August 22, 2005
This is my first journal entry. I am 30 years old and have been trying to become a mother for 3 years. A fertility doctor told me that he could not help me after he gave me a fertility evaluation and my gynecologist looked at my HSG x-rays and told me the exact opposite.
I began adoption proceedings and now they are on hold since my GYN's news about my body. I am waiting to have 2 surgeries. One to remove a fibroid from my body and remove endometriosis lesions. Another to remove a fibroid that is likely preventing me from carrying a child to term.
Details on my story can be found here http://www.pregnancy.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=307039
Sunday I had a meltdown of sorts...I was in the car on the way to a restaurant with my husband, and I mentioned that it would make me very happy if he got the office ready for a baby.
My husband made the mistake at balking at the idea of moving all that furniture out of the office when I am not even pregnant.
"You're not even pregnant yet. Why don't we wait 'til you are? " was his response
And I blew up ....
and by the time we got to the restaurant, I was steaming mad.
I don't remember what I said....except that I told my husband that I didn't like his azz :oops: ....and in the middle of my emotional eruption, I said that I needed something tangible to hold onto to give me hope in our trying to have a child...and that I am in the midst of losing my grandmother...and do not have anything tangible to look at to give me hope while I wait for my doctor to schedule my laproscopic surgeries.
The poor waiter was confused when my husband asked for our lunch to be packed up, as soon as we were finishing the first course bowl of soup.
We got in the car....well I stormed in the car with husband following behind with our lunch in hand....and we had a long discussion in the car with him holding my hand and listening to me...and realizing that I was having a bad day and wanted needed to do one thing towards a child, so that I could look at that one thing as a tangible reminder not to give up hope in my journey towards parenthood.
My husband came up with a wonderful suggestion that we go to Target and pick out a baby outfit.
This way, any time that I feel down in the dumps about not having a child, I can look at and touch the baby outfit...and remember not to give up hope.
My emotions are on often on the edge.
I have very good days where I'm happy and I am so thankful for everything I have.
Then I have days where I am :angry9: and I :blowup:
My dear husband has been very patient and understanding, listening to me when I am angry and holding my hand and hugging me when I am sad.
I found the cute Winnie the Pooh outfit that you see in photo above, courtesy of Target. It is soft and has a lovely shade of yellow and sage colors in it. I visualize myself getting a fat healthy baby of our own into the outfit and into my arms.
My grandmother has begun to have the unresponsiveness crises which are a part of the dying process. She is under hospice care and my family and I are aware that her time on the planet is very short. My grandmother knows how much it would mean to me to have a child.