So here I am. Almost 33. Been with your daddy for nearly 2 years. I'm trying to have you. Well, I guess I should say that I'm trying to conceive you. You've been pretty elusive so far.
Dec 3 04, your daddy and I went to see the doctor about why you haven't shown up. I guess since I'm not ovulating, that would be the biggest problem. I have PCOS, something I hope doesn't keep you from arriving.
I've gone and had some blood tests. I've had the ultrasound. Today, I go back to the doctor to review the results, and begin an itenerary for the trip of a lifetime. I'm hoping that your the destination of that trip. I'm going to do everything I possibly can to enable your safe arrival. I won't give up without a fight. I won't leave any stone unturned.
You see, I've wanted you for as long as I can remember, and my memory is long and detailed. I've been clucky for a long long time. Your daddy and I are really keen to have you in our lives. Well, your daddy is a little unsure, but he's just not confident about his abilities as a father. Trust me when I say, he'll be a terrific daddy. I'll be a terrific mommy. I've no doubt about any of it. You'll have the best of everything, I promise. You'll never want for anything. Unconditional love, food, clothing, toys, pets, a nice home, a mom and dad who already think you're the best thing in the universe..........
So, doesn't that sound nice? Doesn't that sound like something you'd like to be a part of? How about you hurry up and get here, because we'd really love to get to know you, little one. We have an empty spot in our lives that only you can fill. The picture just isn't perfect untill you're here.
Your hopeful Mommy
Just when I think that surely you won't be much further away, we hit a speed bump. That speed bump is again in the form of a doctor who knows too little, perhaps nothing, about my condition. At the first appointment, I asked for a referral to a specialist, a reproductive endocrinologist, because I know in my heart, my body is so very not right. He tells me, No no, I can help you, we can work this out. I foolishly take the bait, hook line and sinker.
Now, I think he just needed to fund his holiday overseas at Christmas, because when I went in yesterday to review the results, I was less than impressed with what he had to say.
Keep in mind that I, your hopeful mommy, have not had a period since March 31 2004, and I definately am not expecting you yet. Despite that, he tells me that all of my blood tests came back "normal". My blood sugar is "normal". My cholesterol is "normal". My LH, FSH, and androgenic hormone screens, are all "normal". The only one that is not "normal", is the sex hormone binding globulin, and according to the doctor, it is so close to being "normal" that it's not even an issue. So everything is normal. Everything is fine.
Except that I've definately got PCOS, not had a period for nearly a year, and I have to be pretty diligent with the tweezers to keep from competing in goatee competitions with your daddy. But, hey. The doctor says everything is "normal".
However, there is nothing more he can do for me, he says. This is something that only a gynecologist can deal with, and perhaps an RE. Tell me something I didn't already know! I knew that, GOING IN THERE. I've researched this thing for 5 years. I know so much about it, it's almost scary. I diagnosed myself in 2000, when no doctor in th States would listen to a word of my complaints. And besides, an RE, is pretty much fancy talk for OB/GYN with a subspecialty in infertilty and endocrinology, and related disorders. Even I know that.
I'm so despondent at the moment. I feel like I've wasted yet another month that I didn't have to waste. I'm not getting any younger. I'm not having any luck doing it on my own. I'm so upset.
Your daddy can not understand WHY I'm upset. He feels that I should be joyful that all my tests came back "normal". I tried to make him understand that if everything is "normal", then there is nothing to fix, and if there is nothing to fix, then this is just the way it is for us, and if this is just the way it is for us, then we will not be parents. That, for me, is upsetting, since I've dreamed about you since I was a very young woman.
All my life I waited to find your daddy, my true love, my soulmate, my best friend, and when I had all but given up hope, we found each other. If I hadn't found him, I would have pursued you through a sperm bank.
I want so badly for you to be half of each of us. I have very mixed feelings about adoption and donated eggs and sperm. I never felt this way, until this point. I was always so open minded about it all. But now that I'm at this cross roads, those options aren't so appealing. This may sound really terrible. It may sound really selfish. It's probably not the best thing to ever put down in writing. But right now, I can't even face the possibility of having to adopt, because I don't know how much love I could give a child that isn't "mine". I would love it, yes, but I worry that I would always have the inkling in the back of my mind that I'm merely babysitting on a permanent basis.
Or accepting a donar egg. I would feel like a surragate mother. It would be my husbands child, but not mine. I asked your daddy, how he would feel if he found out that he had a problem with his sperm, and we had to go to a bank. He said he didn't like the idea at all, and that he'd prefer to stay childless, or adopt.
So, if I'm terrible, selfish, and just plain wrong, at least I'm in good company. Sort of.
I feel like a failure. A failure as a woman because I can't procreate. A failure as a wife because I can't provide my husband with a son or daughter. A failure as a person in general because I can not accept that this may be my lot in life, and that I can't be more................grown up, or mature, about the other options. It bothers me so much that there are so many girls and women who get pregnant without trying, without planning, without wanting it. I know the babies that wind up for adoption need a good home. I just don't know if I am strong enough to look past my missing genes and say, This is my child.
I'm scared that if I were to adopt, and then wind up getting pregnant, that I would love my biological child more than my adopted child. Can that happen? Does that happen? Is it just like how I prefer my cats to my dogs? Is it just like I prefer my male cat to my female cat? Surely it's not. I love them both, but he is different. If something happened to them, I'd be so sad over her, but I'd be tore up over him.
I'm just plain, flat scared. And angry. And sad. I feel cheated. And punished. I feel like I'm serving some kind of sentance for a crime I did't committ.
Since yesterday my mind has play over and over all the information I know about PCOS, infertlity, IVF. The statistics. The odds. The possibilities. And the impossibilities. I liken it to being a blind woman, in a dark room, searching for a black cat, that isn't there: a futile attempt.
A futile attempt at understanding the why and when and how, and most importantly, the if.
I didn't sleep a minute last night. I can recall every minute as it flipped over on the clock. I'm so tired. So very tired. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now. I feel like I just want to lie down, and go to sleep, and wake up when it's all fixed and everything is right.
Yes, your mommy is in a very bad, very sad place right now. God, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Is it okay if I just don't think about you tonight? My mind, nor my body, can't take another sleepless night.
Your hopeful mommy,
Today was a little bit better for me. I didn't think about you much, at least not work. Now since I've been home I can't say that, but at least I was able to watch Neighbours and concentrate on the story line!
I'm having a pretty bad time lately. I hate my job, but can't find another, so I feel pinned to the floor. We're doing alright with money, just not alright enough to be able to do much with the house. It's sorely in need of some prettying up. It will have to wait a bit though. I'm impatient for you, and know that I must learn to have patience or else it will eat me alive. It could take a vary long time.
I often go into the spare room, that one day will hopefully be your room, and I look around and can see so clearly where your crib will be, can see exactly where the rocking chair will sit. If I want to torture myself really bad, I go to the wardrobe and take out the package of clothing your aunt sent for you. I went through it all, and kept what I thought you would be able to wear, whether you're a girl or a boy. Most of it is pretty small stuff. As pathetic as it sounds, I often will drape a tiny sleeper against my shoulder and imagine what it would be like to if you were actually filling out this empty garment. Sometimes I get teared up, and other times I just fold it and put it back in the pack. I keep the door to that room shut so that I don't have to walk past it everyday and see how empty it is right now.
I'm stuck between doing your nursery (when that needs to be done) in either Peter Rabbit, or a combination of nursery rhymns and fairy tales. I think maybe just foregoing a specific theme is the best though, and just going with lots of colors. I think a broad spectrum of color is cheerful, and then anything will "match". Of course, your daddy doesn't care what you are, but I think deep down he really would like a son. I think the fact that he keeps hinting at the camoflauge ceiling fan we saw is an indication of that. That, and the fact that he still has just enough of the Army still in him to sway his tastes! haha I promise you, if you turn out to be a girl, you won't be distracted by a camo ceiling fan! I can't make that promise if you turn out to be a boy though, so let's just hope your a rough and tumble little one.
I suppose I should stop wishing, and close this entry. I think I'll leave it for a few days. Maybe until I see the next doctor. Not much to post about otherwise. Still, as always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Your hopeful Mommy,