Dear God. I realize that there is a lot on your plate right now, and I feel really silly asking this because its so minor, but Lord you know in my heart of hearst I long to be a mommy. My heart breaks every time my period comes, even if I'm expecting it that month, it still breaks. Lord, I would do anything to be a mom. ANYTHING. Please Lord, grant me a baby. I know that there are wars and world hunger and so many other things that you have to attend to but the bible says to seek and you will answer, so Lord, I am asking you from the bottom of my heart, please please please let me have a happy and healthy baby of my own.
I feel pregnant. I don't want to admit that because I know that statement can quickly lead to disapointment, and I've been disapointed too many times to do that again, but I really do feel pregnant.
I've got a cold, which no one else has, and when everyone else in my office has gotten this bug that we all seem to have, they recover in full and don't get a cold. I have that cold. I have burning nipples. Talk about painful. I want to pack them on ice. I never thought I would want something so much as I want this baby. It pre-occupies all my thoughts. Its the first thing I wake up thinking about. I just wish I could take the test and find out for sure, but I don't want to waste money on a test if its going to say BFN. BFN's are the worst. They make me cry. Not that it takes much to make me cry when I'm like this. I'm either PMS'ing like crazy or pregnant. One of the two. I've been breaking out like horrible too. My face looks like that of a 15 year old girl. Its got me thinking. Of course, I'm staying with my mom for a few days and I don't have my facial cleanser. I'm sure that isn't helping, but even when I was using it, I still was averaging three zits a night. Oh the joy. I just keep reminding myself, if I'm pregnant, it will all be worth it. Every zit, every burning sensation, every stretch mark, every tear that I shed over a hallmark commercial will be worth it.
Its not this month. I started spotting this morning, by now I'm sure its full fledged AF and I should probably go change again. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry anymore. That was in February when I really thought I was pregnant. I had 23 symptoms of pregnancy. Turned out to be 23 symptoms of PMS. I am so tired today. I hardly slept at all last night. My dad brought home two puppies. Strays. Animal Control s picking them up right about now. I hate to give them away because they are so sweet. They just licked my hands. I love them. I was trying to think of good names for them, but my mom said absolutely not. Bums me out. I can't have a dog at my place. At least not one over thirty lbs, and since I aleady have two cats I really don't think I should add something small and furry to the mix. Something big and furry would be good. My parents put our family dog down when I was 12 years old. My dad and I have been trying to get our mom to get another dog since then. She says absolutely not. Not unless its something small and fuzzy. If she wanted small and fuzzy she could get a cat.
Anyways I digress. As always. I thought it was Pregnancy brain, I guess its just pms brain.
Well I better get back to work. They need me here.
Why do you enjoy torturing me so much? I'm such a nervous wreck. The nurse wants me to go in for a pregnancy test next week. See the story is as you know, yesterday I started bleeding and it looked like it was going to be heavy, but then I got nothing. Today I've had nothing. Its almost 5 in the evening and I have no signs of my period being here or coming any time soon. I did have horrible cramps yesterday but I didn't exactly eat well and I know how bad eating can affect me. I should have never had three pieces of that chocolate cake and that coke but I felt so lousy that AF was here that I didn't care. Well now you've got me wondering if maybe, just maybe, I am pregnant. Is that possible? Could I really be pregnant? Finally? It just seems so, not true. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I don't want to deny it either. I've waited so long and tried so hard that if I deny it then I feel like I'm denying my baby, but if I go in and admit it, I'll be crushed if AF comes.
Drama Drama Drama. Someone on the TTC board mentioned implantation bleeding. Unelss it was midcycle bleeding, and I don't know what to think. Its undoubtedly the lightest period I've ever seen.
Lord help, I've prayed so long and so hard for this, please let my dreams be coming true. I don't know what else to think.
I'm pregnant. I can't beleive this. I'm really pregnant. Thankyou all for being so supportive and for standing behind me. Thankyou God for answering my prayers. To you I owe everything. Praise and Glory be to your name forever. Without you, this never would have happened.