This is my first journal entry. I am 30 years old and have been trying to become a mother for 3 years. A fertility doctor told me that he could not help me after he gave me a fertility evaluation and my gynecologist looked at my HSG x-rays and told me the exact opposite.
I began adoption proceedings and now they are on hold since my GYN's news about my body. I am waiting to have 2 surgeries. One to remove a fibroid from my body and remove endometriosis lesions. Another to remove a fibroid that is likely preventing me from carrying a child to term.
Sunday I had a meltdown of sorts...I was in the car on the way to a restaurant with my husband, and I mentioned that it would make me very happy if he got the office ready for a baby.
My husband made the mistake at balking at the idea of moving all that furniture out of the office when I am not even pregnant.
"You're not even pregnant yet. Why don't we wait 'til you are? " was his response
And I blew up ....
and by the time we got to the restaurant, I was steaming mad.
I don't remember what I said....except that I told my husband that I didn't like his azz ....and in the middle of my emotional eruption, I said that I needed something tangible to hold onto to give me hope in our trying to have a child...and that I am in the midst of losing my grandmother...and do not have anything tangible to look at to give me hope while I wait for my doctor to schedule my laproscopic surgeries.
The poor waiter was confused when my husband asked for our lunch to be packed up, as soon as we were finishing the first course bowl of soup.
We got in the car....well I stormed in the car with husband following behind with our lunch in hand....and we had a long discussion in the car with him holding my hand and listening to me...and realizing that I was having a bad day and wanted needed to do one thing towards a child, so that I could look at that one thing as a tangible reminder not to give up hope in my journey towards parenthood.
My husband came up with a wonderful suggestion that we go to Target and pick out a baby outfit.
This way, any time that I feel down in the dumps about not having a child, I can look at and touch the baby outfit...and remember not to give up hope.
My emotions are on often on the edge.
I have very good days where I'm happy and I am so thankful for everything I have.
Then I have days where I am and I
My dear husband has been very patient and understanding, listening to me when I am angry and holding my hand and hugging me when I am sad.
I found the cute Winnie the Pooh outfit that you see in photo above, courtesy of Target. It is soft and has a lovely shade of yellow and sage colors in it. I visualize myself getting a fat healthy baby of our own into the outfit and into my arms.
My grandmother has begun to have the unresponsiveness crises which are a part of the dying process. She is under hospice care and my family and I are aware that her time on the planet is very short. My grandmother knows how much it would mean to me to have a child.
My mother is having a rough time in losing her mother...and I am having a rough time in trying to become a mother. Everything comes full circle.
Recently I remembered my mother confessing to me that my grandmother said she hoped that I didn't have problems conceiving. This was years ago, before meeting and marrying my husband, that she said this. My grandmother always had the habit of saying things at random that turned out to be true. (She's psychic and doesn't even know it!)
I spent yesterday thinking about everything...and I decided I am going to write to the American Medical Association Board to report the fertility doctor. The AMA should be aware of how he lied, deceived and discriminated against me in his evaluation of me, his assumption that we cannot afford fertility treatments and his statement that he couldn't help me and that I was better off adopting.
Friday is when I will be getting my medical records from the fertility clinic that gave me the fertility evaluation...so that I can proceed with the formal letter detailing everything that happened.
This is what I can do that may help me to begin to heal from this.
Back when we were planning on having children, I used to visit a certain baby website. Then later in time I was diagnosed as infertile...and when I returned to the website to check the adoption and infertility boards, I noticed the website was changed so that in order to register to join, you had to enter in the birthdate or due date for your baby.
I didn't know what to do since I did not have any children and was having trouble conceiving....so I entered a birthdate linked to a friend of ours' new baby. That was the best thing I could do at the time...and I think I handled it well... I could have easily gotten very upset but I chose not to.
I still have not heard from one of my friends, so I have not been able to tell her how I am feeling... so I'm giving her her space. She is pregnant and finds her support in posting to other mothers online. I can only respect her choice not to keep in touch with me.
Another friend of mine has been a listening ear, and I appreciate it tremendously. I am careful that I am not complaining everytime I speak with her. I share with her the things in my life that are going well, to balance it out...because I don't want to drain her energy by only communicating with her to vent. And I make sure I am listening to her too cuz that is what friendship is all about.
We have been friends for years and I appreciate her a lot. She is a good person, and very strong. I am very thankful I have her to talk to.
Is it me, or does it seems like we are in an epidemic of women who are having a hard time conceiving?
When did this happen?? Scientists, doctors and statisticans spout out numbers and say that it is due to women postponing having children because they had careers they wanted to pursue before they became parents.
But how do we account for the epidemic of 20s somethings who cannot conceive?
With this epidemic, there is an epidemic of families seeking fertility help with fertility doctors, fertility clinics, fertility specialists...and ironically there is a drop in the number of adoptions happening in our country...but a rise in private and independent adoption agencies.
Certain adoptions are still shrouded in secrecy with participants going as far as to change the child's birth certificate to reflect that the child was actually conceived and carried to term, when she was not.
There is a boom in IVF, IUI, Clomid pills, Lupron shots...what is going on here?
It is almost science fiction...imagine a planet where people no longer can conceive naturally and must scrape up money to have their children via fertility help or adoption....wooooooosssaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!
Everywhere I look, there is someone trying to conceive. If I turn on the t.v. it is about women who are having trouble conceiving. . . or about women who are adopting due to not being able to conceive.
Before I got married, I assumed I would throw out the diaphragm, my husband would look at me and BAM! PREGNANT!
But like many of us here in this forum, it didn't work that way...I remember after the fertility doctor told me that adoption was our best option, I immediately thought of relationships past.
I wondered if God was trying to tell me to conceive earlier in time and with the person I was with earlier in time.
The ghosts of relationships past came to haunt me... it did not matter that I am happily married and love my husband.
I even wondered if one former boyfriend had super sperm that was going to blast its way up my hopeful birth canal, racing through the cervix and past the endometrium lining to the finish line in my fallopian tubes to FERTILIZE THAT EGG and Miss EGG was going to float happily down my fallopian tube and implant her royal stickiness into my endometrium.
I know this sounds comical...but I was serious until I realized that only my husband understands my weird neurosises and only he can look at me a certain way that makes me smile and put his arms around me and say the right thing that makes me feel better about not getting knocked up as an struggling-poor-enough-to-attend-every-college-event- for-the-free-catered-food-bagel-stealing-from-the-cafeteria-plant-killing-college student. There is no way I could have cared for a baby back then...I could barely keep my plants alive!
So GOD BLESS ALL WOMEN who realize they cannot care for their child, who carry their child to term and give birth to them to a couple who will love and raise their child to the best of their ability.
Even though I am infertile, I see pregnancy in new eyes... sure, I oohh and awww over pregnant women who are married, but I also silently thank God for the pregnant women who are carrying their baby to term so that someone else can raise and love their child as their own. GOD BLESS 'EM!
If I see a pregnant woman and talk to her, I don't bug her with questions about her husband, how much money she makes, none of that. I just smile and silently ask God to bless her...because I do not care what her situation is, every child is a blessing, no matter the circumstances this child has come into this world!
My husband and I are going to stay on the adoption route.. we have our adoption orientation meeting and then we begin the classes that are required to adopt in our state. We fill out our application in the first meeting.
We are also going to pursue the surgeries, since it would relieve my physical pain anyway and because we want to take the risk that I will get pregnant after all.
The worst that can happen would be the best that could happen...considering all that I have been through in this marriage with ER trips, doctor appointments, emergencies... would be I have 2 babies at home...one from my womb and the other from my heart.
How special would that be? I know one woman who has 2 children via those means, the first she adopted and then found out she was pregnant when her daughter was still in diapers.
THREE CHEERS FOR EVERYONE IN EVERYTHING THAT THEY DO
THREE CHEERS FOR THOSE TRYING TO CONCEIVE TOO
THREE CHEERS FOR THOSE ADOPTING BABIES TOO
P.S. My sister told me that my grandmother is happy and at peace. She is ready to go, and my sister told me not to worry and let it upset me because our grandmother is happy.
Today I went back to the fertility clinic to sign a form to obtain my medical records from my evaluation at that clinic. It was the same nurse who was there during my first visit.
You know, it was strange...we had to look up the address and get driving directions because we could not remember how to get there.
Thanks to Yahoo Maps, we got to our destination...in the car ride I was VERY tense.
Then when I was in front of the nurse I was in a state of RAGE.
My husband noticed how calm I was, but did not realize that when I am this calm it means I am very upset.
During the car ride to the clinic, he asked me what was wrong, and my response was "I am upset and if I had my way I would not ever go back to the clinic again" and he patted my leg.
Five minutes later, he asked me what was wrong, but I could not answer because I was in a daze.
Then when we got to the clinic my anxiety turned to rage. I got pissed off when my husband started reading his book while I filled out the form to get my medical records. I didn't want him to get THAT comfortable in the clinic, especially when I was writing super-fast so I could get the hell out of there.
My husband noticed I was walking really fast once we were out the door and down the hallway and headed out of the building.
We got in the car and five minutes later, I blew up. . . I felt very angry at seeing the nurse again, and I was furious that my husband did not know I was upset, even though I said that I was.
I said to my husband that I have had so many ups and downs with the "trying to have a baby" issue that I could not take any more bad news ... what I meant by "bad news" wasn't the typical stuff that happens...such as the mother changes her mind about her child when we adopt, or finding out yet another thing is keeping us from pregnancy.
What I meant was...being lied to...and being treated as if we are not worth helping in our quest for children...terrible bedside manners. . . those are things I do not want to experience anymore of!
Unfortunately, I was so angry I did not want my husband (or anyone really) to touch me in the car, and I got in the backseat since we were on the freeway and I could not just get out of the car to get some space to myself. My husband got pissed and started yelling. . . and I sat in the back fuming and telling him how I didn't understand why he didnt know what "I'm upset" means. It was awful.
30 seconds after we got out our car, he grabbed me and put his arms around me, and I almost broke down crying in the parking lot. It was good that he held me because that is what I needed and was missing during the car ride to the fertility clinic and after leaving the fertility clinic.
I am not going to have to go back there again. He will pick up my records for me. Our doctor is going to get a sperm sample from him for laboratory analysis to make sure the cysts in his testicles have not lowered his sperm count or motility.
And in the meantime I continue to wait to hear back from my GYN regarding my surgeries and schedule them.
Right now I feel like someone did this to the right side of my head
This weekend was all weird! I decided to put on a pair of pants that I consider to be my loose fitting pants...and they were so tight. So I decided to weigh myself and discovered I have gained 5 pounds in one week. . . which is a shocker to me cuz I have never gained that much weight without trying.
This is while on a colon cleanse that involves drinking banana flavored fiber in a glass of water and taking anti-parasite pills and drinking this tea that gives you the urge to poop the next morning. As much as I poop, I shouldn't be gaining five pounds in one week...that is record weight gain in the history of my adulthood! Only a baby gains that much weight that fast.
I was so happy to find some clothes in Target that were cute and buttons easily or slips on easily. I am not even going to TRY to wear jeans. . . not after struggling to button a pair of denim trouser cut jeans yesterday and the day before!
Then I am gassy and always hungry, and always tired. I have been using that can of Oust a lot lately cuz many smells are horrible to me...and when someone passes gas or belches it smells to me like I am literally sitting in their bowels.
I am drinking lots of water...8 glasses a day....and my head hurts.
I can't even concentrate to get back to my mother regarding her update on my grandmother. I may just write her a note by hand, the old fashioned way instead of emailing or instant messenging cuz my head hurts so bad today. . . it looks like I'm going to be in bed soon.
The strangest thing happened 2 hours ago. I opened my mail and found out I have health insurance approval for a hysteroscopy to remove the fibroid that is keeping me from getting pregnant. (Finally!!!!)
I look up to check my email and there is an urgent email message from my mother about my grandmother.
I immediately called the hospice because my mother got the alert that her breathing is down and she wanted to get to her side to say goodbye to her.
I used the relay to let my aunt know to put the phone to my grandmother's ear when I hung up and called right back directly...cuz I know my grandmother wanted to hear my voice.
My aunt picked up and held the phone to her ear.
And all that came out my mouth was "I love you very much. You will be okay. I love you so much."
I am sitting here crying because I am so happy she won't be in pain anymore, and so thankful that she had my mother and was in my life for 30 years.
You know last night, my grandmother let me know she was leaving. I was watching House with my husband and all of a sudden I smell this really sweet scent. I noticed the scent because its not a scent that you can find in my house...and I have a very good sense of smell.
I even thought to myself that my grandmother would have loved that scent and wondered where it was from, what type of flower.
Then when I got up from my seat and walked to our room, there was a key on the floor in front of the doorway to our bedroom. The key was on the floor perfectly in the middle in front of the door and perfectly parallel to the door behind it.
Mind you, there is no way the key was knocked from the top of the doorframe where we stored it.
I called the hospice again when my mother finally got there and told her I was sorry her mother is dying and that I am so thankful that my grandmother was in our lives for as long as she was, and that I am so thankful my grandmother had my mother.
The time my grandmother was pregnant with my mother the doctor told her she was an awful person for getting pregnant without being married and that her baby was going to die because of her bad parenting. She spent the pregnancy worried and stressed that she was going to lose my mother. My grandfather was in the military, and his best friend pulled him aside and said, "You should marry this woman who is carrying your baby because she would have health insurance and because this is the right thing to do"
This is in the 1940s... my grandparents got married and my grandmother had a healthy baby girl who grew up became a woman who gave birth to me and my sister.
Imagine what would have happened if my grandmother was shamed into giving away my mother for adoption or if she had lost her baby from the stress of a doctor telling her how awful she was?
My grandmother died at midnight tonight. She died knowing that her family loves her and after hearing their voices telling their goodbyes.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY GRANDMA
1. I am loved and loveable because I exist.
2. Life and good health are blessings to be thankful for.
3. Always wear a slip underneath your dress.
4. "Grandchild" is the best role ever, you get a grandmother who thinks you are wonderful no matter what.
5. Uncondtional love is definitely do-able.
6. Never let anyone, not even a man you love dearly disrespect you or cause harm to you.
7. Lime is the best thing to keep bugs off your growing garden vegetables without using toxins.
8. The best greens are those picked after the first winter frost.
9. Pets are special and you never forget them or stop loving them when they are gone.
10. You need a really sharp knife to scale, gut and clean a fish.
11. Pretty jewelry is good for you.
12. Giving to others who are less fortunate is the right thing to do, because if you needed help, you would want someone to reach out and help you.
13. Appreciate everything you have and never wait for the right occasion to wear your "good" jewelry or sleep in your nice linens.
14. When someone's ways drive you crazy, it is because they remind you of yourself, and you don't like that reminder.
15. Thank God for what you do have.
I am so thankful I had her as my grandmother and that she was in my life for as long as she has been. I learned so many valuable things from knowing her and I will pass those things to my children.
My grandmother knew how much I want to have children. She was the one who prayed for me everytime I had a health issue, and prayed when I had my first laproscopy that diagnosed me with endometriosis and prayed when I suffered from very painful menstrual cramps for years. She prayed when I almost lost my life when I was 3 years old from an illness.
And on the day I was born, she jumped up and down in the hospital shouting, thanking God and cheering her new status as a grandmother.
She always said, "God is good" and that is true indeed!
I flew east for my grandmother's funeral. The services was beautiful and done in such a way she would have liked. We wore cream and white as she asked us to wear for her funeral.
But man oh man I am tired. Between entertaining people who came to her house to pay their respects, and eating, which was an all day thing I am tired. We had cousins who drove from North Carolina to Maryland for the funeral. We had family and friends I had not seen in years.
I saw cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends who gave me a big hug.
Sadness that she is gone but relief that she is not suffering anymore...and gratitude for all the things I learned from her.
I realized two days ago in the car that I no longer have any grandmothers. They are both in the other side now... and I hope they have their hands full in looking after all children that I am going to raise and love on this planet...soon!
I was so distracted, exhausted and sad that I missed my flight to California, and it was the last flight from Chicago to Orange County.
I went to the Hilton across the street from the airport. The Hilton put me up for one night and luckily had one room left for me to have. I was so thankful that I cried. I thought of all the people who were without their homes due to Hurricane Katrina. The next morning I flew home, and was sooo thankful to be home again and in my husband's arms again.
You know in Maryland, my family did a prayer circle for the Hurricane victims and for everyone in the circle who needed prayer. I secretly asked God to ease the process for me of becoming a mother.
I was just full of sadness for the parents who were separated from their children... the children and women who got raped and killed at the Superdome...the men who felt powerless to protect and help people that were harmed and dying and hungry...the families who are in shock and do not know what they are going to do...even though they are in shelters now.
You know, in Maryland I was full of joy to see all the children in my family from the babies to the teenagers and give them a hug and tell them how smart they are, how pretty and how handsome they are.
We hold the responsibility in our world for the children in it, and by telling a child how valuable they are, we may save their life and give them inspiration after knowing that they are valued. Our children are our most valuable resources!
I dont know about you but I had to laugh when my 1 year old cousin hollered his displeasure and chattered in baby talk his approval of what was going on around him.
My grandmother would have laughed too, and been so happy to know she has all this family who came for her homegoing who love her and appreciate what she has given to us through her life.
I am exhausted but I am full of love and appreciation...and hope that I will be raising children as parents with my husband.
In time my laproscopy/pelviscopy will be approved and I'll be able to schedule the surgery dates.
I will be 31 years old on October 10, and the upcoming weeks will be very busy!
Our adoption orientation meeting is very soon. I look forward to that as well
Since my last journal entry, one of my girlfriends went into early labor and lost her daughter in her pregnancy and had to have her buried. The child would have been born in February. She fought to live for 9 minutes and then died.
I have been concerned about my girlfriend and her husband and think of them everyday. If I had the funds I would hop on a plane and visit them.
Then a 6 year old playmate of a friend's 5 year old daughter died of lukemia the same day that my girlfriend lost her baby.
Then the next day an internet buddy of mine had her son by C-section. I spoke with her at the hospital and was just thrilled for her. Everytime a baby is born it is thrilling!
I woke up on Monday morning and my first thought was "I love you very much Grandma". My mother emailed me that morning to tell me she felt her mother's presence when she woke up.
My grandmother was the type of woman who loved children and would let them do whatever they wanted. I believe she showed up to gather up those two children who died recently.
On the "Trying to Conceive" front, my hysteroscopic myomectomy date is October 19, 2005 at Noon. Nine days after my 31st birthday!
On the "Adoption" Front, we went to our adoption orientation meeting last week, and received our adoption application to fill out and surveys to take that will help social services know what our preferences are in chosing children.
Looking at the survey, I was thrown off by the questions asking if we would parent a child whose parents were parent and child, or step-siblings. I thought about how children come into this planet....and the circumstances to which they arrive may not be "fair" and how there is a need for parents for all children who are in foster care waiting to be adopted.
This season's Starting Over has couples on the show trying to work through their marriage...this couple on the show Simon and Kacie made me think of all the foster children I knew who struggled with feeling like they were abandoned by their birth parents and not having a family to take them in and having to move from family to family.
My grandmother was so blessed that she was adopted by her parents....and she would be so thrilled that I am working on both conceiving and adopting at the same time!
Best case scenerio is to have a child. And if I end up with 2 children at the same time that would be fantastic!
I dont want to spout off medical details about my upcoming surgeries because I have a feeling that many women who are trying to conceive have gone through this or will go through this... in my case its removal of the fibroids that are keeping me from getting pregnant, and would prevent me from sustaining a baby full term. Then the last surgery will untwist my fallopian tube and see if it has blood flow. If there is none, then snip, snip and that tube will be out. I will have one tube working and two ovaries.
I expect to be on some strong painkillers. My husband is working on his normal day off from work so that he can be home to take care of me after my surgery. I am going to cook a big pot of soup so all he has to do is keep me supplied with soup, water and those little saltine crackers or oyster crackers that I like so much.
I no longer go through feeling jealous of other parents who have babies or children. Instead of walking away from them quickly or walking out of sight of them, my husband and I have been whispering to each other with smiles, saying "that little girl is so funny and so cute, did you see her?"
I remember a time where I would literally get angry if I saw famililes with children. We even had to stop going to this restaurant we liked to go for breakfast for awhile because it was stationed across the street from Disneyland and full of children and babies.
I went through it all, denial, depression, anger, jealousy...whew! It was very challenging but it made me strong and may have prepared me for the process of adopting and trying to conceive.
Through it all my husband was so kind to me and understanding of what I was experiencing. He was a bit worried about me for awhile when I was going through this.
I AM GOING TO BE A MAMA! HE IS GOING TO BE A DADDY! IN NOVEMBER 2005!!
I have been in a state of shock and overjoyment since yesterday afternoon. . . let me explain. . .
I got an email from my mother saying that she and her sisters and her neice went to church together. . . and I thought Wow they are really getting along if they're going to church together . . . She wanted me to know that my aunt needed to talk to my husband and I.
So I immediately dial them up thru the California Relay first. . . phone rings three times, my aunt picks up and asks if my husband is there cuz she has to talk to him too. . . I started thinking "Are we in trouble?"
"Naw, we can't be in trouble we haven't done anything. Maybe Santana wants to come visit us and go to Disneyland. . . "
So I said "yeah he's here right next to me" and she said to hang up and call them back directly.
So we hang up and my husband dials as we call her back directly. . .
My 14 year old cousin is pregnant and my aunt wanted to know if we would be the parents of her child.
My immediately reaction was "Without a doubt! Yes!" It didnt take me but 2 seconds. When she got on the phone she sounded so relieved and said she was so afraid we'd say no, and I said "why would we? we would be honored to raise this child"
Years before my grandmother passed away she told me something in private that I can now share with people... she said that she was going to try to stay alive as long as she could so she could meet my child/children. . . this was years before my mother and aunts were aware that her time on this planet was short.
I never forgot that and after her funeral I had a moment (and a short one at that!) where I thought to myself, "She didn't get to meet her grandchild and I'm sorry I couldn't conceive a child in time for her"
But as soon as I had that thought, I stopped feeling bad and walked with my family out of the church at the end of the service.
My 14 year old cousin is my heart...we told her we were not angry with her and that we love her and that she deserves an education and to be able to go to college.
My cousin sounded so mature and so sure of herself. . . when her parents divorced when she was 7 years old, and she and her sister moved to Maryland from Florida, I took her under my wing.
After the funeral, she went in her room and played on her Playstation for hours. I was concerned about her and knocked on her door and came in and sat with her and talked with her. My 6 year old cousin even picked up on that and wanted to come with me to look after his aunt. I sensed something was going on with her. . . and I gave her space to deal with our grandmother's death in the way she needed to but let her know I was there for her and checked on her.
I flew home the next day and today I am in a state of overjoyment. . . I have only slept 4 hours cuz I couldnt sleep last night. . . took a hot shower and drank chamomile tea but my excitement was too high. . .
My God in Heaven I did not know she thought that much of me.
I also saw a side of my husband that really humbled me. He was telling her on the phone that she needs to think about protecting herself in the future because it is deadly not to...and that she should hold her head up and go after her plans for herself.
She was very clear that she cannot take care of a baby and her mother is not financially prepared to feed another child in their household, when she is herself getting on her feet also.
I had no idea that while I was in Maryland and sitting at the head of my grandmother's dining room table while folks came in to pay their respects, people I hadnt seen in years, children growing up, new grandmothers, new parents, childhood family friends, that my cousin was in her room thinking about us adopting her child.
I am just so thankful to God for all of this experience. . . and so thankful for such a blessing!
Because the baby is due in November, we are gonna be running around like chickens with our heads cut off cuz we gotta get the room ready!
My mother friends will be helping me with a baby registry.
See when I was trying to conceive I had all these websites saved in my favorite places folder and then when I struggled with conceiving for 3 years I deleted them except for one or two.
So now I'm catching up.
My cousin became close with our grandmother before she died. . . and found out she was pregnant the day before our grandmother passed away . . . I know in my heart that my grandmother finally met her grandchild!
My grandmother kept her promise to me... I am just amazed...and happy.
A part of me was sad for my cousin because she is doing something that even grown women have a hard time doing...and she's doing it in such a mature way...she is still a child, yet she is growing up...she talks differently than she did a year ago.
My aunt and cousin , husband and I got on the 3 way with my mother discussing the logistics of the adoption. Because she is a minor she is covered under her mother's health insurance...even if she wasn't by law in California she'd be covered under our health insurance for prenatal care and post natal care.
I know this is a long long long post.... I am just processing everything that happened yesterday....
I plan to still have the 2 laproscopic surgeries my GYN wants to do with me.. October 19th is my laproscopic myomectomy. Those surgeries will help me to have less pain and bleeding during my periods and help me to conceive.
We still want to have 2 children so I'm still on the "Trying to Conceive" track.
I am so overjoyed and overwhelmed though. This is surreal. I spoke with my sister today and she was stunned and excited but stunned.