Confessions of an Army Wife!

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Confessions of an Army Wife!

October 26th 2008:
Currently listening to: Love Story by Taylor Swift
Currently reading: Memory Keepers Daughter (lovin' it!)
Current mood: Feisty! Smile

Hello! Smile

I've been an addicted member to TOC for about 9 months now. My old employer always joked with me that I needed to check out this site due to my major baby fever moments. I always put her off and pulled the "Ya, ya, I'll check it out." Well, I'm glad I did. I've met some amazing people since hanging around :).

My name is Pamela and DH is Tanner. He is currently active duty army and I am a nanny Smile We got "married" on August 31st 2007 in the court house with a JOP. We will be having our "traditional" wedding on June 12th 2009. DH is currently deployed to Baghdad, Iraq- hopefully only for a few more months since he's been there since December 2007. Sad We have two dogs, Mya and Hemi- I bet ya can't tell my husband is a Dodge fan Smile As much as they make me want to sit in the corner and rock myself while strumming my lips, I love them Smile and their "daddy" wouldn't let me get rid of them no matter what, not that I've ever thought of it..:rolleyes:

Let's see: our current status: Homeowners! Yay! I am in the process of signing all the final paperwork to be able to close on our BRAND new house on November 7th (happy birthday to me, I turn 23 on the 8th!). Between that and planning a wedding, I've obviously been a busy girl! Smile With DH being deployed..well, the :lovebed: just doesn't happen haha! SO as far as baby makin' we're currently on hold until DH gets back, but even then we'll have to see! I do have a white dress to squeeze in to in June! haha. So I think, unfortunately, our TTC days are going to be put off until March/April 2009. I'm trying not to add that to my stresses of life currently.

Oh and just a general discalimer..I can be a bit outspoken, so take it for a grain of salt, I NEVER mean to offend anyone Smile But I've been told I can pack a pretty big bite for my little 5'0 blonde self. I was also told I'd make a good lawyer, I'm always up for a debate haha Wink

With that said, I'll retire for the night- It's approaching 2am and I'm tired. Smile How about a few pictures to end the night Smile Enjoy dolls!

*Me and my most favorite rented kids Smile My old nanny kids Sad

*A less sober version of me Smile Eek!

*see why the get away with murder haha!

*He pretty much gets me through the day!

*This is one of my favorite pictures..Yes, favorite, the day he left- That's my hero, and he makes me the most proud person in the world, and in that moment, it was me and him, and he held me as I cried, and it was probably the most intimate moments we've ever had...well, in public anyway Smile

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October 29th 2008

Currently listening to: I run to you- Lady Antebellum

Baby names!

Haha- so let me first say that DH and I are not EVEN pregnant, and to top it off we aren't even in the same continent so that gives you an idea of how NOT pregnant I am. So why are we "bickering" over BABY NAMES!! Haha.. We are sooo retarded! DH has his "favorite" name- and I like it don't get me wrong, but I'm finding new names that I'm loving! And DH doesn't like them haha and it makes me sad. How stupid are we! And not only that, we ONLY bicker over girl names. haha. Watch we'll have three boys and it won't matter Smile So I thought for fun this "post" will be for my baby names, and I will update it as I go- just for fun, so I can look back when we actually babies and see how silly we were since we probably won't end up using any of them Smile

Girl names:
*Lacey
*Braylee/Brilee Lynn
*Faith Austin (dh's most favorite)
*Adelyn/Adilyn/Addalyn/Adalynn (not sure on spelling)
*Madeline/Madelyn Grace
*Kaylin
*Keely
*Akara/Acara/Acaria
*Mckenna
*Mackenzie
*Maddison
*Brea- I'm not sure how this would work with our last name of Ray...Brea Ray- hm..


Boy names:

*Jackson (my total favorite!)
*Kyler
*Garrett
*Parker (my favorite DH hates!)
*Tucker
*Connor
*Carter
*Tayson
*Carson
*Jacob-I hate jake though Sad

Peace, Love and Silly faces!

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October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!
This is a rant- I'm irritated!

So I'm working my rear off to get all this stuff in line for the house we're closing on in a week and I understand DH can do very little being that he's in iraq- but here I am venting about the house and what I STILL have to do and the drama that has already started about the 'error' in times of things and what not and all DH can talk about is how he's up in his internet poker game :eek: what the f!! I don't care. Hellloo, I'm trying to pull together everything we own so we can buy this dang house and all he wants to talk about is freaking poker! Rar. I'm cranky, thank you AF!

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November 10th 2008

Well a much happier Mrs. Ray! Smile Let's do a little recap, shall we?

November 7th= House closing!! Today Tanner and I bought our very 1st house! How freaking exciting is that to say that we are 23 years old and bought our 1st house and not only is it our 1st house it's brand new! This house is going to open so many doors for us!! We now have a place to call "home" and somewhere he can come home too- not a rental that we have to bop around to in six months. No noisy people below us, no more "duplex" drama- our very own single family house. I am so proud of us! November is proving to be a good month! Tanner's promotion to Sargent, the house and of course, my birthday! Smile And any stalkers are free to take a look at the pictures of the house just go to :
http://www.dropshots.com/ittybitty288

November 8th= Happy 23rd birthday to me. This was quite a bittersweet moment for me..I used to always tell people I wanted to be married and have kids by 23, when I was 17, it seems so old and so far off. I always knew I wanted to start a family young...and I still am, so there is still time. I at least got the married thing down! Which is still a shock to me. haha But the babies are a little bit more behind I suppose. Ah well, in good time..right??

Rumor also has it that Advance leave for DH's unit COULD BE in 38 days..that is FABULOUS NEWS! That would mean that DH would leave about 2 weeks after that putting his estimated date around Jan 1st which is exactly when I plan to move home too!As much as it would be SOO super nice to have DH home for Christmas, if they could tell me he wouldn't be HOME for Christmas but at least in transit that would be good enough for me- besides Christmas 2009 is going to be the "real" chirstmas because it's going to be in our brand new house! Smile Well folks, that's all for now!! TTFN

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December 5th 2007.

So, yesterday was the "official" one year anniversary since DH deployed. Let me just take a moment and say what a celebration! Haha odd I know.:eek: But when DH deployed I remember feeling like there was no light at the end of this tunnel. There was nothing coming around the corner to be "excited" about. I think considering our circumstances of this last year, I've done pretty freaking good compared to A LOT of the other military wives in our "circle" of people. This has been a looooooong year, but we've done it. We've survived it! We vacationed on R&R did a little BDing, with no results :(, we bought a house. We got married months before DH left, so not only did we have the 'bumps' of any new marriage- we were doing it via email and via text messages.

A deployment puts value into your life. You look at things in a different light. You the the "little" things for granted. I'll never forget, the first morning when DH was home on R&R and I woke up and he wasn't in bed... and I panicked. I was so worried I was dreaming him being home..But then I heard him in the kitchen. I felt like a kid on Christmas, remembering that Santa had come and there were presents waiting. So I bolted out into the kitchen and there's DH, cooking and the dishes were done. I just stood there and cried. And he looked at me and was just so confused as to why I was crying. What he didn't get is that those are all the things I had to do alone for the 8 months prior he'd been gone. Those are all the things I never had help with, or the luxury of waking up to. He said he understood, but he didn't know how my heart felt. It was so bittersweet- I stood there and told myself, don't get used to it..He leaves in 17 days. I just sat at our kitchen table with him and just ate, and talked, and ate. I think it took us three hours to get through breakfast- and well...then the kitchen table became a..um..source of entertainment, if you will :rolleyes: (don't worry it didn't last long! Cold glass on a naked bottom did not feel good!)

It's funny how differently people see this "celebration". I text my friend and told her "It's officially been one year since DH deployed!!" and she reply's back with a ":(" face. And I said "no! This is good! I remember when it was only 'oh he left 2 months ago' and now it's 'he'll be home in 2 months'" That's good!! And maybe it's just cuz I'm odd, but I try to be positive about this. I always have been- or at least try. When I put up like the 70 pictures of DH deploying, like from the day of, all my friends were like ..awww that's so sad. And granted, yes the "day" was sad. But those pictures don't make me "sad". They make me proud, they make me happy. I have those pictures to remember that day, remember those kisses, the warmth of him holding me on that damn cold day! haha. It gives me hope. Those pictures are what I get to feel in two months, just the reversed emotion. I know, I know, I'm so bass-akwards. Biggrin
Anyway kids, this ends my "day" of blogging. I guess moral of the story, even when DH's drive you banaza- don't forget to kiss him goodnight, don't forget to kiss him every morning (when DH is home, he ALWAYS kissed me good morning, even at 4 am when he left for work). Don't take things like the ONE TIME he did the laundry for granted or the ONE TIME he let you watch the show you wanted or the ONE TIME he cleaned up the kitchen with out being asked, cherish those moments. I'd kill to have one more, one time. Smile

Peace, love and February 2009!! Smile

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December 9th 2009

So a little rant for today..

I'm sort of irritated with my girlfriends. I feel like ever since I left IL and moved out to CO (may 07) a lot of my friends and I have lost our 'closeness'. Like my one 'best' girlfriend- likes to go out.. a lot! And I don't. It's expensive- there are NO cabs out here in the cornfields, and I don't like the idea of leaving my car at a bar and then trusting her GUY friends to safely take me home- sorry no! And perhaps it's because I'm growing out of "college" mode if you will. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all about a drink and some fun, but all the time- not my cup of tea, sorry.. So I just feel like, I'm "less" of a friend to her because of that, she never wants to hang out and I'm never invited to go out with her anymore because I typically don't want to go out..but I suppose it's still nice to be invited. I dunno.

Another friend rant. I asked one of my long time girlfriends to be in my wedding. We've been at draws since I asked her. Long story short, there was a trio that i've hung out with since 5th grade (i'm now 23)- and I asked one of the girls but not the other. Well, the girl I didn't ask is okay with that, she knows we've grown apart over the years so she's not crushed or anything. Well my other friend pulled the "i know she'll ask us both! won't it be so fun" and when I didn't ask the other girl it was the end of the world, so since day one she's been down my throat about not asking her. Well, I have six bridesmaids. So I just told everyone "this is the color, go pick your dress" that way everyone can wear what they feel most comfortable in this. My friend goes and picks the must OVER THE TOP/pick up skirt bridesmaid dress. Okay, I'm having an OUTDOOR wedding in June! SIMPLE SIMPLE SIMPLE, and she picks this over the top dress. Well I recently come to find out she spilled the beans to another bridesmaid about her thoughts on her dress choice- she TOLD my other girl, " I know the dess is over the top, but I just want to feel like a princess for a day". Honestly, who does that?! Who TRIES to out do a bride on her day!?! I love this girl, I really do- but when it comes to money I hate her- her family always gave her EVERYTHING she's wanted, mine I've had to work for it- which I couldn't be happier with because i look at her and the girl STILL doesn't pay her own bills! I know I'm the one winning in the end and I have so much more value in life. But still- why would you do that to me- and it irritates me because she's always been that way, she's ALWAYS got to out do someone and she has NO problem sharing that fact. I just can't believe that now at age 23, we're still dealing with that. And the reasoning behind it- honeslty!! I guess i'm more hurt than anything..

As far as friends goes, I feel like I have no one. The only person I'm friends with is the lady I used to nanny for, but that friendship is like a "I raised your kids, be my friend" I feel sometimes that she's trying to be younger than she is. I dunno. Sometimes I just want a "solid" friend, my age- who I can have fun with!! I just feel like I can't relate to any of my friends. I dunno..pity party anyone!?

And on that note...my mother. Ugh, she drives me NUTS! I'm the oldest of 3. My brother- the youngest, moved out in June to Texas. So yes, she hasn't seen him for a few months- but it's funny how parents never play favorites until you've moved out. Every time I would call my mom she always has an excuse why she can't talk- or ends the conversation with call me in a few days. With my brother she'll drop ANYTHING to talk to him and ends every call with talk to you tomorrow. It's not like my mom and him are super close or anything either. Part of it is that he just came out that he's gay. And my dad didn't take it so well. So needless to say, it seems like she has to over compensate for something- i dunno. But I mean we'll be mid doing something (i.e the other night working on wedding invitations) and she just up and goes and talks to my brother for a half hour. It's like seriously, we're right in the middle of something, it's not like he's across the world. And like tonight (totally off topic) we went to my old high school's music program. I was HUGE into my vocal music. Well, naturally so was my brother. Being a female in choir no big deal, being male, huge deal- bigger demand. So naturally, he was more notable than I was. But ANY time music comes up, ALL she talks about is my brother- I feel like she NEVER promoted me this much- it was my music teacher who promoted me- not her. Anytime ANYTHING music comes up that's all she talks about is Eric this, Eric that, he did this and amazed this and did that and sang like this and la de fu*king da! She puts him on this golden pedestal and I just want to freaking scream at her, HELLO, he's not the only one who was musically talented!!! She just makes me feel like $h!t.

Another thing my mom does. I've mentioned to her about my recent weight issues and she is ON ME and driving me nuts. She comments on everything now. "Do you know how many carbs that has!" or.. "oh, that's a big portion, are you sure you want to eat all that" just crap like that. I hate it. And I know my mom- she's not doing it in a 'nice' way. Today, she left me a note to please shovel the driveway...and the added, P.s. it's a good flabby arm workout! I just wanted to scream. It makes me so mad, my mom has ALWAYS been skinner than me- I've always had to describe my mom as "my height and 40 pounds lighter" so yes- it does bug me about my "weight". My mom and I do have TOTALLY different body types though. I carry 75% of my "extra" weight in my boobs, let's face it, I'm a FULL DD cup. In pants and what not, I can wear a size 9 (not 'perfect' but not "plus" sized by any means). So it's not like I'm extreme. Shirts and junk, a Medium-Large (in JR's) MOSTLY because of my chest- have to keep the ladies in. I just feel like the people who are supposed to be closest to me are most against me. And I just feel so depressed lately- I haven't been like this since high school. I'm REALLY struggling with my weight (and I just commented to DH how I'm cranky and he says "cheer up, get some ice cream" RAR!!! I just wish men would think for two seconds before they talk!). I just feel very blah. I've always been on the 'curvy' side. Which I'm 100% fine with, I will never be a size 2 and that's okay with me! Size 6 I'd be THRILLED with! But this is the worst I've ever been or felt- and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Rar. I dunno, I suppose this is just one major 'poor me day'. Ah well...Rant over. I have a very uncomfortable bed calling my name..I can't wait to get 'home' haha!

Night.

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December 23rd 2008

So here I am, on the "eve" of Christmas Eve. For my family, we celebrate Christmas Eve with all the extended family so tomorrow for us is "fun" day. I must say I am extremely un-excited for tomorrow. Christmas 2007, Dh had been deployed for exactly 20 days. I had been living in Colorado since May 2007 and hadn't seen friends or family since. Needless to say, with the emotional wreck I was with DH newly deployed and missing my "roots" I was thrilled to be spending Christmas at home and couldn't wait for it. I was so stressed that I was super excited about Christmas. Christmas 2008, I'm singing a different tune.

DH and I have been together since November 2006. He ended up spending Christmas 2006 with his family in Arizona and even though I went to visit in January it still wasn't the same. Then Christmas 2007, Dh was fresh meat in the deployment scene, round 2, and here were are Christmas 2008 and once again DH Is gone. I, for some insane reason, am taking it SO very hard. More hard then I should probably. This should almost be an exciting time, we're nearing the end of DH's deployment, I should be jumping for joy, but the past three days, I've cried, hard cries over dumb dumb things. Everyone always asks "are you ready for christmas?" I always say "yeah, ready for it to be over" yes, I know bah-humbug on me. But you have to see it from my point of view. I've now been away from DH for 3 Christmases, living with my parents (again) is HARDLY enjoyable which makes tensions in the house already high. I just can't seem to catch a break. Yes poor pitty me. But it breaks down to that I don't necessarily feel bad for "me"..I feel bad for my DH. This is the second Christmas hes had to sit in a plywood room and watch youtube videos on Christmas day- no tree- no fancy meal- we sent gifts (but still not the same..)- none of that. That in itself breaks my heart. And the selfish part of me says 'damnit I want my husband home for Christmas'. I want to sit on the couch and open presents. I want my FAMILY to be able to spend a holiday with my husband. I want, I want, I want. And then I think, how dare I be so frustrated when he doesn't get ANY of that...I at least get it, just with out him..I really don't understand why I'm having such a hard time with this- like i said, i should be trilled DH is coming home. Perhaps another hesitation is that I KNOW everyone, literally ever person out of the 40 that will be here WILL ask me about him, and how he's doing and when he'll be home. And I should be thrilled to talk about that...but I'm not..because I shouldn't have to talk about that. Bottom line, this sucks. haha. and I'm about done because I can not see through the tears anymore..But I'll end this with my "letter to Santa"...

Well, It's been quite a while since I've written a letter to Santa, but I suppose there is something about the fantasy of writing a letter to a man that won't be able to grant my wishes anyway, something that I just can't resist.

Dear Santa,
If I were a six year old girl, I'd be asking for the latest barbie. If I were a boy, I'd be asking for a football or maybe a sweet skateboard. If I were in a broken family, perhaps I'd be wishing for mom and dad to get back together. But I'm not any of those things. I am an army wife. So there for on Christmas, I am asking for something very different then most people can comprehend.

My request for Christmas doesn't come in a box. It isn't something my parents had to wait in line for on Black Friday. It doesn't require any amount of money. There for, why is it the impossible gift? I know I won't want to return it. I know it will fit just perfect. I know it will be the perfect color to compliment my complexion. I also know that it would be my most favorite gift of all time and no other gift could top this one, ever! I know that it won't go out of style or stop working on day 31 of it's 30 day warranty. I know it won't cause any fights between me and my siblings as to whose turn it is next. Most of all Santa, you won't find it in any store. Your elves can not make it. But, I know where you can find it..and there's only one left that's just for me, so Santa, you need to go right now.

You'll find a man, tucked in a room made of plywood and memories. You'll find dusty boots and dirty uniforms. You'll find sand and for sure no snow. You'll see pictures of me hanging on the walls- that's when you for sure know you're in the right place! That's where you'll find my favorite thing Santa. You'll find him resting on his bed surely enjoying his day off from work. But do you know what else you'll find Santa? You'll find him alone. His family won't be anywhere in site. He'll be alone..so Santa, won't you wrap him up in a nice warm sweatshirt and a pair of jeans and bring him to me? Because, Santa, all I want for Christmas is to not have to ever spend it alone again. Santa won't you bring home my Soldier, my Hero, my Husband, my Tanner Ray...

Unfortunately, I know all the tears and begging won't help. I know he's not magically going to surprise me on my doorstep. I know he's just as miserable as I am. So now Santa, I'll ask you for one more gift... But this time, it's not for me. I want you to send out a message that will hopefully at least effect one person. When other people are celebrating Christmas this year with their family help them understand, not everyone is so lucky at such a wonderful time of year. Bring them joy and laughter and fun during their holiday, whichever it may be. Send them health and happiness. For I have learned, in time, I will get those things too. I have also learned, in order to call my Husband my Hero, I need to sacrifice a Christmas or two..or three. So for this Christmas Santa, send out hope to my fellow army wives; send out warmth to those who have lost a loved one; send guidance for those who need it; most of all Santa, let's send a thought to our Soldiers on this lonely time and let them know we're proud to call them ours. Don't worry Santa, since I asked for such a big gift this year, I'll make sure next year I ask for something small...maybe a baby- that's small Smile

Signed,
Yours Truly
Mrs. Ray, proud army wife.

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December 28th, 2009

Well, I survived the holidays, did you! Smile I did better than I though. A little liquid courage and a lot of waterproof mascara and we were off with a bang! My family hosted Christmas, as always, at my parents house- so I suppose it was at least "comforting" to be in my own house again, even though, it's only now a childhood house.

I must say, as much as I wasn't looking forward to Christmas, I got some pretty nifty stuff!! DH got us "his and hers" stars! YAY!! As silly as it is, I've ALWAYS wanted a star named after me. In high school, I was obsessed with "stars" and wore them on about everything Smile So it was cute that DH did this for "us", they will make a lovely addition to our new house! Smile DH also got me a Nintendo DS haha!! Which I LOVE- They have these games called Brain Age, it's logic/problem solving stuff, and I'm in love. 23 years old and I'm getting video games for Christmas! Smile I also got my Wii fit for my Wii! I am SUPER excited about this!!! So far I LOVE IT. I'm still sort of getting used to it, but I'm really hoping it'll help knock off some un-wanted pounds and HELP trim up a few areas that could use a round with the hedge clippers! haha Anyway, on that note, perhaps I'll start a Wii Fitness track going along here just to see if it helps...but so far it seems that if i keep steady with it I should be able to. I love how fast the time goes on it, you'll play for an hour and it'll tell you it's time to take a break and I get mad at it because I was just getting into it! HAHA. Ah well...that's about all I have to report here today folks!

T.T.F.N

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January 9th 2009!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

What an eventful year this has been for Tanner and I! Let's recap:

In December 2007- DH got deployed. As of January 9th 2009, Dh is.. still deployed. As of right now, we are told that he will be leave Iraq on February 4th and should be home shortly after that! I am so excited I can't wait!! I've already started collecting supplies for his welcome home sign to hang on the front porch :D!

In September 2008- I moved back home to IL to be with my parents through the holidays to finish out DH's deployment. We also started the paperwork to purchase our BRAND NEW HOUSE!!

In November 2008- Along with me turning 23, a bittersweet year for me.., We closed on our house. November 7th was our closing date and what a happy birthday to me, as I celebrate my "day" on the 8th! Smile

The holiday's came and went. Although it was a rough time for me (this is our 3rd Christmas in a row apart..thank you military) i got through it with flying colors! Smile I had my moments- and a lot of "alone time" tears..but I survived.

All in all, we're ready for this year to be over so we can move on and start our marriage together. Here's what our upcoming year looks like for us!

In January 2009- I moved back to Colorado to our empty home Sad It's nice to be back in our space, but I literally have not an ounce of furniture in this house so it is a little lonely.

In February 2009-:yahoo::yahoo: DH WILL BE HOME! :yahoo::yahoo: Thus we'll start adding our furniture into the house and decorating!! YAY!

In March 2009- We will be using DH's leave time to go visit my friends/family in IL. We are sooo excited! Dh- due to the military and my dad being a long distance trucker- has only met my dad a few times. And although my parents absolutely adore him they want to be closer to him. So we will be spending a week together with them. We are taking a road trip out there and I am thrilled!! So excited! Smile

In April 2009- I'm officially giving DH the "let's go!". We're going to start TTC this month or the end of March- however my cycles fall!!! :lovebed:

In June 2009- we have our wedding! We are already married but we only got married with the JOP. I told DH that I wanted a ceremony and reception as if you never knew we were married! We've been planning and paying for it for 10 months now!! We're almost done. Just have little details to finish up! Smile

In December 2009- DH and I will be celebrating Christmas together in OUR HOME! TOGETHER. We are absolutely thrilled about this. It will be our first Christmas together in our home and hopefully if things go as planned...we might be having a little Baby Ray joining the family shortly before or after Christmas!

Well that wraps up the next year for us! Smile Just thought I'd share.
I hope all my preg.org ladies have a fun and prosperous 2009...oh yes, and lots and lots of BFP!!! Biggrin

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Jan. 22nd 2009

Well, I'm a bit frustrated today- so this will be a rant.

I don't understand why when I'm asked to help out, that means I'm taken advantage of. I have a friend who had some minor surgery today, surgery still none the less. Tomorrow she is going to be with a friend who is having a brain tumor removed..yes, it does sound a little odd, but it is a true story. She has a home daycare with a few peoples kids who I know. So I was asked if I could come on Friday and sit with the kids for awhile. I was old told that her mom would be there early in the AM, being that she is a morning person and I AM NOT. We agreed that I would come around 9 am. Mind you, Friday, is my day off of work so I'm doing this on my day off.

Well, I get a text from this lady yesterday telling me I'd have to be there BY 7 am because that's when her first day care kid gets dropped off. Then I was also informed that they weren't going to her friends surgery till the afternoon. My other frustration- her husband will be home tomorrow also, but I was told that he had a lunch date (UM HELLO?! maybe that kind of thing can wait till Saturday?!). So why, I ask, do I have to be there so early?! Why can't her husband get up and be with the baby when he gets dropped off- seeing as how he's 1 yrs old and doesn't walk or do much of anything yet...he gets a bottle in the AM and he's down for a nap by 8:30/9 am. So WHY can't someone else sit with him for the hour and a half he's up and I can make my way over around 10ish?! On my day off mind you!! Then I get a text from the husband just now saying: "I'll leave a key under the mat, go ahead and let yourself in, if my kids sleep in, i'm going to sleep in too :)". Why does anyone NOT see how unfair this is to me?!?! So not only am I doing this on MY day off- Plans are being changed LAST minute AND i'm NOT a morning person- AND no one even can see that this is unfair. And hell, maybe it's just me *****ing and moaning... but I just 100% feel like I'm being taken advantage of!! We had an agreement, that changed. And it wasn't even approached of "hey, my mom changed her mind, CAN YOU GET HERE at 7 am"...no it was "I need you here at 7 am." Okay- That frustrates me. What frustrates me more is that I feel like I'm being asked to come over so everyone else can just sit back and enjoy their day off. Well ya know fricking what, I"D LIKE TO DO THE SAMMMMME THING. And now I KNOW I'm going to be cranky going over there- and to top it off...the lady's daughter who I LOVE don't get me wrong, NEVER listens to me when her mom is around- NEVER. So it just frustrates the crap out of me- I'm going there to let a 3 year old walk all over me, let people SLEEP IN, and basically be at someone's beccon call.

I'm all about helping out, TRUST ME when I say that- I really am, because I know that if it were me, they'd try to help, but I'm not all about helping out when I'm being taken advantage of. And this is NOT the first time this has ever happened with this family...it's making me not want to help them out anymore..at all. And I hate to say that because they are my friends, but when you take advantage of me like this, it really hurts me. I do a lot for them and I did when I worked for them but something always came up, something always changed something was always a problem. I'm sorry but that's really just selfish. If the kids rooms weren't cleaned, i'd get text messages saying how they need to get cleaned, yet if you saw those kids rooms right now you'd vomit- they're a mess, but that's okay!! I used to get SINK FULL of dishes with food STILL ON THEM and be expected to have them done by the end of the day, yet now they let dishes sit for DAYS! I just feel on a work level this family absolutely walks all over me.

I know I should stick up for myself and say something but when I do, I'm always the bad guy. "well you said you'd help with the kids" which is true, I DID! but I didn't agree to these terms. And they'll be the FIRST to tell me when someone else is taking advantage of me AKA, my current job. I told her I would not offer care pat 5:30 on wedensday- that is when I went to church and she's have to make other arrangements- I told her this in NOVEMBER when I interviewd with her- I started work middle of Jan and it hadn't been figured out yet so I was asked to work wednesdays. I told her she'd have to find other care for those nights because that's what we agreed on before work started- but when I was telling my friends that I was frustrated they wre the FIRST to point out how she was taking advantage of me!! But yet when they do it they dont' see it that way!! And they both do it!! Rar. I'm so frustrated right now and hurt! I think I' mmore hurt that my "friends" could act like this towards me and have NO REMORSE! or even at least ASK if that was okay- just "told" me tha's how it's going to be, and since i'm such a damn nice person I just go with it...RAR!!

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Jan. 23rd 2009

Well this week just keeps getting better :(.

So today, as in my previous entry, I vented about some problems I was having with my friends. Well it turns out after all that they didn't even end up going to visit their friend in the hospital! They stayed home ALL DAY and lounged and even had the nerve to nap- her and him! I was completely offended and I will not be helping again.

Another major drama of the day:
Long story short- i have two brothers, both younger. I've never really gotten along with either. Well my youngest brother and I have always been the worst and recently we were both home for Christmas and when I say it was two weeks from hell, that's putting it lightly. It was horrible. I made it very VERY clear that I did not want him at my wedding- absolutely not. So I found out today that my mom took it upon herself to buy him a plane ticket for the wedding and when I confronted her about it her excuse was that she had "hoped" everything would pass by the time of the wedding...aka she was hoping I wouldn't find out until the wedding and then I'd find out when he got here days before and then it wouldn't be a problem....HOW NICE!! I mean honestly! THIS IS MY WEDDING. Yes call me selfish and whatever but my brother said some VERY HATEFUL things to me. I know that I COULD have been better back, but I DID try- even my parents admit that I tried more then he did to "mend" things...so WHY did my mom feel it to be problem to just 'invite' him!!! I'm quite frustrated.

I just feel so let down by a lot of people lately- maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I dunno, I'd like to hope I at least have reason... Oh well...

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Jan. 25th 2009

This is a busy weekend for me! I'm cleaning all weekend. With DH shortly on his way home, I need to get this house tip top! And it's so odd, I have barley anything here but it seems SO dirty to me! haha. A lot of it is the dog hair and the dust and since there is no furniture the things it does collect on seem to shine even more!!

I also put up my Christmas tree today- YES that's right! With DH being gone now for TWO Christmas's, we're celebrating when he gets home. So yesterday I set it all up, but up the ornaments I bought for $1 and put all the presents under it! You'd never know it's not Christmas in my house haha. And I was pretty excited- I got the tree for $20. It was original $200!! I LOVE after Christmas sales- Everything is MAJOR discount. I got all kinds of Christmas stuff- and usually it's the more "unique" things, which I like a little more modern then traditional anyway so I'm totally okay with that. That is the ONLY advantage to having a husband deployed over Christmas- I get everything on super discount after the holiday's since he's gone and we obviously don't celebrate on the day of hehe

Other than that I can tell I'm getting super excited about him being home. I go to bed early and wake up early- which is so not me, and I fight myself to stay alseep, I just want to sleep till he's home. We've been able to talk for a couple minutes the past two days- no more then "i love you" "I miss you" "I can't wait to see you" kind of things..I'm sooo anxious. I told myself I wouldn't count days, but I can't help it! I'm just so excited. I keep secertly hoping that he'll surprise me and come home early. Yesterday he had me going, he was like "what are you up to?" and then RIGHT after it goes "so..." And i was like "sooooo!!?!?!" He goes "i got a pay raise." I was so bummed out... I was hoping he'd be like I'm in the states I'll be home in three hours! haha Not that I'm really complaining to a raise seeing as how it was a NICE one but still- not what I was hoping he'd say!!

Just a few more DAYS till Dh is home- I'm SO freaking excited!!

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Saturday, Feb. 7th= T-minus 24 hours!

So..DH is on his way home from Iraq! I couldn't be more excited. After 14.5 months of being apart I'm quite ready for him to be home! They've already changed his flight SEVERAL times and I'm getting quite irritated about it. But I guess that is the army life. Anyway, as of right now, DH thinks he'll be home sometime TOMORROW MORNING! Smile YAY! SO hopefully by this time tomorrow we'll be well...:lovebed: Biggrin we'll see though!!

Another realization has come to my attention also....In potentially 30 ish days (i think I've already O'd this month..) I could be pregnant!! THIS IS INSANE! I never thought this would happen...haha! We've been waiting for this "chance" for MONTHS now! I'm so exited to be able to move our furniture in and what not.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant and I went running downstairs to tell DH and he was so happy and we had furniture and our house was our home not a shell with nothing! haha. I'm so super excited to move all our furniture in although I'm bummed because it'll make everything seem so much smaller! haha I've gotten used to every room being empty and the living room and dinning room being empty and soon they'll have furniture and be all filled up haha. And I'm kind of bummed, our living room is kind of small and our couches are pretty big so we'll see how lost they look in the room. When we bought them we had to fill a 15 X 24' room so they needed to be "large" now we've got like a 15'X17' room so we'll see! Ah well, we can always sell them and buy a different set if it's too large. I'm just excited to see it all come together basically- it'll be nice nice nice nice!! So keep your fingers crossed about DH getting home on time Smile YAY!

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Cycle One- Day One TTC!!!

Wow. What a title. Day 1, Cycle 1. Bittersweet! I've waited for this moment to be true forever...I've dreamed of "having babies" since I was a toddler. And here it is. Our chance.

Dh is home and loving it. It's so so so nice to having him home again. He loves the new house and lately we've been working on making it "ours". We've started painting, bought more "grown up" furniture (YAY!!) and hanging all our art prints. It's really starting to feel like our "home". It's so exciting.

I took a pregnancy test last night, just for fun Smile My cycle had hit 31 days and so I was just seeing if perhapppps we got lucky Smile I think that it was probably the most distinctive negative I've ever seen Smile And this morning AF decided to confirm that stark whiteness. I'm okay with that. It gives me a chance to really count down my days! This is kind of more exciting..but ask me my feelings when we hit cycle day 31 cycle 12, no BFP! I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune! I'm trying to keep my head up and stay positive about this whole thing and NOT except to get it on the first go at it. I wear my stresses on my sleeve so my body probably isn't quite the best incubator. My parents took two years before they got pregnant with me- they had no fertility issues, it just took that long to 'get it right'. So who knows- but regardless this is a journey we're excited to take and I couldn't be more happy it's actually here! Smile Now let's just hope I'm actually ovulating!! That's a whole 'nother can of worms, but I promised DH I'd just let it happen for 6 months. So no OPK's for at least 6 months with no BFP!

Just for a little fun, here's mine and DH's 'plan':

- 6 months, just letting it happen! if no BFP...
- 6 months, NFP & OPK's/Charting.. if no BFP...
- re-evaluate. Do we keep trying NFP/letting it happen or do we look into fertility things.
Dh and I have agreed to no major invasive fertility treatments, so adoption would be our second option if one of us is deemed infertile in anyway. It's perhaps not everyone's choice, but it's ours. And as much as adoption thrills me, I'd have ONE stipulation- that we'd be able to do our best to looking into a newborns adoption and THEN doing infant/toddler. But I suppose that's quite a while away, a year at the earliest before we even worry about doing our research, so for now...eggy's it's on!! Smile

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Cycle One- Cycle Day: 12

**this is my ONE disclaimer from here on out..**
THIS IS MY RANT FOR THE DAY- DEAL WITH IT...

So- I think I'm kind of getting my hopes up here..but it's cycle day 12! And my cycles seem to be at about 27-32 ish days- so I COULD be O'ing quite soon...well, the girls have been SUPER sore- like I won't even let DH touch them..or if he just brushes me wrong, ZING . I had some CRAZY lower back pains yesterday. I asked DH to rub my back and NOTHING helped- like rubbing it didn't even help, I couldn't even feel the 'relief'. I dunno. I think I might over acting but maybe I'm not..what if... hey a girl can dream right?! And we're not charting yet or anything so I don't even have anything to stalk...just my overactive baby mind! I'm going to go nuttttso! And this is only cycle 1!!!

I've been "crampy" but it feels like O pains, so who knows. I've been feeling it for a few days now. We've been BD'ing but trying not to take it over board. I'm not exactly getting my hopes up yet. I've been cranky lately- but I think it's honestly just because I've been cranky. Haha, if that makes sense!

I'm getting frustrated with Preg.org. I understand there are specific boards for a reason, but what people fail to reason is that bonds are formed, you comfortable sharing information with certain people and you feel as though you get to know people. Yet people who HARDLY are ever around are getting offended by the topics talked about. It's a tad bit annoying. It's pretty obvious in the title what someone is talking about- if you don't want to read it don't read it. We all want babies, hence why we're on here, and the pity parties are getting old. I mean honestly people, we're all dealt cards for a reason in life. Everyone's situation is totally different and people need to understand that. Some people get pregnant when they don't' even know it's possible, some people get lucky on the first try. Some people loose pregnancies and babies even. Some people have children in double digits with not a single hardship. Some people have the roughest pregnancies ever, some people fly through them and through it all everyone always wants what they can't have. Of course I want babies! Perhaps it's the military that has taught me that things come to those who wait and crying and moaning won't make it happen any sooner, if nothing it'll make it longer because your body is so stressed.

I don't mean to offend, but this is my journal and I can say the things I'd like. And it bothers me that people who HARDLY post on the board want to make such a fuss about sharing other people's fun! I LOVE LOVE looking at everyone's updates and what not, and let's face it, I don't have 3 hours a day to find everyone's birth boards and search. I'm quite frustrated, actually, no, I'm more annoyed. And the graduates thread is not a place people usually post. Ah..whatever. I suppose I'm being a tad hypocritical- saying how it's stupid for people to piss and moan and here I am. I guess I will too avoid the board for the reason I'M TTC therefor, I don't belong in the TOC anymore. I don't doubt that I'm the only one offended. But on the flip side, I don't "belong" to the TTC board either- I haven't 'bonded' with those girls yet. Ah well- I guess I'll just get to stalking...I just hope the last few threads didn't offend too many people...Perhaps I should make a big stink that ANYONE having sex unprotected doesn't belong on that board- because let's face it, if you're NOT protected then obviously there is a CHANCE for pregnancy...and what are you going to do make friends on the TOC board yet post your BFP on the TTC board JUST because it happened even though those people are complete strangers to you? It's like hanging an 8x10 on your front door of the pregnancy test in high gloss, just so you can not offend the wrong group of people....Ah well- rant over. Perhaps I'll ovulate soon enough and get my BFP and belong to a BB and then I won't have to worry about this in between state anymore...because right now I feel SO unwelcome on TOC and I haven't yet formed a bond on TTC enough to talk about daily life. Ah well! Life goes on.

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:yahoo::yahoo:We're pregnant!!!!!:yahoo::yahoo:

My new pregnancy journal can be found at:

http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?p=6203501#post6203501