Slowly returning to the land of the living. Yesterday morning was better but I was still fairly miserable. Gradually I got better as the day passed. I felt gross again this morning, but it generally seems that I feel stronger and with less pain every few hours.
I actually felt well enough to get some housework done last night (took most of the day off other than judging a piano competition in the morning). Al was so happy - for him, I think that's been the worst part of me being sick all week. At least he won't take me for granted for a while.
We watched 'the holiday' yesterday afternoon. It was a cute movie, held my interest, but I was really disturbed by the message. Maybe I'm feeling ultra-sensitive these days, maybe it's because I haven't had any sex for 50 days now (and counting ), but I just felt like they painted a terrible picture of what love is really all about.
Or maybe it's because this week we experienced the 'in sickness... for worse' part of our vows. I guess loving someone doesn't always include cozy cottages and having sex 3 times a day with someone you've just met.
My husband truly loved me this week and to call that other flimsy, infatuation stuff 'love' is truly an insult to what love is.
Love is (sometimes) sitting in the ER when you've been up for 24 hours straight and rubbing someone's back for 2 hours because it's the only thing that helps them at all and you would do anything. Love is making all the meals and washing all the dishes even though you've been working all day and you're tired.
I just felt so loved this week and I know not many people give or receive that kind of love. We're coming up on our 5 year anniversary and I feel like we've both learned so much about what it means to love the other during our marriage. When we first got married, I didn't think I could love Al more than I already did. But I was wrong. It's not always easy, but love is a choice we make. Caring about someone even when they aren't being nice or are particularly 'lovable' at that time.
Oh I give up. I'm too emotionally spent and this is too deep for me right now. I'll let someone more eloquent fix it and finish it. Maybe someone who has loved better and longer than me.
I got a call from my RE this morning at work. She was just checking up on me. I've never had a doctor do that before! I was amazed.
Thankfully, I'm almost 100%. Every day is just a little bit better, and advil bridges the gap.
Friday's beta should hopefully be zero. (fingers crossed)
In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow morning. I REALLY hope I get the job. It's perfect for me - a piano instructor position at the local visual/performing arts school. Did I say I hope I get the job yet?
Beta was sadly not zero, but almost. It's 13. Still a little pregnant.
It's probably just as well. We've finally been cleared to have sex (after 60 days!) and I know I'll be nervous I'm going to 'accidentally' miraculously ovulate and miraculously get pregnant and have a 3-headed child. So while I'm still a little pregnant, I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
Wouldn't it just figure if I finally got pregnant naturally, just when I'm not supposed to? Oh well. Just two more months to wait.
Job interview was, um, interesting (and thanks Mandie! I still can't believe - and frequently forget - that anyone reads this Don't know why, though, because I check up on people and figure they must do the same).
Anywho, we'll see about the job. I think it's mine if I want it. I still need to figure out if I want it. It's not quite what I had in mind... but we'll see. More soul-searching in order here.
I'm so sick of this school year. I'm tired of the kids, tired of teaching, tired of all the behavior problems (especially on Thursday, when I go to a terrible school). I keep looking at the calendar, hoping the final weeks will go by faster...
I have a job interview tomorrow morning. It's a second interview, but because of the issues with this crappy district, I just might have a third. You'd think this was a high-powered job like running a corporation or something. Nope, just trying to be a teacher. If they don't make a better impression than last time, I'm not coming back next year. I'll miss the benefits, but there are other jobs.
On the TTC front, I have a good feeling Friday will be zero. In fact, I bet it is already. I started noticing some CM in my undies two days ago, and realized that I've been dry since they gave me the injection. So I'm taking it as a good sign. It's just such a mystery when my cycles will start again. I don't know what my body will do. Will my body prepare to ovulate as soon as the HCG level hits zero, or will it take a break? I guess no one knows for sure.
Not that it matters, I still have almost 2 months left to wait.
In the meantime, I'm practicing again and decided officially to take doctoral auditions next spring. I should have done it this spring, but kept putting them off because I thought I was going to be raising children. We decided that our lives can't be put on hold for what may never come to pass, so we're moving on. Hopefully kids will easily fit in, but we'll see.
Well, Friday proved to be the BIG FAT ZERO day!! Finally got the HCG levels back to zero and my RE wants me to wait one natural cycle before starting up with clomid/IUI again. I'm going to be conservative and wait the 1 month, 3 weeks that are left after the methotrexate. We just don't want to increase our chanced of birth defects... I know I'll likely cycle before then (I think I'm already getting ready to ovulate, if it didn't happen over the weekend). So now, let the thumb twiddling begin!
Can I start TTC again yet?
The plan is to take this forced break and just get really healthy. But that involves getting on the treadmill, something I have yet to bring myself to do. I don't know why, I enjoy exercising... it's just hard to get started.
I'm taking a personal 'sanity' day today. I hate going to this school on Thursdays. If I could stay at my normal school all 5 days of the week, rather than four days, I'd probably still have most of my personal days left. I've only taken off 3 days at my normal school this entire school year, and two of them were because I was too sick to stand upright.
Anyway, I've been sitting happily on the internet since about 7am so I should probably go be productive since it's now almost 10am. It's beautiful outside right now, so I'm going to attempt to clean the outdoor a/c units and finish planting a few flowers. Then some inside cleaning. It's going to be a great day.
I broke out in what I hope is a heat rash yesterday. It's disgusting, but just in appearance. I don't feel bad at all, just slightly itchy.
My mom wondered if it could be from the methotrexate. I kind of doubt it, other than the compromised immune system combined with being out of shape...
still waiting to get back on the ttc wagon. i did start temping again. i actually missed knowing what was happening and i wonder if/when i'm going to O again. yep, i'm weird.
First, I got a letter from my RE. She's moving to Oregon. She was the best doctor ever.
Then at choir tonight, a girl announced that she's pregnant. OK, that's not so bad. Here's the kicker: she's due when I was supposed to be due. I was really doing okay with this whole thing, but now I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Now I'll be watching her progress as I should have.
So sad. I feel like the grief just hit me fresh, like I just heard the bad news today.
Someday I'm going to only have all positive and no negative news.
Sadly, that day is not today.
There is some good news, though: my digestive/intestinal system finally is back to normal. Thank God!!
The bad news is that the 'heat rash' is most definitely NOT a heat rash. I showed it to the school nurse and she was a little baffled. She thought it looked more like zits than anything, which I had been thinking, too. Except that my worst high school hormone-filled breakout couldn't hold a candle to this many zits. It's like having chicken pox again, except with zits. And it just showed up literally over night.
I took Benedryl, it did nothing. By now it was the weekend and too late to find a doctor. So I googled the darn methotrexate again.
It can cause acne and boils. Thank God I don't have any boils!!!
It hasn't gotten worse, and it really does just seem like harmless old acne (although a count the stars in the heavens portion of zits). So we've been treating it like it's acne and it does seem to be helping.
Now I understand why they say to wait 3 months... that methotrexate is still wrecking havoc on me! God forbid I ever have another ectopic, but surgery would DEFINITELY be the preferred way to deal with it next time. Between the intense cramping, massive bleed, the intestinal issues that lasted OVER a month, general ickiness, compromised immune system, and finally this horrible breakout, with who knows what might be next (since every time I think it's done doing its damage), surgery just HAS to be better!
Surprise, surprise, surprise! CD 1 today. Only 1.5 months after the metho injection. I felt crampy yesterday, and noticed my temp had dropped some, but just didn't know what to expect. Well, look out for ol' Aunt Flo!
I was told to call my RE's office when I got to CD 1 and then we'd start round 2 of clomid/IUI, but after some soul-searching (and much-needed advice from TTC 1st time buddies) I told them I was waiting a cycle.
So here I am, hoping everything is back to normal now.
It's been a busy week... my students had their spring program yesterday afternoon. I tell you what - those first graders can SING! They put all the other grades to shame, even the 'big' 5th graders. I think 1st grade might be my favorite grade to teach (or maybe it's just THIS first grade?). If I was going to stick around next year, I guess I'd find out. But they all did really well - I was proud of all of my students...
Well, tomorrow is my birthday. Turning 31 (wow that's old!). I keep trying to figure out if I have unreasonably high expectations for my birthdays or if they're just in a pattern of being particularly disappointing. Last year, we went to a little B&B, but the only people who remembered (and called) were my mom and brother. No one else in my family, and none of my friends, called. It was lonely. Two years ago, my DH broke my heart for the first time - hopefully only time! - by making a very poor decision two days before my birthday. I found out about it the night before, and didn't sleep most of the night. That birthday was also very quiet and sad. Growing up, I saw pictures of the cakes and parties my mom did for my older brother and sister, but she was working and tired by the time I came along. I do remember my 8th birthday being nice...
Gosh, I'd better stop thinking about this or I'll make myself cry. When my DH asked me last night if I was looking forward to my birthday, I kind of stopped in my tracks. I mean, who doesn't look forward to a birthday? But who wants to live a disappointing day?
I know the ultimate decision is mine. I can choose to be happy or not. I encourage my students to rise above their stations in life and make something of themselves. Why shouldn't I do the same?