freaking out over all these internal changes. I've really changed my diet dramatically for the better (no caffeine whatsoever, no sweets, etc.) but apparently my body preferred the old *mostly* healthy way, because yesterday alone I experienced the entire range of constipation to diarrhea! How someone can be stopped up and then mere hours later get the runs is a mystery to me.
Anyway, back to last night. I had a very strong burning sensation just above my pubic bone area (bladder region??) right in the middle of my abdomen. I was so afraid this was going to be the end of this little life. It just hurt SOOO much, I couldn't do anything except lie very still and pray that it would stop. Al got into bed right after I laid down and it was agonizing for him to jostle the bed getting comfortable.
I've been noticing a theme to this cramping... it seems to be worse after I exercise. But I've hardly been doing anything hard with the exercise. I only walk and not even that fast and not more than 30 minutes. I don't want to stop doing it because I think it's good for me and I'm hardly pushing myself (I don't even break a sweat!). I guess I'll ask my RE about the cramping.
OK, we're headed to Chi-town this afternoon!!! It'll help make the wait for the next HCG test go by faster...
5 weeks today. I got my very first BFP ever just over a week ago.
Wow, we spent so much money at IKEA! I love that store. I was really proud of myself, too, absolutely nothing baby. I figure we have plenty of time and I don't want to have a house full of baby stuff if I miscarry. I know, aren't I all sunshine and rosy cheeks?
My dad is coming tomorrow for business and will be here all week. In light of this new development, we've decided to tell my parents tonight. We were going to tell them the week after Easter when we go down for my mom's 60th birthday, but I think it would be impossible to hide this from my dad for a week and we didn't want to tell him in person and my mom over the phone because she'd be sad to find out alone with us all here. So complicated. Anyway, Al is going to make a video and e-mail it to them then call and tell them to watch while we're on the phone. It's the best we can do under the circumstances.
In the meantime, I get my 2nd beta check tomorrow and will be on pins and needles until the nurse calls in the afternoon. While we were gone, I had a few periods of pretty intense cramping and I figured out that it wasn't triggered by exercise at all. It was just a coincidence. For some bizarre reason, I feel much worse (in general) in the evenings and that's when I had been exercising. While we were traveling, I hopped on the treadmill at the hotel in the morning (two mornings in a row) and felt wonderful afterwards. And yet that evening brought more cramping. I hope it's normal...
When will the stupid nurse call!?!?!?!?! I'm going crazy!!! And I'm about to teach two classes back to back so if she calls, I'll have to wait an HOUR to find out! Aaarrgghh!
The waiting room was packed this morning and I had to wait almost 30 minutes to get called back for the draw. It's the first time I've ever had to wait - I've always just gone back and get out of there within about 2 minutes. I did go earlier, though, than usual.
And I fell asleep while I was waiting. It was early, we went to bed too late last night, and I'm exhausted! So what better time to take a little siesta?
So this only took about 2 minutes to type. Come on, nurse!!! Call!!
The worst news... it's funny, I wasn't concerned at all about the first set of numbers. But this time, I was so antsy for the results. Anyway, my number was 274, but it should have been around 800.
So my RE's nurse said it's most likely a chemical pregnancy and there's a less than 1% chance of things turning out normal. Oh, and she's really sorry.
I'm devastated. And it looks like they will have to do a D&C if I don't miscarry myself. Back to square one. Well, not yet back to square one. It will probably be another month before we can TTC again.
But it hurts so much. I wish I hadn't gotten so excited until I knew things were going in the right direction.
I know God's timing is perfect and He has wisdom that I can't even comprehend. I know He loves me and sympathizes with me. He knows what I can and cannot handle. Maybe this child would have been completely deformed, like they say is the cause of most chemical pregnancies (chromosomal abnormalities). If that's the case, better to find out now and get it over with than carry full-term and be devastated then. Oh, I hate this. It's going to take a while.
I'm actually feeling better than I thought I might feel. I'm still really sad, and I'm despising but also dreading the ending of my pregnancy symptoms. I never thought I'd miss sore boobs, cramping, and exhaustion!
I think I feel better for two reasons:
1. I know I can get pregnant.
2. I'm so thankful I found out early on, rather than get further in the pregancy and be faced with horrible news.
I do hate that my dad is in town. We got the bad news about an hour before he arrived, so we were both just numb and probably acting like robots. He kept the conversation going, thankfully, although I wish I could think his recent business trip to Mexico City was as fascinating as he thinks it was. When I told my mom on the phone last night, she was SO sad. I almost wish I hadn't told them, but I think my sadness would have been too hard to hide this week.
I just hope I don't break down and cry when they do the blood draw tomorrow morning. I also hope I don't cry when the nurse calls with the news. It's just awful to have all these hormones and emotions racing through my body and little things just send me over the edge.
Someone told me that with a D&C we'd have to wait 2 months before TTC again!!!! That's terrible. I'm going to concentrate my prayers on a natural m/c.
How dreadful to pray for a m/c. But it would allow us to TTC sooner.
Well, I'm already nervous about the bloodwork and u/s on Monday. I have no idea what to expect. I expected my HCG to be way down on Wednesday and it had shot up.
I feel exactly the same. Absolutely no spotting. I have only very slight twinges of cramping, etc., maybe twice a day. But that's probably to be expected as I near the 6 week mark.
I just wonder if there is a living baby inside me. Is it okay? Why didn't my numbers rise like they should? Am I going to miscarry anyway after all this? I hate not being able to get excited about being pregnant because I have no idea how long it will last and if things will turn out well.
I wish I had answers... then I could deal, you know? Oh well, I guess they're coming soon enough.
We had a big day today. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that everything on my list (and I mean everything) will be checked off today! I decided last night that I wasn't going to turn on the computer until my list was completed. I almost made it.
We went to a nursery, got mulch and flowers and stuff, worked in the yard, did 4 loads of laundry, ran and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, vacuumed the stairs, and put up some blinds and pictures that we got at IKEA last week.
It was the hauling vacuum up the stairs and holding it so I could vacuum them that did it. Cramping pain in the middle/right side of my lower abdomen and I stopped to take a computer break.
I just have to finish vacuuming the cat hair off the couch, write a letter to the choristers and work on our monthly budget and I'll be done! It's only 7pm, so no problem!!
Amazing the lengths one will go to in order to keep one's mind off of a particular subject... namely, the 'will I have a baby or not' question.
Ugh... I'm so bloated! All waistbands feel tight to me right now. Praying it's a good sign...