Chasing a dream

91 posts / 0 new
Last post
Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264
Chasing a dream

Wow, I'm actually doing this. I've scouted other journals for a while but didn't think it would be for me. We're stuck here in the never-ending TTC land so this will undoubtedly be boring. But at least I will have a place to get things off my chest, etc.

So I'm Ruth (30) and DH is Al (28 ). We've been married for nearly 5 years (well, okay, it'll be five years in four more months) and loved every minute of it - even the fights. I mean, I don't love fighting, but I'd rather be with him than without, you know?

I remember being terrified of getting pregnant on our honeymoon - we're the old-fashioned type and waited until we got married to DTD. I just knew that we'd get pregnant on our first try. Between his parents and mine, there were 5 unplanned pregnancies, so we come from a very fertile bunch. So we took our preventing efforts seriously, what a waste of time and money! To add insult to injury, I didn't tolerate any form of BC that we tried. I stumbled across charting to prevent a few years ago and loved it. My cycles are always short and very regular so it was easy to track my fertile time and avoid. I even stopped temping because my body was so predictable.

Anyway, fast-forward to May 06. I was just finishing up with grad school and Al has been ready to have kids for a while. I was about to turn 30 and realized that we'd better not wait any longer. We had a little party the day I graduated and I found EWCM that evening. Al was like, let's go and take advantage of it and I freaked out. I just wasn't ready. The next day I realized that I had just been overwhelmed by the emotions of graduating, etc., and that I was really ready after all. I still had the EWCM so we "took advantage" of it. Wink After it was over, Al said, "Go forth and conquer, boys" and we both thought that we had just become parents.

Right. I took my very first HPT on my birthday, May 19. Big mistake. Not pregnant. Of course, my good friend e-mailed me that day and had just gotten pregnant on their first try. I was devastated and surprised. But we moved on and thought that maybe just one session of BD-ing wasn't enough. Smile

I resumed the temping and not being so lazy about charting and it's just been endless cycle after cycle with nothing. I know this is crazy, but I was ready to find out what was wrong with us after that very first BFN. We finally did get to an RE in December and had all sorts of tests... all the bloodwork (normal); SA (excellent); HSG (right tube seemed a little 'sluggish' but the dye did go through); u/s (ovaries and uterus look good). The RE wants to move on to a cycle of clomid/IUI so I guess that is our next step. Al initially wanted to wait a few more cycles to see if it can still happen naturally, but he took this last BFN pretty hard for the first time. He was convinced that I was pregnant (I'm still not entirely sure why, because I haven't thought I was pregnant more than one or two cycles). So now he's ready for this to happen.

So it's officially been almost nine months of trying (but we're on cycle #12 - crazy!). It's been a little hard entering the month of what would have been my first due date. I've been lurking on their board occasionally and wonder how things would be if we had really gotten pregnant the first time. I guess we never know what would have happened...

I was so ready for the clomid/IUI but now I'm having second thoughts. I need to work them out before we do this because it is expensive. In the back of my mind, I think that the reason we're not pregnant is because I'm out of shape and I don't have the healthiest diet. I know that few people who look at me would think that I needed to lose weight, but I always feel a little "off" when I'm not fit. I haven't exercised regularly since last summer and things are really stressful at work (I'm a teacher). Plus I work entirely too much. Would anyone believe I receive a paycheck from four different institutions? Granted, only one is full-time and one of them is for about 2 hours of work per week but still... no wonder I have a cold for the second time in three months!

I just want to be healthy and fit before trying the IUI. I don't want to start off a pregnancy unhealthy, and I'm really hoping that getting more exercise and reducing work stress might be all that is needed to get pregnant.

OK, final thought. Isn't it crazy how you can not have any baby fever whatsoever and then wake up and hardly be able to think about anything else?! What a strange world TTC is!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So it's Monday and I'm pretty sure I O'd on Saturday. One reason I think maybe we haven't been successful yet is that I don't produce a whole lot of EWCM. Back when we first started, I got two good days of it, but maybe with stress and everything it seems I only have a few hours' worth now. I've been working hard the last several cycles taking Robitussin, evening primrose oil, tried Vitex but it didn't agree with me, drinking tons and tons of green tea. When I started coming down with a cold on Friday I upped my Robi dose, but I had to judge a piano competition on Saturday and broke down and took a decongestant. I just didn't think it would be fair to the competitors if I was coughing and sneezing and sniffling all over the place. Sigh. So I may have blown it this cycle, drying myself up. I should have told all the piano students that they have no idea what kind of sacrifice I made just for them to play in peace and quiet. Lol

During the 2ww, I always wonder what's happening in my body. I wonder if the little swimmers are crowded around the egg and can't just find a way in. Or if they never made it past the cervix. Or if the egg fertilizes and just doesn't implant for some reason. I wish I knew what was going on inside. There have been a few cycles that I have really felt different during the 2ww, but mostly I just feel normal.

I can't imagine how awful a miscarriage must feel, but sometimes I think maybe one miscarriage might be preferred to 11 BFNs. At least with a m/c you know you can get pregnant. Right now I'm batting 0. I don't know, a miscarriage just seems almost unbearable. Maybe all the "not a chance, AF isn't even a day late" negatives aren't so bad... I guess.

Oh well. Must get some rest so I can face the kiddies tomorrow. It's been snowing all evening and it's so pretty. Keeping my fingers crossed for a snow day, even though its highly unlikely. One can dream... Smile

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I finally started to feel a little bit better this afternoon. This cold wasn't nearly as bad as the one just before winter break.

So nothing new to report (I just knew this was going to be endlessly boring). I'm really early in the 2ww and I try really hard not to obsess over symptoms anyway - although I always do, so I should just admit it and obsess openly. Lol

Well, Al and my cat are snuggled and slumbering and I think *yawning* that I'll join them.

Good night! I'll be back to obsess soon...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I had a great talk with my mom tonight. It's amazing that she is so sympathetic and supportive with this whole TTC business. I mean, she married my dad really young (she was 17) and had my sister and my brother before she was 20 - both 'accidents.' Then they found a form of birth control that actually worked for them and waited a long while to have me (10 years). But she got pregnant with me the first month off BC.

So I really hesitated to tell her about our TTC issues because she is really very ignorant about what is actually involved in becoming pregnant (she never had to try, after all). She did start off by telling me all the things we don't want to hear... just relax... it will happen if we don't try so hard... :shootself: But I just slowly explained things that I've learned about what's involved with conception, etc. Since then, she's been great. She even told me a while back that she felt so awkward because they never had problems TTC and she can't really relate but that she hurts for me. I just wish everyone could be so sympathetic!

But I digress... back to our great talk tonight. I told her about my latest bloodwork (everything's normal) and that I was having some second thoughts about the clomid/IUI next cycle. She didn't think that there was anything morally/ethically wrong with doing the IUI. I just feel better about going forward with it after talking to her.

So I need to talk to Al about this (but he is definitely an agreeable sort about these things Smile ) but I'm thinking about waiting until the end of May to do our first IUI cycle. Since I'm a teacher, this will be the end of the school year and I'll have the entire summer to really focus on TTC. Also, if I conceived right away, my EDD would be the end of February, which would be great, too. Waiting until May would also give me time to get healthy and fit.

I would be THRILLED (to say the least) if I got pregnant naturally before then, but it feels good to have a plan. I love plans. Biggrin

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but my RE said that when I do the clomid/IUI that they will monitor me with u/s to make sure that the right ovary is NOT the dominant one. This is because I have an increased risk for an ectopic since the right tube didn't behave as well as it should have during the HSG.

So yesterday I started freaking out when the thought of an ectopic popped into my head. Doesn't that increased risk apply ANY time I O from the right side? I wanted to run out and get an u/s right then and there to see what's going on. But then the reality of 'why should I be pregnant now when we've had so many cycles with no luck' set in. But I realized that if I ever do get a BFP I will be VERY VERY concerned about it being ectopic until the u/s shows otherwise.

Anyway, all this makes me want to start the clomid/IUI immediately. None of this waiting crap anymore. AF should show up next Saturday and I will fill the script for clomid that same day!

It's really exciting to think about the prospect of it now. I feel like with the combined clomid/IUI I have a real shot at getting pregnant... finally!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms....

Every cycle I tell myself not to get my hopes up too high. Just be pleasantly surprised if I get a BFP. And yet, every cycle I find myself so excited to wake up and see what my temp is and then every little thing that happens to me instantly becomes a 'hmmmmm it's a sign!'

I can't stand it! Yesterday I was lurking one of the birth boards and they had a symptoms sticky. Since this was an older board, there were some who listed some really long symptoms, convincing symptoms but their ticker shows that they're on a new cycle. It was a decent wake-up call. And yet, I can't help but feel little things that seem a little different.

And this happens EVERY cycle.


So here are my 'symptoms' for this cycle:

My temp was higher this morning than it's been ever before at 6DPO. (of course, a few cycles ago I had my highest ever recorded temp - twice, no less - and look where we are now)

Weird feelings in the abdominal region. At times it feels a little tight or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Today I found more CM on my underwear than I ever have during a 2ww. In fact, I would think I was getting ready to O if my temps weren't high.

Tiredness doesn't count because that's a state of being. Nor does sore boobs because they've been getting really sore the last few days before AF for a while now.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Tonight we went out to eat and watched a production of a family with two young children. It was insanity and I have no doubt the parents ate all of their food cold.

For the first time in a while, I appreciated being childless. There are perks, you know. Sleeping in with Al on the weekends, the freedom to go wherever, whenever we want. I get to leave all of the behavior issues and whining children at school and have peace and quiet at home.

But I want my own child. I want to see the combination of Al's genes with mine. I want to watch Al be a father. I want to hear someone call "Mommy" and be calling for me. I want to bring another human being into our family. I hope I get the chance.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

One more week and then I can fill my clomid prescription and start getting ready for the IUI. I exercised tonight for the first time in a long while and it felt great. Why I don't do it all the time is beyond me...

Today has been just about perfect. We had a rehearsal this morning so I got some decent practice in. Then we did some grocery shopping and came home and vegged out on our bed for a couple of hours. Did some laundry and other household-y chores and exercised and got a little more practice in. Now we're back in bed and going to watch a DVD and snuggle all night. I can't really think of what could have made this day better, except maybe if it was warmer outside we could have gone for a hike.

I've been feeling some indigestion and some weird feelings at the top of my pubic bone, but nothing totally shocking or different with my imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

My chart is so weird this cycle. It looks like a Charlie Brown shirt zig-zag. It can't possibly be a pregnancy chart. But a really nice girl in TTC 1st time mentioned that it is definitely different from my previous charts and that since none of them resulted in pregnancy, what I need is something different. Bless her.

Keep hope alive! Biggrin

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So today my DH had a brass band concert (he plays tenor horn for them). He was the soloist for "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and before it started, the conductor asked for Mrs. Al --- to stand up. Everyone turned around and looked at me. :oops: So the conductor said that Al would like to dedicate his performance to me as an early Valentine's gift.

So sweet, I know.

But then at intermission, he told me that it wasn't his idea at all - in fact, he didn't even know about it! Lol The conductor was just trying to get some kind of reaction from the audience. Too funny. Still sweet, though.

I did get to see a good friend who is also TTC. It's nice to have real-life conversations about this every once in a while. I really feel for her. She's going to be 40 in April. She and her husband got married 1.5 years ago, but they were together for more than 7 years. I think they decided not to use any BC when they got married (they're the old-fashioned types, too) but haven't had any success yet. Because of her age, she's really itching to get pregnant and wants to start clomid.

The trouble is her husband, although he wants kids, doesn't want to get an SA because he doesn't think he needs it. WTC? She made an appointment with an RE and was hoping he would come. He didn't, so she said she went alone and ended up bawling. She waited SOOOO long to marry him and now she may never be able to have kids. I'm so sad for her. So she's going to do the HSG and all the same tests I've done and keep hoping that her husband will do the SA.

Here's the worst part about her husband: he works in the SAME building where he would need to give his sample. She's tried everything - offered to bring it in for him, etc. I just don't get it. He could do it at any time.

Anyway, I'm 8 DPO and feeling pretty normal. My boobs did start to hurt tonight, but that's not unusual for a few days before AF (it's due Saturday). I also feel a little bloated, which is unusual. I'm ready for bed now, and it's only 10pm. Not that unusual, either. Oh, well.

I decided to break my cardinal rule and test early. I doubt we caught the egg, but since Valentine's Day is Wednesday and I'll be 11DPO, there's a slight chance it might show a + and that would be a fun surprise. I'm hoping that seeing yet one more BFN won't ruin the day. We'll see...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264


When I was a child, I had night terrors. My parents didn't tell me about this until I was an adult, but night terrors are NOT nightmares. Apparently, there is still much to learn about night terrors, but it must be just awful for a parent to experience. I pray my own children won't have them. Night terrors are only experienced during certain ages of childhood. Your child "wakes" up screaming, unable to be consoled or comforted or waked. They might have their eyes open, even, but they are not awake. It can last for 30 minutes or longer. My older brother and sister didn't have them, so my parents really freaked out when I started "waking' in the middle of the night and screaming bloody murder and wouldn't/couldn't stop. They took me to my pediatrician and that was the diagnosis. The worst part is that there is absolutely nothing a parent can do. You can't wake a child having night terrors, but they seem awake which must be really creepy. My parents said they just took me to the bathroom and would hold me until the terrors went away. I have absolutely no recollection of any of this.

What I do recall and still experience, are terrible nightmares. I rarely remember my dreams, and the ones I do remember are rarely pleasant. I don't know why this happens, but probably once a month I will have extremely vivid nightmares. I remember a recurring one from my childhood (which may or may not have been a night terror episode) that involved a fire. I still have one image of that dream.

The problem is that they're so realistic, and they're not these crazy dreams where people grow 15 legs or something impossible. No, my nightmares *could* happen. Since I've been married, many of these have involved my husband and he is usually not a nice person in these dreams. Sometimes in the dream he'll change into a really mean person, or he'll cheat on me, or he'll die. It takes me a while to separate reality from the dream, especially early in the morning, so there were a few instances where I was mad at him for what he had done in my dream. Now that he's used to this, he continues to be his wonderful self and has found a way to deal with it. He holds me, reassures me that it was just a dream and that the "bad Al" in my dream doesn't exist.

When I was growing up (even in high school), I would wake from these dreams and go knock on my parents' door - unfortunately for the people around me, these particular dreams don't conveniently end in the morning. Smile My dad was always great about getting up and sitting next to me on the couch and talking to me in this slow, sleepy voice. I always felt better after talking to him for a few minutes and could go back to sleep.

I think that's the worst part about these weird dreams. After a really bad one, they make me afraid to go back to sleep.

So I just woke up about 20 minutes ago and had a terrible dream that my dad died. It was just awful. The jist is that I dreamt Al and I were sitting in an airport lounge and my sister and mother walked in to find us (see how these are perfectly normal, realistic dreams?). They told me that my father had had some terrible brain issue and that he didn't make it. It was just awful, and it felt so real. When I woke up, part of me struggled to remember what is real in my life right now. Is my father really dead? No. But I'm certainly going to call him today!

So I guess I have some kind of sleep disorder, but thankfully I never have trouble sleeping. Just sometimes, I don't want to. Another thing I'm thankful for is that (to the best of my knowledge) none of my nightmares has ever come true.

I think need to put this behind me and start a new post. Biggrin

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

OK. This is better. No more nightmares.

On the TTC front, I did take a test on Valentine's Day. Negative, of course, but that's what I was expecting so I was only mildly disappointed. Just the general mild disappointment that I walk around with every day about not being able to get pregnant.

Today is AF day. She'll be here anytime with her bags. My temp fell yesterday and today and I can feel her coming, right on time. I guess this afternoon I'll fill the script for clomid.

I had two really wonderful conversations last night. The first was with a woman at our church. She had tried for years to get pregnant and did 5 rounds of IUI. They were in the process of moving on to IVF and she had been really concerned about getting into a particular group before her insurance stopped... I didn't get many of the details because she had to give me an abridged version. I hope to get the whole story sometime in the next few weeks.

[Disclaimer: I am religious so if you are offended by religious things, you should stop reading now.]

Anyway, she had been so wrapped up in the timing of the IVF and realized that she was trusting medicine and science more than God and that her heart was not where it needed to be. So she dealt with her 'heart issue,' but then found out that the 5th round of IUI had worked after all. The interesting thing is that they had two more children after this and had no trouble conceiving them.

One thing that she stressed to me (and this is good for me to ponder) was that we don't know what God's plans are for us. It may be to have biological children, it may be to adopt, it may be to just love the ones he puts in front of us. It's so true. I've been so wrapped up in trying to make my own plans happen that I've failed to seek after what God's plans are. Since I do strive (and regularly fail) to do what I think God wants me to do, I'm a little ashamed to admit that I haven't really cared up to this point whether or not He wanted me to have children, because *I* want them so much.

So I'm going to work on that attitude.

She also mentioned (and I feel guilty about this, too) that we should both try to be as healthy as possible, that if nothing else, it can't hurt. Al and I have been just terrible about exercise lately (and by 'lately', I mean almost a year now). He even ran a marathon two years ago, and look at us. Pigs. I weigh 10 pounds more than I should, but I've also lost a lot of muscle so I've replaced my muscle with more fat than the muscle I had, because fat weighs less than muscle (I know that was a really weird and confusing sentence but I don't feel like changing it). Basically, I could do a LOT better to eat healthier and get back in shape. I know 10 pounds isn't that big a deal in the long run, but it could be the difference (for us) in getting pregnant. I know I've mentioned this before. It's a recurring theme for us...

Anyway, the second conversation was with a good friend. I had had a nightmare (but not one of those awful ones) a few weeks ago that she had gotten pregnant and was mad at me. I should have prefaced this by saying that she and her DH recently got off the pill and switched to charting to prevent, largely because I had mentioned when we told them that we were TTC and that I was charting and had done so to prevent. I had been so convincing that charting was a great form of BC, but since we've had so much trouble conceiving I've had fresh doubts that it's really so easy to prevent by charting after all.

Last night, I told her about my dream and said that maybe charting just worked well for us because we already had issues TTC. She got excited and wondered if maybe it was a sign that they were going to get pregnant soon. Turns out they are going to be trying in a few months. They just added maternity insurance but it won't kick in fully until Jan. 08, so if they had a baby before then, they would have to pay $2k extra. Since it only means waiting 2 months to TTC, it's definitely worth the savings.

So she got all excited about the possibility of being pregnant at the same time and having kids similar in age, etc. It's taken us so long and even though I'm hopeful about the clomid/IUI, it's hard to get my hopes up about being pregnant at the same time as someone else. It's hard sometimes to just get my hopes up about getting pregnant (especially when I'm feeling the AF cramps coming).

I have to say, though, that I was truly genuinely excited about them TTC. They're going to be wonderful parents! And I really really hope that it happens for them the first time they TTC. I can't say this with certainty, but I don't think I'll feel even a twinge of jealousy if it happens to them before us. I guess I've gotten to the point where I wouldn't wish this awful process on anyone, especially a good friend. I don't want anyone to be on this emotional roller coaster of being unable to get pregnant cycle after cycle.

Well, I can't believe it's almost 8:30am and we have a rehearsal at 9am and poor Al is still sleeping right next to me. He's not going to be very happy that we need to leave in 10 minutes and we're both still in bed.

Next time, I'm going to discuss my feelings about clomid now that I'm going to start taking it in 2 days...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Al and I had a good talk on the way home about the F U T U R E. :? We hate these talks and try to keep these life-changing decision discussion times to 5 minutes or less. Lol

Wow, I just noticed that it looks like a blizzard outside. So nice to be in bed on a Saturday morning with no firm plans when all I see is white!

Anywho, Al and I are often made out of the same stuff, so we can easily flip-flop between discussing future planning for hours with no plans in the end, or spend very few minutes and lay out a reasonable plan for the next ten years. Seriously, I think our decision to stay in the St. Louis area after grad school and buy a house was decided in about 10 minutes. Biggrin

So we were on the way home from our friends' place last night and it's after midnight; we're both tired. What better time to plan the future? Lol

Question: what are we going to do if clomid/IUI doesn't work? How many times will we try it? What's next after that?

Al's suggestion: let's try a few cycles and if it doesn't work, we'll go back to natural cycles and train for a marathon (he seriously said 'train for a marathon' while discussing TTC and was completely and totally serious! Gotta love my husband).

We did discuss the possibility of adoption and agreed that while we are both interested in this, we would like to have bio children first (our thinking is that we will have a greater chance of convincing an adopted child that they are wanted if we already had some bio children and THEN chose to adopt. We are probably wrong, as we often are, especially when we have no experience in the area.).

So we decided we'll try a few rounds of clomid/IUI and hope for the best. If nothing, then we'll go back to trying naturally and just see what God has in store for us. Since we're basically in the camp of unexplained infertility, we feel fine about this plan. I know it seems silly to start treatment and then stop, but we don't feel comfortable or rich enough to do IVF and we're not ready to adopt for said reasons, and I'm not going to subject my body to month after month of clomid (not that the RE will let me anyway) so what else are we going to do? I suppose we could follow the RE's suggestion and do injectables, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that step either.

I think I'm just still in denial that I can't get pregnant on my own. I keep thinking that it could happen any time (except it doesn't). I mean, they really can't find anything wrong, except for the right tube thing but my left tube is wide open and raring to go! And it's not like the right tube was blocked, anyway.

So here are my feelings about clomid: I'm scared. I didn't do well with BCPs and clomid seems like its made out of the same kind of thing that my body doesn't like - hormones. I'm afraid of the s/e. I don't like what I read about what the other nice women around here experience. While hot flashes might just be a welcome change (I'm always cold), I'm not interested in headaches, nausea, moodiness, or anything else. BCPs always gave me stomach troubles and I'm worried about the same thing with the clomid. I have read a few threads about escaping the s/e the first cycle, so I'm cautiously optimistic that might happen for me, too.

The other thing that scares me is how long I'll be impacted by the clomid. I mean, it's taken for just a few days but then you feel its work for a long time afterwards. I wonder just how long it stays in your system. Also, I feel like my body has never been the same after being on BCPs. I was only on them for 4 or 5 months and during that time I gained 10 pounds and lost my sex drive entirely. I haven't yet lost the weight completely (it comes and goes but I've yet to return to my pre-pill size) and my sex drive has never completely returned. I was on the pill 5 years ago!!!!!! I'm sure anyone reading this will be very skeptical that this was the pill's doing, but hey, it's my body and I think whatever I want. Smile

Well, I could spend all day in bed but I should probably at least do some laundry.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Well, the clomid script is filled and waiting for me to start taking tomorrow. I spoke with my RE's nurse yesterday, and had yet another frustrating conversation with her. I have never come across another person more difficult to communicate with. We just don't understand each other AT ALL, and we're both speaking English!

I had a few questions for them: since I've got the right tube issues and they don't want to do IUI with that ovary, should we also avoid intercourse that cycle, as well? I also wanted to try doing 25 mg of clomid first, because I already have a tendency to develop cysts.

So we went around and around without any answers, and then I gave up and asked about follie u/s. She said that I could come in around CD 14 or 15 and I promptly informed her that I would have long since O'd by then because I've never O'd later than CD 13 in my life (and it's usually a little earlier). So she finally agreed to have me come in on CD 11, "because you think you have an earlier ovulation."

Lady, I don't 'think', I KNOW! I've been charting my clockwork cycles for years! I also asked if the clomid might make me O later and she said it might.

Grrr. I'm always really frustrated when I get off the phone with her. I wish my RE had another nurse I could talk to.

I feel moody already and I haven't even started the clomid yet! Biggrin

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I could scream right now. If I wasn't tired and didn't have a cat sleeping in my lap, I just might. I was so worked up about taking clomid in the first place. I've been dreading it all day... and now this.

I don't generally like to just insult people, but this is really unbelievable to me...

So I just took my first ever dose of clomid. Or perhaps I should say that I just took the first TWO doses.

I'm supposed to be taking 50 mg a day from CD 5-9. It says all over the prescription, "Take 2 tablets by mouth every day starting CD 5 through CD 9." So far, so good, right?

So I had been reading the package insert thoroughly and was about to chicken out when I decided to just take the two pills - as instructed - and then finish reading. I took the pills, continued reading. At the end of the notes, it says: "recommended dose: 50 mg daily (1 tablet)...." "Each tablet contains 50 mg of clomiphene..." Says it on the outside of the box, too.

I was arguing to be on 25 mg, and I just took 100 mg for my first dose. :?

Great. I'm so mad at the doctor or the pharmacist, or WHOEVER made this mistake!!!!!

OK, so I hope it's not that big of a deal. I'm definitely going to call my RE tomorrow and find out how to proceed (do I skip tomorrow's dose or just resume with the true 50 mg dose?).

Resisting the urge to go have my stomach pumped.

So who do I sue? Lol

I just don't believe it! How can this happen? I'm such a careful person! Shame on me for following the directions from the RE/pharmacist?? Is that the lesson?


Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Who am I kidding?

I'm totally freaking out right now!!!! I am not a medicine kind of person. Ever, really. I might take an advil for a headache once in a while, but I resist taking any other drugs. I remember going on the pill and sitting for a long time on my couch before taking the first one. I just kept looking at this little thing and was amazed at how this little tiny pill could have such an impact on my body.

I just went to my poor, sweet husband for comfort. He's like me with the whole medicine issue, and had been a little reluctant for me to take clomid. When I came to him so upset, he said this is just confirmation that I'm not ready for this. So unless I have some sort of epiphany tomorrow, we're going to do IUI without the clomid (besides the 100 mg that is already currently in my system).

This is actually a good plan to me. In TCOYF, she says that doctors often prescribe clomid as a 'catch-all' even though it's not really designed to do anything except make non-ovulating women ovulate. Well, I do ovulate. So far, way more than 12 cycles in a row (confirmed by temps). I've never missed a period or had a late one, even. My longest cycle since I was 13 years old was 27 days. From my very first period, I've been as regular as a drunk goes to a bar. Lol As regular as a cat to its nap... as regular as rain to a rainforest... you get the point. Smile

OK, I have several rehearsals in the morning and I REALLY really REALLY need to practice. Time to get my mind off this and hope that I don't die from overdose in my sleep.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

ROFL die from overdose? I guess there's a flair for the dramatic somewhere in me after all. Smile

Well, 24 hours later I have acquired a bit more composure. I spoke with my RE's nurse and she said that my chart says 100mg even though the script said 50mg. She said they often start patients on 100mg so she thought I should stick with it.

I just took my second dose (of 100mg) and have stepped back to reflect on the day.

Side effects: headache, indigestion, very mild nausea, one hot flash that was the single most weird experience of my life!!! (I'm always cold, so being warm suddenly was a great shock)

Here's the interesting thing - they come and go in waves. The headache is dull, moves around to different parts of my head and comes and goes very quickly. The heartburn has been fairly constant but tolerable. The nausea was brief and may have been related to needing some food!

I just hope it doesn't get worse and I sincerely hope it doesn't affect my mood. I already feel a little wigged out that I'm not 100%, you know?

So I guess I'm on CD 6 and I'll be going in for the follie scan on Tuesday. We'll probably start the BD action tomorrow or Saturday - getting geared up for the marathon! Wink

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So I only have two more doses and today I have felt absolutely fine. Actually, I'm in a great mood! I feel more hope that we might just conceive this cycle, or soon.

But I am disturbed that I feel some O pains on my right side. Bad side to be feeling anything, and too early. So now I'm a little worried that I might O tomorrow, on my last dose. I really hope not, but I do O on CD 9 a few times a year. Sad

I just think this cycle is going to be very difficult for me to interpret. My temps have been funky (but more about that in a minute) and I've been feeling wet downstairs. Ordinarily I would say that I am gearing up to O in the next day or so, but maybe this is just what it's like on clomid??? :? I wonder if the clomid will make me O later, since it's supposed to regulate the cycle. I also wonder if I'll have a longer LP, but I'll worry about that once I get finished O-ing!!

So I finally bought a BBT thermometer. I know, I know, I've been temping since 2002 (with a lengthy hiatus) but I should have not used a digital that entire time. I just thought that it was fine since I always see a clear shift after O-ing. But just a few minutes ago, I decided to test both therms to see how they compared.

Digital: 97.7
BBT: 98.02

I know I'll drop the hundredth, but .3 of a degree is a pretty big difference when we're looking at subtleties. Yikes! Now I feel bad that we're going to be spending all this $$ on fertility treatments when our timing just might have been off. I don't think so, though. My LP is always 13 days and the digital has always clearly shown that. We'll see. I think we need to try to work up the energy to BD one more time, on the day of the temp rise. I know it sounds awful, but in 12 cycles we haven't ONCE BD'd on O day. It probably hasn't made a difference, but our RE told us we needed to and we will this cycle, darn it! Lol

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So yesterday was a big day. I went in for the follie scan in the morning and even though I was obviously hoping the left ovary was going to be dominant, I was more concerned about the clomid screwing my body up. Because of that concern, I think I wasn't as disappointed as I probably would have been to find that the right ovary is currently winning the race at 16mm. The left ovary's best follie is at 11mm. So the technician reassured me that it was possible for me to get pregnant still with just intercourse (right) and I thought that was the end of the story.

Well, the RE's nurse called with the results and I was stunned to hear that they still want to do the IUI. When I questioned her about the ovary dominance issues, she said that things can change quickly with these follies and they can grow at different rates, etc., etc.

It still feels like contradictory information to me, but I'm not a doctor. I kept asking her questions for clarification until she was annoyed with me and then I just decided to let it go. I have to trust them at some point and know that they - hopefully - have a better picture of what is going on than I do. I mean, this is their job.

Then Amanda (God bless Amanda!) from the TTC 1st time board said that with clomid it is very likely to have multiple ovulations and that is probably what they are counting on. She's had 2 IUIs so far, so she's learned a lot about the process. Her doctor also told her they are looking for a total follie size count of at least 32 to increase the odds of conception.

Another girl said that either fallopian tube can pick up a released egg but when I looked again at TCOYF, it doesn't really seem possible.

Anyway, so I'm twiddling my thumbs and anxiously waiting for the LH surge. My guess is that I'll O tomorrow or Friday. I just hope I get the + OPK BEFORE I O and not AFTER like last cycle.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Well, I'm pretty sure I actually O'd Saturday (yesterday) rather than Friday. But I went in and had the IUI on Friday morning. I got the + OPK this morning, just like the last three cycles. Why bother with OPKs if they do the same thing temps do - show the morning AFTER ovulation!?! :?

The IUI was fine, not really painful at all. I think I have been hurting increasingly more from ovulation pains, etc. My right ovary has been really really uncomfortable, and I felt some twinges in my left ovary this morning also. If I really did O yesterday, I don't really understand why I would still feel all these pains (and they seem to be getting worse). But my temp went WAY up this morning and there's almost no doubt.

Let the waiting begin! One last BD for good measure and then the march towards the end of two weeks is onward.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I'm SO tired! Too early to be a 'sign' but I'm tired, nonetheless. Al is watching '24' and practicing trumpet upstairs, so I think I'll stay down here for a few more minutes. I really need to do some dishes and run the dishwasher, but I can't get myself off this chair. Smile

We went out to eat tonight and had a lively conversation without any TTC talk. I was proud of myself and yet horrified to think about how much this is taking over my life. It kind of depends on the setting, I guess. When I'm teaching or doing music-related things, I don't think about TTC at all. But then when I have some down time, it always comes up in my mind. I guess I'm just compartmentalizing.

I'm still troubled by the positive OPK that I got yesterday morning. If I relied solely on OPKs, I would think that I'm gearing up to ovulate or that it was happening today. My body tells me that it has already happened; the chemistry says no way. I don't know what to do! If these were normal circumstances, I would just say let's BD until a few days after the OPK surge. But since we're trying to time the IUI just right, it makes the timing crucial.

Oh, I can't think about this anymore tonight. :yawn: I just can't stop yawning!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Not too much to report. I'm 6 DPO, just waiting... I think the first part of the 2ww is much easier than the days leading up to ovulation.

I decided at the last minute to take the day off to practice the Brahms. The concert is on Sunday and I just need a lot more practice time! I've been alternating between the piano and the internet, making this one perfect day! I leave in about 30 minutes to have lunch with Al and then I'll head to the church to test out the two pianos and decide which one I'm voting for. Since I'm technically playing the 'primo' part, I guess I could be mean about it and insist on whichever one I want. But if Annette feels really strongly about one piano, I'll probably let her have it. I'm that nice. Lol

I'll either be pregnant or going through AF during spring break. We're going up to Chi-town and IKEA!! I hope I get to buy some baby stuff, but I won't buy anything baby-related until I get a BFP.

I've decided to test next Friday, at 13 DPO, if my temps stay up. I might cave and test Thursday, but it'll just depend on how I feel/temps. I'm pretty sure I'll have to buy a HPT first, so maybe I'll be smart and wait until Thursday afternoon to buy the test. Maybe. Wink

I go in tomorrow to get my progesterone checked. I keep forgetting and then remembering... I should write it down.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Wishful thinking that yesterday was 6 dpo, when I am 6 dpo TODAY!!

I had my progesterone checked this morning. I know they normally check at 7-8 dpo, so I was all prepared to justify a low number by saying that I just O'd 6 days ago. Turns out that wasn't necessary! When the nurse called this afternoon, she said my progesterone was over 20 and that is very good!

I asked her if this was any indication of pregnancy, and she said that progesterone levels only show ovulation... but she did also say that there is a 'good possibility' that I could be pregnant. We just have to hope that the sperm found some egg(s) and that they're able to implant!!!

The bad news is that I have a sore throat. It showed up last night and has been bothering me all day today. I've been drowning myself in liquids, but I just hope I can either get rid of it or hold it off until after my performance Sunday... yuck!!!!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So during the week, Al has to leave for school by 6:40am. I leave for school around 8:30am. Clearly, I do not need to wake up for almost another hour after Al LEAVES, but out of the kindness of my heart, I nearly always get up at 6am. I take my temp, make oatmeal and lunch for both of us and then dawdle around until it's time for me to go.

This weekend was such a big one with the Brahms yesterday and we're both just very stressed out from teaching and REALLY need a break from the kids (this is the last week before spring break - yay!!! :blob3:). So when I finished temping this morning, I decided to roll over for just one more minute.... and Al was still there, 'wanting to cuddle.' Smile And of course we both promptly fell asleep again.... until 6:45am. Not a great start to the week. Panic ensued.

Our bedroom is on the second floor, so I decided to pee in the downstairs bathroom to stay out of Al's way. Sorry... TMI alert... I was SO gassy! I kept thinking, 'WHAT on earth did I eat yesterday?' and couldn't really thinking of anything out of the ordinary. I did have fajitas for dinner, but have never had that kind of reaction before. Al gets downstairs about 5 minutes later and immediately turns on the fan in the bathroom. :oops: Pretty gross.

To make matters worse, my temp plunged today. I'm only 9 DPO! Implantation dip my butt! I've been on THAT rollercoaster before and it didn't let me off at the BFP stop.

And I'm still fighting this wannabe cold.

On top of it all, I have a few students coming to my house for piano lessons after school today, so I have to clean it. Should have this weekend but we were either bums or busy. Biggrin

Boy, I hope this isn't just the beginning of a bad week! Surely not, though. The week before spring break is just the best! End in sight. Biggrin :D Biggrin

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I'm so tired. Long weekend, I guess. I just don't feel like doing anything. Thankfully I don't have a class until 1pm. Should work on some lesson plans, but I can barely type right now. Getting the materials for the lesson planning and *thinking* would be way too much right now!

OK, so I admit. I suspect an implantation dip this morning. And I wonder if there are 'other reasons' why I'm so tired. But I play this game with myself every other 2ww and it gets me nowhere.

One of the women in our choir has a 3-month old, and he's just adorable. For the concert yesterday - concert dress is tuxes for men, long black dresses for women - she had found a little 3-mo. old tux! Biggrin It was too cute.

Maybe I'm weird, but I almost never ask to hold someone's baby unless they offer. I just never want to make someone feel uncomfortable... so anyway, even though I've seen this baby lots of times, the mother offered for me to hold him yesterday. YES, of course I'd love to! Biggrin So I got to hold the tuxedo'd baby, and he just looked at me the entire time like, 'who are you? You're not my mother.' But he was just adorable. I can't wait to have our own!!!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I feel so discouraged right now. I think I've been counting on the clomid/IUI to work, and this morning I had to face the unbearable truth that it may not have.

All these little 'symptoms' of sore boobs, etc., have been slowly going away... it was definitely the clomid all along, not early signs of pregnancy. My temps are slightly unreliable right now, because I have a head cold and have been mouth-breathing for the past two nights. I felt like I was going to suffocate when I tried to temp this morning! :shock:

The one unusual thing I have been feeling is my right side, near the ovary. Every day I feel some kind of twinge or little pain there. I keep debating about calling the nurse, but I feel weird calling. What am I going to say? "Sorry to bother you guys, but I've been feeling my right ovary. Just wanted to let you know so you can finalize your judgment of me as a hypochondriac." Right.

I think part of it is that even though the clomid was bearable, I really don't want to experience again the strong ovulatory pains, and I especially don't want to stress about timing the IUI again.

What a blah mood I'm in. Maybe it's a late s/e from the clomid. Lol

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I talked to a dear friend last night who has been my friend since high school. We've been friends for over 15 years and we've been through EVERYTHING together. Unfortunately, we haven't seen each other since his wedding last May and he's in med school now so we've only talked a few times. We were lamenting our distance apart, and I didn't realize until after we got off the phone that I really do miss him!

Anyway, since he's in med school, I decided to finally tell him that we've been TTC and are now getting some help. I also told him that I'd bet him $10 that I know more about the reproductive system than he does. Lol

Of course, he started quizzing me: "so you know about FSH?"

"You mean, the 'Follicle Stimulating Hormone'? The test that is slightly controversial that measures the life expectancy of your eggs and is usually tested on CD 2 or 3? That one?" Lol

He asked me how I was handling this whole idea of children being a blessing from God and the fact that we haven't been 'blessed' yet. I told him that I really do hope that God blesses us with children, but that He's the one calling the shots and I may never know why He does what He does. Adoption is a possibility, too... and that it's much easier said than done - feeling peace about all this is really hard sometimes.

The thing is, I already have so much - a wonderful husband, a house, a good family, jobs, food on the table, so much more. I feel like a spoiled brat whining about not being able to have children. Does this mean God loves me less? No. But it's still hard to believe sometimes.

Man, this must be PMS. I hate feeling this way. Yuck!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I just need to share about how wonderful my husband is. This is his third year teaching band in an inner-city school district. The district is terrible, top-heavy and very unorganized.

When he first started teaching here, he had to start the band program from scratch. No one could play anything. But he taught them to play! They went to a competition in the spring (it's held every spring and not every school goes - only if they're ready) and they were rated a 2 out of 5. Pretty good considering they'd never been before...

The second year, his program was even better. They went to the same competition and earned a 1 out of 5! The improvement from the first year to the second was just incredible. He's so great with these kids.

Then the turbulent district made some big changes and Al got transferred to another school this year. He wasn't happy, especially when he found out that the situation was exactly the same as his first year. No one could play at all, and to make matters worse, they had no instruments.

It's a long story, but they were almost 8 weeks into the school year before he finally got some instruments. Then he started teaching them how to play. He didn't think it'd be possible for them to go to this competition because of the late start.

But they did go, and Al said yesterday that he was really hoping for a 2 out of 5.

The competition was today. They got a 1!!!! Yahoo

I wish everyone could see how wonderful Al is. I love his approach to teaching and to classroom management. He is always gentle; he never screams. He is very patient, and he has done an AMAZING job with these kids.

We're both really really hoping he can get into a better district next year. I know I'll feel better about him being in a safer environment, and he deserves to teach students who can play. He could take them to such high levels.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I'm feeling cautiously hopeful this morning. My temp went back up (:yahoo:), and I feel absolutely exhausted for no reason. I fell asleep last night before 10pm!! I can't remember the last time that happened. I woke up around 1am and thought it was 5am. Lol I was really happy to be able to breathe through my nose and hope my temp stays high tomorrow.

Tomorrow is test day. AF should arrive Saturday, so if there's going to be a positive, it would most likely show up tomorrow. I'm so nervous. BFNs are unbearable, and yet I'm just so darn curious about what the answer is! I hate all this waiting. I guess learning piano didn't teach me enough delayed gratification. Biggrin

Today, alas, is Thursday. I loathe and despise Thursdays. I go to another school and the kids there are so out of control. I also have to travel from classroom to classroom with nothing but a CD player. Hardly an ideal music teaching situation... Sad :( Sad I, too, cannot wait to get out of this district. There are moments when I feel that working at Starbucks would be a nicer alternative.

Oh, well. Hopefully the day will pass quickly.

Fingers crossed for a high temp tomorrow!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Sometimes I wonder if God just doesn't want us to have children. It's so hard to conform my will to His, especially in this area. But I have to, because I don't want to spend my entire life fighting Him.

Tonight I started feeling some AF cramps. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Of course, I'm also surrounded by pregnancy announcements. Yesterday, I opened an e-mail from a friend who was posting some pics from her son's first birthday. And surprise, surprise... she's due again in October. Tonight, at our choir rehearsal, not one but two ladies announced the pregnancy of their daughter/sister. To make it so much worse, the sister is 40 and had been trying for a few years to get pregnant and finally just 'gave it to God' and let it go. And He 'gave it back' to her. I hate hearing stuff like that. Plenty of people let go of the idea of being pregnant and it never happens. Does that mean God loves them less, or that they have less faith? I certainly hope not!! We just never hear about them.

I just feel so depressed. This cycle has been such a rollercoaster. Just this morning I was hopeful, now I know my temp will plummet in the morning like it always does the day before AF. Only one cycle in the previous 12 has my temp NOT plunged the day before AF, and it was just the same temp as the previous day.

One thing I've been thinking about is the fact that no matter what my attitude is, my temp will be what it is tomorrow. Does that make sense? Good or bad attitude, I can't control whether or not I'm pregnant. So I can expect it to plummet and see that it does (or be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't) or I can hope it'll stay up and be sorely disappointed (or happy if it does). Either way, I can't affect it at all with my willpower. I guess that's partly why it's so frustrating to hear people say 'just relax and it will happen.' Because it's not true! It's science.

OK, enough moping. It's not over. I'm not done trying yet. Onward to a new cycle.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Well, let's just say I was pleasantly surprised this morning. My temp actually went up! Since it didn't drop, I decided to take a test - and got a +!!!!! It's a little faint, but definitely there. I'll test again in the morning with a digital. But I've been feeling more 'unusual' today so I'm pretty sure this is it. I have never showed Al any of my BFNs and he hasn't spent hours online analyzing other people's HPTs so the poor guy had no idea what he was looking at when I started freaking out. He's decided to reserve his excitement until he sees it on the digital in the morning. Smile

The day before Al proposed, we went to lunch and I was all whiny about when he was going to pop the question. I was about to go home for Christmas and I wanted a ring on my finger, darn it! Lol He said he had the hardest time keeping a straight face when all he wanted to do was say, "TOMORROW - it's happening tomorrow!! Relax!"

Last night, God must have been doing something like that with me. I had a hard time sleeping and was SO sad about the cramping and just thinking that it would never happen and how was I going to deal with being childless. Around 5am, I started thinking about how I needed to just work on conforming my will to God's and learn to be satisfied with what He has given me (or not given me). That it would be very unpleasant but necessary for my own sanity.

That is all still true, by the way, despite getting a BFP today. I do need to learn to rest in what God has for me and not try to control everything and pout like one of my kindergarteners when I don't get my way. SO HARD.

Anyway, I'm still at risk for an ectopic and I still have sticks to pee on and blood to have drawn... I'm not going anywhere yet!!!

But I'll allow myself one little tiny Yahoo

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I'm still a bit dazed, I must admit. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people, after all...

I woke up at 5:59am, impatiently temped (I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop temping after doing it for so long!) and desperately had to pee. I drank a lot of water before bed, so it was a race to get a cup, two tests, stopwatch (yes I'm that anal) and into the bathroom.

After the digital popped up wonderful news, I brought the test up to Al (still sleeping). On a weekday, he would already be up, but he has the gift of sleep and probably won't officially wake up until 10 this morning. Anyway, I told him to wake up and look at this.

He put his glasses on, peered at the digital and handed it back to me. "What is this supposed to mean, there's only one line?"

"It's not a line, silly, READ it!" (must get his eyes checked!)

I handed him a bib that said, "I love my daddy" (I won't even tell you how long ago I bought that - months and months...).

He laughed and said, "Now we only have 8 more months to sleep. Let's spoon." Lol Silly man. As if I could sleep now after finding out I'm going to be a mommy!!

Praise God!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I go in for my first HCG reading today. And I'm going to beg for an u/s of my right ovary. I've been feeling pains there since before I O'd, but they've been getting worse. Yesterday, I was driving and the pain came out of nowhere and radiated out to my hip and down to my upper leg. :shock: Not pleasant at all.

So I'm very concerned that I have either a cyst or an ectopic. Either way, it's not a good thing, because a ruptured cyst could harm the baby and/or cause me to m/c. Obviously an ectopic would be a disaster. Enough said.

I've been fretting and not sleeping well (plus the pain woke me up twice last night), but I just have to trust God. He loves this little guy more than I do; He knows this little one better than I do. I really believe He has a plan for everything, and if His plan is to bring this little one to heaven before I get a chance to meet them, then I need to just trust in God's providence. Sure I can be upset and sad, etc., but it just doesn't do me any good to fight God. There's no winning a fight with God (look at Jonah).

So we'll see. I'm certainly not moving over to the pregnancy boards just yet. That just seems way too presumptuous...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

The first HCG reading was 109. Nice and normal for a singleton. Biggrin

Last night right before bed I felt some really intense cramps. I cramp for very brief periods of time several times a day, but I have a hard time telling sometimes if it's stretching, AF-like cramps or intestinal cramps.

My digestive system is currently freaking out over all these internal changes. I've really changed my diet dramatically for the better (no caffeine whatsoever, no sweets, etc.) but apparently my body preferred the old *mostly* healthy way, because yesterday alone I experienced the entire range of constipation to diarrhea! How someone can be stopped up and then mere hours later get the runs is a mystery to me. :roll:

Anyway, back to last night. I had a very strong burning sensation just above my pubic bone area (bladder region??) right in the middle of my abdomen. I was so afraid this was going to be the end of this little life. It just hurt SOOO much, I couldn't do anything except lie very still and pray that it would stop. Al got into bed right after I laid down and it was agonizing for him to jostle the bed getting comfortable.

I've been noticing a theme to this cramping... it seems to be worse after I exercise. But I've hardly been doing anything hard with the exercise. I only walk and not even that fast and not more than 30 minutes. I don't want to stop doing it because I think it's good for me and I'm hardly pushing myself (I don't even break a sweat!). I guess I'll ask my RE about the cramping.

OK, we're headed to Chi-town this afternoon!!! It'll help make the wait for the next HCG test go by faster...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

5 weeks today. I got my very first BFP ever just over a week ago.

Wow, we spent so much money at IKEA! :shock: I love that store. I was really proud of myself, too, absolutely nothing baby. I figure we have plenty of time and I don't want to have a house full of baby stuff if I miscarry. I know, aren't I all sunshine and rosy cheeks?

My dad is coming tomorrow for business and will be here all week. In light of this new development, we've decided to tell my parents tonight. We were going to tell them the week after Easter when we go down for my mom's 60th birthday, but I think it would be impossible to hide this from my dad for a week and we didn't want to tell him in person and my mom over the phone because she'd be sad to find out alone with us all here. So complicated. Anyway, Al is going to make a video and e-mail it to them then call and tell them to watch while we're on the phone. It's the best we can do under the circumstances.

In the meantime, I get my 2nd beta check tomorrow and will be on pins and needles until the nurse calls in the afternoon. While we were gone, I had a few periods of pretty intense cramping and I figured out that it wasn't triggered by exercise at all. It was just a coincidence. For some bizarre reason, I feel much worse (in general) in the evenings and that's when I had been exercising. While we were traveling, I hopped on the treadmill at the hotel in the morning (two mornings in a row) and felt wonderful afterwards. And yet that evening brought more cramping. I hope it's normal...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

When will the stupid nurse call!?!?!?!?! I'm going crazy!!! And I'm about to teach two classes back to back so if she calls, I'll have to wait an HOUR to find out! Aaarrgghh!

The waiting room was packed this morning and I had to wait almost 30 minutes to get called back for the draw. It's the first time I've ever had to wait - I've always just gone back and get out of there within about 2 minutes. I did go earlier, though, than usual.

And I fell asleep while I was waiting. Lol It was early, we went to bed too late last night, and I'm exhausted! So what better time to take a little siesta?

*drumming fingers*

So this only took about 2 minutes to type. Come on, nurse!!! Call!!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

The worst news... it's funny, I wasn't concerned at all about the first set of numbers. But this time, I was so antsy for the results. Anyway, my number was 274, but it should have been around 800.

So my RE's nurse said it's most likely a chemical pregnancy and there's a less than 1% chance of things turning out normal. Oh, and she's really sorry.

I'm devastated. And it looks like they will have to do a D&C if I don't miscarry myself. Back to square one. Well, not yet back to square one. It will probably be another month before we can TTC again.

But it hurts so much. I wish I hadn't gotten so excited until I knew things were going in the right direction.

I know God's timing is perfect and He has wisdom that I can't even comprehend. I know He loves me and sympathizes with me. He knows what I can and cannot handle. Maybe this child would have been completely deformed, like they say is the cause of most chemical pregnancies (chromosomal abnormalities). If that's the case, better to find out now and get it over with than carry full-term and be devastated then. Oh, I hate this. It's going to take a while.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Is this nightmare over yet?

I'm actually feeling better than I thought I might feel. I'm still really sad, and I'm despising but also dreading the ending of my pregnancy symptoms. I never thought I'd miss sore boobs, cramping, and exhaustion! Smile

I think I feel better for two reasons:
1. I know I can get pregnant.
2. I'm so thankful I found out early on, rather than get further in the pregancy and be faced with horrible news.

I do hate that my dad is in town. We got the bad news about an hour before he arrived, so we were both just numb and probably acting like robots. He kept the conversation going, thankfully, although I wish I could think his recent business trip to Mexico City was as fascinating as he thinks it was. When I told my mom on the phone last night, she was SO sad. I almost wish I hadn't told them, but I think my sadness would have been too hard to hide this week.

I just hope I don't break down and cry when they do the blood draw tomorrow morning. I also hope I don't cry when the nurse calls with the news. It's just awful to have all these hormones and emotions racing through my body and little things just send me over the edge.

Someone told me that with a D&C we'd have to wait 2 months before TTC again!!!! That's terrible. I'm going to concentrate my prayers on a natural m/c.

How dreadful to pray for a m/c. But it would allow us to TTC sooner.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I'm still trying to get my mind around this...

HCG went UP.

From 274 to 691 in two days.

RE says it's "reassuring." (whatever that means).

Nurse says it's VERY rare. But she's seen it happen before and she's seen it lead to both healthy baby AND m/c. (read: you're not out of the woods yet, lady, so don't go buying baby clothes)

I go in Monday morning for yet another blood draw and (finally) an u/s!!!

I don't have much hope, but it's higher than the 1% I was given two days ago.

What a roller coaster. Need I say more??

I'm too tired to even think straight. More later.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Well, I'm already nervous about the bloodwork and u/s on Monday. I have no idea what to expect. I expected my HCG to be way down on Wednesday and it had shot up.

I feel exactly the same. Absolutely no spotting. I have only very slight twinges of cramping, etc., maybe twice a day. But that's probably to be expected as I near the 6 week mark.

I just wonder if there is a living baby inside me. Is it okay? Why didn't my numbers rise like they should? Am I going to miscarry anyway after all this? I hate not being able to get excited about being pregnant because I have no idea how long it will last and if things will turn out well.

I wish I had answers... then I could deal, you know? Oh well, I guess they're coming soon enough.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

We had a big day today. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that everything on my list (and I mean everything) will be checked off today! Yahoo I decided last night that I wasn't going to turn on the computer until my list was completed. I almost made it. Wink

We went to a nursery, got mulch and flowers and stuff, worked in the yard, did 4 loads of laundry, ran and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, vacuumed the stairs, and put up some blinds and pictures that we got at IKEA last week.

It was the hauling vacuum up the stairs and holding it so I could vacuum them that did it. Cramping pain in the middle/right side of my lower abdomen and I stopped to take a computer break. Biggrin

I just have to finish vacuuming the cat hair off the couch, write a letter to the choristers and work on our monthly budget and I'll be done! It's only 7pm, so no problem!!

Amazing the lengths one will go to in order to keep one's mind off of a particular subject... namely, the 'will I have a baby or not' question.

Ugh... I'm so bloated! All waistbands feel tight to me right now. Praying it's a good sign...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Just got back from the doctor a little while ago...

Well, I wish I had better news. My HCG went up to 1649, but it should have been higher. They couldn't find anything on the u/s, even though both technicians looked and spent about 20 minutes trying to find the darn thing. Maybe that means this baby would have hidden from me all the time. :roll:

So there are two possibilities at this point:
1) it's an abnormal uterine pregnancy, which means that I'll (please God, I hope) m/c on my own or she'll have to do a d&c or possibly give me some kind of pill that will make it go away. or

2) that it's an ectopic and she'll give me another pill that will 'clean' me out. Then they'll follow my HCG levels back down to 0. Obviously, we're hoping it's abnormal and that I'll miscarry on my own - hard to believe that's 'ideal' right now, but it is in this case.

I go back on Wednesday for even more bloodwork and another u/s and hopefully they'll find out where that little bugger is hiding.

The good news is that she's only going to make me wait one cycle before TTC again. And it's good news that I can actually get pregnant (although she said that if it's an ectopic, I have a higher chance of that happening again and if it does, she'll remove the offensive tube).

So there you go... she said we were matter of fact about it, which she thought was good ( :?: ) but I think we just did most of our grieving last week. I'm sure more will come when I'm not pregnant anymore. I don't think it's really hit me fully yet...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I wish it was all over with. I have a terrible feeling that it's an ectopic and that would be the worst, because it means we have an increased chance that it will happen again.

I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork and yet another u/s, so hopefully they'll be able to find where it is this time.

I'm so tired, emotionally and physically. I need some time to just sit and comprehend everything that is happening to us, but I've been so busy. I suppose it's better in the long run.

The good news is that we've decided to go ahead and paint our bedroom this weekend! We have Friday off and we've been itching to paint it since we moved in last June. We finally decided on a color theme and so now it's just a matter of doing it. We had initially decided to postpone the painting because of the pregnancy, but now it doesn't matter. We should get it done before I get pregnant again, anyway (like that's going to happen anytime soon :roll:).

Anyway, I'm looking forward to it.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Warning: only negativity ahead.

I'm going to allow myself this one whine and gripe session and hopefully get it out of my system.

I went back to the Nov. 07 birth board one last time and just found myself so jealous and hurt.

Why did I have to be the one to go?
Why do all the others get to stay?
Most of them just complain all the time about m/s and getting bloated, etc. I was never pregnant 'enough' to get sick, but I've had pretty major cramping and bloating and constipation and I was just so thankful to be pregnant and knew so many who would gladly put up with all of those symptoms in a heartbeat just to have the privilege of carrying their own baby. It annoyed me even when I thought everything was okay, but now it just seems so darn.... okay I'll say it.... UNFAIR! And I hear my parents say, "Life is unfair, Ruth."

Yup, there's the ugly green monster named Ruth. I hate feeling this way. I struggled so hard yesterday to 'lean not on my own understanding,' and it helped. But it's SO hard. I hate that my best case scenerio at this point is that they find out where this poor little lost bean is so they can eliminate it correctly. I hate seeing all the pictures people have posted of their first u/s with that wonderful little sac and healthy baby, as I spent nearly 30 minutes yesterday staring at the screen at my empty womb. I hate knowing that I could suddenly be in a substantial amount of localized pain and just be afraid I was about to lose a tube or ovary. I hate knowing that most likely my next possible EDD is probably March 08, especially since I 'should' have given birth to our first baby this past February. I especially hate that I'm so broken up over this and I just really want to be strong for my DH instead of crying to him all the time. I love that he's being so supportive though. I honestly don't know what I would do without him and it makes me tear up to even think about it.

Darn hormones!!

OK, gripe session over. Time to move on and leave all this behind.

Over and over yesterday, I found comfort in this:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Number went up to 1883 today. Still nothing showing on u/s. So I got the added pleasure of an endometrial biopsy.

And now for your reference pleasure, I have decided to rate my own personal pain scale for procedures in the nether regions, from least painful to most painful:

vaginal u/s
pap smear
endometrial biopsy

That's everything they let you remain conscious for, right? Ah, the joys of TTC. :roll:

My DH is so wonderful. He prayed for our poor little baby tonight, and that God would hold me up and heal me. So will this little one grow up in heaven? I've always wondered how this works, but I always hoped it would never happen to me.

The good news is that I'll find out tomorrow if it's hiding in my uterus or hiding elsewhere. Please God let it be hiding in my uterus. And if that wish is granted, please let me m/c naturally SOON.

I must say I'll be VERY pleasantly surprised if it is in my uterus. And the worst part is that if it is, I'm still going to wonder if two eggs fertilized and the other one is still going to rupture my tube. That's the scariest part.

Come out, come out wherever you are! No more hiding.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Back from the methotrexate injection...

It really went as well as I could have hoped for. I just love my RE's office. They're all so patient and professional and empathetic. My RE said she sees 2-3 ectopics per month, but she said mostly because IVF runs a higher risk of ectopics. I just appreciate how closely she's monitoring me.

BTW, my HCG went up again to 2250 (from 1883 on Wednesday) and she said it's not unusual for it to go up again when they do the next reading on Tuesday. The important thing is for it to go down by the NEXT reading on Friday. If not, they'll do another injection. And I'm still in danger of a rupture, so I'm supposed to be extremely vigilant about severe abdominal pain (although the methotrexate can also cause that).

The nurse who did the injections said to drink lots and lots of water and that would significantly reduce any possible s/e. She said the women who drink the most water tend to not have any or very few s/e. So Al's mission (since he really can't do much else right now) is to force water down me. The bummer is that I can't exercise. I stopped exercising as soon as I knew the pregnancy was in trouble, but I was hoping to continue as soon as I felt up to it. But my RE said to wait at least a week, which I guess makes sense.

Good news - she's still only going to make me wait one cycle before TTC again. She said it might take 2-3 weeks to have a bleed and then another month to cycle - so it might be 2.5 months before we can try again... but she said we didn't have to abstain or anything and it wouldn't be that big a deal if we conceived on our own (yeah right If we could conceive on our own, we wouldn't even know her ). The other good news is that we do have increased fertility after a pregnancy, BUT the bad news is that we're now at higher risk for another ectopic. Every ectopic increases the risk of having another... but she said she'd take my right tube out if it happens again. I could be headed to even more fun next time around, but let's not even THINK about it.

I'm doing much better than I thought I would. Last night was really hard and I broke down after our Maundy Thursday service. Getting through the service was tough too, especially because I had to perform and I really didn't feel like it. It does seem kind of ironic that we started the process of losing our baby on Good Friday. But the hope given to us on Easter gives me hope that everything will someday be right again.

One last thing and I'll end my little novel... Al said this morning that he hopes this forced break will give me a better perspective on TTC (read: less obsessive). It really would be okay if we never had any children. As hard as that is to hear, he's right. And if I devoted my entire life and all my energy to trying to make this happen, it wouldn't be healthy for us or for our potential children to have our lives be all about them. There needs to be a balance. So I'm going to do my best to try for a better balance and especially to get more fit (as soon as I can exercise again).

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

I just realized that I didn't say in my last post that the endometrial biopsy showed no baby in the uterus. I suppose it was obvious by the post, but it was decided that the pregnancy is ectopic.

I felt a little out of it yesterday, but today feel better. I'm definitely a lot more emotional but I suppose that's to be expected. We have some friends coming over tonight so I think it will be good.

It's really amazing that I'm not more of an emotional basket case. I think God is just giving me mercy right now...

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

We're currently in Dallas, celebrating my mom's 60th birthday. I don't have much time, just wanted to give a quick update.

Started spotting a week ago today. It's so gross. Every day is a tiny bit worse, but it's not red... it's like tar! Yuck. It burns, too. While I was in the shower today I decided to check my CP and just see what was going on down there and when my finger came out I almost threw up. So disgusting! I may never be able to DTD again - it's just too painful down there.

My number was in the 2800 range on Tuesday and went down to 2300 on Friday. I only have to go in once next week! Yahoo My pregnancy symptoms are also starting to go away. Boobs are back to normal, painwise. I think they're still slightly larger, though. Hope they stay that way, but I've been so unlucky up to this point I can't imagine getting lucky here. One can hope, though.

So 3 months from my injection will be June 29. I can't believe I have to wait that long before TTC again.

Assuming June 29 is CD 1 (which it won't be)
and assuming I conceive that cycle (which I probably won't)
and assuming it's healthy (which it may not be),
my first possible EDD is April 5, 2008.

That's a year from now! :roll: Am I the picture of optimism or what? Lol

So frustrated...

... and it was just great being held captive by my aunt this morning while she told me all about her dysfunctional family and all the pregnancies, rehab time, custody/child support issues, etc., etc. :blahblah:

OK, I'm just depressing myself. Next time I'll talk about my mom's surprise party - that's happier!

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

So I've been sort of chewing on a thought but I think I need to write it down. When I mentioned to my mom that my RE said that if I have another ectopic she'll remove my right tube, my mom asked why she doesn't just take it out right now.

Well, because shots are better than surgery, for starters. I kind of figured two tubes were better than one.

But now I've been thinking about it. If keeping the right tube just means future ectopics, maybe two tubes are NOT better than one.

Let's say my right tube is mostly blocked because of scar tissue from that appendectomy. If the RE goes to clean things out, maybe she can remove the scar tissue and also check for other things (like endo, which I'm a little concerned about). Maybe in the process she can save the tube. So if she does a lap and removes the scar tissue and possibly any endo, I'm in much better shape than before, right?

But what if she goes in and has to remove the tube? Well, if it's blocked enough, I'm assuming it would only cause one ectopic after another. Maybe it's better to eliminate that possibility right off the bat. On the other hand, what if I were to have an ectopic in the left tube and they had to remove it? My only shot at getting pregnant would be IVF and we can't afford it right now. Having just one tube is risky. I know my friend Deb got preggo with one, but I don't like those odds.

Hmmm... guess I need to still think about it and ask someone smarter than myself. Smile

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

back from the ER...

That's right. Last night we were on our way out to dinner and shortly after starting the trip, the mild cramps I'd been experiencing started getting much more severe. I took 2 tylenol at 6pm and then two more an hour later. Think of your worst AF cramps ever and multiply by 2000. I had appendicitis a few years ago and that pain paled in comparison. I wanted to die - I couldn't even go to the ER at first because I couldn't do anything but be doubled over. Poor Al.

So I felt well enough to get in the car around 9pm. These were weird cramps, too. They came in waves. There was always an unbearable 'baseline' pain, but then I'd get these waves of horrendous pain that felt like someone was scraping out my uterus with a knife.

I was bleeding VERY heavily, passing lots of huge clots (sorry TMI) so I doubted the pain was from a rupture. My RE had also said that the methotrexate can cause severe abdominal pain that would be identical to the pain of a rupture so we were told not to take any chances and get to an ER if that happened.

Long story short, I was discharged at 4am and went through lots of bloodwork, 3 u/s (2 external, one internal), 2 pelvic exams, and a partridge in a pear tree. Lol Thankfully they just saw fluid in the uterus (causing all the pain) and no signs of a rupture.

After catching a 6am flight yesterday morning, we were up for nearly 24 hours straight. Poor Al got only 1.5 hours of sleep before heading to work this morning and he has two projects due for his class tonight. I just feel so bad for him (he slept in my bed in the ER for a while which made the nurses laugh).

The funny part is that shortly after arriving at the ER, the pain almost completely stopped. In fact, we were about to go home because the waiting room was packed and I was feeling tons better - but the *pregnant* technician told us a bed had just opened up and encouraged us to at least get things checked out.

During one of the u/s, the doctor measured the lining of my uterus and it's gotten much thinner, so she didn't think I'd have another episode of such extreme pain unless it really does rupture. Thankfully, my HCG levels dropped significantly since Friday (from 2300 down to 1100) so I'm hopeful that the danger period for a rupture will be over soon.

I had to throw one little pity party for myself last night. It's hard enough to lose a baby, but to have to endure such agony just makes it seem so unfair. I know, I know, life isn't fair. I'm just thankful the pain has almost completely stopped - just back to the mild cramping I was experiencing before. I'm just praying it will all be over soon.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

wow, I fell to page 2. That almost sums up my week.

When it rains it pours, right?

So when we got back from the ER Monday night/Tuesday morning, I was starting to cuddle up to my DH when I noticed that my stomach wasn't fond of the pressure. I figured that my body had been through a lot and just adjusted and didn't think much else about it. Well, it kept getting worse. It moved further south and round the lower back and made my bowels REALLY unhappy and I ended up calling in sick yesterday AND today.

This morning I went in for the scheduled HCG reading and was dragging so much they wouldn't let me leave. Another pelvic exam, another u/s, more bloodwork... I'm glad they're looking after me but I'm getting tired of being poked and prodded in just the spots that I hurt the most.

So the good news is that my HCG is down to 170! Yahoo The danger zone for a rupture has just about passed.

Better news is that I can now take ibuprofen (which is how I'm able to sit here and type instead of the previous two days of rolling about in agony).

All of the tests came back great, or normal.

Bad news is that the u/s technician did an external scan in addition to the internal scan and randomly put the scanner-thing up near my right rib (I swear her hand must have slipped) and found a gallstone!! :? :shock:

Yippee. So my RE said to wait a month or so while we get the ectopic resolved and then go see a specialist. I just googled gallstones and felt a little reassured. Since I have had zero symptoms they mentioned, mine is probably 'asymptomatic' and they probably won't treat it. Ironically, they can be caused by pregnancy. Wouldn't it just figure that my ectopic caused a gallstone? :roll: Talk about adding insult to injury!

I'm just so tired of feeling bad. We're approaching our one-year anniversary of TTC and just have a year of heartache and pain to remember, with no happy ending just yet.

I know I need to be thankful for what I have. Right now I would like my health back and be able to have sex with my husband again. It's been 48 days since we've been able to DTD, and (even though I didn't bother asking) I'm sure I'm still on pelvic rest. Even if she cleared me, I'm in no condition right now. Geez, I'm hardly able to just sit and type. :?

I have to say that I am so thankful for my wonderful sweet husband. I wouldn't have made it without him. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how great he's been. This week has just been a blur of pain and hospitals and my steadfast partner. Never a complaint or a grumble - only calm and concern and love.

I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world.

Joined: 06/09/06
Posts: 3264

Slowly returning to the land of the living. Yesterday morning was better but I was still fairly miserable. Gradually I got better as the day passed. I felt gross again this morning, but it generally seems that I feel stronger and with less pain every few hours.

So grateful.

I actually felt well enough to get some housework done last night (took most of the day off other than judging a piano competition in the morning). Al was so happy - for him, I think that's been the worst part of me being sick all week. At least he won't take me for granted for a while. Smile

We watched 'the holiday' yesterday afternoon. It was a cute movie, held my interest, but I was really disturbed by the message. Maybe I'm feeling ultra-sensitive these days, maybe it's because I haven't had any sex for 50 days now (and counting :(), but I just felt like they painted a terrible picture of what love is really all about.

Or maybe it's because this week we experienced the 'in sickness... for worse' part of our vows. I guess loving someone doesn't always include cozy cottages and having sex 3 times a day with someone you've just met.

My husband truly loved me this week and to call that other flimsy, infatuation stuff 'love' is truly an insult to what love is.

Love is (sometimes) sitting in the ER when you've been up for 24 hours straight and rubbing someone's back for 2 hours because it's the only thing that helps them at all and you would do anything. Love is making all the meals and washing all the dishes even though you've been working all day and you're tired.

I just felt so loved this week and I know not many people give or receive that kind of love. We're coming up on our 5 year anniversary and I feel like we've both learned so much about what it means to love the other during our marriage. When we first got married, I didn't think I could love Al more than I already did. But I was wrong. It's not always easy, but love is a choice we make. Caring about someone even when they aren't being nice or are particularly 'lovable' at that time.

Oh I give up. I'm too emotionally spent and this is too deep for me right now. I'll let someone more eloquent fix it and finish it. Maybe someone who has loved better and longer than me. Wink

Glad to be back!