Well, 6-7 DPO today. It's almost 9:20am and I've already felt two twinges of pain in the direction of my right ovary today. I've decided to keep track for the next few days just to see what I'm dealing with. I just re-read my entries from the time I had the ectopic and I was surprised to see just how much I reported pain and/or cramping. It was rarely intense, so I had just chalked it up to normal pg symptoms... little did I know.
I don't feel great today. Slight nausea, dizzy and tired. Hopefully it will improve as I wake up.
I've again walked down the exact path that led me to an ectopic. A fool is one who repeats the same actions expecting different results. Have I trusted doctors too much? Feeling foolish...
Had my progesterone checked today. I'm confused, because last time the nurse gave me an exact number (26, I think?) but this time she just said it was over 20 and that it is good. I asked her for a specific number and she said that they don't measure it exactly, as long as it's over 20. WTH? Why would it be different from last time? It was only a few months ago...
Anyway, I'm feeling more hopeful that this worked, but I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up too high. I'm definitely feeling *different* but it could easily be from the clomid. My nips are tender today, which has only happened the time I got pg. But that was also the time I was on clomid, so I don't know which one it is.
Less than a week to wait! I've decided to test Thursday, at 12 dpo. I think a + would show up by then. That way, if it's + I can get a HCG reading on Friday.
I really need to go back to first grade math and learn how to count again. 12 dpo is really Tues/Wed (depending on when you think I O'd).
I was very enlightened about clomid, trigger shots, and life in general by Jo (thanks again!) and now I'm really not sure what my chances are of conception this cycle.
I'm really thankful, though, that my ovary pains on the right side are really going away. I only felt them 2-3 times yesterday and just once so far today. The unpleasant part is that they're making up for the reduced frequency by increasing the pain (it's a burning sensation - yuck!).
Nipps are still sore and now the area directly behind them is sore, too. Could be the clomid, though, I guess. Other than that, though, I feel absolutely fine. I bet we did miss that egg after all, darn it!
Oh well, I'll test Wednesday and find out for sure...
Well, tomorrow's the big day - for testing, that is. I feel so many emotions right now... afraid that it's a BFN, afraid that it's a BFP and in the wrong place, one minute thinking my chart/symptoms look pretty good, next minute thinking it doesn't look good at all (there's no implantation dip). I hate it! Why can't I be like my colleague who didn't find out she was pregnant until she was nearly four months in?!
The good news is that I hope my right ovary has had its last hurrah for this cycle. I felt about 10 seconds' worth of pretty severe cramping (with a bit of burning for good measure) down there yesterday afternoon. One moment of the dull cramping last night, and (thank God) nothing today so far. I'm still kicking myself for not keeping better track of it during my preggo cycle, so I could have a basis for comparison. Oh well. At least if it's a BFN, I'll know these pains are really normal for my ovaries when under the influence of clomid.
Is it tomorrow yet? This 2ww has really gone by pretty fast, but now it's just d r a g g i n g . . .
I'm pregnant. I really wish I could put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence, but I can't (yet). When I had the ectopic previously, I remember that the cramping and pains on my right side were always worse in the evenings, for some strange reason. Last night, Al and I were getting ready to take a walk and there they were... JUST like last time. I've felt AF-like cramping this morning (I think normal) but my right ovary is hurting, too.
So the plan is to call my RE as soon as they open and start begging for bloodwork. I know they won't believe me when I tell them I think it's ectopic again, so the sooner we can confirm it, the faster we can figure out what to do. Al and I discussed this last night (because I had a moment of clarity when I was sure I was pregnant and that it's in the wrong place). My old RE told me that they'd remove my right tube if I had another ectopic, but Al doesn't like that idea at all. He's afraid of what might happen if I lose my good tube, too. Losing my right tube doesn't really bother me, though. If it's only going to produce one ectopic after another, what's the point in keeping it around?? But we agreed that we'd ask them to remove the pregnancy and save the tube (if possible).
Al says we should be cautiously optimistic... we know we can get pregnant... blah blah blah. We already knew I can get pregnant. What's the point if we never get to keep it? Besides, it's not his body. I have these mental flashbacks of getting stuck like a pincushion, staring at my empty uterus on u/s monitor while they try in vain to find the ectopic, the horrible horrible pain after the methotrexate... I can't do it again. I don't know how I got through it the first time.
Well, I'm feeling more cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy. The RE's secretary was just AWFUL to me on the phone. She chewed me out for testing too soon (I was supposed to test on Friday) and then refused to let me come in for bloodwork until Monday. However, we're out of town until Thursday, so she set up an appointment for me to go to a different lab on Saturday. Does one freaking day REALLY make that big of a difference?!?!
Aside from that, Al and I had a good talk about providing a nurturing environment for our little one, no matter how short their stay is in our family. Our bean may only have a few short weeks on this earth, and we don't want that time to be spent in a sad and depressed body. Besides, we don't know for sure that anything is wrong (yet).
I've been feeling better (and worse) physically. The early pg symptoms have been slightly different this time around so far... good sign? But I can't bear to change my ticker yet. Not until I know everything is going to be okay.
I'm 4 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Hoping to stay this way for 36 more weeks.
1st beta back today. 259 @ 15dpo. It's definitely an improvement from last time (109 @ 16dpo) but not sky high like I was hoping.
I feel like my pg symptoms are leaving me (I know this is normal, but still scary!). I was SO exhausted over the weekend, with the tiredness being comparable to when I had mono several years back. I also have had random bouts of nausea, but nothing like on the scale of Wednesday night's encounters with the porcelain god. Even the sore boobs seem to be less sore. I do still have those random pains on my right side, but they don't seem to be as bad as last time. I do specifically remember some really uncomfortable, stop-in-your-tracks pains during week 4 last time (esp at the symphony). Hopefully none of that will be repeated, because I am pretty sure those were ectopic pains.
Just grasping at straws in attempts to have a positive attitude...
Second beta draw tomorrow. Some moments I'm terrified of the outcome, and some moments I feel peace. I just wish I knew one way or other...
My gut (though it often second-guesses itself many times a day) tells me things are okay this time. I don't have a fraction of the pain/cramping/discomfort that I did last time. I have had some bouts already with m/s, which I did not experience last time at all. And my first HCG # was much higher than last time. Those three factors give me a little more hope that at least our little baby is in the right spot.
We're supposed to hang out with some good friends tomorrow night, and she's about 6 weeks further along than me. They know all about our TTC struggles, and they know this beta tomorrow will give us a lot of info about where the pg is. Thankfully, we already discussed a last minute cancellation if we get bad news. It's so nice to know that I won't have to force myself to put on a smiling face (just in case).
My cloud started to turn into a raincloud when I had a dream last night that I was bleeding. But I just cannot allow myself to worry all the time. It's not good for me, and worrying doesn't change the outcome of anything. I believe that God is in charge and that He orchestrates things according to His will, for the greater good. So if He doesn't want me to have this baby for some reason 1) there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it, and 2) there's a reason (and probably one I won't ever know or understand). I find that reassuring somehow.
In other news, this is our last weekend of summer break. This has undoubtedly been the fastest summer of my life! I did get the transfer I had applied for, so I'll be teaching piano this year at our district's performing arts high school. There was quite a bit of drama surrounding my getting this position (having more to do with the person I'm replacing than me) and I'm pretty sure I'll have no keyboards for a while... but such is life with my district! I'm hoping and praying that this will be my last year of full-time teaching. Since my EDD is April 12, I hope I'll be able to work as close as possible to that date and then never return. Next year, I'll continue teaching after-school lessons and the other little music jobs I have have. It'll be a bit tight financially, but I think we'll be okay. We have no debt besides our mortgage, so we can get by with a smaller income. We're going to take advantage of our last year with two full incomes and save like crazy...
Well, off to light a fire under Al's butt! He's been working on re-tiling the upstairs bathroom, but it just has to get done today and tomorrow since we go back on Monday. I'm so paranoid about the chemicals/fumes, so I haven't been able to help as much as I normally would.